sex new - what's stopping me with to-be husband?

[rocketeer]

i've been seeing this guy for a year now; we're engaged and in a long-distance relationship. though we both seem to turn each other on through oral and other touching, the problem is that we haven't had vaginal sex yet.

 

i've never had vaginal sex, and he has been in previous relationships where he has. each time he tries to enter me, either i get very nervous and involuntarily push him away or him trying to enter hurts so much that he stops cause im in pain. since vaginal sex is new to me, i've made it a point to masturbate more often and insert items mimicking a penis to make the area less sensitive. we've also tried lube with no success -- i'm also having a hard time getting wet.

 

any advice is appreciated. thanks in advance.

[Stung]

It could just be psychological, or you might have a really low pain threshold, but your first step should be a trip to your gynecologist to make sure there's no physical issue. You could have something like an unusually thick hymen, or vaginismus, which tightens the muscles there and makes sex painful...there's certainly no way for anybody on a forum to tell you.

 

If you don't have health care or a regular OB/Gyn, try to get an appt. at a free clinic or at Planned Parenthood. They also do Pap smears, are you up to date on those? It's not a bad idea to get everything checked out every time you're getting involved with a new sex partner, anyway...and this way you can make sure you're on some good effective birth control right from the start, as well.

 

BTW, in real life, it's not that uncommon for women to need a little help with lube, they just never show that in the movies. Every woman is different and some women just never lubricate freely enough no matter how excited they are. I have a friend who is like this and it used to drive her crazy because her male sex partners, if they weren't well educated sexually, often took it personally and then made her and themselves feel bad about it...as she got older she realized it was more their problem than hers. So it could be that you're not lubing enough because you're nervous but it could just be physiological and normal for you.

 

Make that dr. appt. Good luck.

[rocketeer]

thanks stung. my ob/gyn says everything is fine. i appreciate the reality check on the lube. my fiance and i tried lube but it left me itchy for days. any suggestions on brand?

[JustLooking123]

Haven't you posted the same question in other forums, and gotten some good advice? I seem to recall that your fiance gets "extremely pissed" that you are unable to have sex. I suspect that THAT is the real underlying issue here...

[plrs199]

Look for Yes lube online. It's really good and doesn't leave stickiness and doesn't even smell. I like it a lot.

[Boundary Problem]

Something about this thread bothers me and I can't put my finger on it. It has been posted elsewhere on LS and good advice was given.

 

But in any event, here is my advice - if you actually want to solve the problem (as opposed to maintaining status quo)

 

1. If the anticipated pain of losing virginity terrifies you - consider talking to your family doctor and having an office procedure to have you "snipped" so to speak under a local anaesthetic. That way you can jump straight to the fun part.

 

2. If you don't like #1, consider going to a specialized sex therapist to make you open/comfortable talking about sex and becoming comfortable with your body. There could be some internal issues/hang ups that you don't realize you have.

 

You know - I just re-read your post, and I put my finger on the problem. You have only been dating him a year. You are in a long-distance relationship. And apparently you are engaged.

 

You aren't connected enough with him for you to want to lose your virginity. I think the problem is that he isn't living close to you (in the same town), and this is a psychological barrier. The engagement isn't enough protection. I don't think you want to lose your virginity - to be honest. You don't trust the situation is secure enough. That is my guess.

 

If this is a re-posting of the thread - the poster mentioned using a toothbrush to try to ease the transition. A toothbrush is an object, so you are "seen" to be working on the problem. You chose a tool that is so narrow and smooth - that it won't put your virginity at risk.