No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[frustrated_one]

I don't know how to feel about this post. In many ways, my husband and I are in a simular situation, except I'm the health nut ( except for my ice cream issue) who exercizes and he's the couch potato. I love him and wouldn't stop having sex with him because of his weight gain. I worry about his health more than I worry about having to take care of him. At the same time, it does bother me that he eats so much junk and doesn't work out at least a little. I've talked to him gently about it, but if he doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to change. It's a fustrating situation.

 

You are right, it is a frustrating situation. Sounds like you have not cut him off and he doesn't feel like he is backed into a corner. I do not have junk food in the house. I do not like candy. My husband is kind of a food natzi so we don't eat bread or pasta. I think this is where my problem started . . . he was so strict about these things that I would eat out while on the road. If I wanted a baked potato from Wendy's I would get it. If I wanted a slice of pizza or a chicken sandwich or burger, I would get them while I was out because it's certainly not sanctioned to be in the house.

[Mr. Lucky]

Very unfair! My weight IS NOT about him.

Then why is your inability to lose weight about him? Many of your posts have been about how his attitude and actions have affected you and kept you from making the progress you desire. What's the difference ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[frustrated_one]

Well, no. It's not. But if you look at it from a perspective of ANY reason a relationship may go south due to something one partner is or is not doing, it might help make it more understandable. Like I said before, what if your H suddenly quit bathing? What if he suddenly quit his job and said, "You find a way to pay all the bills." Keeping ourselves attractive (and I don't mean like a Barbie or Ken doll) for each other is a responsibility that should not be taken lightly by either partner, just as the other responsibilities involved in a relationship/partnership.

 

One aspect of a healthy relationship is a healthy sexual appetite for one another. Your H's appetite has decreased as your weight has increased. He cannot help feeling how he feels. He cannot help being NOT attracted to his woman after a 50 lb weight increase. I agree he could have been less hurtful about the way he pushed you away. But how long had this weight issue been between you by that time? He may have been VERY frustrated by then. There is so much passive/aggressive stuff going on between you two over this now, and that is SO not good.

 

Not bathing is NOT the same as having a food addiction. As such {which I believe I am} it's not like going "cold turkey" is an option. When you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you can go cold turkey - not easy but that is possible. Not so with food. You have got to have it in order to survive.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with jja... what if he stop taking care of himself..

 

The 'till death do us part' is bull... the partner OWES it to the other to take care of themselves..

 

It is a lot of work to stay fit ... but it's part of the work needed for a healthy relationship.

 

OP.. lose the weight.. period.. I know it's not easy.. but it's been done before.. you just don't seem to have the 'will' to do it.. you want your H to accept the fact that you don't want to do anything about it..

 

If I were your H.. I would be pissed.. honestly... I'm sure he sees it too.. you don't want to put the effort to get in shape... that's THE problem..

 

If you don't take yourself seriously.. he will get someone fit outside the M... why do you think so many men cheat... because their W stop making the efforts..

 

You can't say that he's not doing his share.. he gets up in the morning.. he exercices.. he eats healthy... it must be extremely frustrating for him..

He doesn't like overweight women.. that's his preference..and not much you can do about it..

 

When you marry you were fit.. you didn't gain all that weight overnight..

[frustrated_one]

Then why is your inability to lose weight about him? Many of your posts have been about how his attitude and actions have affected you and kept you from making the progress you desire. What's the difference ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

HE is a complicating factor.

 

It has always been hard for me to lose/maintain weight. Now he comes along and puts the "if you cared about me you'd lose weight" spin on it . . . So, in addition to having all the issues I had before he was in the picture, I have his s#^* to deal with. Now his attitude, judgment, and his rejection just heap more crap on me that is just overwhelming! Piling on is not legal in the NFL and it shouldn't be in marriage, yet that's exactly how I feel.

[Lizzie60]

Not bathing is NOT the same as having a food addiction. As such {which I believe I am} it's not like going "cold turkey" is an option. When you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you can go cold turkey - not easy but that is possible. Not so with food. You have got to have it in order to survive.

 

 

It's sooo easy.. you just cut the junk food... you eat lots of veggies and fruits.. you exercise every day.... you can survive with healthy food.. trust me.. you can.. :rolleyes:

[Lizzie60]

HE is a complicating factor.

 

It has always been hard for me to lose/maintain weight. Now he comes along and puts the "if you cared about me you'd lose weight" spin on it . . . So, in addition to having all the issues I had before he was in the picture, I have his s#^* to deal with. Now his attitude, judgment, and his rejection just heap more crap on me that is just overwhelming! Piling on is not legal in the NFL and it shouldn't be in marriage, yet that's exactly how I feel.

 

 

Hum... easier to put all the guilt on him.. instead of taking your weight in and at the same token.. your health... it's HIS fault .. NOT mine.. geezzz this is tooooo easy.. really.

[frustrated_one]

Hum... easier to put all the guilt on him.. instead of taking your weight in and at the same token.. your health... it's HIS fault .. NOT mine.. geezzz this is tooooo easy.. really.

 

He's the one who is making it an issue. In the past whenever I have gotten to the tipping point, I have been motivated and lost the weight.

[Juniper22]

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised SOME people haven't said for you or your H to seek sex elsewhere if you weren't getting it from him or if he didn't want it from you. Yes, there are some people who do put that as a option/suggestion to some who aren't getting any sex. Am I suggesting it? Nope because I don't think thats the answer, just surprised some haven't.

[Lizzie60]

He's the one who is making it an issue. In the past whenever I have gotten to the tipping point, I have been motivated and lost the weight.

 

 

Why, all of a sudden, you have lost the motivation?...

 

Come on.. let's say he wouldn't say anything about your weight.. you would have lost the weight.. HONESTLY.. you didn't for the last few years.. why wouldn't you now? You can't fool me dear..

[Juniper22]

Then why bring it up?

 

I agree, that's NO way to solve a problem.

 

 

I said I was surprised no one had...for that matter why bring anything else up?

[Juniper22]

Because she is looking for a CONSTRUCTIVE way to solve her problem.

 

 

Got it!

 

So, the OP I've read through some of these replies, sounds like you've been given some constructive ways to solve the problem. I hope you are able to do so and all works out for you. Its all up to you in what you want to do. Good Luck.

[hopeful1980]

You're telling me JamesM's issues or any of the males complaining about sexless marriages and all they have done to remedy or fix it, is simpler then losing weight????? No wonder us men are so damn thick and stoopid.....

 

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss. I think they should go to marriage counseling.

[hopeful1980]

That is TOTALLY right - my H thinks that my weight is a reflection of how much I care or don't care about HIM. However, when you have had a LIFELONG battle with weight, I think it is very unfair of him to put that kind of spin on it. Very unfair! My weight IS NOT about him.

 

No it's not.

[JackJack]

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss. I think they should go to marriage counseling.

 

I agree with this. I said early on, I think its not just about her weight but there is a bigger underlying issue here that might be going on.

 

I guess its a 50/50 chance. If she looses the weight he can either A.) Become more interested in sex, or B) Continue on with the way things are now. I still say for your over all health frustrated, you need to try to loose some regardless of the outcome.

 

Have you point blank asked him what it is he is doing for sex these days? Maybe not quite like that, BUT you know what I mean. Is his answer, he isn't doing anything about it? Or maybe that he goes back to his stand by answer that he isn't a real sexual person?

[hopeful1980]

Why, all of a sudden, you have lost the motivation?...

 

Come on.. let's say he wouldn't say anything about your weight.. you would have lost the weight.. HONESTLY.. you didn't for the last few years.. why wouldn't you now? You can't fool me dear..

 

I don't know about her, but I did. I gained 80 pounds with my first child. My husband never said anything about it to me, he treated me exactly the same as he always had, and still couldn't keep his hands off of me. I decided I wanted to lose the weight and he supported me, but he never pressured me or made me feel unloved. I did lose the weight - 30 the first year and 50 the next. I did it on my own without any proding from him, so it is possible.

 

I think it's easier to do when you know you are loved and cherished regardless.

[Lizzie60]

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss. I think they should go to marriage counseling.

 

and how exactly do you know that?

 

The weight issue, IMO, is a big enough issue in itself.. enough for a man to be totally unattracted to his W and not want to have sex with her.. it could be just that..

[hopeful1980]

and how exactly do you know that?

 

The weight issue, IMO, is a big enough issue in itself.. enough for a man to be totally unattracted to his W and not want to have sex with her.. it could be just that..

 

Maybe, but I doubt it. A man doesn't say "Ewww" and push the woman he loves away from him. That's ridiculous. She's still his wife and he isn't showing her love. It's one thing to not get a hard on because of a few pounds, but it's another to treat a person with contempt.

[frustrated_one]

Were these past times during the M or before?

 

This was before the M. I told him I had lost weight, I never told him how much but that it was many sizes. He told me that he was a "face man" and always had been and that I had a beautiful face.

[JackJack]

and how exactly do you know that?

 

The weight issue, IMO, is a big enough issue in itself.. enough for a man to be totally unattracted to his W and not want to have sex with her.. it could be just that..

 

I wonder why it is, for some people if their spouse gains weight they love them, show them, tell them etc regardless, and why it some do not and are repulsed by it?

 

I had a family member who this very thing happened to. She gained right much weight probably due to several factors, but her husband always supported her, showed that to her, etc. He didn't seem repulsed by her at all. She would actually tell other how lucky she was to have someone that did love and support her like he did.

 

I don't know, I guess what might make one person feel repulsed, might not make another person feel that way.

[hopeful1980]

And hopeful keeps comparing FO's H to HER H, which is in NO way a good comparison! So your H doesn't mind when you gain weight, Hopeful? Well, he's not FO's H. Why should FO's H have the same likes/dislikes and feelings as YOUR H?

 

No I'm not. I'm just calling it like I see it. We all have a frame of reference. FO and her H aren't the only couple to have faced this problem. I personally know other couples who have.

[frustrated_one]

Why, all of a sudden, you have lost the motivation?...

 

Come on.. let's say he wouldn't say anything about your weight.. you would have lost the weight.. HONESTLY.. you didn't for the last few years.. why wouldn't you now? You can't fool me dear..

 

In the past when I lost weight, I had no HE is was only me. Motivation came and went. The last time I gained alot of weight, I was unemployed and my dad was terminal with cancer. I moved from one coast to another to help take care of him. It was a very stressful and emotional time in my life and that's when I gained weight.

 

What triggered my motivated to lose that weight was twofold: 1) when I looked at my face in the mirror, I did not recognize the person staring back at me and 2) My 20th HS reunion was coming up, I was single and wanted to look H-O-T!

 

I was totally committed and focused like a laser. I told my hair stylist that I was going to lose the 50 lbs and she was doubtful. Every 6 weeks that I'd go back to see her she could tell I was shrinking. I was a size 8/10 for my reunion (I had started at an 18)

 

After that, I gained about 20lbs back over 18 months. Then I got into contact (via internet) with my now hubby - I was going to see him in four months. You know what it's like - that first blush of love and all the feelings. I was nervous to see him after 12 years. He had last seen me in my mid 20s. Now I would soon be turning 40.

 

I started working out again and doing my Zone program. He was motivated to work out as well - we both wanted to make a good first impression. I was in my "skinny jeans" from college when we got back together. When we were together, I would barely eat, I had lost my appetite. He would chastize me for eating like a bird. But my stomach was had butterflies.

 

I continued to work out for several more months until he asked me to marry him. I gave up my job, friends and family and moved out of state. We married just three months later. All the busy things of life took over and I stopped working out.

[hopeful1980]

I wonder why it is, for some people if their spouse gains weight they love them, show them, tell them etc regardless, and why it some do not and are repulsed by it?

 

I had a family member who this very thing happened to. She gained right much weight probably due to several factors, but her husband always supported her, showed that to her, etc. He didn't seem repulsed by her at all. She would actually tell other how lucky she was to have someone that did love and support her like he did.

 

I don't know, I guess what might make one person feel repulsed, might not make another person feel that way.

 

It's called love. What a novel idea in a marriage.

[frustrated_one]

Think back now. What was the "motivation" prior to your M to lose weight when you did? I can tell you that, for me, it feels good to feel sexy. You get the eye from men all the time. Not as much when you're packing an extra pants size or two. Was your motivation back then because you were single and still wanted to attract a man? Be honest.

 

I don't think so - honestly. In fact, my looks have always kinda gotten me into trouble. Guys always wanted the "trophy". So I think I used my weight as protection.

 

See my earlier post regarding motivation on the last weight loss . . . it was event driven.

[frustrated_one]

You know, you might think you're helping, but for you to constantly intimate that FO's H doesn't love her is VERY counterproductive.

 

JJ - you bring up a good point and I battle with it. I feel like my husband doesn't love me because we aren't having sex. I know that this is not right, it's that he is not attracted to me. But feelings are funny things, ya know? Sex between my hubby and I has been a physical manifestation of our love. So his rejection because my physical package has changed makes me feel like he doesn't love me.

 

That's further complicated by the fact that from the moment we met nearly 20 years ago HE "sold me" on the fact that he wasn't like all the other guys. He lilked me for more than the package.