CuriousKitty Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Hi, Have been seeing this guy for 9 months. First person we've both met we're we feel understood, a connection etc. We both 27. He has been deciding whether to return to the homeland he's cherished or be with me in a country he doesn't like... Until he can come to a decision and his life is less stressful, he will not commit to 'us' and our future, although he saw the children, marriage and long-term future... All this time, I have been impatiently pressuring him with where he is at on it. It has pushed him away. He now feels he cannot have me beside him and make his decision clearly. He wants to 'sort out his life' (has been a traumatic year for him - said I was the only good thing to come along at first)... Now all I seem to be is someone who questions all the time and he can't see the bright things he saw for us so clearly anymore... Have I pushed him away? Is he giving me the brush off? He said last night I haven't destroyed things completely for us. He always said 'just have faith and be happy that we're together today'... I foolishly kept being impatient (it has been nine months!) Should I still have faith? Spoke to him tonight and he got worked up by my further questioning on whether he wants me to give him time. So confused and hurting, your feedback is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 It seems as though he's willing to stay with you as long as the relationship is good and not under pressure...till he decides whether or not to go back to the country of his origin. Without knowing him, it's hard to guess what his final position will be. I would think if he were ready to make any long term plans....he would have asked you to go back to his homeland with him. Since he didn't suggest that option...I would think he really isn't ready at this time to make a committment to you. It's up to you if you want to continue to date him until he leaves. He may have a change of heart....then again, he could leave you quite broken hearted. Link to post Share on other sites
Regulus Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 At least he is being honest and upfront with you about everything. You never want to pressure anyone into staying somewhere they don't want to be. It's bound to cause problems later on because they will always feel bitter that you were the one that made them stay. I've had similar situations where everything was absolutely perfect, except that one person wanted to live where I have no ties or have any desire to live. (in the same country no less) It's a no win situation because someone is going to have to sacrifice. Looking back, I'm glad those relationships ended because I knew after the "honeymoon" period was over, I would never truly be happy. I would let him have his space and figure it out on his own, without your intervention. I would still be nervous even if he decided to stay. People's love for their country never dies and it would always be an issue later down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
CuriousKitty Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Hi there, Thanks for your feedback... Arabess - just to clarify - the island from which he comes is deeply involved in their spirituality and ancestory. Any member who fails to marry within their culture is immediately outcasted from their ancestory. His home is sooo important to him, because it's important to him, it's also important to me.. His reason to return would be due to wanting to contribute to his culture rather than be outcasted... It's not an easy decision for him to make... And I have not meant to question him... Imagine a child who knows she's gotten what she wants for Christmas... Although it seems impatient, her eyes light up, she jumps up and down, she rubs her hands with glee and smiles at what she has found... My questioning was never meant to be seen as being negative or impatient. I was that child. Thank you also Regulus for your feedback.. I agree that he shouldn't be pushed...I'm greatful that he's honest at where he's at... He always has been... Will try to give him space and am in agreeance with what you have said... He needs to come to his decision alone... Poor baby, hope it works out for him... Truly feel this one is a soul mate, but nonetheless, what will b will b... It's heartbreaking but understable... Thank u again... CuriousKitty Link to post Share on other sites
princess75 Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Hi! I will give you only one advice, let him free. Even if ti hurts you right now, let him be free. I have gone through it myself, and i was always there for him, but afte 2 years he has become totally confused and drastically broken up and gone with another gal (whom he is not going to marry at all) Best thing is let him free, and if he chooses to contact you ..let him do so, but dont let him see you are 100% ther for him, you can understand him and talk to him as friends...but think what you really want in the end. Thin kwhy you chose a boy who wont commit to you? Are you ready for something serious? Think in those terms. But then, I would also listen to your own hert, each experience is different..maybe you can ask him what he wants from you in which form he wants you to be there. Does he want you to hang around, does he want you to be jsut friends... ? WEll good luck...I am still trying to work min out.altohugh I have almost lost him Link to post Share on other sites
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