donna2754 Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Hi Everyone, I am so glad I found this forum. I have been seeing or I should be honest and say I have been having sex with my boss at work for 3 years now. When he first started there, he sought me out for advice on his relationship with his girlfriend. Finally, he hits on me and I accept knowing or thinking I know that he is going to leave this woman. Well, 3 years have gone by. One abortion and one miscarriage later (oh, and when I was pregnant the 2nd time....he tells me he wants nothing to do with me). I know....go ahead and say I was one sick little puppy to stay after that. But regardless, I did. 4 weeks ago I find out he is seeing someone else at work. She is married and he is sleeping with me and still living with the girlfriend. The worst part of this is that I still love him but that I know I can't ever go back to the way things were. Also, it's REALLY difficult to see him each day. Any thoughts on how I can deal with this (besides keeping the rage alive....which by the way has sustained me these past couple of weeks) would be helpful. Thanks Donna Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Dear Heartbroken Donna.......... The economy is supposed to be improving in 2004......Get another job girl! This guy is a First Class Sh*t Stain.!!!! Whats up with him...Is he really hot..., has a map to the G-spot? He signs your checks and uses you up, puts you through physical and emotional PAIN .... uses other women....I don't like him, and I don't even know him. Please help yourself. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 You need to take 50 percent of the responsibility for this situation and 100 percent responsiblity for getting out. Find another job as soon as possible and don't put yourself through this sort of thing again. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Hi Donna, I think you know what you have to do -- and if not, Tony and Skittles have laid it out pretty plainly. But it sounds like you're wondering why you've stayed, why you love this guy... and probably wondering on some level if there isn't a way you could pull a happy ending out of this. I'm sure women start affairs with men who are committed to others for a variety of reasons. As you say, you started thinking that he was going to break up with his girlfriend. With hindsight you can probably see that you should have waited until he really had broken up with her... but no need to beat yourself up over that now. Then once it became clear that he wasn't breaking up with her right away, you perhaps got into the mindset that if he had the chance to see how happy he was with you, then he'd leave her. Which would be good for him overall (because you knew it was a rotten relationship), and good for you. You basically fell into competition with this other woman. Maybe not one that you were consciously aware of, but I'd be willing to bet it was there on some level. "Sooner or later he'll see the light," you were thinking, perhaps? Then unexpected pregnancies and three years of your life -- sacrificing the chance to meet other men, etc. You've suffered quite a bit for the relationship, surely it has to be worth it. Surely it has to be love, you wouldn't have suffered the way you did for nothing. Not just for sex. And you didn't suffer just for sex. You suffered for love -- but it was one-sided. You suffered for hope, maybe a bit for your ego (thinking that he'd choose you over his girlfriend). I say you didn't just suffer for sex, but that's when you look at it from your perpsective. When you look at it from an outsider's perspective, or according to its long-term prospects, you've got nothing -- and you never had anything -- with this guy. Believe me, I'm not trying to put you down when I suggest that your ego might have been caught up in this, especially in the initial stages. It's an easy trap to fall into, and he set you up for it by complaining about his girlfriend. If she was all that, why would he complain about her to you? If she was all that, why would he cheat on her with you? Surely it must be because she's not all that. But you are, and so you expected, rather reasonably, that he would soon see that and choose you over her. The important thing to bear in mind is that his mind simply does not work the way yours does. You wouldn't cheat if you had a good thing (or thought you did). And yet there he is, still with his girlfriend. You wouldn't jerk someone around when you know that they're a good person, and you know that they care about you and have been good to you. And yet that's exactly what he has done to you. You have no idea where he's coming from or what his agenda is. You might think you do, but obviously -- three years later -- you don't. You've been waiting for the aha! moment when all will be explained and put right... but that's probably never going to happen. Your aha! moment should go something like this: no matter what his explanations might be, no matter what his true feelings might be, this guy is not worthy of you. You need to pursue happiness in other directions. He's not going to help you at all. Start looking for a new job. Please. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 In my experience with these sorts of things, very often a woman (or man) seeks a relationship like this because of an addiction to chaos and the safety it affords in not being exposed to a healthy committed relationship. If a man is married, has other girlfriends, etc. and a woman remains with him anyway, it clearly indicates she is seeing this as a safe situation where her fear of true, one-on-one intimacy will not be challenged. These dynamics usally occur subconsciously and have roots that go way back in time. A good counsellor, a really good one, can help get to the root of this so you can find true happiness and not totally avoid it by getting involved with men who are already encumbered and unattainable. It's not like this guy was deceiving you or anything. You were decieving yourself and there's a good reason you did that. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 As always, Tony has given excellent advice. The only way you'll ever get out of this is to get yourself out. If you truly want to heal and if you truly want a better life for yourself, you'll quit this job ASAP. It doesn't matter about benefits, hours, pay, or whatever excuse you can come up with. If you want out of this, you can get out. I would also suggest you get to a doctor right away and get tested for STDs. Good luck to you......... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I would think a guy with a 'girlfriend' has no reason to stay in the relationship with her in the first place....if he wasn't happy there. THEN, to add insult to injury....you get pregnant TWICE and he still didn't leave? I have a lot of heart for the position 'other women' find themselves in....you can read my other replies regarding this issue. However, in your situation Donna, I have NO IDEA why you have stayed in this relationship for ANY amount of time. I understand the 'work place' can be a breeding ground for lust and flirting.....if only out of boredom. Then it becomes a habit....then you can end up in bed together. Crap happens. But for you to even consider loving a man who appears to be the world's biggest A$$CLOWN......I TOO would let my rage over ride any feeling of warmth I may have left for him. I can only hope he bothered to pay your medical bills! If NOT, take his sorry butt to court! Meanwhile....GET ANOTHER JOB.....maybe even move to another town. Just get away from him!!! I'm sure you will initially miss him.....but it would remind me of missing last year's flu! I'm mad at him and don't even know him!! HAHA! Please keep posting so you know there are other people out there in cyberland who do want the best recovery for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author donna2754 Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 Hi Everyone, Thanks for all your support. All that has been said isn't new to me. I have been in a self evaluation mood since this happened. I take equal responsibility for my participation and what needs I had to have met by this situation. With that said, I have been looking for a new job but the market isn't very good. I take care of my elderly mother, who has been ill, as well as a younger brother who is disabled (so I need the benefits). If it were only me, I would pack up and go. I did ask him to lay me off (that way I would have some income and the benefits). He said no. I want to say that I didn't feel beaten up by what was said in this forum. I know my shortcomings as well as my strengths. It appears to me that I focused on my shortcomings with him and now I am ready to focus on my strengths in the coming months. Thank you all for your insight! Donna Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Donna, I'd like to tell you that I really admire you're taking care of your family in such a way. Having someone disabled in my family and watching my parent's take care of their elderly parent's has really made me admire caretakers!! This very gift may be why you've been dealing with this relationship for 3 years. You are the type of person that gives freely of yourself, some people will take advantage of that. As you know, you have to have patience and forget alot about yourself when taking care of others, this wonderful trait may be the reason you have given this man tons and tons of patience, your time, love and tolerance. I also imagine it's hard to get out and meet people when you need to be home for those you take care of. Try to know that you are special, that you deserve better than this, you deserve THE BEST that life has to offer. Keep searching for a job (with similar benefits) and try to get out and meet other people. Singles classes at a church is a good way. Also, if and when you end things, don't let this guy intimidate you with the fact he's your boss!! He can be accountable by law if he harrasses you or uses his position to keep you in the relationship or harrass you for ending it. If things were to come to this, the law is on your side, most lawyers will give advice for a small amount of money and won't charge you (if it were to go to court) till you collect your money. Take care and try to do what will be good for YOU!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author donna2754 Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 Vivian, Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes I am a caretaker but I am also old enough to know better. It's funny, I have not been able to shed any tears but your reply to my situation had me sobbing! Again....many thanks for your kindness.... Donna Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Aww Donna, we ALL are old enough to know better!! That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes and sometimes the same ones over and over again.....I guess you just need to break the cycle you have with this man and find someone that's worthy of your unconditional love....there someone out there that needs you and would appreciate what you have to offer. You have a good situation in getting out of this, no children between you or spouses to appease...the only thing is that he's your boss but that still isn't enough reason to continue being used by him!! Do yourself the best thing you've ever done, start over, it's so great that you have that option with hardly any strings attached to you and this man!! Continued good luck on finding another job, maybe just maybe there's one out there that will give you the benefits you need and a whole lot more!! Take care and update us if you feel like it! Link to post Share on other sites
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