Communicating with my parents

[Everywoman]

So, sometimes when I need to tell my parents something I know they're not going to accept, I put it off as long as I can. I'm in that situation now and still don't know how to bring it up.

 

Let me start at the beginning. I'm 25 years old and still live with my parents (in California). My parents are the type of people who think I should live at home until I'm married and that pre-marital sex is the worst thing anyone can ever do. I haven't told them I'm not a virgin and I'm sure they know I'm not, but they act like I am. In September, I went to Australia and met a really fantastic guy who I met through a friend. Ever since then, we talk on the phone for hours and hours. I'm in between jobs now and decided to take two weeks off before I start my new job and me and this guy decided it would be a nice time for me to go back over there and get to know him a little bit better. All expenses paid and I would be staying with him and his sister. Now, my mother already has issues with the fact that I talk to him so much and that he's on the other side of the world. I leave for Aus on Thursday and am going to be there for one week, but I don't know how to bring it up and don't know how I am going to deal with the guilt trips of not spending time with the family on my time off and how I'm being immoral and not respecting myself if I do go on this trip.

 

I really need some good concrete advice because I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but my parents will see it that way. How should I approach this?

[lostlove1]

I think you first need to recognize that you are a 25 year old woman! I appreciate that you respect your parents but they in turn also need to have respect for you and that you are capable of making the correct decissions.

 

My daughter is 18 years old and we discuss things are are open, I'm sorry that you don't have that open communication with your parents. So with that said, you need to respectfully step up and just tell them you are going on your trip. As a mother of 3, I feel my job is to raise my children to the best of my ability and as adults they will be capable of making the best moral decisions. I don't expect them to spend all of their spare time with me, and you should not feel guilty for wanting to have your own adult life.

 

You may want to also consider getting your own apartment so that way you can feel more independent. Did you go to school? Have a career?

[Everywoman]

Hi Lostlove,

Thanks for responding to my post. It means more too because you are a mother. It also makes me upset that I can’t have an open and honest relationship with my parents. I think it’s strange that I’m honest about most things, but then when it comes to sexuality there is a huge barrier between me and my parents. I wish that I can talk to my mom woman to woman.

At this point, I did tell my parents that I am going to Australia and ever since I told them yesterday, they have been trying to convince me not to go. I have made up my mind and I am set on going and I don’t want them to be angry with my because of this decision. I feel like it’s just a trip and I’m not doing anything wrong. I guess sometimes I just allow them to treat me like a child and in turn I end up acting like one. Most times, when my parents do not approve of a plan that I have made I just give in and say fine I won’t do it or I won’t go just because I know it will avoid conflict.

The reaction my mom had when I told her I was going was, who gave you permission and at this point in my life, I don’t feel like I need permission to do the things I want.

I have considered getting an apartment, but I saw the conflict and separation it cause between my older sister and my parents and I don’t want that to happen. I did go to school, I got a BA in both English Lit and Politics and completed a year of law school but decided it wasn’t for me. I was working as a union organizer, but have accepted a job as a paralegal and have started my applications for grad school since I want to get my Masters in Social Work.