Wife's emotional affair

[seibert253]

Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.

 

Amen Tami.

You hit it right on the head.

Choose, him or me.

Come home and work on this, or we're done.

 

It's not rocket science. She wants you to stand up for yourself and be a strong confident man.

[65tr6]

I know everyone who goes through this must think "My situation's different, my wife isn't like everyone else" and I'm the same I guess.

 

No kidding. I said the same thing or close to that effect when I came here cyring for help one year ago. The story is the same....

 

You met your wife, you fell in love, you got married

Welcome to married life ! Post marriage, your wife dreams are shattered by what she saw in her marriage. Her low self esteem (or whatever might be the case) did not help. She needed attention. She needed to feel special. She had her needs that were being unmet. Enter the OM. Does not matter if he is engaged, married (not in your case anyway) to someone. He made your wife feel special, sexy, understood. He was and is caring. Your wife has now found her "soulmate" "real love".

 

I know you are hurting like hell. You want your wife back at any cost. You will do anything to fix your marriage. So why in the world is that a problem for your wife ???? Is it because you want her and she does not want you ? You are not pursuing her but you are stalking her...does not matter she is your wife. She wants to get away from you...hence "i need space" crap.

 

It is not easy. First, get hold of yourself. You can cry, vent, post, but at the same time, please have a PLAN. First do everything you can to end the affair. Tell your wife that you want her to end the affair now!. Have her tell your everything about the affair. Change your behavior. Read, vent, post, read....You get the point.

[timbo1]

No kidding. I said the same thing or close to that effect when I came here cyring for help one year ago.

 

I've read through your story and it's helped a lot. I can see a lot of similarities, including the fact that you wanted to fight to save your relationship rather than walk out. You knew what was the good advice to follow and which to ignore.

 

I know a lot of people will say I have been (and am being) too soft in the way I am dealing with things but I do have my PLAN. I'm not going to just wait around forever but I am trying to give my wife the time she has asked for to clear her head.

Maybe I am being sucked in completely by lies she's throwing at me but I think she is just being very honest with me and she is totally confused about what's going on. I don't think she's good enough a liar to be saying all these things vindictivly.

 

There are small signs she's coming round; she at least now says that she wants to give things a go between us and try and work things out - a couple of weeks ago she couldn't see that as an option, she just couldn't see herself being happy with me in the future. I think if I had pushed too hard at that point she'd have gone.

 

All that's not to say I'm disregarding the advice on here. Like Untouchable Fire said, I'm emotionally involved so my judgement will be clouded. I think though that the time for an ultimatum is in a week or so rather than now. If it turns out I've been played for all that time then so be it, probably just shows that things weren't salvagable anyway. Marathon not a sprint.

[timbo1]

Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.

 

I can completely see the logic in what you are saying but I honestly believe that if I push for a definitive decision too early my wife will leave. I know this should set alarm bells ringing all over, and it does, but I think she's wrapped up in a real emotional mess right now. Part of it is the fantasy of the OM & EA but also part of it is guilt and I really think she is sorry that she's hurt me.

I am getting closer to pushing her to make that decision but I don't think we're quite there yet. Closer than a few weeks ago though. She said last night that if she'd had to make a decision at that point, she'd have probably left me and moved in permanently with her parents- at least that way she'd not be hurting me any more and I could get on with my life.

That's not what I want and plenty of people will say I'm stupid for sticking with someone who doesn't want to fight for their marriage. Maybe I am being stupid but maybe I'm just very much in love and think that the time for fighting and hard work is just round the corner.

[timbo1]

You will do anything to fix your marriage. So why in the world is that a problem for your wife ???? Is it because you want her and she does not want you ? You are not pursuing her but you are stalking her...

 

 

I think at the moment this is true, I don't think she knows what she wants. It would be great if she could say that she knew that with hard work and time our realtionship could be fixed and we'd both be happy. But neither of us know that for sure at the moment. I have to keep believing it otherwise I'll have nothing to keep me going.

 

I know deep down that our marriage wasn't perfect but wasn't beyond repair. And I know that we did make each other happy and loved. But right now, my wife can't see that. She is lost in the thrill of this EA and it's hard to see reality.

 

I think that with time, and NC with OM would help too obviously, then she will start to think more clearly and see that our marriage wasn't as bad as she currently thinks and is worth saving. I think deep down it's what she wants, it's just hard for her to see the end point right now.

 

And I'm well aware that stalking her isn't going to help - that's why I am trying to respect her request for some space but at the same time we're also trying to spend some good time together. It feel like we're back to square one completely, going on dates again, but if that's the only way we can work things out then that's what I'll have to do.

[Space Ritual]

I can completely see the logic in what you are saying but I honestly believe that if I push for a definitive decision too early my wife will leave. I know this should set alarm bells ringing all over, and it does, but I think she's wrapped up in a real emotional mess right now. Part of it is the fantasy of the OM & EA but also part of it is guilt and I really think she is sorry that she's hurt me.

I am getting closer to pushing her to make that decision but I don't think we're quite there yet. Closer than a few weeks ago though. She said last night that if she'd had to make a decision at that point, she'd have probably left me and moved in permanently with her parents- at least that way she'd not be hurting me any more and I could get on with my life.

That's not what I want and plenty of people will say I'm stupid for sticking with someone who doesn't want to fight for their marriage. Maybe I am being stupid but maybe I'm just very much in love and think that the time for fighting and hard work is just round the corner.

 

She is so full of crap her teeth are floating!

 

 

 

The more you lollygag the more she has an excuse to put you off. Because if it doesent work out with Loverboy, there's "Good Old Timbo" waiting with open arms to take the be her personal hand puppet. She knows you will take her back in an instant and that your warning of not waiting forever are about as threatening as being hit with a wet noodle

 

All this "confusion" on her part is in essence telling you that she disrespects you enough to the point where she will toy with you just to see if for some reason this guy will leave his GF(which he wont). She is keeping you on the back burner just in case he does not leave his GF for her. Apparently she is under the assumption(as much as you may be in denial about it) that you are a complete doormat and will put up with this.

 

Man Up and make her decision for her. Make her feel some damn consequences for these actions, because she sure as hell feels no consequence lying to you or cheating on you. And if you feel that this affair is strictly emotional, may I submit to you that if she cant tear herself away from his sweet talk, it means he's hit it and she doesen't want to quit it.

 

 

See a solicitor toot sweet Timbo!

 

 

 

THE CURB...find the nearest one and kick her sorry ass to it.

[freestyle]

Hey Timbo:

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now.If you're wishing to preserve your marriage,I'd like to recommend that you read the story and posts of a long-standing LS member. "Owl" . (go back to '04 , '05, mostly)

 

His was one of but a handful of success stories, regarding recovering a marriage from an EA. And his wisdom here is legendary....(living up to his name). sadly, he hasn't been posting for a while, but he's still on the members list, so you can read his story.

 

Wishing you my best.......................

[65tr6]

I don't think she knows what she wants. It would be great if she could say that she knew that with hard work and time our realtionship could be fixed and we'd both be happy. But neither of us know that for sure at the moment. I have to keep believing it otherwise I'll have nothing to keep me going.

 

You know for someone who has just started this painful transition, you are doing good.

 

You are correct. She does not know what she wants. You would love to see your wife running back into your arms...right now anyway.

 

No women in her position knows what she wants. She wants you and him....she feels torn. She is confused. It is all about her! The best thing you can do is accept the fact that is a marathon (like you said). Dont make any impulsive decisions. But at the same time, set your boundaries. Make it very clear to your wife that the f* affair has to stop and she sends an NC note to the OM.

 

Why is she staying away from you ? Let me clarify what I meant by stalking. You want her to be living with you. She is your wife afterall. She needs to come clean about what she has done. She needs to understand the pain she caused you. And at the same time, you own up your share that contributed to the bad marriage and do a 180. This is VERY critical. It is impossible to start the recovery process unless the affair ends. And the chances of ending it are better if she is living with you and you are watching her like a hawk. You have two objectives....Ending the affair, do a 180 in your behavior. Does that make sense ?

 

How you handle your immediate post dday days dictate your path going forward. You need to take charge here my friend...while you continue to grieve. You will get your self respect, confidence, self esteem back slowly. Your wife will be stunned by what she did. That affair was a terrible choice. Right now, she is the fog, she has no idea.

 

About her wanting space...My wife said the same thing. Boy, I almost gave in. I offered to move out and stay in a hotel but never followed up on it. DO NOT give in.

 

You are not being stupid in wanting her back. I felt the same way back then. I did what I felt was right. It is very painful dealing with rejection and wanting someone who does not care a s* about you. You call her and tell her you want her back in the house so you can sort this out.

 

And when you start talking...remember NO RELATIONSHIP talk whatsoever !! Two objectives....Ending the affair and doing a 180 in your behavior.

[65tr6]

double post

[timbo1]

If I'm honest with myself, I think another of the reasons I haven't pushed her to make a decision is that I want her to want to come back to me, not to do it because she's been bullied into it.

 

One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC. For the last few weeks I've been telling myself that the thrill & lust that go with this EA aren't real and could never last. I've told myself that she's caught up in the drama of a new relationship but it doesn't represent real love - it's lacking all the fundemental parts that make love. I keep telling myself that with time these feelings will go away and she'll realise that the OM doesn't represent perfection and a life with him isn't the only way she'd be truly happy.

 

But... what if her feelings don't go away. What if she keeps feeling that she's given up on her one chance of being truly happy. Will she spend the rest of her life wondering "what if" and feeling like she's settled for second best with me? Will our marriage always leave her with a sense of emptyness that I can't fill because I'm not the OM. That really scares me. Common sense tells me that the emotions she's feeling for the OM are fantasy and rose-tinted but there's still a nagging doubt. Maybe the grass really is greener on the other side.

[LifesontheUp]

I understand the feelings that you have, that by pushing her may mean she will never come back to you. Look at it on the reverse, by leaving her carry on with both you and the OM, could ultimately lead to her not coming back to you anyway. Over time she could develop deeper and deeper feelings for him.

 

At the moment you are allowing her to have the best of both worlds......you and him. I would recommend taking yourself out of the situation and let her miss you. In effect knock her off her fence. This is to protect you and ultimately to she which side she lands.

[65tr6]

One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC. For the last few weeks I've been telling myself that the thrill & lust that go with this EA aren't real and could never last. I've told myself that she's caught up in the drama of a new relationship but it doesn't represent real love - it's lacking all the fundemental parts that make love. I keep telling myself that with time these feelings will go away and she'll realise that the OM doesn't represent perfection and a life with him isn't the only way she'd be truly happy.

 

 

First, there are no guarantees in life. You wont know until and unless you give it your best shot. Having said that she hasnt even ended the affair, she hasnt even told you anything about the affair, so how do you know what is going to happen in the near future ? What have you done so far except to ponder over the pessimistic what if scenarios ? (sorry about the 2X4).

 

Let me tell you, the feelings she has for OM are very REAL and very strong. They are not fantasy. However like you said, it is lacking all fundamentals of true love. It (is being) was done behind your back while she (is) was still married to you. She WILL realize this sooner or later provided you act decisively. She may be a wayward but there is a huge guilt that she is carrying right now about what she has done. You need to turn that guilt into true remorse. (There is a nice thread here somewhere that talks about the difference between the two). The remorse comes into play ONLY after the affair ends.

[lkjh]

A lot of people in your situation react the same way you do and it is flat out the wrong way to handle this. First off you have to see the situation for what it is, not the way you want it. If it has gone physical you have to acknowledge that, otherwise even if she does choose you it will be in the back of your mind. Second giving her time to live out her fantasy will just make her want him and pity you. No woman will respect a man that is willing to share her because he is to soft to act. It sounds cruel but it is true. When you chase her and do all these "little" things for her, she will not see it as you showing affection she will see it as you being pathetic.

 

You have to DEmand that the affair ends and you have to expose it. Your wife is having her cake and eating it to. If you don't act now you will regret it later

[timbo1]

The best thing you can do is accept the fact that is a marathon (like you said). Dont make any impulsive decisions.

 

This is what I'm finding hard at the moment, I have to keep telling myself that things are going to take time but what I really want is everything to be right again now.

 

This is another reason why I don't want to push my wife hard just yet. But I have set boundries in my head.

 

One of the problems underlying our relationship is my wife's lack of self-confidence and she has said a number of times that she doesn't feel like I need her for anything, that I'd get along just fine if she weren't there. Now for things like making my own dinner and loading the dishwasher that's true but I didn't fall in love with her because she'd make a good maid. I need her emotionally and love being with her.

 

Anyhow, right now she feels like she needs some time to clear her head and to miss me and not take me for granted so much, and that's why she's staying with her mum. She knows I don't agree and I think we need to be starting to work on things with her back here. But if I put my foot down it'll be just another example of how I don't take her point of view seriously and me thinking I know best over her. I think right now that would do a lot of damage to the way she thinks about me.

 

That is why I'm happy (well, not happy but tollerating) her staying with her mum for a short while. She's said she'll move back in a week or so but she feels like it's doing her some good.

 

I know I can't keep an eye on her movements etc but her mum and I are pretty close and she tells me that my wife is coming home each evening and also that she's bloody miserable most of the time so I think she is suffering too.

 

In terms of my boundries, I'm going to give it another week or so before I put my foot down about her coming home. Soft? Maybe.

[LifesontheUp]

Anyhow, right now she feels like she needs some time to clear her head and to miss me and not take me for granted so much, and that's why she's staying with her mum.

 

Well let her miss you. Tell her that you are giving her this time and that you don't want any contact with her for the next week or so. She won't miss you if you are still in touch. She needs to realise what life will be like without you.

[timbo1]

Well let her miss you. Tell her that you are giving her this time and that you don't want any contact with her for the next week or so. She won't miss you if you are still in touch. She needs to realise what life will be like without you.

 

I am trying, and I hope it'll help. My mind's going crazy wondering if she's in contact with OM by SMS etc but that's beyond my control I know. I told her that she wouldn't miss me if she was still in contact with OM and she said she knew that.

 

So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.

Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.

[allhopelost]

The guy she’s involved with I know from University and is well known for being a charmer with the ladies but also well known for his infidelity (he is currently with a girlfriend who knows nothing about this affair). My wife says he makes her feel special and attractive and confident. She swears that nothing physical has happened although at times I find this hard to believe.

You cant believe it because it isn't true!

Unfortunately, things hadn’t really moved on very much in the last 4 weeks. She has spent the last 2 weeks at her mum’s house (only a few miles away) as she said she needs to clear her head and wants to miss me a bit. We’ve made an effort to spend some time together and have gone for a few meals out and gone to the theatre etc. When we’ve done these things we’ve had a good time and has generally ended with her coming back to our house for the night.

Pretty lame excuse, at her mums...

But she still kept saying that she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to have a go at saving our marriage. I would say things like “the only way we’ll find out whether we can make eachother happy is to give things a real go for a few months, and then see how we feel” and she’d accept that this was the right thing to do but wasn’t able or willing to stop contact with this other guy. There are still daily SMS and I know for sure they met for dinner a couple of weeks ago. All through I said I would wait for as long as I could for her to make a decision but that I couldn’t hold on forever as the not knowing was too painful.

If it were my wife here, I would give the ultimatum. Obviously she is a cake eater and you are the crumb.

[LifesontheUp]

I am trying, and I hope it'll help. My mind's going crazy wondering if she's in contact with OM by SMS etc but that's beyond my control I know. I told her that she wouldn't miss me if she was still in contact with OM and she said she knew that.

 

So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.

Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.

 

From my experience and reading others experiences you need to go NC with her. You cannot work at rebuilding your marriage with an OM in the picture. She wants her space so give it to her. Hard I know, but better for you in the long run..........I've been there.

[65tr6]

This is another reason why I don't want to push my wife hard just yet. But I have set boundries in my head.

 

Things will take time.....whether you live happily ever after or you end up divorcing. And I agree you should not push your wife hard in that direction yet.

 

HOWEVER, you must push your wife hard to end the affair NOW !!! See the difference ?

 

So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.

 

Nope. Dating is fine. But you need her to move back in first, right ?

 

Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.

 

Yes you are trying to run before you walk. Don't push for committment. No relationship talk at this point.

[Dexter Morgan]

One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC.

 

even if she gets over it and you stay with her, she will have fond memories of another man she fell for while with you....you willing to put up with it, and settle for that?

[LifesontheUp]

Things will take time.....whether you live happily ever after or you end up divorcing. And I agree you should not push your wife hard in that direction yet.

 

HOWEVER, you must push your wife hard to end the affair NOW !!! See the difference ?

 

I don't think he wants to push his wife on anything at the moment. Therefore, the only option I can see is to go NC on her whilst she has her space. Don't see her and let her miss him.

[timbo1]

Things will take time.....whether you live happily ever after or you end up divorcing. And I agree you should not push your wife hard in that direction yet.

 

HOWEVER, you must push your wife hard to end the affair NOW !!! See the difference ?

 

I do see what you mean and I believe that she is trying to end things (comes from her friend); maybe I need to push her a bit harder over this to make her a bit stronger when it comes to instigating NC.

 

 

Nope. Dating is fine. But you need her to move back in first, right ?

 

This is what I'm not sure of also. She's only a few miles away at her parents' so on one hand we can (and have) spend a bit of time together at the weekends and have gone out a few times during the week. This obviously feels like we've regressed about 9 years in our relationship but it does feel like we're spending some good, enjoyable time together (which we hadn't been doing for a while) and at the same time don't have to see each other 24/7 being miserable and confused and going over old ground again & again.

 

On the other hand, I know that at some point she needs to move back in for us to really give things a go. Until she does that am I being stupid in seeing her at all?

 

I had thought that by seeing each other every now & again we were at least starting to sow the seeds of our friendship and relationship again. I don't know and really appreciate all your opinions. I've got so many of these stupid questions in my head and it is really helping to be able to get such good advice and support on here. Thankyou.

[timbo1]

even if she gets over it and you stay with her, she will have fond memories of another man she fell for while with you....you willing to put up with it, and settle for that?

 

 

I know that when put like that I seem like a fool for wanting to be with her. But I married her because I love her, she's a wonderful person, will make a wonderful mother, loved me deeply and we had all our hopes and dreams for the future together.

 

Am I willing to settle for that? I suppose yes I am. Damaged goods some might say, but if I spend my whole life jumping out of relationships because they're not perfect then I'll probably end up sad & lonely with a string of perfectly good (but not perfect) relationships behind me. Hopefully my wife will realise that too in the long term.

[jackmo71]

timbo1,

 

I know exactly what you are going through. All started in January 09 after signing up for High School Alumni web site with ex boyfirend. Our situations are exact except my wifes douch bag is over 2200 miles away and she is still home. Everything else is the same. I dont want to push her as well because the last ultimatium I gave did not go so well. I actually contacted douch bag and we had an agreement to have NC but my wife dug in her heals and pursued and here we are several months later. She told me all the same things your wife told me, i need space, i dont love you, i hate you , i cant stand you, etc, etc, etc. But then on occasion she will be sweet at pie and say you are so good to me, i am a mess and thanks for putting up with me. We have been married 18 years and have three boys who would be devistated if we split especially after they find outthere mom left us for someone else. A little history: douch bag is 40 years old and has six kids by three differant women and has never been even close to being married. He was with my wife one time 20 years ago and after getting what he wanted left her high abd dry for someone else. I can not believe she is even talking to this clown again.

 

I am an emotional wreck but have grown stronger as time goes on but I committed to her 18n years ago and am going to stand still until she makes up her mind and hopefully I will still care for her as deeply as I do now. BTW we were in marriage counceling but with her not wanting to try it was a waste of time. We even went to individual counceling which was a life saner for me. I found out that my wife asked douch bag if she divorced me would they get together (paraphrasing) he told her no in so many words. I got this info second hand so i really dont know what was said but the point is he would not be there for her. So she is still here months later. I always held my wife up in high esteem and am crushed and furiouse that she could be so weak in the mind. She refuses to initiate NC and the Lord has not placed on my heart to contact him again yet. It is taking every ounce of self restraint not to take a plane and confront him. Especially after I intercepted some inappropriate pics he sent of himself to my wife. I was furiouse!!!! and tempted to post them all over the net. Still thinking about it actually.

 

Counceling really helps as well. If nothing else to vent to someone who will listen to you. It has helped me greatly to deal with this mess for the last 10 months. I told you my situation to say this, these guys are trash as is anyone who deliberately pursues a married person. Hold on and do not let go of the women you committed to and love. I keep telling myself daily that its only a test that will be over real soon. Once the rebuilding of our marriages begins, we will be more on love with our spouses and will be able to withstand anything the devil throws our way. God Bless and hold on to whats important my brother.........

[jackmo71]

I agree 100%. He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Stay encouraged and hang on. One day we will be able to post a success story as well.....