Why is everyone so depressed in here?

[CBIIS1]

No I'm not judging anyone. Its just I would like to tell you all that I use to hang on to things forever and then I realized that change is going to happen no matter what you try to do. I couldn't stop any of this from happening, none of you really could. Don't take it so hard, it wasn't all your fault and get up on your feet ASAP. Life's to short.

[Gunny376]

Well that's 'news' we could've used.

 

With an X like you described, it wouldn't have taken me as long as it did you to get over her ~ something like 30.45 nano-seconds.

 

Glad your doing so much better.

 

But as I said?

 

Divorces are all the same ~ but they're all different. Just as people are.

[Gunny376]

No I'm not judging anyone. Its just I would like to tell you all that I use to hang on to things forever and then I realized that change is going to happen no matter what you try to do. I couldn't stop any of this from happening, none of you really could. Don't take it so hard, it wasn't all your fault and get up on your feet ASAP. Life's to short.

 

Agreeded, its that with your initial post..........................

 

It came across like putting a band aide on a gapping wound.

 

You didn't provide the Hell you went through with the X?

[tojaz]

No I'm not judging anyone. Its just I would like to tell you all that I use to hang on to things forever and then I realized that change is going to happen no matter what you try to do. I couldn't stop any of this from happening, none of you really could. Don't take it so hard, it wasn't all your fault and get up on your feet ASAP. Life's to short.

 

CB, first, sorry your marriage went the way it did. You have every right to feel the way you do about it and i fully agree your better off. The part folks here took issue with is that not everyones marriage was like that. Some were blindsided by seemingly good spouses, some were used or betrayed, and others just found themselves suddenly alone. This is a place full of fragile hearts and needs to be treated as such. A little careful wording and sensitivity to the situations of others is called for, even if some of the advice is sound. A blanket statement such as "Why are you all so depressed?" cuts already fresh wounds to the bone for most of the people here, and a message of get over it is not likely to be well accepted. Welcome to LS and i hope you continue to post and share your story and benefit from others, but I also hope you can respect what I and others have said here. Caring and support is the meaning of this place and why so many of us find comfort here or try to provide it for others.

TOJAZ

[JaneDoe35]

Well if my husband had been anything like your wife CB, it would have been a blessing to see the back of him to be honest.

 

You have been through hell and I am so pleased that you have found happiness. You deserve it.

 

I think for most of us on here it was such a shock when our spouses were caught cheating and/or left. Personally my husband and I were 'happy'. Well we certainly gave that impression to the outside world anyway!!! He just forgot to tell me he was having issues...

 

I would give almost anything to be where you are after 3 months but it is just not possible.

 

Good luck with your new lady!!!

[Logik]

Someone who is able to recover quicker will have a better grip on their emotions. I think it's also about how we deal with things in our heads, how we manage the memories. Yes, we still love our former spouse and yes, it was for life, but they're gone and it's not for life any more. Mourning is a natural and essential process when faced with loss. The mourning period will last however long it takes for us to get to grips with the situation we're in. It's how long it takes to get to the acceptance phase. Some go quicker and some go slower.

 

I don't think that someone who gets over a divorce quicker felt less for their spouse than someone who take longer. It's not about how much we felt for the person, it's about how comfortable we are with ourselves and how we deal with the feeling of rejection and loss. It's also whether we're willing to accept what has happened and move forward with what we've been given. It's the whole "life gives you lemons, make lemonade" theory, or if you don't know how to make decent lemonade, get the salt and tequila!

 

I think it's a matter of emotional "fitness". How we deal with what we're feeling. A person in better shape will run a marathon easier and quicker than an unfit person. The same applies here. Maybe the OP was a bit bit insensitive with the way the post was worded, but I can see where it's coming from.

 

Edit: Sorry to hear about your situation OP. Good on you for moving on like you are. I wrote this post before I read through everything...

Edited November 3, 2009 by Logik

[JaneDoe35]

Someone who is able to recover quicker will have a better grip on their emotions. I think it's also about how we deal with things in our heads, how we manage the memories. Yes, we still love our former spouse and yes, it was for life, but they're gone and it's not for life any more. Mourning is a natural and essential process when faced with loss. The mourning period will last however long it takes for us to get to grips with the situation we're in. It's how long it takes to get to the acceptance phase. Some go quicker and some go slower.

 

I don't think that someone who gets over a divorce quicker felt less for their spouse than someone who take longer. It's not about how much we felt for the person, it's about how comfortable we are with ourselves and how we deal with the feeling of rejection and loss. It's also whether we're willing to accept what has happened and move forward with what we've been given. It's the whole "life gives you lemons, make lemonade" theory, or if you don't know how to make decent lemonade, get the salt and tequila!

 

I think it's a matter of emotional "fitness". How we deal with what we're feeling. A person in better shape will run a marathon easier and quicker than an unfit person. The same applies here. Maybe the OP was a bit bit insensitive with the way the post was worded, but I can see where it's coming from.

 

Edit: Sorry to hear about your situation OP. Good on you for moving on like you are.

 

Unfortunately for me I never prepared myself emotionally for anything like this to ever happen. I was always regarded as a 'strong woman' by other's. And I thought I was strong too. I was always very optimistic. Now I have learnt that the 'emotional fitness' you mention is vital and I will work towards getting mentally fit.

[Logik]

Unfortunately for me I never prepared myself emotionally for anything like this to ever happen. I was always regarded as a 'strong woman' by other's. And I thought I was strong too. I was always very optimistic. Now I have learnt that the 'emotional fitness' you mention is vital and I will work towards getting mentally fit.

 

Most people aren't prepared for this because they thought it wouldn't happen. Your marriage was for life. Nobody prepares themselves to be walked out on when they're married. That's why you feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. The trick is learning to stand up again. The mourning process is about learning to do this. Life goes on, whether we wish to participate or not. Our spouses are continuing to live, why shouldn't we?

 

Once you've dealt with the raw emotions that you're feeling now, you will emerge a stronger woman. It's difficult now, but that's life. Strength comes from continually exercising our weak points, and that's what you're doing. You will get through this and be stronger because of it.

[JaneDoe35]

Most people aren't prepared for this because they thought it wouldn't happen. Your marriage was for life. Nobody prepares themselves to be walked out on when they're married. That's why you feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. The trick is learning to stand up again. The mourning process is about learning to do this. Life goes on, whether we wish to participate or not. Our spouses are continuing to live, why shouldn't we?

 

Once you've dealt with the raw emotions that you're feeling now, you will emerge a stronger woman. It's difficult now, but that's life. Strength comes from continually exercising our weak points, and that's what you're doing. You will get through this and be stronger because of it.

 

 

You are right, I will be stronger in the future...just wish I could hit the fast forward button on my life. Terrible to wish time away. I know we all need to feel this pain in order to become stronger. But when will it ever end? Had enough now. Don't want to do this anymore!!!

 

Today though a lady arrived at work looking sad. I asked if she was ok and she told me that her best friend of 27 years had died of cancer last night at 42 years old leaving behind a husband and two children aged 5 & 8. Made me stop and think and when I think about it now.....how blessed am I to be able to go into my daughter's bedroom tomorrow morning and have her look up at me and tell me that she loves me???

[LonelyTiger]

It may well be true that some people are stronger emotionally than others but that doesn't take away from the fact that all relationships are different.

 

The same person (with exactly the same emotional strength) can have 2, 3, 4.... any number of intimate relationships in a lifetime and each time they have to 'get over' someone will take a different length of time depending on a number of factors.

 

How long they have known the person

How long they have been in an intimate relationship with them

How long they have been in a committed relationship with them

How 'good' or 'bad' that relationship was

How deep, or how intense, the relationship was

The reason for that relationship ending

The length of time that it took to end ie gradual or sudden

The support network available

The financial situation of both parties

Whether or not children are involved and how old the children are

The ages of the people involved

The opportunities and options available for moving on

 

In short, what I'm saying is that relationships are never clear cut and their endings are even less so.

 

None of us on this forum knows exactly what each other is experiencing and nor does it matter. We are all in pain and we are all at different stages of recovery. What we all need, what I think we are all here for, is support and empathy from each other.

 

For those who have already moved on, however you achieved it, you are lucky. All the rest of us ask is for a little understanding and consideration of our feelings. We all know what the rule books say about relationship recovery, we know we need to stay busy, make new friends, take up new hobbies etc etc, and of course, the shorter the period of pain the better for us all. But everyone's wounds heal at a different pace and to ensure full recovery we have to let things take their course.

 

You can't rip a dressing from a bleeding wound until the blood has properly clotted because the bleeding will start all over again. If your blood clots quickly, I envy you. Mine clearly doesn't and I have no intention of ripping off the dressing until I know the wound is healed and the bleeding has stopped.

[FeelingLonely98]

CB - now that I know the "WHOLE" story - I see how you were able to just be over it in such a short period of time. Myself I'm moving quickly, for different reasons. (Most know my pathetic story - 47 yr old STBXW leaves good M to be with an 18 yr old boy!) However, I still feel like I love her in some manner, but I'm resigned to moving forward without her. I need to protect myself & my sons. AND she says she wants nothing out of this but her "freedom". Even after the D I am not sure how long before my feelings have subsided enough for me to be "OKAY"? (Maybe never?)

 

PEACE!

Edited November 4, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[2.50 a gallon]

CB

 

Everybody on here was like you cruising down the freeway of live and love, when they crashed and burned.

 

In your case you had a sense that the wheels might come off at any time.

 

Most everybody else on this board had little or no idea that they had a a problem with the wheels until they flipped and now find themselves upside down and lost in the middle of a mine field, in the middle of the night, without a flash light.

 

They have been blindsided and betrayed by the love of their life, their very best and most trusted friend, they are beyond hurt and had no one to turn too, until they found friends here. Yes it is a sad place, but it is also very loving, total strangers are reaching out and helping each other find away out of the minefield.

 

You are one of the lucky ones, to have found a path, others are just begining and the light of day is months and maybe years ahead.

 

I was one of the lucky ones, I only lasted six months, not years or decades. I did not have any children and did not have to watch with horror the pain that the helpless little ones are experiencing.

 

In order to survive, like you I immediately got back into the dating game, and had numerous girl friends and affairs, over the next decade. I have always been picky, and my partners were always on a scale of 8 or above. Many of my married buddies envied me. There was just no way that they could have understood how LONELY I was. I would have gladly traded in miss April, to have found that special woman I could have shared the rest of my life with.

 

Indeed you are one of the lucky ones to have found the path so quickly, and I truly hope you never find yourself in the shoes that so many on this board are wearing.

Edited November 4, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

CB

 

Everybody on here was like you cruising down the freeway of live and love, when they crashed and burned.

 

In your case you had a sense that the wheels might come off at any time.

 

Most everybody else on this board had little or no idea that they had a a problem with the wheels until they flipped and now find themselves upside down and lost in the middle of a mine field, in the middle of the night, without a flash light.

 

They have been blindsided by the love of their life, their very best and most trusted friend, they are beyond hurt and had no one to turn too, until they found friends here. Yes it is a sad place, but it is also very loving, total strangers are reaching out and helping each other find away out of the minefield.

 

You are one of the lucky ones, to have found a path, others are just begining and the light of day is months and maybe years ahead.

 

I was one of the lucky ones, I only lasted six months, not years or decades. I did not have any children and did not have to watch with horror the pain that the helpless little ones are experiencing.

 

In order to survive, like you I immediately got back into the dating game, and had numerous girl friends and affairs, over the next decade. I have always been picky, and my partners were always on a scale of 8 or above. Many of my married buddies envied me. There was just no way that they could have understood how LONELY I was. I would have gladly traded in miss April, to have found that special woman I could have shared the rest of my life with.

 

Indeed you are one of the lucky ones to have found the path so quickly, and I truly hope you never find yourself in the shoes that so many on this board are wearing.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well put!

To the OP, it would be a pretty cold and unfeeling world (more so than it already is) if we just acted like we didn't care after we get our hearts broken, pretended it didn't hurt and then quickly moved onto the next relationship or one night stand or whatever.

If you don't like this site why come here, go and find a nice jolly site instead:p

 

 

 

I am in one of the anger swings of my rollercoaster. So I apologize if this comes across strong. I am only starting the 5th week since my stbxw left. If only 3 months is all it took. When and if you ever get to the point in your life where you are at perfect peace and happiness with your wife, to the point where you could die on the spot a happy man because you know that you love and are believed to be loved to a level that everything else in life is completely irrelevant and that you have no fear of the future because you have grown a love so strong that you know you can overcome anything because she is by your side. Then have everything torn away from you in an instant as if it didn't mean one f**king thing, and watch the pain and the hurt and the fear in your three kids's eyes which are a down pour of tears and they are shakeing from grief and confussion and she just sits there as if it doesn't even phase her. Then you can come and ask why everyone is so depressed. The answer is you have most likely never given everything and I mean everything to a relationship and built your life around a person and kids just to have it all destroyed.

 

Sorry for the rant...I am just in an anger phase atm.