what to do?

[Lucille]

I have been with my bf for 4 years now but he won't talk about marriage or living together. This has been the case for a while, as well we have had other serious problems, but he says he loves me and wants to be with me. Because of all the upheaval and the lack of planning and commitment on his side over a long period of time, my feelings have faded a bit, and sexually I'm not that keen any more, even though I do love him.

 

The problem is that I have met some one else who I have found myself very attracted to physically and I have fantasised about sleeping with. I feel quite ashamed about this for my bf's sake, but I feel that with my current state of mind, I'm vulnerable to something happening with this guy.

 

The thing is that, since I've met this guy, my bf is starting to talk about marriage, almost as though he senses sth is going on. Now I don't know if I want to marry him, given my thoughts about this other guy. I don't want to risk losing what I have with my bf to have a sexual fling with this new guy.

 

Any thoughts on what to do?

[Tony T]

What is it that you have with your boyfriend??? You painted a pretty bleak picture in your post. So he starts talking a bit when he senses your heart is wandering. What kind of deal is that??? Is that how you want your romance to be with him throughout your life???

 

It takes a LOT more than love to make a relationship. You don't have one now and that's OK. That's what dating is all about.

 

Bust loose from this deal and go for a guy who will love you, want to be with you, work out problems in the relationship creatively and constructively, and give you great hope for the future.

 

If you were truly in love with and committed to your boyfriend, you would not be having such feelings for this other guy.

 

You know in your heart what you need to do.

[rina]

Surely you jest here? On one hand you're feeling bad about his not committing and then mention 'he' wants to be with you despite your stating there are other 'serious' problems, not the least of which is your fading attraction physically!

 

How many times and different way can you answer your own questions, before you, yourself, see them and listen to them? You don't want advice, you want permission to agree with your own wisdom. Okay! you've got permission. Do something about it and stop asking others what is most and most importantly clear to you.

[ViperXprez99]

Sorry about the previous post, ignore it. Mistake. Lucille, you have quite a delimma. People can't tell you to throw away time that is invested in love for someone else when it has no implications on their lives. You apparently have no relationship with this new fellow yet. Yet you do not seem to be very enthusiastic about your boyfriend.I was in a relationship with my EX-wife similar to your situation. I waited about 4 years to ask her to marry me, and we did. Our marriage lasted about 5 years (I was with her for 9 years total). Although I loved her very much, It just never really came back after we got married. So I would hate to be the one to dissuade you from marrying your boyfriend, since I was in the same predictament, but unless he really changes his mindset to make you happy, and unless you REALLY want to make it work, you might wind up losing a lot of years learning otherwise.And no one can guarantee that this new guy would treat you well. You are sitting on the top of a mountain and need to go one way or another, I would recommend that you don't cheat on your boyfriend. But make a decision before you do! Good luck

[Lucille]

Thank you very much ViperXprez, your reply was the most compassionate and helpful. These things are never as simple as they appear to others. When one is in a relationship it is almost impossible to be completely objective. I thought I knew how relationships were meant to be: you fell in mad passionate love at first sight, you knew he was the One and he naturally wanted to marry you. Well I met the guy who I thought was the One but the rest hasn't turned out the way I expected. I didn't count on that guy having his own problems and being commitment shy. But I don't want to throw away a relationship that has lots of good qualities because it's not perfect.

 

You're right, my boyfriend isn't putting in very much effort and I suspect the marriage talk is just a red herring as usual. In fact he was on business in another country as he said it. I'm just tired of trying to hold it together all on my own. I love him and we are good friends, but his doubts and lack of effort have taken the shine off the whole thing. I think I will have to find the strength to not see him until he makes more of an effort (if he ever does). I know I don't want to cheat because that would just cause more problems, but it's not a good sign if I'm thinking of someone else when I imagine having sex.

 

Thanks for all your advice.

 

One more thing, even though its not the only reason, I feel a little guilty that I'm losing my love for him because he won't commit - it feels selfish. But I'm at that age where I'm watching all my friends get engaged and married and pregnant, and I feel insulted that my boyfriend is denying me that happiness. (don't tell me I don't have to do everything everyone else does, I think it's normal in my 30's to feel left out) Does anyone else have this kind of experience?