kismet Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Well, folks, we're now at 23 days to D-day, as it were. A quick update: GF, my married lover of 2 years, gave me a deadline of the first of the year to be "available." Time's flown in the 6 months since he's made me that promise, and we're on the last few weeks. He was down to see me a week ago for a quick visit before I was to go on vacation; it was, as usual, a blissful, heady time together, during which all my beliefs were re-cemented. It happens every time we are together. He not only reassures me verbally, he also shows such sincerity and care that if things don't work out, I'll have to nominate him for an Oscar. (I'm sure I'm the first to ever say that, eh? ha, ha) A couple of days after his visit, I met with my psychologist, who asked me what exactly must he have done by the end of the year. I told her he must have filed for divorce and moved out, and she asked me if he knew those two things. I replied that I thought we were pretty clear on my expectations, but it wouldn't hurt to make sure. So I wrote him an e-mail sharing the same conversation, and asked him if he did know what I expected. He called a little while later, and we discussed it on the phone. I told him that both of those things, moving out and filing for divorce, went hand in hand for me, and there was no one or the other, as far as I was concerned. He agreed and assured and affirmed, until suddenly, "There's only one thing about the filing date..." !! What!? Well, I interrupted right then and there, telling him in no uncertain terms, "Whatever you're about to say, I don't give a f*@%. There's nothing that would matter to me. No reason would be good enough; there should be no "only things." You've had two years." To which he just said, "All right." I was rather upset that evening. Those words circled in my head all night, "There's only one thing about the filing date." So, my knight in shining armor, that I was so sure was going to be the exception to the rule, was now trying to make excuses, extensions? Oh, hell no. Try and extend this, and you'll be on the verge of divorce and no mistress to run to. I almost dare him to not make his deadline, and I think he senses that, making him realize I'm serious. It's been a few days since then, and I haven't heard another word about the filing date. In fact, he told me that he'd had a long talk with his dad, telling him that it was going to be over, officially, by the end of the year. His family isn't surprised, he says. So... three weeks to go, and I told him he had a lot to get done. Better get busy, GF! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 There's only one thing about the filing date..." !! What!? Well, I interrupted right then and there, telling him in no uncertain terms, "Whatever you're about to say, I don't give a f*@%. There's nothing that would matter to me. No reason would be good enough; there should be no "only things." You've had two years." To which he just said, "All right." Hi Kismet, Is he dragging his feet about getting the divorce or are you feeling a little unsure and jumpy? Aren't you wondering what he was going to say about the filing date? I know I would be curious...I just hope this guy is worthy of your time after what you have invested in the relationship. And I can almost guess what other posters might say about this situation...cuz after scouring the infidelity and other man/woman forums, some posters are downright vitriolic when it comes to judging affairs of the heart and such....eejizz! Me? I am all for "not squashing the bug and getting it out the window" ... the live and let live type, ...I try not to hurt others, (I said try not to) especially myself, if at all possible. and I have hard time judging folks. Why? Because dear readers and posters, I live in a glass house.... I wish you all the happiness in the world, miss...and I hope you and GF get it right. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I'm truly not saying this to hurt you or dash your hopes, but I'll be looking for a post from you the first week of January telling us how he had an excuse as to why he couldn't leave. You've been together for 2 years now and he's still with his wife. The odds are certainly against you. Link to post Share on other sites
Punjabski Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Kismet, Getting a divorce is not easy even if it is wanted. You can't just not care about someone after spending a great deal of time with them especially in a marraige. The feelings might not be as strong but I guarantee you there are still feelings there. Marraige is not something you can just get out of without emotions going wild. You might want to keep in mind that GF might go through a phase where he wants to live the single life again if he does leave his wife. You have been his crutch for two years now. If he leaves his wife he will be able to stand on his own two feet. You no longer need a crutch if you can stand on your own. It is just something to think about. He might not want to settle down right away after learning how messy a divorce can get. I hope that you will be able to tell everyone, "I told you so!" and give hope to those of us who are still waiting. Good luck to you and GF. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I wonder if his wife knows anything about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Originally posted by Arabess I wonder if his wife knows anything about it? this questions has been asked, the answer was "yes", he and his wife had talked about it, and he'd given his wife a deadline, too. Originally posted by Kismet ....I'll have to nominate him for an Oscar. (I'm sure I'm the first to ever say that, eh? ha, ha) Nope, you aint the first one who said so, someone I know has said it 10 yrs ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Originally posted by Guest this questions has been asked, the answer was "yes", he and his wife had talked about it, and he'd given his wife a deadline, too. I know he SAID he had that conversation with his wife....I was just questioning as to if it really did occur. I certainly didn't mean it in a negative way. I DO think, however, the success of the count down may rest on that particular knowledge. Generally, once a couple has the "divorce conversation"....one of them moves out. Maybe they decided to live together due to the holidays though. I don't know. Kismet....hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 To all of you who have offered supportive words, thank you! Isn't it funny how the empathy of stangers can make something so scary not so scary? I did wonder what he might have said had I let him finish, yes. I believe I heard the word, "taxes," as he trailed off. I almost wish I'd let him finish so that I could at least have heard what he had to say. But I have to remind myself, there is nothing that could have completed that sentence that would have either made any difference to me or that I'd have any desire to hear, so it was just as well. Talks about our future regularly; things he's excited about, things he looks forward to. He wants to see me, in the immediate future; he may be going to Boston and wants me to come. If not Boston, he wants to come here. My jaded side doesn't want to let him; we're close enough that he-- we both-- can wait until he's shown me that we're going to be together, three weeks from now. But my trusting side reminds me that I do trust him, therefore why should I deny us both a wonderful time together? I mean, if he were to f*#% me over, I think I'd rather have enjoyed him while I still could, not punished us both by staying away. It's not as if my heart will be any more broken if I see him again before "then" or not! Am I justifying?! Being overly worried? Overly wary? Overly trusting?!! Overly ANALYTICAL!!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 Of course, I've wondered too, in less sure moments, if he really had had that conversation with his wife. So many things that I am just trusting his word on. I'll know all in due time. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Originally posted by kismet Am I justifying?! Being overly worried? Overly wary? Overly trusting?!! Overly ANALYTICAL!!? HAHA Kismet! I think we could analyze these sort of relationships till the cows come home and still wonder WTF????????????????????? I sent you a PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 Wait-- Arabess, forgive my ignorance... a PM? I'm still learning the lingo! Never mind! Found it! : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 Punjabski-- Thanks for the reminders about both the difficulty of divorce and the danger of being the next relationship. I read a heartbreaking post the other day about another "other woman," whose lover had indeed left his wife for our dear poster, and then realized he had jumped too quickly from one marraige into another and wanted out. I will try to learn from her pain, and not be the rebound for him to run to until he feels secure enough to venture out into the world again. Of course, how long is long enough? One would hope that it would be clear when that bridge is being crossed, but who's to know for sure? Have a great day everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 He mentioned a while back was how good the unspoken "I told you so" is going to feel when we prove all the skeptics wrong. I told him we could have an I Told You So party, send out invitations! Link to post Share on other sites
HRC Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Prince Charles left Dia for Camellia Ann Parker, rummors say they are going to get married, British ppl might have to accept 2 divorcees as their future King and Queen. so, What's the big deal if your married lover leaves his wife for you? it does NOT make him a great man at all. Try this: get a better lover before your deadline. Link to post Share on other sites
cenilla Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Originally posted by HRC Prince Charles left Dia for Camellia Ann Parker Hey, HRC. I have a better example: Prince Edward gave up the throne for Wallis Simpson, American journalist HL Mencken famously described the 1936 abdication crisis as "the greatest story since the crucifixion" how's that? an exception, rite? isnt it good news for kismet? Link to post Share on other sites
Punjabski Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Kismet "How long is long enough?" I think the answer to your question is in your heart. If you honestly love GF you should be patient with him as long as he is making progress towards his divorce. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. I can't wait to hear how everything is falling in place like planned. There are a lot of people out there who have been hurt from similiar situations. Don't let them discourage you. Things will work out if it is meant to be. Keep positive and make the most of the time you do have with him. Don't worry about things that have not taken place and you will save yourself a lot of energy. Best of luck to you both. I will be looking for more updates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kismet Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 Well, the big deal for me, if he leaves his wife by the time he said he would, is obvious: The man I love will have done what he promised me, showing me that I can have faith in him. Not to mention we will be able to begin cultivating the relationship that's been so limited since its conception. His leaving his wife does not, I agree, make him a great man. In my eyes, he simply is one. Leaving his wife is just a necessary step he must take in order for our relationship to truly begin. Link to post Share on other sites
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