No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[hopeful1980]

You know, you might think you're helping, but for you to constantly intimate that FO's H doesn't love her is VERY counterproductive.

 

FO doesn't feel loved. Her H isn't showing her love by refusing to have sex with her and acting repulsed by her frame. That much can be deduced by what is written by her. I'm not "intimating" anything.

[frustrated_one]

What these things say to ME at least is that you are willing to be fit to impress others, but now that your H is committed by marriage, you can relax. I know that's not what you are consciously thinking, but that is most likely what your H is very DEFINITELY thinking. And it's making him angry and frustrated.

 

Yes, I think you are probably very right that my husband thinks that. However, my weight has always been a yo you - not healthy, I know.

[frustrated_one]

Have you two really TALKED about this? Have you TOLD him how he made you feel safe to be you which may be a gal with an extra 50 lbs from time to time and that when he refuses to make love you feel like he doesn't love you?

 

Since my weight has become an issue we have talked and cried and emailed and discussed, etc. It has probably been six months or so since the last "we've got to talk" episode and, of course, I was the one who brought it up.

 

I just kinda feel like the time for talk is past - from his point of view. You know I'd love to talk more about it - that's why I'm on these boards. I think he is done with talking. He just wants to see action that is consistent. He has seen a week or two or even three. I maybe lose 8-10 lbs and then fall off the wagon.

 

I would love to tell him exactly what you wrote in the above quote but I feel like he is entitled to his feelings. I want him to WANT to have sex with me, not for him to have pity sex.

[hopeful1980]

I'm pretty sure she's said many other things that would indicate otherwise. You just seem to want to look at her H through sh-t colored glasses for some reason.

 

Hey, I'm not the only one who feels like FOs husband isn't treating her respectfully. Can you honestly say that he is with regards to her weight loss and sexual needs? Others in this same thread have suggested she dump him!

 

A man should love his wife. Period. To reject her because of her frame is not loving at all. I don't know how that can be argued.

[Lizzie60]

FO.. you HAD motivation for the HS reunion..

Then for your fist meeting with your SO...

Why have you lost it... is the fact that he's disappointed in your weight gain not a factor to have motivation again?

 

If you want to keep him.. it's important that you take the matter seriously... and it's also for your well-being...you will feel sooo much better..

 

You can do it.. there is a good online diet program (it could help you).. it's called caloriecount.answer.com

go check it out.. maybe that could help you get some motivation (recipes, exercises, etc.) it's free.

 

Good luck.. don't give up...

 

If that can help.. why not post a picture of yourself or any other nice body you'd like to have .. on your fridge.. keep a log of everything you eat.. with the calories.. etc..

 

[frustrated_one]

Did you ever TELL him that? That many times you are overweight to the point that even YOU don't like it? I know you told him you had LOST weight, but did he ever really KNOW prior to getting M'd that you yo yo consistently?

 

Yes, I havve been honest and told him that this is life long and he disputes it! When he knew me in my mid 20s, I was a size 10ish. That was over about three years. Then we didn't see each other again until 12 years later and I was a size 4-8 during that time. So as far as he's concerned, I have not had a problem even though I have told him otherwise and even though my family can back up my statement.

[hopeful1980]

And, hopeful, not "feeling" loved is VERY much different than actually not BEING loved. I know to FO it may feel the same, but you have intimated that he does NOT love her - period. I don't think that's true. I think he does love you, FO, from the things you have said here.

 

You can feel love all you want, but if you don't show it what's the point? FO said she feels loved when she and her husband make love. Who doesn't? For him to reject her is to not show her love. Period. Even if he feels like he loves her, he's not showing her by pushing her away.

[JackJack]

Yes, I havve been honest and told him that this is life long and he disputes it! When he knew me in my mid 20s, I was a size 10ish. That was over about three years. Then we didn't see each other again until 12 years later and I was a size 4-8 during that time. So as far as he's concerned, I have not had a problem even though I have told him otherwise and even though my family can back up my statement.

 

As far as he is concerned you haven't had this weight problem evne though you've told him and your fmaily can back this up.

 

Wow, so he doesn't believe you either. Bad feeling I would guess, to not be believed.

 

this is what it sounds like to me from this post, I said it sounds like it, NOT that I'm 100 percent for sure, so lets clear that up.

 

It SOUNDS like he is equating love with your size. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but I am saying its POSSIBLE, your weight has had enough of an impact on him that maybe he isn't IN LOVE with you. There is difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

 

Once again I did NOT say it was 100 percent the case, just saying it sounds that way.

[hopeful1980]

As far as he is concerned you haven't had this weight problem evne though you've told him and your fmaily can back this up.

 

Wow, so he doesn't believe you either. Bad feeling I would guess, to not be believed.

 

this is what it sounds like to me from this post, I said it sounds like it, NOT that I'm 100 percent for sure, so lets clear that up.

 

It SOUNDS like he is equating love with your size. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but I am saying its POSSIBLE, your weight has had enough of an impact on him that maybe he isn't IN LOVE with you. There is difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

 

Once again I did NOT say it was 100 percent the case, just saying it sounds that way.

 

I really feel like marriage counseling is in order. Most people who lose weight will gain it back within 5 years. It's harder to keep it off than it is to lose it. Who's to say they won't be right back here in 3 years?

[JackJack]

I really feel like marriage counseling is in order. Most people who lose weight will gain it back within 5 years. It's harder to keep it off than it is to lose it. Who's to say they won't be right back here in 3 years?

 

Counseling was suggested by me and a another person or two on the very first page of this post.

 

I think some kind of counseling is in order as well. That's why I had orginally suggested it.

[JackJack]

I don't think marriage counseling is going to get to the root of why a girl would feel fat at 115 lbs. Maybe if you're 4 ft. tall, but at her height she should NOT have been feeling fat at 115 lbs.

 

THAT issue calls for IC.

 

I didn't say marriage counseling. I said some kind of counseling. Yes, I realize that could mean marriage, but I was meaning individual counseling. Someone to help her get to the root of the weight issue etc. On the very first page I stated she needed some kind of help. Someone to help her with this.

 

It was also suggested back at the beginning of the thread, to maybe look into a personal trainer, and nutrition expert to help guide her or help set her up on a plan, and that if that was not workable as in to expensive that maybe books, online tips or video's could help.

 

There have been right many things suggested. I hope she chooses something. You gotta start somewhere.

[hopeful1980]

This seems to indicate that you think FOOD is the problem. It's not. Food is what FO uses to soothe herself from whatever problem there is. And she did it WAY before her H ever came along, so he is not the one to blame for whatever that problem is.

 

As I said, IC is needed. She has to be happy with herself first. After she is, she may very well feel she isn't happy with her marriage. But she has to be happy with herself before anything else can be addressed.

 

I've said repeatedly in this very thread that I believe the weight gain is only a symptom of a bigger problem. I've said that she has to do it for herself and make herself feel good and happy on the very first page. I suggested she go and get a make over and buy some new clothes to make herself feel good NOW and not wait until she's lost the weight to be content with the person she is. These are all things I've already said.

[frustrated_one]

Sorry. My comment about MC not helping was more to Hopeful.

 

You and I both recommended IC looong ago in this thread. There is another reason for the yo yo'ing on the scale that goes way beyond a mere enjoyment of food. The eating and lack of motivation is merely a symptom, and then you get the resulting weight gain.

 

As I said in an earlier post, one of my earliest memories is at 4 or 5 "dieting" with my sister who was 6 or 7. I have done Dr. Phil's book, trying to get at the root - I have never been sexually abused, so there's nothing like that.

[frustrated_one]

I've said repeatedly in this very thread that I believe the weight gain is only a symptom of a bigger problem. I've said that she has to do it for herself and make herself feel good and happy on the very first page. I suggested she go and get a make over and buy some new clothes to make herself feel good NOW and not wait until she's lost the weight to be content with the person she is. These are all things I've already said.

 

Yes, you have been saying that for a while and I am going to. Right now my roots are at least 4 inches! And I have a gift certificate for a spa treatment and I am going to schedule a massage - I am sore from my workout yesterday with the personal trainer. I asked my hubby this morning if he would rub my shoulders and he did it with a smile.

 

Today I walked a mile and had a protein shake for breakfast and am now having a chopped salad from the South Beach book. I am taking "baby steps" but the journey seems soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long. Getting fat is somewhat enjoyable - you're eating wonderful food and drinking fabulous wines. Getting thin . . . not so much!

[hopeful1980]

Yes, but your posts also seem to indicate that her H is the problem which is clearly incorrect as her weight issues have been there for as long as she can remember way before he was ever part of the equation.

 

I've already addressed that as well in this post. I do not think her H is the problem for her weight loss or gain, but he contributes to the problems in their marriage. He has a problem with being shallow and not loving his wife for the person she is instead of the package she comes in. He has a problem showing his wife love and meeting her sexual needs when she has gained weight. That is a problem that I feels need be addressed.

[frustrated_one]

I wasn't even thinking that. But why would a child that young feel the need to "diet?" Somebody must have put some kind of idea in your head about weight. Do you recall what may have triggered that constant feeling of never being the "right" weight?

 

I agree . . . it's largely a mystery. I know my mom was always trying to lose weight after my brother was born - and that could be right around the time of this memory.

 

I grew up during the era of the first super model - where tall and thin was in. I was always petite. I grew up in the Farrah Fawcett red bathing suit era and the Suzanne Somers blue bathing suit posters. I had brothers who were merciless to their sisters calling us fat, flat chested, whatever. Just how brothers can be.

[JamesM]

I do not know the JamesM you are talking about or the other males on the forum complaining about sexless marriages but I have women friends who are in sexless marriages.

 

I think it is very, very unfair for a wife to withhold sex - just like it feel it is unfair of my husband to do so.

 

Hello, my name is JamesM. Welcome to the Loveshack. It is odd to see one's name in the middle of a thread.

 

I am guessing that the reason my name was mentioned is that I have typed extensively regarding my sexless marriage. It has been quite awhile since we have had sex and even longer since it was good. A month or two back, I thought there was some small hope but it hasn't changed much. However, my focus is no longer on sex from my wife.

 

I do agree that it is unfair for either spouse to withhold sex. IMO it is adultery by omission. Commission of adultery is accepted as cheating, but omission of sex which can cause just as much trouble in a marriage is considered either okay or the fault of the one who does not get sex. I believe this is wrong.

 

I found it interesting that weight is used BY him (allegedly) as a reason not to have sex with you. Oddly, my wife has said that SHE has no interest in sex because of the weight SHE gained. It was not I that said it. While I do think she looks better when she loses weight, I also love her for who she is....more than she herself does.

 

Yet when she slims up, the sex isn't better. Then it is something else. It can be a headache of a stressful day...or who knows...."it is raining outdoors." Whatever...they are excuses. Until she or I can get to the real reason underlying the problem, then nothing will change.

 

My point in mentioning that is...I think for whatever reason, his excuse that you gained weight is an excuse to a degree. It is valid in that you gained it after you married. You mentioned him doing the bait and switch on you...some would say you did it to him. He married a thinner woman and then you (in his mind) let it all go and gained weight. And since you yourself mentioned that you use weight as protection to theoretically protect you from those who want your body only, then he can deduce that you are doing it to him, too.

 

This theory falls apart in that you do offer him sex and he turns it down. This makes me think there is another reason.

 

I don't think so - honestly. In fact, my looks have always kinda gotten me into trouble. Guys always wanted the "trophy". So I think I used my weight as protection.

 

See my earlier post regarding motivation on the last weight loss . . . it was event driven.

 

Why would your looks get you in trouble?

 

Do you assume since guys love your beauty that they do not love your brains or mind? I am guessing that most men are like I. They love their GF or wife for everything about her, but being visually driven, her beauty keeps them attracted to her. It is not all that does, but to sit back and admire that woman they married simply warms the heart...and more. This does not mean that the body is more important than the personality. Most men would agree with me and say that the beauty is greatly enhanced by the personality. The more I get to know my wife (or did), the more her beauty grew.

 

Yet when SHE lets herself go and gains weight, then it says to me that she not only doesn't love herself, but she does not care that her beauty is a part of what attracts me to her. It does not cause me to love her less, but it can cause me to be less attracted to her body.

 

Getting fat is somewhat enjoyable - you're eating wonderful food and drinking fabulous wines. Getting thin . . . not so much!

 

Now I see that you are going to take care of yourself. Is this event driven as a way to get more sex from your husband? I totally understand. I have tried many things to get my wife attracted to me. The rejection hurts more than the lack of sex.

 

So, with you, if he does not want sex with you or does for a short time, then will you gain weight? Or is part of your motivation for you and how you feel? Why is it so awful when men comment on your looks even if they do not know you?

 

You mentioned that you were never sexually abused, yet you say your looks got you in trouble...can you explain?

 

I do not think her H is the problem for her weight loss or gain, but he contributes to the problems in their marriage. He has a problem with being shallow and not loving his wife for the person she is instead of the package she comes in.

 

I agree. Perhaps he feels inside that she did a bait and switch on him. But even still, his focus should be on making certain that he shows his love to her despite her not being as he wishes.

 

I don't know that it is shallow, but I do think that his love is more conditional than it should be. While attraction fluctuates based on looks for men, the love he has for her should easily enable him to want to sexually pleasure her.

 

So, dear frustrated_one, NOW you know who JamesM is.

Edited November 5, 2009 by JamesM

[frustrated_one]

Yes, someone yesterday mentioned you in their post regarding sexless marriage.

 

I am sorry for your situation. As I said, I have women friends who are the ones refusing sex to their husbands and I just DO NOT get it.

 

I have ordered some material from Dr. Harley who wrote "His Needs Her Needs." Someone on the boards suggested it and the materials look very helpful. I send a few links from his site to those who have no desire to have sex with their husbands. There was also a very good article on sexual aversion that I hope will be helpful to them.

 

When it comes to sex with your husband, I think it's a must. Men are wired for sex and one way or another a woman should {learn if she has to} to enjoy it.

 

 

RE: weight is used BY him (allegedly) as a reason not to have sex with you.

 

Yes, I can completely see from his perspective that I did a bait and switch. He has said if I loved him, then I would care about how I look. It does not seem to enter his equation that I have battled weight all my life.

 

Before we were married he was in a relationship for 10 years with a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have a very sexual relationship. Obviously her weight was not the issue. So I do wonder about this.

 

RE: Looks get you in trouble.

From the time I was about 15 or 16 men hit on me - married men specifically. I was a combination of looks and independence that drew them like a bee to honey. While I never had an affair with a married man, it was something I battled all my life.

 

RE: Do you assume since guys love your beauty that they do not love your brains or mind?

When you're getting hit on by guys who have never had a substantive conversation with you, it's not hard to figure out. I might be blonde, but I'm not stupid.

 

I love how you state that, "to sit back and admire that woman they married simply warms the heart...and more." That is not something I would ever think about - that a man will sit back and admire the woman he married. . . Also interesting your take on what her weight gain communicates to you . . . "it says to me that she not only doesn't love herself, but she does not care that her beauty is a part of what attracts me to her."

 

I want to take better care of myself but I guess more on my terms, not feeling like I'm back into a corner by the ultimative of: "I'll only have sex with you if . . ." I translate his actions as emotional blackmail. That is probably not fair, but as I have said before, feelings are funny things. It puts me in a horribly bitter and angry state of mind. I think, so if I lose weight and now you want to have sex well - FU - I am the same person I was at 180. I know that is horrible but true.

 

RE: "Now I see that you are going to take care of yourself. Is this event driven as a way to get more sex from your husband? I totally understand. I have tried many things to get my wife attracted to me. The rejection hurts more than the lack of sex."

 

My marriage is not in a good place, at this point he tells me it's basically my fault. The resolution supposedly lies in my hands.

 

- I hate not having sex with my husband - our sex was HOT! I miss "tailgating" at home each week before our college football team kicked off.

- I hate not sleeping with my husband. My snoring keeps him from getting a good night's sleep.

- I hate being rejected by him when I try to initiate sex. As you said, rejection is SO hurtful.

- I hate that he never tells me I look beautiful {forget beautiful, I'd even take nice or pretty at this point}.

- I hate the feeling of wanting to "hide" from his friends who have not seen us for a while and who, when they do see me, I know are thinking "Oh my gosh, has she gained weight. Poor hubby."

- I hate not going to the black tie galas where he loved to show me off. The last one we attended, two years ago, he told me I looked "nice." I cannot tell you how crushing that was. NICE? I LOOK NICE?????? I was frickin' dressed in a black gown and feather boa!

 

Those are some of my motivations for starting to "take care of myself."

 

RE: So, with you, if he does not want sex with you or does for a short time, then will you gain weight? Or is part of your motivation for you and how you feel?

 

I don't know. I know I should "do this for me" but I am doing this so I can get back the husband I married. If "he" doesn't re-appear with weight loss, I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

 

RE: Why is it so awful when men comment on your looks even if they donot know you?

It is not "awful" if men comment on my looks - I love that! It was awful when all they wanted to do was to get into my panties!

 

 

RE: "I agree. Perhaps he feels inside that she did a bait and switch on him. But even still, his focus should be on making certain that he shows his love to her despite her not being as he wishes.

 

I don't know that it is shallow, but I do think that his love is more conditional than it should be. While attraction fluctuates based on looks for men, the love he has for her should easily enable him to want to sexually pleasure her."

 

That is how I feel as well, that his love is conditional. I have told him that I didn't realize that he would only love me if I was the trophy wife. Now, I'm sure that "love" is the wrong word - but it is how it FEELS.

 

James, I very much appreciate your introduction and comments. I do have a question for you - to get a man's perspective.

 

I'm on these boards because I need to talk about this situation. While I would like to talk to my husband about it, I feel like we have "been there, done that."

 

Over the past 35 pounds we have had "the discussion" many times and the tears have flowed and my promise to lose weight has not come to fruition. I have told him I feel his love is conditional, he has told me if I loved him I would lose the weight . . . so here were are again, no sex for weeks {and the last several times were very few and far between and only because I initiated it.}

 

Should I bring this topic up again??? We just got back from a week's vacation to some of the most romantic cities and beautiful B&Bs. We have ALWAYS had sex on these anniversary vacations. Not this time. It was crushing. I want to bring that up, I want to tell him how rejected I feel.

 

The longer I go without sex with him, the more anger and bitterness builds up within me. I get short with him. I "freeze" him out. All these things are not good I know, they do not bring me the actions I want, but they are a reaction to no action. I am sure you understand.

 

From a man's perspective, what say you?

 

Thanks!

Edited November 5, 2009 by frustrated_one

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss. I think they should go to marriage counseling.

 

Until she loses weight and then is still rejected, I will believe him. Why wouldn't I.... Many men are visual creatures and that is being honest. 50lbs on 135 lbs is a lot.....

 

Is it right? That's for each to decide. He has said her weight turns him off..... What am I missing????

[hopeful1980]

Until she loses weight and then is still rejected, I will believe him. Why wouldn't I.... Many men are visual creatures and that is being honest. 50lbs on 135 lbs is a lot.....

 

Is it right? That's for each to decide. He has said her weight turns him off..... What am I missing????

 

I don't think I can explain it in any other way than I already have. I understand that men are visual and I do agree that FO needs to lose weight. I do not buy that as an excuse for her husband's rejection. His love for her should not be wrapped up in her size. I don't see why he can't look at her as the beautiful woman he married regardless of the 50 pounds. That is what I am missing.

[Enema]

His love for her should not be wrapped up in her size.

 

It's not about love, it's about attraction.

 

I think this thread shows how often "love" is thrown around as a defensive jab when it's not really the issue.

 

He obviously loves her very much.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but paint it however you want and go on about love is love and one should love unconditionally and look at her as the beautiful woman he married. He has told her he does not. Shallow, uncaring, nasty choose any word you want, he has said it. If she loses 30 lbs (or 50) and he is still a louse, then he lied and it had nothing to do with weight.

 

I am sorry for the OP, but that is what he said and what she has told us.

 

I really have no idea why this is argued......

 

I don't think I can explain it in any other way than I already have. I understand that men are visual and I do agree that FO needs to lose weight. I do not buy that as an excuse for her husband's rejection. His love for her should not be wrapped up in her size. I don't see why he can't look at her as the beautiful woman he married regardless of the 50 pounds. That is what I am missing.

[Holding-On]

It's not about love, it's about attraction.

 

I think this thread shows how often "love" is thrown around as a defensive jab when it's not really the issue.

 

He obviously loves her very much.

 

I haven't read the whole thread but if he is kindly in his daily interactions with you and still there and present in the marriage, then YES, he loves you.

 

But to me it seems very unfair having gone from 135 to 185 on a 5'2" frame, basically looking like a completely different person from what he married (in 4 years no less) to then complain that because his **** doesn't perform on command - i.e. that attraction has waned - because of that he doesn't love you!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I haven't read the whole thread but if he is kindly in his daily interactions with you and still there and present in the marriage, then YES, he loves you.

 

But to me it seems very unfair having gone from 135 to 185 on a 5'2" frame, basically looking like a completely different person from what he married (in 4 years no less) to then complain that because his **** doesn't perform on command - i.e. that attraction has waned - because of that he doesn't love you!

 

SEXUALLY..... Again a sad indictment and that we can debate.....

[hopeful1980]

but paint it however you want and go on about love is love and one should love unconditionally and look at her as the beautiful woman he married. He has told her he does not. Shallow, uncaring, nasty choose any word you want, he has said it. If she loses 30 lbs (or 50) and he is still a louse, then he lied and it had nothing to do with weight.

 

I am sorry for the OP, but that is what he said and what she has told us.

 

I really have no idea why this is argued......

 

Wait a minute. In all of the sexless marriage threads it has been repeated over and over that for a married man sex = love. I have read many women try and refute that by saying that they can give other affection, and you and other men have said that it doesn't matter. Over and over it has been said that for a married man sex = love. That it's the ultimate way for a man to show his love for his wife and feel loved by his wife.

 

What is different here? Now you are saying that he DOES love his wife even though he won't have sex with her? That's a huge contradiction.