Questions for OW & MM(30+yrs & no kids)from OW

[DiDi123]

jj- hi I don't think I have PM rights yet, when do they usually allow that?

I agree with you about him not telling her because that could definately make things worse.

 

((hugs)) to you

[Alpha Female]

Ouch, ouch and ouch.

I'm afraid that a lot of what every one of you have said is completely true........

 

*Comment about oceanfront property in Arizona wasn't really necessary- was it? lol.

Not that this is in anyway funny, but I am trying to laugh through my tears of humiliation right now.

 

Wow...boy did that comment drove a stake right through my heart- for which I am in a wierd way grateful for.

 

I am utterly thankful and appreciative for all your comments. I think I need to have a drink now. I think I am in a mess and have to try and process how I should deal with this.

 

WHY OH WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF????? I mean, I know better.....I have that awful sinking feeling in my stomach and feel like an idiot.

 

ok thats not fair and no need to beat yourself up! Im in the same boat right now. Truly. My MM told me all the things yours did, except mine doesnt have any financial complications with a D, just a teenager at home, who wouldnt be an issue. To me it was a no-brainer here. I wont even trash his W by anything he has said about her, but from what I do know about her, shes half the woman I am (though twice as big! ha ha). I know she has thwarted his career, I know she keeps an absolutely filthy home and I know she has let herself go and is rocking 200 pounds. Me? Successful, lovely and (clean) home, was working my azz off to help his business and am fit and in great shape. So why would he chose to stay with her? I can only think its because when it all comes down, he loves her more than he wanted me to know, and certainly more than he loved me. Despite the fact that hed been telling me for months how I was the one, and all that he wanted, and we would be together soon, I needed to be a little more patient, I think if I hadn't of aborted our future, he would have strung me along forever.

 

Certainly your tale could turn out differently, but the odds are REALLY against it. (

[DiDi123]

Hi FA,

I am hearing everything you are saying and realize that everyone doesn't know all the details of my situation, but I think I was like a deer in headlights as I was reading some of the posts because I never thought of some of those things.

I am a little embarassed though.

 

I think I will see him on Friday because in my heart that's what I want and see how that goes. I know he won't stay long, but for all I know he doesn't even miss me right now and who knows- maybe he has forgotten about me. He hasn't called since Thursday. I sound pathetic, I know.

[fooled once]

You are 43 years old.

 

Do you really believe that this man who has been married for 33+ years, and hasn't divorced, is going to all of a sudden divorce for a woman he has known 5 months???

 

IF they divorce, she gets half. His talk of her paying him alimony is laughable because he has the capacity to earn money, he is just choosing not to. That is called under-employing himself.

 

And I love how he tells you what a meanie he has for a wife, yet he is an angel. The man who is screwing someone else is the angel. That mean wife who he has CHOSEN to not divorce....

 

She can also tap into his 401k She can make it so he HAS to get a job and can't do what he wants, when he wants. That is why he stays married -- because he can live the life he wants. He goes where he wants, does what he wants and his wife is at home EARNING money and they have the life the dreamed of.

 

Once again, I ask what has HE done for HIS WIFE to make the marriage more interesting? What has he done to change the dole drums of a long marriage? Just because two people have been married for a long time doesn't mean the marriage becomes hum drum. BOTH people have to put forth an effort, not just one.

 

She may well choose not to cook - I hate cooking. My H does it. So does that make me a crappy wife?? Maybe she has some medical issues that make sex harder for her? Women dry up and need assistance some times. Maybe it HURTS her to have sex? We don't know because we aren't there.

 

I find it interesting with the stories of so many affairs and how it is always the wife's fault the man went elsewhere for what he was missing at home. It is always "she won't put out". There is more to marriage than sex. If anyone is basing their relationship based soley on sex -- what a poor way to look at marriage/relationships. There is so much more to it, at least the way I look at my marriage.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't bank on this guy leaving. I know - you two have a one of a kind relationship, you never felt this way before, he/you are soul mates, etc.

 

He is married. He isn't free to date. I sure as hell wouldn't introduce this man as your boyfriend to anyone - especially your family. I did that and let's just say, it was quite embarrassing and humiliating when he didn't leave his wife.

 

Tell him to look you up when he is free. Tell him you don't date married men and when he does get a divorce, call you and see if you are still available.

 

Or go ahead and give him an ultimatum, and while you are at it, call his wife --- see what she has to say about it.

 

Remember the phrase - cheaper to keep her? I am betting this applies in this case. IF their marriage is as bad as he makes it out to be, don't you wonder what kind of man lives so miserably? I just don't understand that mentality.

 

When I was DONE with my marriage - I WAS DONE - and I couldn't get divorced fast enough and I had a child.

 

Good luck - but I have a feeling you will be back, broken hearted because he never took any action and stayed with his 'roommate'. I would hate to see how hurt you will be..... let him go and tell him to come back when he is divorced.

[whichwayisup]

Fooled that was an awesome reply post!!

 

It is always "she won't put out". There is more to marriage than sex. If anyone is basing their relationship based soley on sex --

 

Yes, and just because you two are having 'great sex' and are inlove, doesn't mean it's enough to make him leave his 33 years with his wife. He's put himself IN this situation, stupid enough, now he's at a point that he has to choose.

 

Fooled has raised some really good points, so I hope you take time to really think here.

 

You never answered my question though, if YOU were married for 33+ years, and you met someone, would you leave your spouse for someone you've known for LESS than 6 months? Give up EVERYTHING at middle age, money, house, friends, inlaws, your whole life as you know it??

 

honest answer is no.

 

Has there been a D-Day?

 

i am not ready to walk away and give it up...YET....

 

What's your breaking point? Your ENOUGH is ENOUGH point? What would have to happen for you to walk away?

 

shouldn't I wait until he comes back until Friday from Florida and talks to me?

Sorry, I missed this part. Is he away on holidays with his wife? And he's supposed to break the news to her, the marriage is over and he's leaving her so he can start a new life with you?

 

Yeh wait till comes back and tell him WHEN his Divorce is final, and enough time has gone by, you two then can 'date'.

 

If you stay, you'll be filling in a need for him. He's got used to TWO women now, you to keep his excitement level going, and he's got his wife at home to meet all his other needs.

[DiDi123]

Fooled once-

I don't think he will "all of a sudden" divorce his wife for me. They have discussed how miserable they both are and if they should divorce 10-15 years ago. I think if he does follow through with divorcing her it isn't going to be for me- it will be for himself.

 

As for the finances, maybe you misunderstood. He is retired. She's been making $100k a year for many years and he still pays all the household bills and expenses with the money he makes. And half is half your right- she has a pretty healthly 401k herself as well as savings and other accounts - so he has already figured they'd both leave the marriage financially stable. He would just have to buy her out of the house- everything else divided equally leaves them both with half- she actually has more money than he does technically since her parents (who were quite weathly) have passed away. He doesn't have to work- and he still does. He is always turning down work. If he chose to work more he would make more, he just doesn't need to or want to. And she won't be able to "make him get a job"- there is simply too much money involved.

 

All she does is shop (which is none of my business and I have no issue with if that's what makes her happy). And I don't mean regular shopping- I mean mega shopping to fill the void she has inside her (like when people eat to fill that void)- do you know what I mean? He showed me pictures of clothes with tags on them piled 3-4-5 feet high. Did we laugh about it? NO. He felt bad and sad that nothing he has done for her makes her happy. I tried to explain that this type of behavior is not healthly and she is probably depressed to some degree. He has tried to get her into therapy again and she refuses to go. He feels like a failure, that he hasn't been able to get her to come around.

 

And to clarify- I did not (nor did he) say she was a mean person. He actually said she's a nice person that he just isn't attracted to or wants to be around any longer.

 

They tried counseling together and each of them alone about 15 years ago and did that for about 2 years. That didn't work.

 

Just so you know he has told me things over the years he is not proud of that he did in his marriage (which then prompted the counseling). He used to drink a lot- he was never abusive to her, just liked to party a lot and she partook also. The psychiatrist determined that he wasn't an alcoholic yet, but if he didn't stop or slow down he would become one. He stopped cold turkey and doesn't drink now. He has planned cruises for them and has tried to work things out. She still drinks just not as much.

 

I would never want the drama associated with calling his wife. That road isn't for me. And right now at this moment I am not prepared to give him an ultimatum.

 

And yes I do wonder how he lives so miserably. I have come right out and asked him. "Even if you weren't involved with me (this is what I said) don't you think you'd be living a happier life? And I also asked him how he could stay with someone he feels nothing for". His response has been that this is all he's known for 33 years.

 

I know this isn't a good situation for me.

But I'm just not ready to give an ultimatum, yet.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he will "all of a sudden" divorce his wife for me. They have discussed how miserable they both are and if they should divorce 10-15 years ago. I think if he does follow through with divorcing her it isn't going to be for me- it will be for himself.

 

Do you know this for a fact? Or is this just HIM telling you this.

 

They tried counseling together and each of them alone about 15 years ago and did that for about 2 years. That didn't work.

 

So, why did they NOT divorce back then when they both were unhappy? Or really, is it just him that's unhappy.

 

Has he had other affairs? Or has he told you you've been the only OW?

 

His response has been that this is all he's known for 33 years.

 

Sadly for you, that's probably going to be his reason why he won't leave her..Ever.

[DiDi123]

WHich way-

He's away golfing with his friends (all of whom I've met) and I was supposed to join him and his friends except I had emergency surgery (total abdominal hysterectomy) on September 9th, and am just at the end of my recovery. Please reread my original posts.

Our relationship is not based on sex. Sorry to disappoint you. We haven't had sex for 8 weeks, and didn't right away either. What he has are emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled. He receives no affection from her and when he has tried she rejects him completely.

And would I leave a M of 33 years if I was miserable? YES.

As I have said if he divorced it wouldn't be for me necessarily but because he wants to. I am not so stupid to think he would just leave for me. There are no in-laws involved (all deceased) and she doesn't get along with his family. They don't socialize a lot so there are that many ties to sever. They aren't religious or part of any community functions. They live a very quiet life. She goes out 1-2x a week with her girlfriends. Who knows maybe she has OM?

And if you really read my posts our A is based on compatability and enjoying the same things in life. He has told me from day 1 that if we were to have sex he isn't even sure if the "parts" would work as its been so long.

He has spent more time with me doing regular mudane things (which I really like) than having sex. It just isn't all about the sex.

 

As for my breaking point? Not sure. But he knows when I can't take it anymore I'm gone.

[DiDi123]

One other thing in case you missed it.

She wants nothing to do with him. Shares no interests in being active- going for a walk, learning how to play golf, going on the boat, furnishing the house, gardening, nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. They have no common interests.

 

I don't think he's lying. I can't divulge how I know about the counseling but I do know it took place. HIPAA. That's all I can say about that. He doesn't know that I know he really went for counseling, but lets just say that I know that for a fact.

 

I have also been able to find out a few other things that he told me and those are true too. Is he perfect? No. Am I? No. Is anyone? No.

 

I feel as though you are being awfully harsh with me.......

[fooled once]

ok thats not fair and no need to beat yourself up! Im in the same boat right now. Truly. My MM told me all the things yours did, except mine doesnt have any financial complications with a D, just a teenager at home, who wouldnt be an issue. To me it was a no-brainer here. I wont even trash his W by anything he has said about her, but from what I do know about her, shes half the woman I am (though twice as big! ha ha). I know she has thwarted his career, I know she keeps an absolutely filthy home and I know she has let herself go and is rocking 200 pounds. Me? Successful, lovely and (clean) home, was working my azz off to help his business and am fit and in great shape. So why would he chose to stay with her? I can only think its because when it all comes down, he loves her more than he wanted me to know, and certainly more than he loved me. Despite the fact that hed been telling me for months how I was the one, and all that he wanted, and we would be together soon, I needed to be a little more patient, I think if I hadn't of aborted our future, he would have strung me along forever.

 

Certainly your tale could turn out differently, but the odds are REALLY against it. (

 

Ouch - is a person less desirable if they are overweight? How do YOU know her weight?

 

How do you know how clean or not clean her house is? And why is it HER responsibility to clean the house? Does her husband not know how to run a vacuum? What does it say about HIM that he chooses to live that way? HE lives in a filthy house.

[fooled once]

Fooled once-

I don't think he will "all of a sudden" divorce his wife for me. They have discussed how miserable they both are and if they should divorce 10-15 years ago. I think if he does follow through with divorcing her it isn't going to be for me- it will be for himself.

 

As for the finances, maybe you misunderstood. He is retired. She's been making $100k a year for many years and he still pays all the household bills and expenses with the money he makes. And half is half your right- she has a pretty healthly 401k herself as well as savings and other accounts - so he has already figured they'd both leave the marriage financially stable. He would just have to buy her out of the house- everything else divided equally leaves them both with half- she actually has more money than he does technically since her parents (who were quite weathly) have passed away. He doesn't have to work- and he still does. He is always turning down work. If he chose to work more he would make more, he just doesn't need to or want to. And she won't be able to "make him get a job"- there is simply too much money involved.

 

All she does is shop (which is none of my business and I have no issue with if that's what makes her happy). And I don't mean regular shopping- I mean mega shopping to fill the void she has inside her (like when people eat to fill that void)- do you know what I mean? He showed me pictures of clothes with tags on them piled 3-4-5 feet high. Did we laugh about it? NO. He felt bad and sad that nothing he has done for her makes her happy. I tried to explain that this type of behavior is not healthly and she is probably depressed to some degree. He has tried to get her into therapy again and she refuses to go. He feels like a failure, that he hasn't been able to get her to come around.

 

And to clarify- I did not (nor did he) say she was a mean person. He actually said she's a nice person that he just isn't attracted to or wants to be around any longer.

 

They tried counseling together and each of them alone about 15 years ago and did that for about 2 years. That didn't work.

 

Just so you know he has told me things over the years he is not proud of that he did in his marriage (which then prompted the counseling). He used to drink a lot- he was never abusive to her, just liked to party a lot and she partook also. The psychiatrist determined that he wasn't an alcoholic yet, but if he didn't stop or slow down he would become one. He stopped cold turkey and doesn't drink now. He has planned cruises for them and has tried to work things out. She still drinks just not as much.

 

I would never want the drama associated with calling his wife. That road isn't for me. And right now at this moment I am not prepared to give him an ultimatum.

 

And yes I do wonder how he lives so miserably. I have come right out and asked him. "Even if you weren't involved with me (this is what I said) don't you think you'd be living a happier life? And I also asked him how he could stay with someone he feels nothing for". His response has been that this is all he's known for 33 years.

 

I know this isn't a good situation for me.

But I'm just not ready to give an ultimatum, yet.

 

They They They --- how do you know what "they" decided? Because he told you? How do you know she has a void to fill? Did she tell you?

 

Be very careful with what a lying cheater tells you ---

 

He has told you things over the years???....... I thought you met him 5 months ago??

[jwi71]

Fooled once-

I don't think he will "all of a sudden" divorce his wife for me. They have discussed how miserable they both are and if they should divorce 10-15 years ago. I think if he does follow through with divorcing her it isn't going to be for me- it will be for himself.

 

Ay yi yi.

 

They discussed it 15 years ago! And didn't file?

 

It ain't happening darling. He's going exactly nowhere.

 

He will keep the comfort of the W and the excitement you provide. Sorry, you'll NEVER be more than you are now.

 

I tried to explain that this type of behavior is not healthly and she is probably depressed to some degree. He has tried to get her into therapy again and she refuses to go. He feels like a failure, that he hasn't been able to get her to come around.

Uh...so much for not caring or ships in the night. Look, he feels like a failure for a reason...think on it would ya'?

 

And to clarify- I did not (nor did he) say she was a mean person. He actually said she's a nice person that he just isn't attracted to or wants to be around any longer.

How much you wanna bet they discussed that 15 years ago?

Actually, why DIDN'T they file back then?

 

They tried counseling together and each of them alone about 15 years ago and did that for about 2 years. That didn't work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What didn't work? The MC? The IC? Why? Why was he in IC and why did he quit?

 

Just so you know he has told me things over the years he is not proud of that he did in his marriage (which then prompted the counseling). He used to drink a lot- he was never abusive to her, just liked to party a lot and she partook also. The psychiatrist determined that he wasn't an alcoholic yet, but if he didn't stop or slow down he would become one. He stopped cold turkey and doesn't drink now. He has planned cruises for them and has tried to work things out. She still drinks just not as much.

Oh...next time I'll read then reply and not reply while reading...but I'm too lazy to start this post over.

 

When was he last trying to work things out again? Recently?

I hope not...as this would contradict his story about "not caring"....

 

I would never want the drama associated with calling his wife. That road isn't for me.

What drama? If the M is dead and niether has any love for the other (ships in the night)...why would his W care? Why would HE care?

 

Seems like they wouldn't IF his words were true....especially after all these years...

 

And yes I do wonder how he lives so miserably. I have come right out and asked him. "Even if you weren't involved with me (this is what I said) don't you think you'd be living a happier life? And I also asked him how he could stay with someone he feels nothing for". His response has been that this is all he's known for 33 years.

I highly doubt this. Sorry, but people go to MC and IC to try and salvage feelings and M. Implying it WAS good at one point...so that would mean 15 years, not 33. If your MM said 33 years...he's lying. Because had the M died THEN he would say 15 years. But he didn't...he said 33. And it wasn't ALL bad from day one. About 18 years in...they went. Before that...all roses I'm sure. I might be reading too much into...but I would think he would recall when the M died and count from there. I know in my personal case that's how I count...from when I felt the M dead (I somehow managed to D my now xW...I wanted it...that's how).

 

I know this isn't a good situation for me.

WE all know. And listen, er read, the various perspectives. For me, I am passionately ANTI-MM and ANTI-MW. And I know SOME do work out...but they are few and far between. To me, your MM isn't going anywhere...he has no reason to leave. (sorry)

 

I am at least happy you managed to smile and laugh at my ocean front property bit...

 

Think darling...think.

 

JW

[fooled once]

WHich way-

He's away golfing with his friends (all of whom I've met) and I was supposed to join him and his friends except I had emergency surgery (total abdominal hysterectomy) on September 9th, and am just at the end of my recovery. Please reread my original posts.

Our relationship is not based on sex. Sorry to disappoint you. **Not on single person said it was. My point was that MOST MM pull the "my wife won't put out to me" line and many OW buy it, when in actuality, they ARE having sex with their wives. We haven't had sex for 8 weeks, and didn't right away either. What he has are emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled. He receives no affection from her and when he has tried she rejects him completely. Again, how do you know he receives NO affection? Because he told you? The man who is lying to his wife -- he is lying to her but being truthful to you??

And would I leave a M of 33 years if I was miserable? YES.

As I have said if he divorced it wouldn't be for me necessarily but because he wants to. I am not so stupid to think he would just leave for me. There are no in-laws involved (all deceased) and she doesn't get along with his family. They don't socialize a lot so there are that many ties to sever. They aren't religious or part of any community functions. They live a very quiet life. She goes out 1-2x a week with her girlfriends. So why haven't they divorced? If their life together is as you describe it, why hasn't he left? Why hasn't she left? Who knows maybe she has OM?

And if you really read my posts our A is based on compatability and enjoying the same things in life. He has told me from day 1 that if we were to have sex he isn't even sure if the "parts" would work as its been so long.

He has spent more time with me doing regular mudane things (which I really like) than having sex. It just isn't all about the sex. Please don't get defensive - no one said it was all about sex.

 

As for my breaking point? Not sure. But he knows when I can't take it anymore I'm gone.

 

My responses in bold above.

[fooled once]

I don't mean to make you upset.

 

I have been an OW before -- he was married, no kid from their marriage (kids from prior marriages) -- I was 33, he was 50. Same things the MM you are having an affair with are the same things I was told -- just the length of marriage is different.

 

Guess what -- he is still married to her (I think). It was 12+ years ago.

 

Also, before meeting him I was previously married. I divorced my ex. We had been married 9 years, had a son, but when i was DONE, I was DONE and we divorced. We didn't spend 20+ years pretending to have a marriage.

 

I firmly believe that (a) you are not his first mistress; (b) he is never ever going to leave his wife © his marriage may be ho-hum, but it isn't bad enough for him to leave; (d) you are going to get your heart broken.

 

I think the reason you won't give an ultimatum is because you know he will choose his wife. You know it deep down. You know it because you know if the marriage was as unfulfilling as he describes it, he would have left a long time ago.

 

Many of us here have lived what you are going through. I don't mean to upset you in anyway. I am only going by my past experience and what I have learned about here on LS.

[DiDi123]

All I can say I don't believe he has lied to me.

 

I am going to wait until he returns on Friday and talk to him then.

I'll see how that goes and go from there.

 

I certainly don't like how I'm feeling right now. And I know myself well enough that I can't continue like this. Its just too much.

[jj33]

Assuming for the moment that his story is true (we may as well it doesnt change the outcome)

 

lets look at why perhaps he hasnt left.

 

He has freedom.

 

He doesnt believe the grass is greener.

 

He doesnt need to split assets.

 

If he is "underemployed" (apologies for not going back and reading the details) then potentially, hed have to work harder if he left.

 

he likes their life even if he feels frustrated that his W isnt participating with him the way hed like her to. EVEN if he wishes she were more like you.

 

Is it impossible that he will leave? No. Its not impossible.

 

It is possible that now that he (as one friend put it) has basked in the sun, he wont be able to go back to living without the sun.

 

But he will only figure that out if you end the A.

 

So long as he has both, there is no great need for him to leave, other than the stress of living 2 lives. And even if she doesnt care its still stressful because she may not care in theory but if she knew he was in love with you that is different than just having a little tryst to fill in the gaps. It blows apart the whole its just for sex angle.

 

It is possible for someone to divorce after all those years. Sometimes people slow down and are spending more time with their spouse than they have in years and say OMG this is NOT what I signed up for. People have changed or not changed together. I read somewhere that the 60s set is the set divorcing most in certain countries.

 

and indeed xMM who is close in age to your guy said that his friends were now after all these years suddenly divorcing more than ever before. They look ahead and think life is short and they want more from their relationships than to settle as they have been doing for years.

 

So yes its possible.

 

But I am a firm believer that if someone doesnt jump fast then the only way to see if they will leave is to end the A.

 

Its not a manipulation if you dont want to be the OW.

 

It means that either he will say ciao its been great wish you would stay longer but I cant leave.

 

Or he will live without you and decide that his marriage has been dead for years, what is he doing there and its time to make a change, regardless of the disruption to his life.

 

If only I had a crystal ball.

[DiDi123]

Thank you for taking the time to write a "softer" response - I am hurting right now. I didn't expect to feel this upset and confused. My head is spinning and I took 2 valiums about a half hour ago so I am calming down.

 

I am going back to work tomorrow after 8 weeks off for medical leave- which was hard enough for me to deal with, which I am not looking forward to.

 

I wish you had a crystal ball too.

I just can't imagine my life without him- at least not yet anyway. I don't know what to do.

 

Sometimes I think that if he doesn't divorce his wife he won't end the A- he'll make me do the dirty work and leave him so he can justify why we aren't seeing each other. He'll think well she left me. I don't know.

 

I don't know anything anymore. Except, of course that I am going back to work tomorrow, and at least that will get me out of the house and around other people and get him off my mind.

 

I really just don't know what to do.

**sniff**

[Alpha Female]

I think if he does follow through with divorcing her it isn't going to be for me- it will be for himself.

 

Gosh, this is exactly what I told my MM in the beginning. That if he left her, it would be for him, and not for me/us. Eventually that changed and I wanted him to leave not only for himself, because it was the right thing to do, but also because I could not physically take being the OW for a second longer. I began to feel like he was cheating on me! How crazy is that? I guess I felt like his heart was so with mine, that his physical distance of going home to her at night was so out of place - it simply didnt make sense.

 

I really want things to work out for you, DiDi. But, I think you need to be prepared and braced for very few of these things to actually resolve well for the OW. Im like you, by the way, 44, never married, no kids. I wasnt looking for the affair - it "happened". But, Im lucky it was only a few months, and that I didnt spend years waiting for him to leave her. I also want marriage and commitment, and if you really want these things, you need to figure out how much time your going to give your MM to make a change. Because each day you spend with him and he doesnt leave her, means one less day with the man your really meant to be with.

[Alpha Female]

Sometimes I think that if he doesn't divorce his wife he won't end the A- he'll make me do the dirty work and leave him so he can justify why we aren't seeing each other. He'll think well she left me. I don't know.

 

Yes, thats what mine did. Despite promising me he was leaving her (and in a week, too!), he ended up pulling away to the point that he knew I would react to it and end it, which I did, then all he did was confirm things. So, he still gets to seem like the good guy, even though we both know it ended because he didnt have the plums to walk.

 

Just be easy on yourself, DiDi. This is super fresh for me, and I see it will be a process.

[fooled once]

((hug)) I truly didn't mean to upset you, but I also just want to warn you that you will more than likely get hurt. If you are hurt now, at 5 months, think how much more it is going to hurt 6 more months from now? Think how much more of your heart is going to be broken.

 

I don't mean to be a downer. I truly don't,

 

I just believe that if he really wanted to be divorced, he would have done it years ago.

 

And I don't think you want to be the mistress for the rest of your life. I think you want your own man. I think you want to be the 'only' love of someone. And that is exactly what you should get/have.

 

I hope you can get some rest.

 

Good luck tomorrow back at work; take it easy and don't over do it!

[DiDi123]

Alpha- thanks for the words of encouragement.

Fooled once- I know you don't mean to upset me, its just the way it is. Just so you know we'll be at 4 months if we make it to November 10th.

 

*BIG SIGH* *BIG sniff* *lots of tissues*

I truly don't want to be a mistress for the rest of my life. I do want my own man. For once in my life I want to come first. I want to not come home to an empty house (well my cats are here) I want to write 2 on response cards to weddings and other things, I want someone to share things with, do things with. I am SO tired of being alone. I will share this not because I think I'm so great, but so you know- I used to model and am in decent shape, and I have a few degrees so I'm not stupid. I just can't understand how I am where I am at this point in my life.

 

I went to the market today and just stopped at one point and looked at all the overweight, unattractive women (I'm not picking on anyone or trying to be mean) and they all had wedding rings on. How is it that these women are all married and I'm not? Is there no one out there for me?

 

I also am feeling really bad about something I did today. Please don't anyone be mean to me (at least not tonight- I can't take it)- On my way home I drove by his house. He only lives 5 minutes away and I never had the desire to do this until I was driving home. Well not only did I drive by SHE was letting the dogs out and I SAW her. OMG! short, kind of plump, short frizzy brown hair and I am so sorry, but she isn't very nice looking. Not at all what I expected. I don't want to sound mean but I just pictured someone completely different. So I was pretty bad today.

 

I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. He's in Florida with his friends, and has the freedom to call me anytime, and doesn't call me for 3 days? Not a good sign, huh? Guess he forgot about me, or whatever. This is the longest we haven't spoke.

*SIGH* please pass the tissues *sniff*

Why oh why do I allow 1 person to have complete control over me.

What on earth is wrong with me?

I am now thinking of not going back to work tomorrow. I am a mess right now. I took another v because the pain has not numbed yet. Please pain - start numbing...

[Alpha Female]

*BIG SIGH* *BIG sniff* *lots of tissues*

I truly don't want to be a mistress for the rest of my life. I do want my own man. For once in my life I want to come first. I want to not come home to an empty house (well my cats are here) I want to write 2 on response cards to weddings and other things, I want someone to share things with, do things with. I am SO tired of being alone. I will share this not because I think I'm so great, but so you know- I used to model and am in decent shape, and I have a few degrees so I'm not stupid. I just can't understand how I am where I am at this point in my life.

 

I went to the market today and just stopped at one point and looked at all the overweight, unattractive women (I'm not picking on anyone or trying to be mean) and they all had wedding rings on. How is it that these women are all married and I'm not? Is there no one out there for me?

 

I also am feeling really bad about something I did today. Please don't anyone be mean to me (at least not tonight- I can't take it)- On my way home I drove by his house. He only lives 5 minutes away and I never had the desire to do this until I was driving home. Well not only did I drive by SHE was letting the dogs out and I SAW her. OMG! short, kind of plump, short frizzy brown hair and I am so sorry, but she isn't very nice looking. Not at all what I expected. I don't want to sound mean but I just pictured someone completely different. So I was pretty bad today.

 

I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. He's in Florida with his friends, and has the freedom to call me anytime, and doesn't call me for 3 days? Not a good sign, huh? Guess he forgot about me, or whatever. This is the longest we haven't spoke.

*SIGH* please pass the tissues *sniff*

Why oh why do I allow 1 person to have complete control over me.

What on earth is wrong with me?

I am now thinking of not going back to work tomorrow. I am a mess right now. I took another v because the pain has not numbed yet. Please pain - start numbing...

 

Oh honey. I so get you right now, I really do.

 

I also dont want to be alone anymore. I have had bad luck with dating, and this is the first guy Ive been with for more than three dates in forever. I really thought wed spend our lives together. Mainly because he always said thats what he wanted.

 

Like you, my MMs W is a beast. And thats not nasty OW talk. She completely let herself go and is rolling around 200 pounds. I met her once and she was wearing sweat pants tucked inside cowboy boots with a mans dress shirt hanging over it. It was hideous and I couldnt imagine even being in my home in that get up, let alone in public! She wears no makeup, and her hair is broken off and damaged. Shes of average intelligence with no formal education. She keeps the filthiest of homes I have ever seen and it is decorated like early white trash.

 

Then theres me. Hot, fit, successful, gorgeous home.

 

Besides all the other things of what she does or doesnt do for him, or what I did for him, he still at the end of the day chose to stay with her. Even though he admitted I gave him hope for a better future, he didnt feel he deserved it. That he was torn between 20 years of history and a "new frontier" (meaning me).

 

I dont doubt your MM has real feelings for you, as I know mine did for me. But, when push comes to shove, MM so rarely leave their W's. And its not always about love, they often stay for other reasons - finances, fear - who knows.

 

A good friend was in an PA with a MW for 8 years. He finally left his W to be with her, and she couldnt pull the plug. After 8 years and him divorcing his W to be with her, she still couldnt walk. Even though she had the classic unhappy M but was staying for the kids.

 

What you should do is give your MM the ultimatum. Tell him when he files for divorce, he can call you again. Until then, see ya. Because honestly - IF my MM contacts me - this is exactly what I will tell him.

[tami-chan]

Hi Didi! I hope the valium is helping you...I am concerned though why you took two? Even in pain, you want a clearer mind when dealing with this. So please, be careful with taking those kinds of meds...but I am sure you know that already. Are you on post-op pain meds also? Anyway....

 

I just wanted to share something with you. I was in an "unhappy" marriage for a long time. My husband (now soon to be ex-husband) was a serial cheater and I stayed in the marriage. I disagree with some who say, that if the marriage was so unhappy the person would leave. It is not true. Many stay. I stayed. What I did to make it less unhappy was to change my focus in the marriage- it was no longer a marriage in the truest sense, but it became a very good partnership of sorts-financial, raising a kid and what not. We rarely had arguments and I didnt ask him about his affairs, we were also not intimate. My life was not miserable in the marriage once I decided my H was no longer a focal point in my life. People adjust to their situations and they make changes to make their lives tolerable, even happier. So, perhaps your MM did that and while the frumpy wife looks revolting...he does not have to look at her-there is golf, travels,and of course, there is you!

 

You are ONLY 43. This man is 58-been with the same woman for 33 years..he is set in his ways. Apparently, when people get older the physical beauty diminishes in importance. What's important is who was there when bad things happened? Who can you trust? Who is tested by time? Not you, but the wife.

 

Anyhow, in my own life, as the years rolled on, my needs have changed and my focus changed. After more than a decade of being in a quasi-marriage, I did embark in a 4-year affair with a MM. He has since divorced his wife (but not after almost a decade long dry spell in their marriage-complete with pleas of counseling, etc). So you see? it IS difficult for many to leave a marriage.

 

One more thing, I wouldn't be too clingy to the MM. Everything works on supply and demand. Make him come after you but when you are together make that time matter.

 

Take care of yourself.

[jj33]

Sometimes I think that if he doesn't divorce his wife he won't end the A- he'll make me do the dirty work and leave him so he can justify why we aren't seeing each other. He'll think well she left me. I don't know.

 

**sniff**

 

Maybe but that is no the point. The point is, that you need to take care of you. You cant bounce on the waves with his choices.

 

I dont say this to rub it in, but you are not a team at this point. He is not putting your interests first, he is counting on YOU to do that for you.

 

You are thinking: We love each other, he will do what is best for us BOTH as will I.

 

NO WRONG. He will do what is best for him, and so you must do what is best for you.

 

You cant see it but if its causing you this much pain eventually you will have to end it. Then you can see what he does. Will he put his money where his mouth is...

 

Big hugs and good luck at work

[DiDi123]

Hi- thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice.

 

I didn't sleep well last night, but have showered, did my hair and even put a touch of mascara & lipstick on. I am off to work- which will be good for me.

First day back after 8 weeks.

 

I'll check in later and answer some of the other questions.

As of right now, my mental state is that I am pretending to myself that everything is fine (to get through the day) and am going to focus on work & TRY NOT to even think of him.

 

Of course this will all possibly crumble when I get home and realize I am all alone again. At least I am not into my eating frenzies to cope!, lol.

 

Chin up for now and going to focus on ME- going to take a run after work like I used to instead of sitting at home waiting for him to possibly call.

 

That's what is best for me. Pray I follow through!!! lol!!!

 

Sorry about my meltdown last night and over the weekend. Although I don't really know anyone here I feel as though I have bonded with you guys and really appreciate everyone here. As many of you know there aren't a lot of people we can about this stuff to and I am grateful I found LS and all of you.

 

I am strong and have survived a lot in life (another time I'll get into that).

I WILL survive this.

 

I am thinking Gloria Gaynor right now! LOL!!! I feel as though that's my theme song for the day!!!