Married man having lunch with a single woman

[kis]

Would like to get some opinions on this. I know a married couple who has a single female freind who goes out to eat and shop with them. I recently seen the man out to lunch with the female without the wife. I did not think it was appropiate and it really made me wonder. So am I right or wrong?

[CarrieT]

I think it depends entirely on the situation.

 

I was having lunch with a married man once every other month or so. Just last Friday night, I had dinner with him and his wife. We both talked about the lunches we had shared together and it was no big deal. I am friends with him and this was the opportunity to get to know his wife. She knows we will probably have lunch again in the near future, but as there is nothing to it other than lunch, it is completely open and honest amongst all of us.

 

Not EVERY male/female relationship involves sexual tension and sexual situations.

[Lucky_One]

Is this the MM that you tried to start a PA with?

[OpenBook]

kis, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. You never know, they may be planning a surprise party for the W. And if they were having an A, I don't think they would be going out to lunch together in public / broad daylight where people can see them and report back to the W.

[Fallen Angel]

I don't think it is always inappropriate for a Married Man to be having a lunch date with a female friend. I have many male friends, both married and single, with which I have a strictly platonic relationship, and having lunch with one of them does not make it more than what it is. (Though my MM gets jealous and is convinced that all of them just want to get into my panties. Perhaps it is because he worries that I will find someone else that he says these things. *shrugs*)

[JamesM]

Not necessarily a problem at all.

 

So many possibilities as to why....

 

Wife is home sick.

They are planning something for the wife.

They are simply out as friends.

Etc.

 

I have been out alone with a MW for lunch and I am a MM.

 

It all comes down to the motives. And honestly, unless if it were my wife or my husband...or I had very good reason to believe it was more than lunch, then I would raise an eyebrow and then forget about it.

[angie2443]

I think it's interesting to note that on so many of these threads, the ones who think it's not inappropriate for MM to have lunch with MW/SW are the people who are in an affair, have been in an affair, or are thinking about bieng in an affair. The ones who think it's inappropriate are often those who've been cheated on.

 

I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I used to think it was no big deal. My experience and observations have changed my thinking on this a bit. I don't think many MM (or men in general) are going to bother to have lunch with a woman they don't feel a little attraction to at least. Maybe if it was a business lunch that they had to have with the woman. I'm sure they're are exceptions. Who knows? Maybe this situation is innocent.

[Lizzie60]

Would like to get some opinions on this. I know a married couple who has a single female freind who goes out to eat and shop with them. I recently seen the man out to lunch with the female without the wife. I did not think it was appropiate and it really made me wonder. So am I right or wrong?

 

Key word... it's a single female friend to the couple..

so I don't get why you're wondering..

[JackJack]

IMO, if its an all the time thing or something to me that's different, than if it's a one time thing.

 

Our youth pastor who is around 30 years of age, had lunch out with the choir director lady who was in her 50's, and it was just them two. Discussing church stuff I'm sure. I do think it can be done without it being more to it than what it is. Done alot, that might be different.

[Spark1111]

If it is a friend to one of them, then eventually it should become a friend to both of them, IMHO.

 

It's when the friendship becomes secret to the SO, that red flags should be going off all over the place.

 

And, right or wrong, a man and a woman, at lunch, dinner or drinks, too often, who are not known to be in a committed relationship with each other, WILL become a source of speculation and gossip whether fairly or unfairly.

 

That's just human nature.

[PandorasBox]

Would like to get some opinions on this. I know a married couple who has a single female freind who goes out to eat and shop with them. I recently seen the man out to lunch with the female without the wife. I did not think it was appropiate and it really made me wonder. So am I right or wrong?

 

 

Maybe the wife knew about her husband and this single friend having lunch, and maybe she is ok with it.

[JumpinJimmy]

K, I as well do not think it is appropriate for a MM and single a woman who is not a close family member to be sharing meals together. Sharing of meals alone with someone that you're not committed to is a courtship ritual in most cases. Most likely one, or both, have desires and thoughts of more than "just friends". I wouldn't tolerate it in my relationship, and I know my wife wouldn't either.

[redtail]

Billy Crystal's famous line from "When Harry met Sally";

 

"Men and women can't be friends, the sex part always gets in the way."

 

Of course, your mileage may vary...

[Holding-On]

Maybe the wife knew about her husband and this single friend having lunch, and maybe she is ok with it.

 

Exactly.

It may be platonic

It may be business

It may be a surprise party

It may be a sexual relationship with the permission of the wife.

or, yes,

It may be a sexual relationship without the permission of the wife

 

This is not Saudi Arabia. Thankfully we are able to sit down in public to eat with friends of our choosing and not limited by gender or religion unless we choose to. And even in Saudi Arabia I'm sure the busybodies of the world will whisper about who had lunch with whom.

 

However, I completely fail to see how this is any of your business? Or even that interesting.

[angie2443]

This is not Saudi Arabia. .

 

How the heck did Saudi Arabia enter the picture?? It just feels extreme to bring this in.

[JaneInVegas]

At my last job I worked with a married couple, Tom and Christine. Tom was a very outgoing social person, and he had a lot of female friends/co-workers. Because Tom and Christine didn't always have the same lunch time, Tom often went to lunch with lots of other female co-workers, sometimes as a group, but most of the time just the 2 of them because of scheduling restrictions. This never bothered Christine in the least, and I always admired her for that. I've known lots of women who would FREAK over their man evening THINKING about lunch with another female.

 

Whether or not it's an inappropriate relationship is too hard to determine without more information about their situation. Personally, I don't see too much into this.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't see a problem with it considering she is a friend of the couple. They might be having an A, or they might not. But no need to jump to conclusions.

 

I know a couple where the W is bi and they have a live-in girlfriend that they both "share" a relationship with.

 

Maybe this is what is going on. Can't really tell just by watching them have lunch.

[kis]

Is this the MM that you tried to start a PA with?

 

Yes. you are a good guesser. It is the same MM. And we often have lunch together. So you can see why it made me wonder.

 

I have to say he led me on and still makes it very clear that he is attracted to me.

 

So please tell me what you think now.

[Holding-On]

How the heck did Saudi Arabia enter the picture?? It just feels extreme to bring this in.

 

It is extreme. Hyperbole, more exactly.

It also seemed extreme to paint a married man having a luncheon with whomever he pleased as improper- like some Southern gossip maven from Gone with the Wind. It seemed those times were past. I pointed out a community where women would be very careful to avoid all hint of impropriety and never eat with men. I mean if you keep taking it to the next level when does it end? Next married men should never work with women, or play tennis with them, or swim together and then so on and so on.

 

I don't know that all or even most BS would agree with you or most WS/OP would not. Many people would like to think that people have the freedom to lunch with whom they please even if, the MM is "up to something".

 

However, the additional fact that this is the OP's (x?) MM makes her interest make sense to me.

[JamesM]

 

So please tell me what you think now.

 

It doesn't matter, and now that I know you have/had a connection to him, then I say...let it go.

 

Unless...it bothers you that he hasn't started a PA with you. Or unless it bothers you that he may be having a PA with her and not you.

 

Then I say, be thankful it is not you and run from him. Find someone who is better for you.

[boundaryproblem]

Well, this is an interesting question.

 

It is so easy to hide a date within the context of a business lunch, isn't it?

 

I don't think it is for others to assess if it is a date or a business lunch. But I can tell you that the two people sitting at the table know which side of the equation it falls on.

 

If it feels more like a date, then only go for lunch a couple times a year - at most. It is a bit naughty, but going too frequently would be like pouring gasoline on an open fire. Male/female attraction in business is natural.

 

If you have self-control - enjoy it for what it is, and reset your calendar for six months in the future. Just because you are attracted to someone and having lunch with them, it is a HUGE leap to say there is any chance you will end up sleeping together. It all comes down to having confidence in your self-control.

[ADF]

Would like to get some opinions on this. I know a married couple who has a single female friend who goes out to eat and shop with them. I recently seen the man out to lunch with the female without the wife. I did not think it was appropriate and it really made me wonder. So am I right or wrong?

 

Let me put it this way. I have a female friend who is engaged--getting married in June--and I would never consider asking her to go out with me alone. Never mind if my intentions were purely platonic. Asking her out would SEEM inappropriate, and put her in an awkward position.

[seoa]

I've been single female for a large part of my adult life, and it's no fun having no decent male company coz they either get a thing for you, or (mistakenly) think you have a thing for them. For a while I completely gave up, coz friendships with guys seemed to have a max 12 month shelf life, so it seemed a waste of investment...

 

Then I discovered the key - it works if the man is *happily* married...!

 

If the wife feels well-loved (I'm talking about "affection" guys, not just sex!) by her man, then she doesn't see you as competition.

 

If the guy is head over heels for his woman, he doesn't cross his mind that cheating on her might be an option.

 

Of course, I make a point of making friends with the wife too, once the friendship gets to a certain level, but the primary friendship remains with the guy...

 

Edit: to qualify - when I say 'happily married' I'm also including other LTRs, in case that needed mentioning....

 

and... I'm assuming a certain moral character in the guy, an assumption that loving your wife excludes cheating, coz that's a criteria I like in my good friends... And the happy+morals does seem to give those guys a 'blindness' to there being anything more to the friendship than friendship...

Edited November 7, 2009 by seoa