jjinf Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 It has been about a month and a half since I ended it with her. We dated roughly 3 months, a short time but still meaningful. Before dating her, I had not dated anyone in several years. About a month and a half into our dating process, she revealed something to me about her past that was very emotional, and suffice to say bonded us emotionally together through her sharing that experience with me. (at least from my perspective) Suffice to say, due to this issue I recommended that she get some counsling, which she was open to but never did, there were a few more emotional breakdowns since as well. Anyways, her lack of or wanting to deal with the emotional issue, religion difference issues, growing up differences, and my general frustration with what I percieved to be a general state of unhappyness in her life led me to deciding on the breakup. While not forcing the issue or talking about it alot, I just became internally (in my head) consumed with trying to help her with her problems. This issue brought up ther major issues that should not have come up till later in the dating process but they came up early. Religion, values etc. We never really connected when disucssing it. I could not take it anymore and had to end it. It became to emotional too quick. Suffice to say, I really did like this woman and enjoyed being with her. I care for her alot. Roughly 2 weeks later she came over to drop off some stuff. After some small talk which was not awkward at all, lots of eye contact and deep stares, I told her that I still cared for her etc. Then we got into a 3 hour discussion trying to figure out what the problem was. It basically came down to my problem with how she deals with problems, religion diff and our difficulty in communicating on such issues. She basically told me that what I percieved as her being a down and sad person was not due to this issue, however more-so due to stresses in her life that were going on at the same time we were dating. Her stressfull job, her worrying about what I thought of her etc. Basically she put the responsibility all in my plate and made me feel like it was all my problem. I walked away from that completely confused, thinking that all the reasons I broke up with her were unfounded. I asked myself if I we just miscommunicated, or I over-reacted etc. Either way we left eachother with some hugs, tears etc and said we would give it a few days to think things over. I did not ever call her back and she never called me either. Things were just too frustrating. My internal gut just said that if things were really meant to be between us, it would not be this difficult this early in the relationship process. We saw eachother last week, I went over and talked to her saying I wanted to say hi, and talked for a few minutes, just small talk and left. Nothing odd or awkward about. Anyways, here it is a month later and I still feel attached to this woman. I still feel that there is something left hanging there un-resolved. My friends and family all tell me that I made the right decision and discourage me from getting back in touch with her for a myriad of reasons, particurally all the stress they saw that it caused in my life before the breakup, but for some reason I still want to. I care so much for this woman and want to be there for her. I have been out quite a bit since we ended it, I met a few other women but have yet to call them. I just am not motivated to, I still miss my EX and question if I screwed things up. I want to call her. However I also have this gut feeling that says I should not call her and lead her on. I should be absolutely sure that I could date her again before doing so. Something I cannot be sure of unless me and her find some common ground with these issues. So maybe its not even worth it at all? sorry for the long post, just had to vent Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 There will always be things left unresolved when relationships end, that is no reason to go back to them. I think it's also usual to feel something for the person once it's over - you can't turn feelings off like a tap. There has been so much angst between you - is there any reason why that would not happen again? You have not been able to resolve anything, no compromises have been made. Whether it is worth attempting a reconciliation depends on how strongly you feel about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I can certainly see why you have reservations as to calling or not calling. One can give her a new hope that you still do care and the relationship still has a chance (does it?)....and the other is the decent thing to do for someone you have shared such a sweet past with.....especially since it's the holidays. I tried to put myself in her position in my mind. I really think I would prefer the call. If for no other reason than being acknowledged as once being important enough in someone's life for them to have me on their heart and mind this time of the year. Don't forget to post after you decide what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 >One can give her a new hope that you still do care and the relationship still has >a chance (does it?).... It would only really have a chance, if she were to admit to some things and go get some counsling. Because of our different backgrounds, I see that as a solution, and with hers, bottleing things up inside and avoiding tought things appears to be her way of dealting with stuff. Also if we could come to some common-ground on other issues. The last time we talked after the breakup we had trouble communicating with eachtoher, were emotional and really go nowhere other than deciding that we both really obvisouly cared for eachother. Anyways, I also wonder if I am so hung up on her because she is the first girl I dated in quite a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 I guess at this point I just still care for her and anticipate wanting to call her closer to the holidays just to say hi and wish her a merry christmas. Not sure if that will hurt her though. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Think of her as a friend then. Not a lover. You can still care for a friend, but find a lover that is on the same page as yourself. She'll figure out what she needs to do regarding counseling when she blows enough relationships. Denial is a hard one. Nothing changes, nothing changes. Be grateful you are very intelligent and wise to get out early. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted December 18, 2003 Author Share Posted December 18, 2003 This past Sunday, as a friend I gave her a ring just to say hi. She did not answer so I left her a voicemail just saying that i that was calling to say hi. Anyways, she has not called me back. I am guessing that this means she probobly hates my guts and is not ever going to call back. Link to post Share on other sites
genie Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 I do not believe that people can not change, especially through therapy. But you really have to want that change. In my past relationship, I didn't handle my anger too well and lost him. I saw that it was a pattern with me, I really didn't like that about myself. I did go to therapy. He and I started dating again, off and on, and trust me, he has made me soooo angry. But I totally handled it different. I was hurt that he turned his back on me, and I did it by myself. I wish he could have went through my changing, holding my hand. To me that would have said alot about our relationship and it kind of let me know how he would probably handle things on down the road. Not with me. Alot of times, people can't handle things and in my case it is because of my childhood and my past experiences with relationships. Through therapy and reading, I feel well and good about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted December 21, 2003 Author Share Posted December 21, 2003 any opinions on this? she has not returned my call and its been a week Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 It's hard, but it is do-able! There are so many people out there that want to be loved. Why waste your life on someone that doesn't want your love. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Go to her. Opened armed...whatever. Go to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted December 23, 2003 Author Share Posted December 23, 2003 Well, I can't really go to her I guess. I really care about this woman at least as a friend. My call is out there to her. All I can do is see if she responds. Man this sucks, since I really wanted to remain open and friends with this woman. I hope I did not hurt her bad. Link to post Share on other sites
sstarski Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Dude, NEONICK speaks the truth. Move on, you have done the decent thing, expressed compansion and caring, shes not replied. Then take it she wasnt worth the effort, harsh but hey!! lifes a bitch. If she hasnt the decency to reply then thats just plain rude in my book..... Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 My guess is that you did hurt her and she is trying to be strong and not go back to you, despite probably still caring a lot for you. I don't think she hates you. When women are hurt in this way, we have a strange feeling of wanting to hate the guy, but not being able to. We want to hug you and hurt you back as much, all at the same time. I know, we are strange creatures.. Link to post Share on other sites
mandarincool Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 We can't read their minds, even sometimes when we're together in the same room, but certainly not when we're apart. Especially if it was only a short relationship and we were only in the midst of getting to know eachother. That having been said, we long for ongoing cosmic communication. And sometimes those who are more intuitive and open "psychically" do pick up on things. But the only way to know is to ask, and the only way to ask is to reestablish contact. And we really have to ask ourselves first: is it a good idea to make contact at this particular time? I was "dumped" after four months and never could read his mind. That was part of the problem. The break seemed to be difficult for him, and certainly was for me. I begged for a bit and then communicated that I understood and would be ok and hoped he'd be feeling better as he was quite depressed. Part of his giving up on us had to do with my impatience with his depression and emotional withdrawal so early on in the relationship. Anyway, through contemplation and reading, etc., I'm seeing that literally, space is what is needed. Not just to mend a longed for relationship, but for moving on. What I'm saying is that whether the outcome will be reconcilliation and a second chance, or moving on gracefully either as friends or not, giving space to ones self and to the other person is the correct action. Feeling angry and frustrated, not listened to, rejected, these are the feelings we are coping with. Abandonment, sadness, grief and anger. Humiliation. Well, the most important thing is reestablishing dignity and a feeling of wholeness- like I said before: in order to "get them back" or to move on with grace. I'm trying to take space to heal and to forgive and to get through my anger and hurt. And I'm contemplating what it means to me to "allow" the other person his space. Absurd really, because it's not for me to allow or not allow. Yet I operate as though I decide: you can have space, you can't have space. You "taking" space makes me feel.... It is not real. I am now thinking I will be able to have a happy relationship once I can understand and negotiate this whole thing more comfortably. If I'd not swarmed him with my self, my need, my anxiety, he'd have felt more space and stayed put. That would not necessariy have guaranteed the relationship would have been what I was looking for, as he has some issues, too, but it would have allowed us to continue getting to know eachother... I'm looking forward either to a continued conversation with him, even a reconcilliation, or a peaceful resolution within myself to being broken up. It will take time, as I am a very intense and emotional person, and I miss him right now. I'm going to give myself some time and space, too. And I know that no matter what, it will all shake out in the end Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjinf Posted January 2, 2004 Author Share Posted January 2, 2004 Well its been a few weeks now and she still has not returned my call. Man this kills me to think that the woman who I care alot about, even if just as a friend, and who want the best for; wants nothing to do with me and probobly does not feel the same. What really kills me is all the good thoughts, prayers and grief I have gone through the past 2 months, and now realize it just might all be pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
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