A question for the BS

[silktricks]

I just re-read my post and don't think I was clear.

 

I didn't demand NC... that doesn't mean that it would have been OK with me for him to have continued contact with her AND remained married to me. It meant that he needed to make his choice without me making demands. If he would have desired continued contact with her it would have been without me in his life.

 

Also, I don't exactly know what I would have done had I "discovered" the situation when it was still on-going. I doubt we would now be together, though.

[boomboom63]

For me there has to be NC. If there isn't it's over - this only applies to me in my situation. Each and every relationship is different and what works for one person isn't "right" for someone else's circumstances. For me and my W the only way through this thing was total transparency and honesty - painful for us both and way, way harder than quitting the M. But it has worked for us - made us stronger actually. My W and I both commited to it 100% - if either of us hadn't our M would have been toast. NC was part of that commitment from her and if he contacted her (which he did) she told me immediately.

 

The OM - should he contact my W now - is in no doubt what the consequences are for him as well.

 

If my W had said to me after DDay "it's only a friendship" my response would have been be "it's only a divorce" and in my case this still applies. If there was some kind of cover up going on and I "discovered" it, it would be over right then and there.

 

I wish you well whatever you decide to do - YOU have to make your own decisions and live with whatever the consequences of your decisions are. I truly hope you find the answer that works for you and causes the least amount of pain.

[1Angel]

Someonesangel, you sound very bitter and envious against your MM's betrayed spouse. And, he's a serial cheater. What is the answer you want from us here: when will your MMs BS finally leave for good? With any luck she'll wise up and just hand him over to you and be thankful you took him off her hands.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

I will state again.....you are playing with fire and possibly death.

Could be your death, OM's death, husbands death.

 

Sounds extreme right...because you know your husband and OM.

 

Well, look up statistics on murder motives....ever hear 'crime of passion'.

 

Short of that, fights, illness, abuse, job loss.

 

Look, I was the most passive guy around.

 

If you saw me after d-day, you would NEVER imagine what I was like.

 

Both WW and I lost our jobs as a result of her affair....hers because of affair at work, mine because of performance due to depression.

Both WW and I have been sick and hospitalized many times after her affair.

Both WW and I are in financial ruin.

Both WW and I are depressed.

WW is now a cutter! yep, at 41 years old.....never did ANYTHING like that before her affair.

My family will not forgive my WW and will not speak with her.

 

The list goes on and on.

 

Affairs can end, destroy, ruin lives......

 

This won't happen to you...right..

I said that about my WW before she had her affair.

She'd never do that......wrong!

[LifesontheUp]

On d-day I asked him to stop seeing his OW as 3 is most definitely a crowd in a marriage. But he couldn't live without his soulmate so I packed his bags and told him to go be with her.

 

I am pretty certain that if he promised to stop seeing her on d-day and I found out their relationship was still continuing I would have ended the marriage.

 

Some think that demanding NC doesn't work as feelings are still there between the APs and doesn't resolve anything. Sorry but why on earth would I find it acceptable to continue in my marriage whilst my husband continued a PA with another women and live in hope it would fizzle out. No way.............I have more respect for myself than to sit at home living in hope that he would somehow, finally come to his senses

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I agree. Theres no reason that the affair should continue when the WS is trying to work on the marriage.

 

BUT. I think its their choice. The BS has every right to demand it, but unless the WS wants it for themselves it wont happen. I would want my husband not to want to talk to her anymore, not to think about her anymore, not to have the desire to be with her anymore. Forcing him away doesnt erase the feelings. It just makes you feel better. He has to do it on his own.

[anne1707]

I agree. Theres no reason that the affair should continue when the WS is trying to work on the marriage.

 

BUT. I think its their choice. The BS has every right to demand it, but unless the WS wants it for themselves it wont happen. I would want my husband not to want to talk to her anymore, not to think about her anymore, not to have the desire to be with her anymore. Forcing him away doesnt erase the feelings. It just makes you feel better. He has to do it on his own.

 

 

So does that mean that you feel perfectly entitled to maintain a friendship with your ex-MM whilst you tell your H that you are working on your marriage?

[LifesontheUp]

I agree. Theres no reason that the affair should continue when the WS is trying to work on the marriage.

 

BUT. I think its their choice. The BS has every right to demand it, but unless the WS wants it for themselves it wont happen. I would want my husband not to want to talk to her anymore, not to think about her anymore, not to have the desire to be with her anymore. Forcing him away doesnt erase the feelings. It just makes you feel better. He has to do it on his own.

 

Yes its their choice on whether to continue contact or not. However don't expect all BS to then sit around and put up with their H,W, partner continuing to see their AP.

 

To me the choice is clear - cut contact and work on the marriage or continue with the affair and loose the BS. Continuing as you are is no more than cake eating.

[PhoenixRise]

I agree. Theres no reason that the affair should continue when the WS is trying to work on the marriage.

 

BUT. I think its their choice. The BS has every right to demand it, but unless the WS wants it for themselves it wont happen. I would want my husband not to want to talk to her anymore, not to think about her anymore, not to have the desire to be with her anymore. Forcing him away doesnt erase the feelings. It just makes you feel better. He has to do it on his own.

 

NC is about behavior not feelings.

 

The BS should not have to tolerate continued contact between the APs while WS is claiming to want to work on the marriage.

 

AND if the WS does NC regardless of his/her feelings they HAVE made a choice to do so. If anybody could force anybody to do anything affairs wouldn't happen ever.

 

Bottom line...a betrayed spouse has the right to expect NC as a condition of staying in the marriage. There is no planet that exists where BS should be obligated to allow an affair to continue with contact between the APs until the AP's decide they don't "feel" anything for each other anymore.

 

 

So the WS has a choice. Continue the contact and risk losing the BS or go NC and do what you need to do to manage your "feelings" without using the affair and the AP as a crutch.

 

Would your H be so forgiving of you if you were still in contact with your AP?

[aeh]

I was so in shock after finding out about my H's A that it didn't even dawn on me to insist on NC. I NEVER asked him to do that. He did it immediately. I have told him many times to "go to her". Also said "she can have you."

 

Yet, he's here.....

 

He has told me repeatedly he can't believe he risked so much for so little.

[someonesangel]

Thank you all for your honest, I do appreciate it.

 

 

It is a challenging position and I do understand, now I am just trying to make a decision and trying to be straight forward with myself..... and hearing the chantes of the LS's .

 

Do I really want to be in an Affair - NO

 

Do I want another DDay that is partially my responsiblity to make? Double NO

 

Knowing that, it is becoming increasingly obvious that I only have one choice, hate it ... but coming around.

 

Angel1

 

I am not sure how you get I am "bitter". I am anything but, you may have been able to call me that just after DDay, but far from it now.

 

I know he loves me, I know I love him, I also know he loves his wife, and truly not envious as we had different relationships with him.

 

Anyway, I guess a computer and keyboard can give off odd vibes, I am a lot of things - Hurt, confused and truly wanting my friend.... and many other emotions... bitter is not one of them.

 

 

Thanks again, I have some thinking to do... and some writing.

[allhopelost]

I know that us kissing and playing crossed the line, but my question to you is if you found out they were in ANY contact (lets say just talking) would that be the deal breaker?

If AP initiated and only a cold response from WW, then no. If WW were to initiate, then it is farewell. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Or do you to some "degree" expect a length of time before you really expect NC to take place?

Yes, 0 seconds after Discovery. Anything short of that is unacceptable.

[seren]

Good initial question, I think it can depend on the Dday, if WP is discovered then the ending of the A has been forced to some extent and it might be that the WP still has their A head on. I can see that NC could be broken in this instance.

If Dday is a confession and a I have been/am having an A and regret it, then NC is not likely.

From my experience of Dday, my H ended his A with a two word text - it's over. I said he should at least give OW an explanation (doh) as I hoped that if he had an A that it was for more than a fling. But he just wasn't interested in any contact with OW and frankly was relieved it was all out in the open and that we could rebuild our marriage.

While I am glad that there had been NC a part of me thought that if he had the balls to tell me, then he should have faced up to the consequences of the A and at least ended it properly. I know this may sound twisted, but **** happens, and he did to her what he had done throughout our M - he ran away from conflict.