A question for the BS

[someonesangel]

Please don't be offended and you certainly do not have to answer.

 

 

In a previous thread last week someone mentioned that in their particular situation if they were to find out there was more contact after the WS and OP went NC, then it would be done.

 

Not judging but my opinion from viewing many here is that it happens often, and for some.... they find out a year or longer later that the NC never actually happened or never remained.

 

I know that us kissing and playing crossed the line, but my question to you is if you found out they were in ANY contact (lets say just talking) would that be the deal breaker?

 

Or do you to some "degree" expect a length of time before you really expect NC to take place?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

oooh. i think this is a good one. so lets say the BS has dday. finds out about the affair and demands NC. so what benefit is that? that youre forcing your H/W not to talk to a person? that doesnt mean the feelings end.

 

if i was in that position i would want my spouse not to feel that way about their AP. just because I forced NC doesnt mean the feelings go away. so i'm thinking i wouldnt want someone to stay with me just because i gave them no other option or i had been caught. i would want my spouse to stay because I was the one they were in love with.

 

not because i was the only one left....

[Space Ritual]

Interesting question that I cant answer. In both my cases (I was cheated on in my last two relationships) I never gave either of them a second chance and didn't look back. I totally deleted them from my life as soon as I could and didnt listen to any excuses

[tami-chan]

Most do not leave,if they have not left after D-day- they will get to a place where the justification and rationalization for the affair somehow made sense and all anger are directed at the AP instead of the WS.

[someonesangel]

Most do not leave,if they have not left after D-day- they will get to a place where the justification and rationalization for the affair somehow made sense and all anger are directed at the AP instead of the WS.

 

Tami, that is my opinion as well and I know I am the OW

 

But it seems that there are two distinct BS.

 

 

The ones who actually leave as soon as the first DDay occurs and the second the one who stays, even through a few.

 

What I personally think is when you put the effort in to recover, you are in fact adding another piece to the history and I think it can ( not always) comes down to I have not lived through this hell for nothing, we can make this work. And I understand that, the more you go through as a couple, the more you want to save something.

 

I also agree that the anger gets re-focused on the OW in more cases and the WS may not get off easy but "easier" than the initial.

[Spark1111]

I didn't enforce NC. Initially, I said go get her and threw him out. I didn't care who he contacted or when. At DDay, I certainly did not want him! And I refused to be anyone's default choice.

 

He begged to come home, but everytime I discovered there had been renewed contact, I made him leave again because you have to choose which relationship you do want to commit to. I mean, really, would he tolerate me texting my boyfriend while begging to reconcile the marriage?

 

Would he be offended to discover texts between me and the OM on the precarious state of our reconciliation? Of course he would be.

 

This went on for about three months.

 

I think if the WS is serious on reconciling, you know it and want them to institute NC and adhere to it. Who wants to hold a smoking gun to anyone's head and enforce anything?

 

Either the choice is voluntary by the WS or it isn't valid, IMHO.

 

And no, I did not re-direct my anger towards the OW. Three people in a triangle, three people get hurt.

 

It was his lying and deception that almost ruined the marriage, not the fact that he and she developed feelings for each other.

[jwi71]

Please don't be offended and you certainly do not have to answer.

 

 

In a previous thread last week someone mentioned that in their particular situation if they were to find out there was more contact after the WS and OP went NC, then it would be done.

 

Not judging but my opinion from viewing many here is that it happens often, and for some.... they find out a year or longer later that the NC never actually happened or never remained.

 

I know that us kissing and playing crossed the line, but my question to you is if you found out they were in ANY contact (lets say just talking) would that be the deal breaker?

 

Or do you to some "degree" expect a length of time before you really expect NC to take place?

 

No, I expected her to have NC right then, right there. However, she went to great lengths to reestablish contact with him and resume the A. I found out.

 

So I divorced her.

[DNU1]

I've been through a lot, and learned a ton. If I had to go through this again I would do the following, RIGHT AWAY. Any faltering on any of these and it's straight to Plan D:

 

1. immediate NC, followed by NC letter, mailed by me
   
2. complete transperency -- give up all cell phone, e-mail, facebook...all passwords and accounts
   
3. pass polygraph
   
4. post-nup agreement
   
5. if all previous criteria met, and I was still confident the marriage could be saved, we would then move to another city-state-country, as far away from other person as possible.
   

Remember, I've been through three DDays, lots of lies...my shields are way up, charged at 110%, weapons locked and loaded, all defenses on high alert!

[schewter]

In my case my wife did break NC in a predictable fashion. The guy she had the EA with was an out of town client. He went to work for a different company shortly after Dday but still dealt with wife's supply company, just not with her. The saleslady he did deal with was taking Xmas week off and told him he could deal with my wife in her absence and never mentioned this to my wife which is not unusual in the industry...she wouldn't know any better. And so it went...wife told me about three months after the initial call and there were three more calls between then and mid-March. I was pissed because the deal was that if he contacted her she would say "sorry, can't talk to you" hang up and tell me. Also, I asked her numerous times to tell the other saleslady that she could not deal with THAT account for this very reason. It's all good now...there are variables, it's not like the contact was reestablished to persue the affair (though, he was trying to put some feelers out, i.e. gimme a call if your marriage doesn't work out). It was good she told me of her own volition...he and I had a phone conversation the next day; it wasn't pleasant. I guess it depends on why and how NC is broken and how honest spouses are about it.

[someonesangel]

I've been through a lot, and learned a ton. If I had to go through this again I would do the following, RIGHT AWAY. Any faltering on any of these and it's straight to Plan D:

 

1. immediate NC, followed by NC letter, mailed by me
   
2. complete transperency -- give up all cell phone, e-mail, facebook...all passwords and accounts
   
3. pass polygraph
   
4. post-nup agreement
   
5. if all previous criteria met, and I was still confident the marriage could be saved, we would then move to another city-state-country, as far away from other person as possible.
   

Remember, I've been through three DDays, lots of lies...my shields are way up, charged at 110%, weapons locked and loaded, all defenses on high alert!

 

 

I am sorry you have had to go threw 3 DDays, I know I couldn't and can only imagine the strength it would take.

 

I am assuming you are still together, although that may be incorrect?

[someonesangel]

In my case my wife did break NC in a predictable fashion. The guy she had the EA with was an out of town client. He went to work for a different company shortly after Dday but still dealt with wife's supply company, just not with her. The saleslady he did deal with was taking Xmas week off and told him he could deal with my wife in her absence and never mentioned this to my wife which is not unusual in the industry...she wouldn't know any better. And so it went...wife told me about three months after the initial call and there were three more calls between then and mid-March. I was pissed because the deal was that if he contacted her she would say "sorry, can't talk to you" hang up and tell me. Also, I asked her numerous times to tell the other saleslady that she could not deal with THAT account for this very reason. It's all good now...there are variables, it's not like the contact was reestablished to persue the affair (though, he was trying to put some feelers out, i.e. gimme a call if your marriage doesn't work out). It was good she told me of her own volition...he and I had a phone conversation the next day; it wasn't pleasant. I guess it depends on why and how NC is broken and how honest spouses are about it.

 

 

I think you are correct in saying that of course if she only deals with him when forced - you would see it differently ( and I would agree)

 

I was speaking more in reference to the multiple DDays we see here when WS and AP continue with Calls, chats and/or visits.

 

Personally, we both choose not to go NC and opted for LC. That may change ( as I have been given a great deal to think about by some LS'ers) but it made me think.

 

It seems almost all LTA have this ongoing pattern and the BS does not alter their decision based on future findings.

[Spark1111]

I agree with schweter: It depends of the variables and the honesty in disclosing the contact to the BS.

[someonesangel]

I agree with schweter: It depends of the variables and the honesty in disclosing the contact to the BS.

 

 

As do I. I know he told her early on when we talked, think he even told her when we broke NC for the first time and had a long telephone call. The other calls/visits and of course the actual contact she is unaware - that I am sure of.

 

And now is what I am struggling with.

[showmethemoney]

The whole point of no NC is to force the WS to make a choice and not fence sit. It's a very simple choice for the WS, either work on the marriage or choose the AP and get a divorce. If they truly want to reconcile and repair their marriage they have to commit 100% emotionally (both do). Having continued contact with the other person is not only a sign that they have not committed 100% but it is also very disrespectful to their BS. As far as time limit, it should one second after d-day. Sorry but there is no AP choice option in marriage. Either you want to be married or you don't snd why should any BS feel like a second choice in their marriage?

[someonesangel]

The whole point of no NC is to force the WS to make a choice and not fence sit. It's a very simple choice for the WS, either work on the marriage or choose the AP and get a divorce. If they truly want to reconcile and repair their marriage they have to commit 100% emotionally (both do). Having continued contact with the other person is not only a sign that they have not committed 100% but it is also very disrespectful to their BS. As far as time limit, it should one second after d-day. Sorry but there is no AP choice option in marriage. Either you want to be married or you don't snd why should any BS feel like a second choice in their marriage?

 

I am not debating that.

 

My question was and remains is that a deal breaker?

 

From what I have seen - it is not and that is the real question.

 

My experience is it is common that there are several DDays and that it does not change/ulter the original decision of the BS to stay in the M.

 

I understand the "why it shouldn't happen" but my experience is it most often does not but does not change the decision of the BS.

 

The original question was - Did it or did it not affect your decision to reconcile?

[Spoiled]

I am not debating that.

 

My question was and remains is that a deal breaker?

 

From what I have seen - it is not and that is the real question.

 

My experience is it is common that there are several DDays and that it does not change/ulter the original decision of the BS to stay in the M.

 

I understand the "why it shouldn't happen" but my experience is it most often does not but does not change the decision of the BS.

 

The original question was - Did it or did it not affect your decision to reconcile?

 

I am an xMOW and experienced 3 d-days, xMOM 1 d-day. I told my H 3 months after initial d-day that we were in LC because I was struggling with NC and needed accountability(like a child). My H blew up on the 3rd d-day and I continued the A for another month before I ended it. After 3 d-days, my H never waivered his decision to stay in M. He felt convinced that I was "really" trying to reconcile due to immediately attending IC and MC and revealing 2 d-day. If I were him, the 2nd d-day would have been the deal breaker for me.

[anne1707]

I know for my H, it definitely would be a dealbreaker if I maintained any kind of friendship with the ex-OM. He tolerates me working with him but cannot wait for the day until I find another job. And yes, we had 2 D-days but since that second one, my focus is entirely on my marriage.

 

For the MM to want to do this indicates a total lack of sincerity in his desire to make his marriage work, is incredibly selfish and shows a total lack of respect for his wife. This is still an affair, even if no longer physical - though from what you have posted, you are not having much success in avoiding this either.

[Spoiled]

One more thing, I agree with posters who demand transparency. There would have never been 3 d-days if my H had initially demanded cell records and email passwords.

[someonesangel]

I am an xMOW and experienced 3 d-days, xMOM 1 d-day. I told my H 3 months after initial d-day that we were in LC because I was struggling with NC and needed accountability(like a child). My H blew up on the 3rd d-day and I continued the A for another month before I ended it. After 3 d-days, my H never waivered his decision to stay in M. He felt convinced that I was "really" trying to reconcile due to immediately attending IC and MC and revealing 2 d-day. If I were him, the 2nd d-day would have been the deal breaker for me.

 

I hear you and for me too... for me it isnt' the affair and for me it would be the FACT that you were in MC and IC that would make if literally impossible for me to ever trust you again.

 

No judgement from me at all, but I find it amazing really.

[someonesangel]

For the MM to want to do this indicates a total lack of sincerity in his desire to make his marriage work, is incredibly selfish and shows a total lack of respect for his wife. This is still an affair, even if no longer physical - though from what you have posted, you are not having much success in avoiding this either.

 

Yes I am, no question, and like I said yesterday in the do you trust your MM thread ( on our side) that is primarily why.... he doesn't lie to me, but he knows and I think he really does know I would not stay- period. If I had found one inconstancy I would have walked during and I still would have held him accountable after, and I mean that.

 

Because I do believe and from the experience here it is pretty accurate that once you have the dynamics of being allowed repeatedly to lie, you will continue even if it is 5 years after, whether it is about an affair or if it is about something else, the core dynamics have been set.

[someonesangel]

One more thing, I agree with posters who demand transparency. There would have never been 3 d-days if my H had initially demanded cell records and email passwords.

 

Do you really believe that?

 

I think if you wanted to have contact you would have. My opinion and truth does a Spouse really want to hold that over you. It is YOUR choice, and I am also big on owning it ( me too, me too).

 

He closed his one email account ( still don't know if she actually knew about it, but he closed it). I am sure his cell phone records are easily available and we have had numerous ( at least 5 that I can think of, 1 hour plus phone calls) He can't hide his bill because of the situation there, that I am sure of and several texts.

 

She most likely is "trusting" him but seriously, I wonder ... how after finding out about almost 10 years, no one is that trusting, no one.

[anne1707]

Because I do believe and from the experience here it is pretty accurate that once you have the dynamics of being allowed repeatedly to lie, you will continue even if it is 5 years after, whether it is about an affair or if it is about something else, the core dynamics have been set.

 

 

You are making a very big assumption here. Whilst there may be some BS who will tolerate repeated lies, there are many who will not. My H is one of them. We also now work on the basis of total honesty.

 

It seems like you will only hear what you want to hear from the various posts being made.

[Spoiled]

I hear you and for me too... for me it isnt' the affair and for me it would be the FACT that you were in MC and IC that would make if literally impossible for me to ever trust you again.

 

No judgement from me at all, but I find it amazing really.

 

 

This A mess was all new to me and we were in MC first, another new thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and the topic of NC or the emotions I would feel were never discussed. I initiated IC because I was struggling with ending the A which was d-day #2 and we also found a new MC. This is when I finally became more open and honest about my true feelings.

 

You are correct, amazing, and still after d-day #3, still no request of cell records or anything???

[someonesangel]

You are making a very big assumption here. Whilst there may be some BS who will tolerate repeated lies, there are many who will not. My H is one of them. We also now work on the basis of total honesty.

 

It seems like you will only hear what you want to hear from the various posts being made.

 

 

No, my apologies but if you read you are only one of the few that say it was actually a deal breaker.

 

And being the OW if I was hearing what I wanted .... wouldn't it be after the 2nd - they divorce? That would be a more "beneficial" thought ( if there is one in such a situation)

[someonesangel]

This A mess was all new to me and we were in MC first, another new thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and the topic of NC or the emotions I would feel were never discussed. I initiated IC because I was struggling with ending the A which was d-day #2 and we also found a new MC. This is when I finally became more open and honest about my true feelings.

 

You are correct, amazing, and still after d-day #3, still no request of cell records or anything???

 

We have only had 1 DDay..... 4 months ago..... but she found out about years and years of lies and infidelity all at that time.