Leaving the "Friend-zone"

[Maggie]

I'm hoping for some "been there - done that" advice from anyone who has it to give. I am trying to be helpful to a desperate friend in need, and could use all the help I can get. Thanks!

 

So here's the story:

 

'Nancy' met 'Adam' about 2 years ago through mutual friends. They hit it off instantly as friends and started occasionaly hanging out - nothing more. Nancy developed a bit of a 'thing' for Adam and mentioned it to friends - they found out for her that he was not interested in having anything more than a friendship with anyone at the moment.

 

So they continued hanging out as friends.

 

She, during this time, dated a few guys, but nothing serious. And he hasn't dated anyone (that we know of). The topic of them two becoming more then friends has never come up - but niether has the topic of them dating other people either.

 

She is too shy to flirt with him and subtly let him know she feels more, and he has always been the touchly feely sort of person when they talk (which is giving her mixed signals). And lately, from what she tells me, he has been hesitating like he wants to say something, when they say their good-byes after an evening.

 

My advice to her: Come right out and tell him how she feels, because it's possible he feels something too and doesn't know how to bring it up.

 

My question for you guys: How does she tell him that she's interested in being more than friends without possibly making the situation uncomfortable if he doesn't feel the same way? Write him a note? Tell him over the phone? Ask him out for coffee? Mention it as a joke to see his reaction?

 

I'm more of a "wait for him to make the first move" type of girl, and I think that's the wrong advice for her right now.

 

Any thoughts??

 

Thanks again..

[Tony T]

It's not a matter of making him uncomfortable, it's more of a matter of her spending a lot of time putting herself through unnecessary emotional stuff. There is no sane reason why anyone should hang out with another person while their feelings for that person get stronger and stronger...and not have any idea where the other person is at.

 

If this guy is a real man, he will make a move if he feels that's what he wants to do. Certainly, he has a very good idea that this lady has greater feelings for him than as just a friend. But, for our purposes we will just say he's shy.

 

Your friend better sit down with this guy and put the cards right out on the table. If there is no hope for a relationship of some sort with him, she needs to either adjust her feelings accordingly or stay away from him until she feels differently about him. I think it is just plain dishonest...and a torture to yourself...to be around someone trying to be a buddy when you want a lot more.

 

Once she has this talk, she can decide the direction she wants to go. From my experience, it is a total waste of time to wait around for someone to possibly change their feelings.

 

If he doesn't want to take the relationship to a new level, your friend should move on immediately and seek guys who will want to put the spice of romance in her life.

 

She needs to talk to him as soon as possible, resolve this matter quickly, and govern herself accordingly.

[LT]

Here's the repsonse I misposted...now it's right. SORRY!

 

Tony, I agree with you to an extent. I've had the pleasure of wonderful male friends (strictly platonic), and I've been in both situations. From a "romantic" point of view I'll agree that your advice is practical and efficient. Why waste time?

 

Except if there IS true friendship under all of it I'd always think twice about just tossing it away because my hormones got the best of me. Hormones come and go, romance often comes and goes...friendships, really good ones, are much harder to find and keep.

 

It sounds like this lady should ask her friend what's on his mind...that she senses he wants to talk about something but is finding it difficult. Reassure him of her love, goodwill, and friendship, no matter what it is. If he chooses to speak and it's what she wants to hear, GREAT. If not, then here's another 2 scenarios she can hash out:

 

1. Hypothesize with him. Some night when the two of you are just bs-ing bring up the subject of what could happen if one friend starts falling for the other (make up an example from some past he doesn't know about). See what he says. Your opinion, of course, should be that no matter what happens the two should try to remain friends, should such feelings not be reciprocated. -OR-

 

2. (this worked for me but won't work for everyone!) Go to him, let him see you're upset. Tell him you have a problem with the relationship, that your feelings for him have changed and that you're having a hard time dealing with it. You value the friendship and don't want to lose it and for that reason you want to TEMPORARILY take some time off from the friendship. Tell him you're sure you can get things back to normal and then you can be friends again. If the guy has deeper feelings he won't let you walk away. If he's a true friend but not interested in more he'll understand and you WILL need that temporary time apart. Yes, you'll miss him a lot, but think of it as serving a greater good and think of it as temporary. Above all, take responsibility for your own feelings, don't make him think you're dumping it all in his lap (with the above he's reassured YOU are dealing with it.)

 

Now, all that said. Scenario 2 worked with a guy I considered my best friend. At first he seemed very taken aback and didn't want to deal with it. The next day he had his arms around me. Go figure. But in the end, unfortunately, it was an all around bad idea. After dating awhile you start falling back into the best friend thing and all the romance goes out. Breaking up romantically also breaks up the friendship. So, just be careful and think hard about what this guy's friendship means to you. Maybe you could date around a little first and then see if the feelings are still there?

 

LT

 

It's not a matter of making him uncomfortable, it's more of a matter of her spending a lot of time putting herself through unnecessary emotional stuff. There is no sane reason why anyone should hang out with another person while their feelings for that person get stronger and stronger...and not have any idea where the other person is at.

 

If this guy is a real man, he will make a move if he feels that's what he wants to do. Certainly, he has a very good idea that this lady has greater feelings for him than as just a friend. But, for our purposes we will just say he's shy. Your friend better sit down with this guy and put the cards right out on the table. If there is no hope for a relationship of some sort with him, she needs to either adjust her feelings accordingly or stay away from him until she feels differently about him. I think it is just plain dishonest...and a torture to yourself...to be around someone trying to be a buddy when you want a lot more. Once she has this talk, she can decide the direction she wants to go. From my experience, it is a total waste of time to wait around for someone to possibly change their feelings. If he doesn't want to take the relationship to a new level, your friend should move on immediately and seek guys who will want to put the spice of romance in her life. She needs to talk to him as soon as possible, resolve this matter quickly, and govern herself accordingly.

[billy the kid]

Maggie, if you read some other posts from the past you will see that a lot of girls believe in the 22nd century woman. so I would say go for it to your friend... but personally how well does she know him?? either way I would want to meet in person cuz just by chance if , well she might be able to tell if he is honest ( i would have used the other word you know sen.. but I can't spell worth a flip) any way what does she have to loose, and how much more to gain??

I'm hoping for some "been there - done that" advice from anyone who has it to give. I am trying to be helpful to a desperate friend in need, and could use all the help I can get. Thanks! So here's the story: 'Nancy' met 'Adam' about 2 years ago through mutual friends. They hit it off instantly as friends and started occasionaly hanging out - nothing more. Nancy developed a bit of a 'thing' for Adam and mentioned it to friends - they found out for her that he was not interested in having anything more than a friendship with anyone at the moment.

 

So they continued hanging out as friends.

 

She, during this time, dated a few guys, but nothing serious. And he hasn't dated anyone (that we know of). The topic of them two becoming more then friends has never come up - but niether has the topic of them dating other people either.

 

She is too shy to flirt with him and subtly let him know she feels more, and he has always been the touchly feely sort of person when they talk (which is giving her mixed signals). And lately, from what she tells me, he has been hesitating like he wants to say something, when they say their good-byes after an evening. My advice to her: Come right out and tell him how she feels, because it's possible he feels something too and doesn't know how to bring it up. My question for you guys: How does she tell him that she's interested in being more than friends without possibly making the situation uncomfortable if he doesn't feel the same way? Write him a note? Tell him over the phone? Ask him out for coffee? Mention it as a joke to see his reaction? I'm more of a "wait for him to make the first move" type of girl, and I think that's the wrong advice for her right now. Any thoughts?? Thanks again..