My Mom seems distant with me...

[dennisflorida]

Hello everyone. Posting about my Mother. She lives in another state, but i do see her maybe 1-2 times a year when she comes to visit other family and me.

 

I notice that when I talk to her on the phone, she's alert but after a while she starts kind of tuning out, like she's not really paying attention to me 100% i get alot of "uh, huh''...''mmm''...''wow'', but all kind of monotone, focused on something else kind of thing.

 

Why does she do that? I always "call your(my) mother" as they say. I always listen to how her day is going, what she has to say, then when it comes time for her to listen to what i have to say, she's alert for the first 30 seconds to a minute, then she's zoned. She's can also be quick to let me go too...she'll ask "are you on your lunch break?" i say yes...she says

"o.k., i'll let you go so you can enjoy lunch, o.k. you take care and we'll be talking to you..." But it's not putting me out or wasting my time, i'm on my break.

 

anyway. I may be reading too much into it. I guess since i'm 30, she doesn't need to be all in my business and know everything i'm doing or up to...But i feel like If "I" didn't call her, i'd never hear from her.

[Ronni_W]

I do get what you're saying. But would it be accurate that some part of your brain has started questioning whether or not you mom still loves you / likes you / cares about you as much as she used to? Is it wondering whether there is something or someone that has replaced, or is busy replacing, you? (I'd suggest that is not the case but, once the mind gets hold of an idea, however outlandish, you really gotta take charge of the crazy-making thoughts.)

 

When was the last time you visited in person, and did you perceive her to be emotionally distant from you then? And of course, it is possible that you're not calling her at times that are convenient for her. Do you check that at the start of a call, or when she goes 'missing' half-way through? Knowing when not to call - and not calling at those times - is as important as calling when it is a "good time" to do so.

 

It seems that you are not comfortable expressing your feelings, perceptions, concerns, fears, needs and preferences to your mom(?) -- which, of course, is you being emotionally distant with, and unavailable to, her! [so] Maybe it is that you BOTH are giving each other an impression of disinterest and diminishing love, concern and caring?

 

I would suggest: Speak with her; tell her you're not 'feeling the love' with the phone calls; brainstorm alternatives - email, IM, online games. Maybe you've (both) just run out of 'chit-chat'...maybe your relationship is begging for deeper, more meaningful dialogue (the kind where one has to take some risks and become emotionally intimate.)

[dennisflorida]

ya know, you hit on a lot of good points and i appreciate it. i hate "wondering" and dacing around subjects and yeah, i'm guilty of not expressing my feelings and just letting things slide. In a lot of ways I don't want to offend my Mom or confront her because deep down i still look for that approval of me from her.

 

I do come from a family where you Call you Mother and YOU visit your Mom, not the other way around. YOU visit your grandparents, they don't come to you and i've had resentment towards that because My GF's family isn't that way and most of my friend's familys aren't like that. A lot of my peer's parents usually have parents that are all up in their business.

My Grandmother or Mom seem like they could go for days and days even months without contacting me or seeing what i'm up to.

 

 

anyway, i plan from now on to be the BIGGER one. I won't read into silly gestures so much and I hope to be able to speak my mind to my Mom and those who matter most.