Questions for OW & MM(30+yrs & no kids)from OW

[DiDi123]

Alpha,

Yes these are baby steps but I don't know what's really going on. I have no idea if he's going to call when he returns from his golf trip on Friday.

He may just call and think nothing of the fact that he hasn't called in days because he was golfing and not realize how pissed I am about his not calling me more often than he was prior to going.

I can just see him thinking nothing is wrong at and picking up right where we left off.

I don't know.

[RedDevil66]

To the OP, I am so sorry for your pain, but it does sound like he's playing you

 

Now I have to say this, to you and Alpha or any other OW who calls the wife "a beast"

Not EVERY man or person is shallow and not all love is about looks.

 

Beauty is on the INSIDE since outter beauty fades and these "beasts" obviously have something they offer their H's because the H's don't leave.

 

Come on now, it's low enough being the OW, but no reason to bash someone's looks.

 

It's really childish!

[whichwayisup]

DiDi, he really isn't obligated to you. You've put strings attached big time. He's away with his buddy's! Maybe he just got busy, or needs a total break. You can be pissed at him all you want, but the main issue still remains, you are not his wife and he isn't going to put you first. Sorry to be harsh.

[jj33]

He can only pick up right where you left off if you let him

 

You control the relatoniship either its on your terms or its not.

 

 

It only gets to be on his terms if you allow it.

 

Take some power back. Dont be afraid of losing him.

 

Dont be around when he calls. Dont wait for his call.

 

Be busy. Who the f is he that you wait with baited breath. You dont do yourself any favors.

[DiDi123]

Yes- I agree with so many things you guys have said.

jj- Correct about being on his terms if I allow it. THis is where I am NOW. Its on MY terms or not at all. Now that I'm back to work and he can't spend time during the day with me things are going to change- he just doesn't realize how drastically.

 

Prior to my surgery I would work until 4 and hit the gym or play 9 holes of golf after work - but found myself sometimes blowing all that off to make sure I was home "in case" he called around 4:30 and wanted to come over for a few hours. THen he would need to be home by 6-6:30. And I ALLOWED this to happen. NO MORE.

 

I'm BUSY. And I'm not going to be rearranging MY LIFE to conform to his. I an just hear him asking to come over after work and my new response is going to be "Sure you can come over- but I'm on my way out to the gym - I should be home by 8PM- how about then?" And he'll say come on you know I can't do that- OH FLIPPING WELL - then I guess YOU won't be seeing me today. THis is how I would treat a single guy I was dating and from now on that is how he is being treated.

 

I will no longer make sacrifices that benefit just him. Sorry - 2 hours with him just isn't worth it. If he wants to see me he'll figure out there are new rules. Like them? Not like them? TOO BAD.

 

I will regain power over ME and MY LIFE and NO LONGER allow him to have that power over me. I am going to do what's best for ME and let him make the sacrifices and if he walks then he walks.

 

Whichway- Yes I realize what your saying- but I want a man in my life that thinks of me and no matter what he's doing has 60 seconds to pick up the phone and say hi. What men don't realize if we need our emotional tanks filled too. That 60 second call would shown an action instead of absolutely nothing. When men don't call for days I tend to get very turned off- and pissed off, lol. DO NOT friggin' ignore ME. All the sacrifices I have made to be with you (lying to everyone, making myself available, etc.) and you can't pick up the phone and say hi? SORRY- not acceptable. I don;t give a crap who you are.

 

Oh and I don't think I have put too many strings- I am accustomed to him being here everyday, talking on the phone, because that was how HE wanted it that way (and yes I liked it because I home recovering and he was a huge help and now he just cuts me off? Why because he's hanging with his buddies? Give me a break. I was supposed to be there this week but because of the surgery I couldn't.

 

Sorry if someone really cares for someone they communicate.

 

In my twenties I dated a heart surgeon- busy 24/7, on call and guess what- HE HAD TIME TO PICK UP THE PHONE and call me. I should have married him.......but I wanted a career and he wanted a wife and mother to have his children, be part of his philinthropic organizations, charity work, with a house in the Hamptons and a mercedez station wagon, lol. Ridiculous now, because NOW that's exactly what I'd love. Security, a husband and children, and to be happy and fulfilled on many different levels.

 

Anyway, taking power back, that's what I have to do. Its the only thing I can do right now that feels good for me.

 

If he presses me as I expect him to by mid-week next week I am prepared to tell him that maybe he needs time to sort things out. And that I have had lots of time to think over the last 2 weeks about my needs and expectations and I need time to also sort things out about what I want.

 

Doesn't any of this make sense?

[whichwayisup]

Great post Didi!

 

Sorry if someone really cares for someone they communicate.

 

Exactly. His actions are telling you...?? What? I'll let you think about this one.

 

Bottomline - Stop making time for him, stop putting him first. He isn't making you a priority, so why make him one?

[Holding-On]

 

Sorry if someone really cares for someone they communicate.

 

In my twenties I dated a heart surgeon- busy 24/7, on call and guess what- HE HAD TIME TO PICK UP THE PHONE and call me.

 

Remember this. It is SO true.

My husband was working in an ice storm. Horrible conditions. Digging people out of their homes, bringing supplies. No communications systems with the power lines down and all.

 

I still have the scraps of paper he wrote me letters on. With a blunt pencil.

 

This guy is soooo not worth your time.

[whichwayisup]

In my twenties I dated a heart surgeon- busy 24/7, on call and guess what- HE HAD TIME TO PICK UP THE PHONE and call me.

 

But that guy wasn't married.. A MM will prioritize, put his life in various boxes, depending on the day/hour/minute.

[fooled once]

I am betting he talked to his wife every day. Know why? Because many times, the wife comes before the mistress.

 

You have known this married guy 4 months -- you act like this is a big anniversary or something -- which is what girls in their 20's did.

 

4 months *shrug* Wow. Honestly DiDi -- you haven't spent that much time with him. I am guessing your parents have no idea he is married. How do you feel knowing you are making fools out of them with this guy? How do you think they are going to feel when they find out this guy you were having them meet, having them bond with, is a married man? How do you think your father is going to feel knowing you, his little girl, was some guys mistress?

 

You don't want to give him an ultimatum because you know what he will do. He isn't going to throw away a 33 year marriage on a girl he has known 4 months. Heck, he won't even call you when he is out of town when he has all the time in the world to talk to you openly. What does that show you???

 

I do understand being lonely -- but really, how are you not lonely 'dating' a married man?? He can come over for a roll in the day between 4:30 and 6.

 

Girl, aren't you worth more than that??? You tell us you are good looking, fit, educated, above average in all categories, have money --- with all this, you can only 'get' a married guy interested in you? Bologna. Something more is going on. I do get that you are lonely and needy. Many women are. But with all these great attributes, why aren't you dating a lot? Are there no single men where you work? At the gym? On the golf course?

 

I also agree with Red -- how come when the Affair isn't going the way the OW wants, out comes the digs at the wife? Beast? Ugly? Is it because she has what the OW wants - the guy?

 

Didi - I do think you need to find a good counselor, someone who can help you realize you are better than getting sloppy seconds.

 

I think you are taking great steps towards freeing yourself from the grasp of someone who is married to someone else. I think it is great that you made reservations, but I wonder if he asked you to change them, if you would jump right on the computer and change them. Or invite him to join you and whoever you are going with.

 

Get out there and LIVE. Make the necessary adjustments within YOU to stop settling for less than you deserve. Find the strength to free yourself and to find someone who wants to be with you FULLTIME, not just on his timetable.

 

I hope you can start living for YOU -- and I hope you continue to do things like your dance class, going to the gym, playing golf. I wish you a lot of luck!!

 

Always remember - actions speak louder than words. Actions can define a person.

 

Good luck!

[Alpha Female]

Alpha,

Yes these are baby steps but I don't know what's really going on. I have no idea if he's going to call when he returns from his golf trip on Friday.

He may just call and think nothing of the fact that he hasn't called in days because he was golfing and not realize how pissed I am about his not calling me more often than he was prior to going.

I can just see him thinking nothing is wrong at and picking up right where we left off.

I don't know.

 

And wouldnt that suck? If he acted so nonchalant?

 

Now I have to say this, to you and Alpha or any other OW who calls the wife "a beast"

Not EVERY man or person is shallow and not all love is about looks.

 

Beauty is on the INSIDE since outter beauty fades and these "beasts" obviously have something they offer their H's because the H's don't leave.

 

Come on now, it's low enough being the OW, but no reason to bash someone's looks.

 

It's really childish!

 

I think your moralizing on OW when you have a long history of cheating on your W is pretty hypocritical, dont you think? Your like the reform ex-smoker.

 

And just because a MM is weak and doesnt have the plums to leave someone he thought so little of that he cheated on her, doesnt mean he stays because shes lovely "on the inside". ha ha

[whichwayisup]

You have known this married guy 4 months

 

33+ years vs 4 months.

 

Have to ask, are you his first affair?

[RedDevil66]

And wouldnt that suck? If he acted so nonchalant?

 

 

 

I think your moralizing on OW when you have a long history of cheating on your W is pretty hypocritical, dont you think? Your like the reform ex-smoker.

 

And just because a MM is weak and doesnt have the plums to leave someone he thought so little of that he cheated on her, doesnt mean he stays because shes lovely "on the inside". ha ha

 

Umm, I'm a woman sweetie and have no wife.

I cheated with a married guy 10 yrs ago and it was only once, so long history, I think not

Reread my posts

And yes I am reformed and admitted I was a total scum bag for being a cheater and being with SOMEONE ELSE's husband!

I lived and learned and sharing my experience!

[Alpha Female]

Umm, I'm a woman sweetie and have no wife.

I cheated with a married guy 10 yrs ago and it was only once, so long history, I think not

Reread my posts

And yes I am reformed and admitted I was a total scum bag for being a cheater and being with SOMEONE ELSE's husband!

I lived and learned and sharing my experience!

 

Well good for you for realizing your a scumbag.

 

Perhaps you can afford DiDi (and other posting OW/OM) the chance to work through her own process without the name calling and abuse? Because I can tell you it accomplishes nothing productive. Everyone has to go through their own pain and path with this and attacks dont help.

[RedDevil66]

Well good for you for realizing your a scumbag.

 

Perhaps you can afford DiDi (and other posting OW/OM) the chance to work through her own process without the name calling and abuse? Because I can tell you it accomplishes nothing productive. Everyone has to go through their own pain and path with this and attacks dont help.

 

Correction, I WAS a scum bag, just like you :-)

[jj33]

Di Im glad to see you are taking your life back. If he can fit into your life and you are happy with that, then that is great.

 

If not, then his loss. He isnt looking out for your best intrests. Only you can do that.

[DiDi123]

"Have to ask, are you his first affair?"

Yes

 

Alpha- Yes it would suck if he were so nonchalant-

Which is exactly what I think is happening....I say that because he called around 7 (I didn't answer) and he left a message (he had a connecting flight) and that he call me later. I am not answering the phone.

And thank you for your support

 

I am trying to do the best I can.

 

Someone asked if I date- no, hardly ever. I don't go out a lot and I am deep down I feel insecure, shy....so when I get approached I tend to back away.

 

I know I have issues. And I am trying to work on them.

 

Oh- as for the vacation plans he's not invited and I wouldn't change my plans with auntie at ANY time for him (or anyone else that I was dating). My family are the biggest support system. Even if he said he could go at this point the answer is no. I enjoy the company with my family and have no problem going without him.

 

The other thing I thought of today is (please don't blast me) why can't I just use him like he seemed to be using me? I just mean that if he can fullfil some of my needs while I am "looking around"?? Is that horrible of me? lol

[jj33]

No its not horrible but dont be naive if you didnt care for him the way you do, you could use him, but as you have strong feelings he doesnt fall into the fbuddy category

[DiDi123]

Yes, lol I know.

And I don't think I could really do that but thought maybe if I said it "out loud" that I could! LOL.....

And yes I do have strong feelings for him.....

 

I guess I am trying to just deal with this.

[Impudent Oyster]

And just because a MM is weak and doesnt have the plums to leave someone he thought so little of that he cheated on her, doesnt mean he stays because shes lovely "on the inside". ha ha

 

If he cared "so little" he wouldn't turn himself inside out to make sure no one found out he was cheating nor would he beg her forgiveness if a d-day occurred.

 

Bottom line Alpha female, who cares WHY he stays, only that he does. The reasons are just excuses for the fact that he stays because that's what he wants., PERIOD.

 

If he wanted the OW, he'd leave and be with her. Simple as that, people get divorced every day.

[Alpha Female]

The other thing I thought of today is (please don't blast me) why can't I just use him like he seemed to be using me? I just mean that if he can fullfil some of my needs while I am "looking around"?? Is that horrible of me? lol

 

Because your a caring feeling person who is incapable of using people. This is not a bad thing, DiDi. Take comfort in knowing you are a good person.

 

If he cared "so little" he wouldn't turn himself inside out to make sure no one found out he was cheating nor would he beg her forgiveness if a d-day occurred.

 

Simple as that, people get divorced every day.

 

And if he cared "so much" he never would have cheated on his W to begin with.

 

And MM continue to serially cheat on their W's every day, even after begging them to stay after a dday, or promising theyd never do it again, simple as that.

[Impudent Oyster]

Because your a caring feeling person who is incapable of using people. This is not a bad thing, DiDi. Take comfort in knowing you are a good person.

 

 

 

And if he cared "so much" he never would have cheated on his W to begin with.

 

And MM continue to serially cheat on their W's every day, even after begging them to stay after a dday, or promising theyd never do it again, simple as that.

 

Not true.

 

You are unable to separate the cheater from the marriage.

 

As far as your assertion that MM continue to cheat after begging their wives not to leave them after d-day, are you saying that is true of ALL MM? Where do you get your "facts"?

[tami-chan]

 

As far as your assertion that MM continue to cheat after begging their wives not to leave them after d-day, are you saying that is true of ALL MM? Where do you get your "facts"?

 

hmmm...ask those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater"... besides you know there is always an exception to the rule..are you asking that just to be a smart ass?