Wife's emotional affair

[Dexter Morgan]

My suggestion is to just do little things for her to show you care. Just very small things that require thought. Then don't mention them at all, let her see them or find them.

 

I'm sorry, I know that repairing a damaged marriage takes 2, but i just have to chime in on this.

 

She shows little interest in doing anything to repair the marriage. She is the cheater, yet it is timbo that has to do the work??

 

here is what is going to happen, if he does what you say and tries to show her he cares, then she'll probably end up not wanting the marrige afterall, since it looks like she doesn't anyway, or she will realize tha she can cheat, and have timbo wrapped around her little finger. She is being given ALL the power here.

 

sure, he should try....but not if she won't.

[Space Ritual]

TIMBO!

 

 

It is quite apparent that at this point your wife has you so wrapped around her little finger that its simply sickening. You are still fishing on this forum for things you WANT to hear, as opposed to the overwhelming majority of posters who have told you (like myself) what you NEED to hear.

 

I am sure you dont like this anymore than I do. WE ARE NOT ANGRY AT YOU...WE ARE ANGRY FOR YOU.

 

I made many of the same mistakes years ago that you are currently making and I literally have tears in my eyes because I see you as a good man who is married to an emotional monster. She may not have been a monster initially, buts she is one now.

 

Books are not the answer...for you are the only one reading them

Counseling is not the answer....for she has no intention of coming back to you.

Your wife is a cancer on your happiness. The only way to recover is CUT OUT THE CANCER SO YOU CAN LIVE.

[timbo1]

I am trying to stay objective but I am well aware that it isn't very easy in my position.

 

As things stand, the main points of conflict in my head are thus:

 

1. If she wanted to leave, why didn't she when she had the chance? Her mother has told me that the OM had offered for my wife to move in with him and for them to make a go of things. My wife does tend to think with her heart and I really don't think she'd have stayed with me just because we are married - if she thought she couldn't be happy with me in the future she'd have gone.

 

2. It was her that initiated NC with the OM. We had talked about it and how if her and I were to make progress together then NC would be needed - but I hadn't given her an all or nothing ultimatum by the time she started NC.

 

3. She's moved back in. And although things aren't back to normal at least she's here rather than with her mother.

 

4. Doing well on NC

 

But on the flip side....

 

5. She's still rather stand-offish. But would I really want her to be completely normal with me this soon? After all that's happened I don't know if I'd feel she were being genuine if suddenly she were acting as if nothing had happened.

 

6. At times I do feel like I'm the one doing all the work - like she expects me to woo her back. I think I'm just going to have to see how this goes over the next few days. I appreciate that her feelings aren't going to change overnight and again, I don't want her to just pretend. But if things don't start to change before too long I think my suspicion is going to rise again and I may have to accept that she isn't getting over the OM at all - just waiting for him.

 

It wouldn't be so bad if I just had these thoughts a couple of times a day, it's the fact I have them a couple of times a minute!!

[jnj express]

Hey T. I am not going to comment on how things have been handled in your situation, I am going to give you a way to possibly dry up your WW's AP. In many states the torts of criminal conversion, and alienation of affection, are available to you----You can contact her AP, and let him know that if he attempts to contact your wife in any way shape or form, you will file a lawsuit against him, and relieve him of a goodly portion of his wallet. These are obviously easy to prove, and it should drive him away forever. Do not tell her about this, just do it, but if she comes back at you about it, it means they are still in contact, or she is still favoring him over fixing your mge.

[65tr6]

Timbo,

 

you asked few questions about what my wife did when we went through something similar....

 

First, as soon as the affair came out....She went into terrible remorse. That helped me a lot. She still had very strong addiction to the OM but she understood that contact was not an option.

 

She went to IC for few months, she read some books on her own. I shared with her what I thought was relevant articles i printed off from the internet or from the books I was reading. We talked about her affair everyday for months until there was nothing left. It was emotionally the most painful months of my life. Looking back, it went a long way in my healing.

 

Dont take this the wrong way, but you need to show some spine here my friend. You cannot beg, plead your wife to come back into your marriage. Your wife, timbo, has checked out...just like my wife did...Accept it. However the good news is she can fall back in love with you again provided there is NC, you change your behavior, starting meeting her needs. Do you know what her top emotional needs are ?

 

I am glad to hear that she moved back in with you. She wont get over the OM in a matter of days. You need to understand this is going to take time. Has she told you everything about the affair ?

 

I would not over analyze anything she did and did not do during the affair. It is not that difficult if you think about it.

 

Have you exposed the affair to OM's girlfriend ?

 

Oh, I forget. Point about MC. For MC to be effective

 

1) Your wife must first get out of the fog (could take several months after NC)

2) She is willing

3) MC is experienced in dealing with infidelity.

 

No amount of MC is any good if your wife is in contact with OM. Period.

[timbo1]

Thanks 65tr6. Don't get me wrong - there will be no more begging from me. I know that it won't do us (or me) any good. And we have talked a lot about the affair. There are lots of little things that part of me wants to ask, but deep down I know that most of these don't matter. You're right, it is easy to over-analyze but now I know I'm doing it, I think I can make myself stop.

 

I also see what you mean about the MC. I know that it'll be useful in the future. I can accept that our relationship had got to a bad state a good while before the OM showed up. My wife was certainly at the "love you but not in love with you stage" and I wasn't too far behind. I'm convinced that we can get ourselves out of that situation and I do feel MC will help. However, I also see now that those are bridges that will be crossed in the future - not now.

 

My short term goals have to be; do everything I can to help my wife maintain NC (although I know the ultimate decision will always lie with her), wait for the fog to clear, work on myself, and start meeting her needs as best she'll let me.

 

Got to keep telling myself it's a marathon not a sprint.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am trying to stay objective but I am well aware that it isn't very easy in my position.

 

As things stand, the main points of conflict in my head are thus:

 

1. If she wanted to leave, why didn't she when she had the chance?

 

money, home, familiar life, divorce is messy and doesn't want to go through it. Thats why I believe so many people cheat instead of having the ball/boobs to get a divorce.

 

 

Her mother has told me that the OM had offered for my wife to move in with him and for them to make a go of things. My wife does tend to think with her heart and I really don't think she'd have stayed with me just because we are married

 

don't kid yourself. another reason, which is one I heard from x-friends of my wife, is that my X didn't want to be seen as the bad guy...the cheater that destroyed the family. even though me filing for divorce didn't change how she was perceived by people.

 

 

if she thought she couldn't be happy with me in the future she'd have gone.

 

sounds to me like she is REALLY pondering that. For alot of people, its not an easy decision to make. most people don't want to tear the kids away from their comfortable environment of sanctuary. i felt that way even though I was the BS, but realized more harm would come to them having a father that stayed with a cheating wife. cuz they would realize dad wasn't happy.

 

 

2. It was her that initiated NC with the OM.

 

yet she is still torn on what to do. Doesn't sound like NC done out of desire.

 

 

 

3. She's moved back in. And although things aren't back to normal

 

got news for you, it never will be NORMAL. different maybe, normal?..never. Normal is having a spouse that hasn't effed other people during the marriage.

 

 

at least she's here rather than with her mother.

 

 

 

4. Doing well on NC

 

But on the flip side....

 

5. She's still rather stand-offish.

 

of course she is, she is very much missing her other man. and you are coddling her through it.

 

 

6. At times I do feel like I'm the one doing all the work - like she expects me to woo her back.

 

well at least you see this much of it. she cheats, but expects you to prove to HER that YOU are worthy. Sorry, it needs to be the other way around. Not saying you don't have to put any work in, but SHE is the one that needs to prove that she is worthy of YOU.

 

this is getting back to the "wrapped around her little finger" thing. she knows she can get away with this, therefore she is acting like she is the prize to be won here.

 

 

I think I'm just going to have to see how this goes over the next few days. I appreciate that her feelings aren't going to change overnight and again, I don't want her to just pretend. But if things don't start to change before too long I think my suspicion is going to rise again and I may have to accept that she isn't getting over the OM at all - just waiting for him.

 

I think she is waiting for YOU to make the move that pushes her back to him. She wants YOU to file for divorce so she can say "I tried".

 

You have to do what you want to do. But I can tell you right now, if you keep her, normal isn't going to be an option and you WILL always wonder about her and be at least the smallest bit suspicious of her motives and actions.

 

I can tell you, especially in this case the way your "wife" is acting, that if you stay with her, you WILL regret wasting more of your short time on this planet with her.

[2sunny]

something that keeps punching at me is the fact that your wife said she went NC on Thursday with her OM and didn't even bother to tell you for several days.

 

i swear, i would bet money that it was the OM who initiated the NC. if she had started the NC and been happy for the progress it might mean to your M - then she would have told you immediately, instead she waited for you to even bring it up. grrrrr makes me think OM started NC and she was hoping it wouldn't last that's why she didn't tell you, also means that she isn't respecting the NC for you, but also for his wishes as well if he was the one asking.

 

maybe the OM dumped her and that's why she's not too happy to be back.

 

i really think if she truly initiated NC she would have immediately told you that events had changed and she intended to make the marriage better... why did she wait? i think you need to be digging for the truth from her. she's not being honest.

[timbo1]

something that keeps punching at me is the fact that your wife said she went NC on Thursday with her OM and didn't even bother to tell you for several days.

 

i swear, i would bet money that it was the OM who initiated the NC. if she had started the NC and been happy for the progress it might mean to your M - then she would have told you immediately, instead she waited for you to even bring it up. grrrrr makes me think OM started NC and she was hoping it wouldn't last that's why she didn't tell you, also means that she isn't respecting the NC for you, but also for his wishes as well if he was the one asking.

 

maybe the OM dumped her and that's why she's not too happy to be back.

 

i really think if she truly initiated NC she would have immediately told you that events had changed and she intended to make the marriage better... why did she wait? i think you need to be digging for the truth from her. she's not being honest.

 

This'll sound like I'm making excuses but it wasn't really that long.

 

She spoke to the OM and initiated NC late on Thursday night. I was on a night shift by then and by the time I came home on the Friday morning my wife had already left for work.

Friday evening we met up out in town with some friends for dinner and then first thing Saturday morning we had our chat and she told me about the NC.

 

I see your points but I think it was my wife who initiated NC, she had told her friend and sister a couple of days before that she knew that was what she needed to do to give her and I a chance.