Had a wild night, BF doesn't know, feeling very guilty! What should I do?

[TheSagittariusGirl]

I am in a pretty serious relationship with a great guy. We have been dating for about 2 years on and off, but the past few months, we have been pretty exclusive.

My best friend got married last weekend (Saturday). The Friday night before her wedding, we threw her a bachelorette party. We took her to a strip club and we were drinking pretty heavily and we were having a GREAT time! After the strip club, we went to a regular dance club. We told the bouncer it was her Bachelorette party and they got all of us on stage and were dancing with us (the bouncers) and kind of flirting. Then when the club was about to close, the bouncers asked us to stay until everyone left and they would give us free passes to come back. So we did. After everyone was gone, the bouncers started really getting fast with us and me and my best friend (the bride) ended up making out with a couple of the bouncers. By that time, most of the other girls had left, and the bouncer I was hanging with took me in a back room and we had sex. I am not sure if my friend (the bride) had sex with the other bouncer or not...she never said yes or no.

Anyway, to the point, I am really having guilty feelings about our wild night. I don't want my BF to find out about it. I know he would end it. And my best friend went ahead and married her fiancee and I know he doesn't know about it!! I hate having a guilty concious. SHould I tell my BF?

[Goatsbreath]

Errr.....its just wrong. Why do they make girls like you.

[VivianLee]

You don't need to tell your boyfriend just for the fact that it will get back to your friend's new hubby and cause a world of problems for them. I hope you were "safe" when you had sex with the bouncer, if not, you need to protect your boyfriend until you are sure you aren't diseased.

 

You made an awful mistake (one that I hope you don't make often, also, in the future, you may want to stay away from drinking heavily) but you have to think of your friend, all her new marriage needs now is for her hubby to find out what all went on!! Since there was no act of adultery on her part (she wasn't married yet), just let it go!! Don't sacrifice your friends marriage to alleviate your guilty conscience!

 

Try to move on, people make mistakes, bad ones (I know I have!!) just don't do it again and make it up to yourself and your bf by having a good and happy relationship. Also, don't harp about it with "the bride" let her move on and have a good marriage!!

[jenny]

i agree. please do watch the drinking - these are some serious signs.

 

i dislike most relationship experts who do the oprah tour, but one of them said something with me that stayed: confessing is often selfish. if you know this was an isolated incident, and you will NOT do it again, then just consider handling the shame and guilt on your own. sometimes people do confess because they are unable to deal with themselves and want someone to share the burden.

 

equally, sometimes people do NOT confess because they cannot face consequences. i guess you have to decide what kind of situation this is. if you will never do this again, simply consider this:

 

are the rewards of confessing worth the pain you will cause to him?

 

you're human. stuff happens. you don't have to beat yourself up forever if you just face what happened and change your behaviour accordingly. you also don't have to sabotage this relationship if you make a sincere promise to yourself that you will not do anything else that would hurt him intentionally.

[lost_in_chgo]

If you didn't have the self restraint to keep from doing this once, what makes you think you wouldn't do it again?

Tell the boyfriend, he has the right to know. And if he finds out on his own, it will be 10 times worse.

 

In the end this is not a risk vs. reward decision, it's a matter of principal. You can pretend you are doing what's right by analyzing it and the benefits of not telling vs. telling, but that's not what's right. You know that or you wouldn't be here asking the question.

[Rob]

Tell your boyfriend what happened and thank your lucky stars if he doesn't dump you right on the spot.

[VivianLee]

Most of you have said for her to tell her bf.....which I would advise under most circumstances but I worry about the "wild night" getting back to the newly married groom. Don't y'all think for the bride's sake that maybe nothing should be said, just this time?? If it hasn't happened before, protection was used and it never happens again, y'all don't think it would be best not to say anything under these special circumstances (newly wed bride getting in trouble!)??

[lostforwords]

you're human. stuff happens. you don't have to beat yourself up forever if you just face what happened and change your behaviour accordingly. you also don't have to sabotage this relationship if you make a sincere promise to yourself that you will not do anything else that would hurt him intentionally

 

Exactly...... the thing is when you tell him..... you had better be prepared to help him through it..... you maybe selfish either way you look at it.... whether you tell him or not...... and i totally agree with jenny and vivian.... if you think you know yourself well enough (and be honest with yourself.... only you know what your capable of) then dont ever put yourself into that situation again..... unless your willing next time to fess up to all the times you have and just set your boyfriend free.... trust me.... if that was the case not only would you be doing HIM a favor but as well as yourself.... i just hope for your sake none of the bridal shower or other girls that were with you actually spill the beans.... good luck!!

[BROKENHEARTEDONE]

Don't tell him under any circumstances. It will get back to the groom, no doubt!

 

You made a mistake like so many of us do (let he who is without sin...you get my drift).

 

You have to live with yourself and what you've done. Don't make your boyfriend suffer, and possibly risk a very rocky beginning for your friend's marriage if her husband finds out, and I am SURE he will!

 

Are your boyfriend and the new groom friends? Who will your boyfriend turn to for support/comfort once you tell him what happened? Hmmmm, let me see - could it be the GROOM? Then it will be your friend's turn on the hot seat....

 

Say a prayer, ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself and then....move on! Focus your energy on something positive. It happened, it's done.

 

Good luck. People make mistakes. Forgive yourself, learn from the experience and move on. Maybe you are not ready for a monogamous, commited relationship. It could be that this fling was just part of the larger issue - maybe you are just not ready to "settle down."

 

 

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Why live in fear the rest of your life???????

Will he find out????

Is someone going to tell him??

Why make your self sick over it???

Eventually he'll find out.It would be best if he found out from you .

[Vivid_29]

Take it easy on the poor girl. Like you all have never made a mistake, ever, right????!!!!

 

If you love him and don't want to lose him, take it to the grave!

[Arabess]

I AGREE WITH VIV......not only agree.....but it's a personal policy of mine.

 

I find it more loyal NOT to kiss and tell than to flame the other person involved. It's like an unspoken agreement between two consenting adults. WHY oh WHY involve your cohorts....much less the innocent?????????

[Natural9]

Tell him immediately, Why drag him down with you living a lie?

 

Good luck to the "great guy" who's girlfriend of 2 years cheated on him with a bouncer

 

Better luck to the guy who got married, hopefully he got a prenup.

[yogi-mon]

You have no right to keep that a secret.

He has a right to know, and SO DOES THE FINANCE.

This man has just married this woman. I dont care WHAT "the circumstances are"

if she is willing to fool around with other people once, she will do it again

and he has a right to know WHO HE IS MARRYING.

 

Anyhow, if you do or dont. Doesnt matter. Sooner - or later - Karma will

come back around.

 

Probably, you'll be IN LOVE with some man, and he will **** YOU OVER.

And you will get no sympathy from anyone and you will have to deal with it.

 

You will be able to sit back and say to yourself

Yes, I deserved it.

[yogi-mon]

point out that all the women here say "keep it a secret" all the men say,

he has a right to know.

 

shows you how women think.

 

anyways, i will make it a point to tell you that the karma will work

the same way against you.

 

hopefully you get cheated on big time with some young hottie when you're

like 40, ugly, and have nothing left in your life.

 

That would be about the correct amount of Karma.

[Skittles]

Originally posted by TheSagittariusGirl

I am in a pretty serious relationship with a great guy. We have been dating for about 2 years on and off, but the past few months, we have been pretty exclusive. ....

 

Then when the club was about to close, the bouncers asked us to stay until everyone left and they would give us free passes to come back. So we did. After everyone was gone, the bouncers started really getting fast with us and me and my best friend (the bride) ended up making out with a couple of the bouncers. By that time, most of the other girls had left, and the bouncer I was hanging with took me in a back room and we had sex. it!! I hate having a guilty concious. SHould I tell my BF?

 

 

 

Sagg girl where is this club at ???

 

 

Ooh boy....This is a toughie for me.. The common sense part of me says , don't kiss (or sc*w) and tell and the "what the hell are you doin' in a serious relationship" part says, tell him ( about you only) and step off because you are susceptible to the strange too much....

 

I am useless here because If I wanted strange that bad, and you know when you do, (no- no- no.... can't blame the alcohol), I would look around to make sure I didn't have a boyfriend somewhere.

 

...I don't mean to sound judgemental and I am not glossing over your anguish...

 

and it sounds like some folks on this thread are being a tad harsh...don't beat yourself, it happened...I think the two years on and off dating thing you guys have been doing, might be better in the "off" position for now.

 

 

 

Good luck with this.

[kismet]

I am an absolute take it to the grave-r. Confession's result is pain.

 

In all of my relationships, I have never been aware of being cheated on. Notice I didn't say I haven't been cheated on, I just haven't been aware of it, and I thank God for it. The pain of it would just be too great to bear and I would hope they'd keep it to themselves, and (ideally) suffer so much guilt that they never do it again. So I have to support learning from your mistake but not opening your mouth about it.

 

The question is, would you want to know if the tables were turned? If so, perhaps you should consider it.

[UCFKevin]

For everyone saying, "Don't tell him," how would YOU feel if your significant other did something like this and didn't tell you? ANd you ended up finding out somehow?

 

I'd want to know. Personally, I'd probably dump you if I was your boyfriend, to be honest.

 

If you cheat, you cheat, whether you're drunk or not, it ain't like you were forced. Your inhibitions were gone and you were doing something you truly wanted to do.

 

Tell him. If it ends, deal with it. It's your fault.

[yogi-mon]

I agree with Kevin 100%

he has a right to know.

 

Then it is upto him what to do. If you dont tell him well - your making

an open assertion that you dont mind if someone does it to you.

Like I said, if you dont tell him, hopefully it will come back to

you when your in a situation where you really cant handle the

idea of being cheated on.

 

Like when your 40 - 45 .. Its so sad... my friends mother cheated

on her husband when they were younger..

didnt tell him. Ironically later in life, when the wife is needy and

dependant on the hubby, well - hes been banging a nice lookin

25 yr old.

 

Men age like wine. Remember that hunnies some things come home

to roost

Karma

[toots307]

Of course you should tell him. I really get sick of people thinking they can just go around banging whoever they want and then come home to their partner and pretend all is well. If you are in a relationship you owe it to that person to behave in a manner in which you have agreed upon. If you are swingers and don't mind screwing other people great!! - but if you've agreed to be monogamous then you are being unfair by keeping your indiscretion a secret. Your bf deserves to know the truth and then make a decision as to whether or not he wants to be with someone that has no problem doing it with a stranger while you are supposed to be out having a good time with friends and he's trusting you to keep your pants on.

 

And as for not telling him and hoping he feels guilty about it - I can tell you from experience that that doesn't work - a guilty conscience is a horrible thing to be subjected to. If she doesn't tell and yet continues to feel guilty she will change the way she acts with her bf - my ex became very defensive and angry and accusatory when all the while he was banging other chicks and trying to keep it from me.

 

Tell the guy. Be a MATURE adult. And, take a good, long look at yourself - maybe you aren't ready for a grown-up relationship.

[toots307]

I'm really bothered by this whole thing. That groom MARRIED that woman not knowing what she is truly like. That's awful. I pray that I won't marry someone that is deceiving me. The 2 guys I guarantee you will find out somehow - the truth has a way of coming out.

 

Oh and I'm female too - not ONLY men think she should tell.

[JonInTx]

I can't believe we're even having this discussion. Of course you should tell him.

 

Every time you touch him you are lying to him. You are saying, "I am yours and there is nothing that should keep you from touching me." You were intimate with someone else, and he deserves to make a conscious choice as to whether he wants to be with someone who nailed a bouncer at a club at the drop of a hat.

 

Maybe you contracted a disease, and haven't discovered it yet? How many other women do you think that bouncer had sex with? I bet it wasn't just you. Don't you think your boyfriend has the right to know about that?

 

And by the way, I would dump you, and you should anticipate that he will too. If he does, take that as a hard lesson learned about trust, love, and loyalty, and don't do this to the next guy.

[seawagal]

I agree with Jon.. You should come clean. Its never fun to live a lie.

[TMCM]

Almost all of us deserve the opportunity to be forgiven when we make a terrible mistake and we come clean and show deep remorse for it. IF the ones that we have wronged are not willing to forgive us, then maybe we are better off without them. BUT if they do truly forgive us, then we can consider ourselves tremendously blessed.

 

One interesting observation is that many, not all, of the people unable to forgive others is that they themselves are often guilty of the same sins that they are unwilling to forgive others for.