Horrible X back in town, I hate him but why is my heart so nervous? Help!!

[LoveVsHate]

My X and I had a horrible relationship, from the start there where all kinds of problems. We fell in love so fast, we moved in together only 1 month after meeting and lived 2gether (off & on) for the next 3yrs. He constantly cheated on me but I never had the proof so I kept trying to hold on to the relationship, it was lies after lies...I was so dumb when I was with him, I was so blind.

 

It was like he was two different people, at home he was so loving. He cooked, he cleaned, he treated my daughter like his own, and always pampered me....My God, he was such a good man in the house, he treated my daughter and I like two little princesses.

 

It was when he went out that was the problem, he'd shut off his phone, he'd try to hide all evidence of what he did out side the home but I would find #'s in his shoes and other weird places. When I confronted him about this he would say that these where just friends, people he did business with and that I have nothing to worry about, he'd even go as far as telling these girls that they are nothing and not to call him again, to stop making trouble in his relationship, that he loved me but I could always tell that this was a complete shock to these girls. I stayed b/c I loved him so much and I really didn't have concrete evidence of what was really going on....I was just so blinded, why didn't these girls just speak up against him when he lied in their faces to save the relationship w/ me I don't know but it led me to believe that he was telling the truth.

 

Well long story short, eventually I found out the truth. I met one of the girls.....she is 17 (I'm 25, he is 23) and I met their new born baby, he looked just like him there was no denying it no matter how badly I wanted too. This was the end of the line for me, I finally got the proof I needed.....I left him for good but I was crushed, devastated and humiliated!

 

So this guy was out of town for about 8 months, since the day I left him but know he is back. We live only a few blocks from each other, the girl lives a block from my house......I'm so scared I'll see them together even though he isn't with her and has always maintained that he wants nothing w/ her (he told her in front of me in attempt to save our relationship but I wasn't hearing it). I know him, he's not the type to be alone and he'll hang on to what ever girl will let him and she is so naive she'll probably go for it even after he humiliated her but what ever my fear is of seeing him in general w/ her or w/out.

 

b/t/w he wrote me a letter for my B-day last Monday, in it he said he wished he could turn back time so that all would be right between us. He apologized and said I'd always be a part of him and he'd always be a part of me and finished by saying that "he'll see me soon"......now I know what he meant....

 

My feelings about this situation (so many months later) are still so fresh, so raw! I'm afraid if I see him I'll just break down or I don't know what.....just hearing that he's back makes my stomach cringe.....I fear him so much b/c for some reason my heart still pounds at the thought of him, I just loved him so much, my feelings for him where so real and I'm not sure what's going on in my heart...I'm so hurt, mad, scared and confused all at once......Why?

 

Why am I going crazy? Why do I still love him after so long when he doesn't even deserve it! I should hate him but I know deep inside I still love him.....but I hate him.....I would never let him back in, I'm not dumb anymore and after all this time my eyes are open wide, I'm no longer blind yet this friggin feeling wont go away...help! I think I'm going crazy.

[Arabess]

Love and Hate are as closely related in love as Love and Jealousy.

 

Don't let your unresolved feelings of still trying to 'make him yours' blind the fact that he didn't treat you right the first time....and chances are, he won't treat you right this time either. Maybe he feels remorse and misses you....but now he is doing the same thing to the mother of his baby that he did to you. He hasn't changed....you've just shifted from being the doormat at home to another "conquest" of his.

 

You'll probably end up giving him another chance though....and you'll probably end up regretting it.

[LoveVsHate]

No I wont! I've already decided that...I know he's no good....it's just these damned feelings....

 

I feel like recovering drug addict w/ $20 in my hand contemplating that last hit! But I know better...it's just a battle in my head, I wont give in.

 

Oh it's just crazy these feelings...I just don't understand why I feel like this....I mean I do hate him....