Do any of you think you have taken on the traits of your abuser?

[lilbelle]

I'm just asking because, I think I might have become emotionally abusive like he was. I can't explain it really but it hinders me from getting close to anyone. I feel like I can't communicate anymore. Does anyone else have this problem?

[deux ex machina]

...Does anyone else have this problem?

 

Not especially, no. I understood him more than anyone has, on a visceral level - which did freak him out/intrigue him. It's why he wanted to keep me. And yes, I said "keep me" for a reason.

 

I'm pretty wounded by the experience, when you are in pain you are temporarily more selfish by necessity, so in a sense yes - yet I don't think that is what you're getting at.

 

No, I couldn't abuse anyone quite the same way he could. Kind of where we parted ways. I have the capacity to, I understand it, but I wouldn't do it.

 

 

I'm just asking because, I think I might have become emotionally abusive like he was.

 

In what ways do you believe you have become like he was?

 

 

I can't explain it really but it...

 

Oh yes you can. One of the things about being mindf*cked over a period of time is you start to doubt your perceptions. Totally get it, and no it won't be quite what it was for a bit, but explain as best you can right now.

 

What you see really matters. You do count, you know.

 

 

...hinders me from getting close to anyone.

 

How long have been free of this man? Are you still healing, love?

 

 

...I feel like I can't communicate anymore...

 

You will build trust in yourself again.

The hurt in the moment can certainly feel like forever, but that isn't objectively true.

 

You get angry and defensive "ahead of time" when you have to communicate with someone?

Edited November 2, 2009 by deux ex machina

[lilbelle]

Not especially, no. I understood him more than anyone has, on a visceral level - which did freak him out/intrigue him. It's why he wanted to keep me. And yes, I said "keep me" for a reason.

 

I'm pretty wounded by the experience, when you are in pain you are temporarily more selfish by necessity, so in a sense yes - yet I don't think that is what you're getting at.

 

No, I couldn't abuse anyone quite the same way he could. Kind of where we parted ways. I have the capacity to, I understand it, but I wouldn't do it.

 

 

 

 

In what ways do you believe you have become like he was?

 

 

Well, I thought I was over this or at least healed. I mean I have had therapy, meds, and we were apart for 8 months with no contact at all. We can just now speak again as friends but the pain is still there and I can nevver forgive him even thouh I know he has a disease. It just that I finally met this great guy and I think I must have sent some very mean texts to him. Regardless after the break up with the great guy I am now pulling back all these memories of the abuser and his abuse and those feelings are coming back and I feel like I'm abusing myself. I can't get out, I can't function. It's like I'm back at square one.

 

I am positive I said things I should have never said to this man and I know I didn't mean them at all and that is not me. Somehow I have picked up those traits from him, not so much the abuse but the trait of sharp toungue and intentional hurt. I want to fix this but I don't know how. I can't afford to go back to therapy right now.

 

 

 

 

Oh yes you can. One of the things about being mindf*cked over a period of time is you start to doubt your perceptions. Totally get it, and no it won't be quite what it was for a bit, but explain as best you can right now.

 

What you see really matters. You do count, you know.

 

 

 

 

How long have been free of this man? Are you still healing, love?

 

I have been officially divorced 2 months. Met dreamy the same week. Fell in love with him. The abuser had been out of my life almost completely other than very limited contact and divorce and finance issues for over a year. He still holds a loan over me for the next year and he finds excuses to speak to me. One day he called and said he had some stuff for me and wanted to come over. I refused to let him in my apartment and he got upset but he knows why. I guess I am healing, I have severe trust issues and I think that is what caused the break up with dreamy which really bothers me because he is such a great guy. I just don't know how to explain these issues to him. I don't want him to think I'm crazy or unstable. i've just been severly abused by a man I gave my all too. But now he won't even speak to me. He hates me I think.

 

 

 

You will build trust in yourself again.

The hurt in the moment can certainly feel like forever, but that isn't objectively true.

 

You get angry and defensive "ahead of time" when you have to communicate with someone?

 

Yes, I'm getting very angry then bouts of depression. It's like I can't stop it. I don't know why, I am a very strong woman. I just want to move on and be happy. I would give anything to be happy.

[lilbelle]

Yes, I'm getting very angry then bouts of depression. It's like I can't stop it. I don't know why, I am a very strong woman. I just want to move on and be happy. I would give anything to be happy.

 

 

Something happened to the post, quotes didn't work out

[chelseyjealousy]

welll.... i was abused... by a guy alongggggg time ago both emotionally and physically. its hard to say... ill smack my boyfriend now playfully and say mean things thinking im funnyyy... am i just doing to him what was done to me ;/:confused:

[AliveAndKicking]

If you lie down with dogs you're bound to catch fleas...

 

I picked up a few of my emotionally abusive ex's traits such as yelling and cussing back at her instead of turning and walking away as I normally do. Many times I allowed myself to get caught up in the chaos. I really let myself down in that way. Ugh... I'm grateful, though, that it's not permament and I'm back to my usual laid-back self.

 

I intentionally acted like her a few times so that she would get a taste of her own medicine. I was hoping that she might understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of it. It didn't work and frankly it was foolish on my part. If a relationship is so bad that I have to resort to that kind of nonsense it's WAY too late and WAY too dysfunctional.

 

I'm learning a lot from this relationship but it comes at such a high cost. I've got a looooong way to go but I have faith that I WILL make it.

[sugarmomma]

Belle it may have been too soon to get into another r. I was abused and didn't completely heal and became abusive towards my ex husband. You have to become educated about the different types of abuse and what a healthy r looks like. Another poster said that you will learn totrust yourself and that is necessary in order to trust other people. Why are you dating if you have trust issues. Take some time and heal from the damage that was done to you. You will save yourself a lot of broken r in the future. Iwish I had. I am no longer abusive to people and I am so aware of when a man is trying to control or manipulate me because I used to be that person. If a man shows me that he is deliberately hurtful, I start my process of detaching or just let go completely if I am not emotionally invested. That has been my biggest clue. Iwish you the best and PM me anytime.

[Woggle]

I have never been physically abusive but there is no doubt I have taken on the traits of women who have abused me in the past. It is a sick way of protecting myself by becoming like them.

[Boundary Problem]

I have never been physically abusive but there is no doubt I have taken on the traits of women who have abused me in the past. It is a sick way of protecting myself by becoming like them.

 

 

Yes pretty much here as well.

 

When I get tired of someone's behaviour I tend to become bitchy.

 

People don't understand why I'm being bitchy because I tend to be slow to anger.

 

So by the time I get b-tchy they don't understand why I'm upset.

[Peaceful Guy]

I'm just asking because, I think I might have become emotionally abusive like he was. I can't explain it really but it hinders me from getting close to anyone. I feel like I can't communicate anymore. Does anyone else have this problem?

 

a little.. i think people can pick up the personality traits of others sometimes to appease them, or their anger, or whatever.. so with an emotional abuser, you might have picked up a few patterns as sort of defense mechanisms while you were in the relationship that hung around after..

 

like, i had this friend, who would act like a real angry dickhole.. sometimes i find myself saying jokes "in his voice", if that makes any sense.. the kind of jokes that would make him not be so angry at me.. but i can hear it when i do it.. if anyone's around, i say "sorry, that's ridiculous", or just "sorry".. not sure if anyone really cares, but that's been my way of relearning to be myself..

 

and that's what i think you're/we're going for, and that's what i think we lose in abusive relationships.. part of our true selves or essence or happiness (however you want to look at it) ..and yes, i do think a crap friendship can count as emotional abuse.. hope that helps!

 

p.s. you CAN do it!

[Devil Inside]

I'm just asking because, I think I might have become emotionally abusive like he was. I can't explain it really but it hinders me from getting close to anyone. I feel like I can't communicate anymore. Does anyone else have this problem?

 

It could be that this experience made you have some deep trust and security issues and you have adopted these behaviors as a defensive mechanism to keep people away. This allows you to stay out of a vulnerable position. It is a wall of sorts.

 

This wall definitely serves it's purpose of protecting you, however, it is dysfunctional in that it is liable to hurt those around you. Have you sought some therapy in the wake of this relationship? It could go a long way. It would help you with restoring some of your self worth and ability to develop the capacity for trust and intimacy again.

 

Good luck. Be gentle with yourself. If you need support...you know where to find us.