Why is everyone so depressed in here?

[CBIIS1]

Ok, you lost her or him, its been x months. Get on with someone new and feel alright again. Leave it behind now instead of 4 years from now. Don't waste time hurting you could use to reinvent yourself, he or she isn't. Bounce back, now. Its been three months for me and I'm on my feet again. I speak from experience. If I can you can too. Stop licking your wounds. They don't heal that way.

[Auroracoladybug]

Many of us said "I do" with full committment to be there till death. I am happy to see that in three months you have bounced back and feel great. I still feel that my husband is my true love and I will always love him and want him back. There are many of us who have children too and that complicates things tremendously when your spouse suddenly wants nothing to do with you or what was your family...it is mourning what we had and what we can not affect (the other persons feelings or actions)...so your mourning was short and mine will take longer...I am still wanting to reconcile.

[Printer]

ditto ( except I want my wife back )

 

People come on to this site for all sorts of reasons and everybody's situation is unique. It good to hear from people with similar problems who can share their thoughts and advice.

Some people find it easy, others not so. Any support offered is always well received and appreiciated.

I know I will be spending many weeks checking in and looking for lots of information.

 

I pleased you have moved on so quickly and I'm sure people would like to hear how you achieved this.

[FeelingLonely98]

ditto ( except I want my wife back )

 

People come on to this site for all sorts of reasons and everybody's situation is unique. It good to hear from people with similar problems who can share their thoughts and advice.

Some people find it easy, others not so. Any support offered is always well received and appreiciated.

I know I will be spending many weeks checking in and looking for lots of information.

 

I pleased you have moved on so quickly and I'm sure people would like to hear how you achieved this.

 

Yes, How did you do it CBI? Were you pleased to get your D or separation? Were you the one that left? Most of the folks in here were left behind or cheated on (or both) and had what they considered long-term committed loving marriages. They are in pain. I'm sure most are like me where if they could turn back time to BEFORE the spouse betrayed them they would. And I'm sure like me many would have liked ONE chance at a true reconciliation but never got it. Do you think everyone in the world is identical and all can move through something like this at the same speed (i.e., YOUR speed). Please be a little bit more compassionate here on LS CBI. I almost don't believe your post is even true, maybe just a "funny gag" posted here to get your kicks?

Us LSers do not always know where to get the strength or advice or knowledge to move into a "better" place. Like Printer says please do (if you are a betrayed spouse) share how you did this.

 

THANKS!!

[tojaz]

Everyone heals at their own pace and needs to be allowed to do so. I loved my wife with all my heart, if I had been able to move on after three months, I would have hated myself because that would trivialize what she meant to me in my opinion. I'm glad it was so easy for you to pick yourself up, and get the message your trying to convey, but show a little respect for those that still hurt.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

I'm with you Tojaz!

[LonelyTiger]

Oh, wow! 'Get on with someone new and feel alright again'! Why didn't I think of that? I could have saved myself months of heartache.

 

Oh, hang on a minute, I almost forgot, it's because my husband and my marriage were, and still are, very special to me. Because he is the love of my life and the only man I have ever truly loved, and because another relationship or love of that depth will not just be waiting for me around the next corner!

 

Four months since he dropped the bombshell and my brain is still having difficulty even registering that it's over!

 

I was committed to my husband 'for life'! I expected to grow old with him and for one of us to die in the arms of the other! We had even discussed where to scatter each others ashes.

 

I guess the difference here is that for some of us the loss of our spouse is like breaking our backs - we are suddenly incapacitated and have no choice but to let it heal in its own time, albeit with a little help from ourselves and if we're lucky a trusted physio and a few friends to lean on!

 

For others the loss is just a surface scratch or a graze that bleeds for a little while, hurts a tiny bit and is then, very soon afterwards, is all but invisible to the naked eye.

 

I think most people on here are part of the first group. Lucky you that you are not. I suspect that you were the one who left, or maybe (and please forgive me if I am wrong) your partner just wasn't that special to you in the first place - otherwise how did you manage to replace her so easily?

[tojaz]

Great post Tiger, thank you.

[FeelingLonely98]

Even though I am going to have D papers submitted to the courts next week less than 2 & 1/2 months after I got the ILYBINILWY speech from my 47 yr old STBXW, I am still tortured by the suddenness and sickened with sadness. I TRY with all my might to be strong , but every hour of every day I still think of her, even though I know she is with someone else. I have no "hope" of her returning, only because I refuse to let this hope thought enter my head - that would make the pain immeasurably greater. We can still reconcile - D or not. (just not planning on it)

I may be divorced within 100 days or so from the day she asked for a D. Doesn't mean I am ok with it, that I no longer love her, that I am moving on. When I need to talk of it - I use the term "moving forward", not "moving on". And I suspect it may be many months after the D and I still feel like this. Even if I am dating or seeing someone. (I can see it now.)

It would make my life sooooooooo much easier to just turn off the feelings or love for her (like she did for me) - I just can't.

[broken hearted]

You hit the nail right on the head Tiger! My husband was and still is the love of my life...love like we had does not exist more than once in a lifetime!

[tojaz]

It would make my life sooooooooo much easier to just turn off the feelings or love for her (like she did for me) - I just can't.

In my opinion, nobody who truly loved can.

 

You hit the nail right on the head Tiger! My husband was and still is the love of my life...love like we had does not exist more than once in a lifetime!

Please don't say that Broken, like me, you have a lot of life ahead of you, I can't accept that I will never feel the feeling I had with her again. You and I are both going to find something so much better for us. Something true and real and unbreaking. It is the only thing that is right and just, and dammit we deserve it!!

TOJAZ

[HeavenOrHell]

Exactly! I can't get over my ex after 3 months, not after 18 years together.

 

 

You hit the nail right on the head Tiger! My husband was and still is the love of my life...love like we had does not exist more than once in a lifetime!

[cyabye]

BRAVO CBIIS1! I am happy for you. You don't mention anything about yourself or story so it's hard to form an educated opinion from your experience dealing with this. FWIW, proper healing from separation, divorce, cheating etc. takes time. Everything else (i.e. someone else) is a distraction at best and the hurt and pain that was repressed will come out again later only worse. But now your in another relationship which complicates things so much more. I will continue to lick. Thanks.

 

cyabye

[PWSX3]

WOW!!!

CB doesn't say how long they were married, doesn't give much background.....

 

For me just like others it was for death do us part.

 

I was married for 28 yrs. hard to just forget something like that but I understand it was her choice & there isn't much I can do about it so I've been taking classes such as Boundaries, Changes that heal, Divorce Care, etc. and they have helped so much but I still have feelings for my former wife. I don't feel those will go away for a while....

 

I even have a G/F but that doesn't mean I have forgotten....

 

Like someone else said; if you don't do the work to do the right grieving it will come back & bite you in the butt!!!!!

 

I would be interested to hear how things are going in like a year from now for you....

[soheartbroken]

We're depressed because we lost someone that we really love. Our realities have been shattered, and we've been treated with complete disregard and/or totally abandoned.

 

I find your post a bit insensitive. If I could just pick up the pieces and move on in 3 months I would.

[Cranialrupture]

I am in one of the anger swings of my rollercoaster. So I apologize if this comes across strong. I am only starting the 5th week since my stbxw left. If only 3 months is all it took. When and if you ever get to the point in your life where you are at perfect peace and happiness with your wife, to the point where you could die on the spot a happy man because you know that you love and are believed to be loved to a level that everything else in life is completely irrelevant and that you have no fear of the future because you have grown a love so strong that you know you can overcome anything because she is by your side. Then have everything torn away from you in an instant as if it didn't mean one f**king thing, and watch the pain and the hurt and the fear in your three kids's eyes which are a down pour of tears and they are shakeing from grief and confussion and she just sits there as if it doesn't even phase her. Then you can come and ask why everyone is so depressed. The answer is you have most likely never given everything and I mean everything to a relationship and built your life around a person and kids just to have it all destroyed.

 

Sorry for the rant...I am just in an anger phase atm.

[soheartbroken]

Amen to that CranialRupture.

[trippi1432]

Ok, you lost her or him, its been x months. Get on with someone new and feel alright again. Leave it behind now instead of 4 years from now. Don't waste time hurting you could use to reinvent yourself, he or she isn't. Bounce back, now. Its been three months for me and I'm on my feet again. I speak from experience. If I can you can too. Stop licking your wounds. They don't heal that way.

 

Well, CB, I guess some of us are here because we really feel like we lost something....it's not a pity party, it's a place to come to share. I'm sure it must feel good to be able to move on after only 3 months, my 15 year relationship with my husband got me replaced in a little under a month. I guess it's good to see him happy, just wish I could get there too. Just as soon as I think I am getting better and moving on, some dramatic event has to happen to pull me right back down to knowing I have to go through it physically alone, but thanks to LS, not emotionally alone.

[FeelingLonely98]

I am in one of the anger swings of my rollercoaster. So I apologize if this comes across strong. I am only starting the 5th week since my stbxw left. If only 3 months is all it took. When and if you ever get to the point in your life where you are at perfect peace and happiness with your wife, to the point where you could die on the spot a happy man because you know that you love and are believed to be loved to a level that everything else in life is completely irrelevant and that you have no fear of the future because you have grown a love so strong that you know you can overcome anything because she is by your side. Then have everything torn away from you in an instant as if it didn't mean one f**king thing, and watch the pain and the hurt and the fear in your three kids's eyes which are a down pour of tears and they are shakeing from grief and confussion and she just sits there as if it doesn't even phase her. Then you can come and ask why everyone is so depressed. The answer is you have most likely never given everything and I mean everything to a relationship and built your life around a person and kids just to have it all destroyed.

 

Sorry for the rant...I am just in an anger phase atm.

 

I second this post! Those who never really loved can move "on" and forget quickly.

[Gunny376]

Ok, you lost her or him, its been x months. Get on with someone new and feel alright again. Leave it behind now instead of 4 years from now. Don't waste time hurting you could use to reinvent yourself, he or she isn't. Bounce back, now. Its been three months for me and I'm on my feet again. I speak from experience. If I can you can too. Stop licking your wounds. They don't heal that way.

 

That's like saying someone who only lost an arm in Iraq is the same as someone who lost a leg, as someone who lost an arm and an leg.

 

Hey! I only lost an arm! I got over it in nothin' flat.

 

Each situation is exactly the same and exactly different! Just as every human being ~ seven and half billion of them ~ are.

 

I appreciate what your trying to convey. I really do.

 

But for some its just not as easy as picking yourself up, dusting yourself up.

 

But I really am glad it was for you. I really am!

[Aksion]

So, I read the first post of this thread thinking many would respond the way I would, and they almost did. You're happy right? Great. ****ing glad for you, really I am. No sarcasm at all -- really happy for you.

 

As for me? Most people that visit this forum -- new and old, have read up on my story. I'm NOT "ok". I'm NOT able to "be happy with someone new", and I'm NOT even close to alright in my head. I'm not the only one -- and I don't even have children with my stbxw. This woman took my entire youth from me. Supported her for almost 6 years, had to drop out of college to support us, and stuck myself into a career that I HATE but paid well enough to keep us on our feet and allowed her to get into school again. What happens from there? Well obviously if I'm here -- nothing really good. Now, stuck with all of the bills/responsibilities of "our life" together -- while she gets to play the single life and has no bills/responsibilities at all anymore. Am I doing good? No. Would 'finding someone new' do me any good? No. I'm still stuck with this **** -- and those with children + these responsibilities have it even worse. They still have to see their former spouses -- have to speak with them.

 

Like I said before -- I'm happy for you. You 'moved on' in three months, glad your relationship with your former wife or whoever she was to you meant that much. However, I don't see many of us that post here actually 'enjoying' life that much so soon.

[Gunny376]

I am in one of the anger swings of my rollercoaster. So I apologize if this comes across strong. I am only starting the 5th week since my stbxw left. If only 3 months is all it took. When and if you ever get to the point in your life where you are at perfect peace and happiness with your wife, to the point where you could die on the spot a happy man because you know that you love and are believed to be loved to a level that everything else in life is completely irrelevant and that you have no fear of the future because you have grown a love so strong that you know you can overcome anything because she is by your side. Then have everything torn away from you in an instant as if it didn't mean one f**king thing, and watch the pain and the hurt and the fear in your three kids's eyes which are a down pour of tears and they are shakeing from grief and confussion and she just sits there as if it doesn't even phase her. Then you can come and ask why everyone is so depressed. The answer is you have most likely never given everything and I mean everything to a relationship and built your life around a person and kids just to have it all destroyed.

 

Sorry for the rant...I am just in an anger phase atm.

 

Took me forever to get rid of all of that.

 

For along time I was hating life and everyone in it.

 

For someone who's never been through it?

 

There's no mutual point of reference? (Someone who's been married to the same person for thrity or forty years and never gone through divorce # 1)

 

Me? I understand!

[Gunny376]

So, I read the first post of this thread thinking many would respond the way I would, and they almost did. You're happy right? Great. ****ing glad for you, really I am. No sarcasm at all -- really happy for you.

 

As for me? Most people that visit this forum -- new and old, have read up on my story. I'm NOT "ok". I'm NOT able to "be happy with someone new", and I'm NOT even close to alright in my head. I'm not the only one -- and I don't even have children with my stbxw. This woman took my entire youth from me. Supported her for almost 6 years, had to drop out of college to support us, and stuck myself into a career that I HATE but paid well enough to keep us on our feet and allowed her to get into school again. What happens from there? Well obviously if I'm here -- nothing really good. Now, stuck with all of the bills/responsibilities of "our life" together -- while she gets to play the single life and has no bills/responsibilities at all anymore. Am I doing good? No. Would 'finding someone new' do me any good? No. I'm still stuck with this **** -- and those with children + these responsibilities have it even worse. They still have to see their former spouses -- have to speak with them.

 

Like I said before -- I'm happy for you. You 'moved on' in three months, glad your relationship with your former wife or whoever she was to you meant that much. However, I don't see many of us that post here actually 'enjoying' life that much so soon.

 

I got married when I was 22, twelve years later?

 

Now I'm 52 living in a college town, with about 6,000 students, over half of them early twenty something co-eds.

 

Everytime I go to WalMart these days?

 

I have to ask myself?

 

"WTF were you thinking?

 

I gave the best years of my youth to the XHEX. And she just cast them down like pearls before swine.

 

The really good news is I never re-maried again. I'm no longer dragging the XHEX of a dead horse around with me everywhere I go.

 

But it cost me, I paid through both the nose and the @zz.

[CBIIS1]

Ok, then. I was with her 26 years. She was a victim of incest. Her parents through her out a year after we started dating. I moved in with her out of guilt, but I loved her too. We married 4 years later. We had our first child 8 years later after she threatened to leave. She'd been threatning forever. When she snapped I jumped. We had a second child, 4 years later. She got a boob job and lost weight on my request. That really pissed her off. She would come back from work, her house was clean, supper on the table, footbath underneath, I'd give her massages, her hair color every month. Her family came back into the picture tenn years ago. They were number one, not I. I bitched. Then she had trouble with her eyes, a pacemaker (she nearly died) and after that it was downhill. Life was too short to live with me. She fell out of love and it was over. Good, all she did was bitch and all I did was trying to please her. She wasn't that good looking, she was 47, not intellectually curious one bit, her familly are crude trailer trash (incest). I suffered for years from anxiety because of the burden she was. I ended up in the hospital just like her sibling's spouses. She was never wrong, always me. Then she left and wrecked the family. She's never been able to see something through anyway. The kids have chosen to stay with me because mom is abusive with them, they're afraid of her. Am I happy without her , yes! Do I still feel for her, ya kinda. Would I take her back? I don't know how after she wished me dead. People can't believe how good I look for a guy who just got dumped. I have faith and I don't take life too seriously. My kids still adore me because I practically raised them by myself. I'm a model dad, really. I was a great husband. She told me I was 110% percent before she left, but, she was out of love. I think her head is messed up and she won't be able to love anyone again. Tough. Shge was damaged goods from the beginning. I tried but she quit, why beat myself up. My new girl is a young widow who loves me to death. I got lucky as hell as usual. I'm moving on because its the only rational thing to do. My heart longs for my ex's body but...its over and I accept it. For those of you that are hurting, I understand. I cried like a baby when she left, but it has to end somewhere and that's my choice. Keep yourself busy, do volunteer work, go out there, socialize and believe in yourself. You weren't the loser, the dumper was. Quitters pay the price in the end. The longer you mourn, the less time you have to be happy. I spent time in a psyche ward because of that little bitch. I didn't realize it until I got out and my friends pointed it out. They could see why I was suffering. The funny thing is, she's the one trying to convince people she was the victim. She can't fool her own kids. I just told her I still love her after three months, she smirked, I lied. That smirk told me everything. I feel sorry for my wife. Her life was messed up by her brother and her parents (who are first cousins). She made a bad partner choice and now is to become a 47 year old divorce with a pacemaker and vericose veins. She had a marriage, but it wasn't TV perfect and she left it. Her best friend runs the whole show for her. She's confused but she sure as hell won't turn around. She owes $30000, she bad mouths me to everyone and her pride has painted her in a corner. Her parents are pissed at her because they barely see the kids anymore. What a farce. I'm moving on, she's nothing but trouble and I have to give my heart to someone else. I wasn't perfect, none of us are, but the widow loves me to death. Its uncanny how similar her husband and I are. This was pre-ordained and I know it. I'm going with it. I'm happy with her.

[Aksion]

I normally read most posts through -- but I didn't bother to read your entire last post CBI.

 

You may have a good reason to have moved on after a few months -- and nobody here is condemning you for doing so. Yet, you really shouldn't come here and question why anyone that is posting on this portion of these forums is 'depressed' or 'upset'.

 

I loved my wife. Did I take her for granted at times? Probably. Yet I know that I hate life w/o her every day that passes.

 

You may be fine, but don't judge those of us that are still hurting just because you have found a way to be 'happy' so soon.