No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[frustrated_one]

I so agree. My husband and I married with the understand that divorce WAS NOT an option unless there was physical/emotional abuse or infidelity.

 

When I told my matron of honor this, she said, "That's ridiculous - what if at some point he's not making you happy."

 

Love is a choice, NOT a feeling. Every day I have to choose to love my husband. The feelings of "being in love" last for a very short time - they are the first phase of love which get us hooked. Let's face it, our society would fall apart if that phase was permanent! We'd all be talking or emailing our S/O all day or spend the entire day in bed. We would get no work done because as we'd be obsessing with our S/O.

 

The 5 Love Languages goes over this at length - very helpful, I think especially for men. I know it was for my husband.

 

That's what gets you married, but it's not what keeps you married. Chemistry or the feeling of attraction or being in love with a person comes and goes. Sometimes you are more attracted to them and sometimes less. Commitment is what keeps you together in the times were there is less and love should help you support your spouse when they aren't at their best.

[mem11363]

>>>>>>>>

Sex may be motivated by outward appearances mainly when it is simply a recreational experience between two people, but IME when it is an expression of love as it should be in marriage, then the most important part of sex is not the outward appearance but the inward love that each has for the other.

 

>>>>

James,

There are many marriages where the inward love is strong in both directions and yet the sex is severely lacking. So there is obviously quite a bit more to sex then the inward love between the partners.

 

And that "more" is chemistry - and you need some amount of it for the physical part of a marriage to work. It is great that your personal attraction drivers are non visual - I think that says a lot about you as a person. I don't think I have a valid basis for my strong sexual preference for fit women. But it is real. Just as FO is ok with cigars and her man is not ok with obesity.

 

I have triangulated based on many of FO's posts and conclude that her man is very successful and she is attracted to successful men. And that is perfectly fine - everyone has a profile that makes them spark. Sexual attraction is a very personal thing.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

 

 

I doubt you speak for most guys, so I will not be ashamed to say that cigarettes DO turn me off enough to not want to date a girl let alone have sex with her. Years ago, there was a girl who wanted to date me, and when she heard that I didn't date smokers, she quit. We dated. My guess is that she began after we quit dating.

 

As for actresses being obese and not acting, I think you are looking at only a few movies. We could easily hijack this thread and begin listing the many who do act and are more overweight than the OP.

 

Personally, as many other men (not speaking for most), I have no problem having sex with an overweight woman. To me it is about the eyes, the smile, the personality, the performance, AND the body. Oddly, the body doesn't rank number one when one wants good sex. A beautiful woman who has no energy and zest for sex will be much less satisfying than a less than perfect woman who enjoys it.

 

 

 

 

And that is where I have a problem.

 

Sex AND love are one when married. Even when my wife gains weight, I can still be just as turned on when having sex with her because it truly is an expression of love. Sex in a good marriage does not get better or worse based on physical appearances unless the person who is less beautiful than previously, feels less beautiful and lets it affect his or her sexual expression of love. Sex gets better or worse based on the feelings of love a person is feeling towards his/her partner at the time.

 

Even when my wife weighed over 200# while pregnant, I could have sex with her when she was into it. However, when she has been a perfect weight and not enthused about sex, it has been a "chore" to get involved.

 

Sex may be motivated by outward appearances mainly when it is simply a recreational experience between two people, but IME when it is an expression of love as it should be in marriage, then the most important part of sex is not the outward appearance but the inward love that each has for the other.

[Baroness67]

My husband and I dated for many years during which I had a terrible eating disorder, but I was thin. I was bulimic, taking diet pills, laxatives and binging and throwing up virtually everything I ate, but I was thin. When we married, I was 5'6" and 135lbs. I know that some people will say that's fat, but I was a size 10 and my husband and I had lots of sex.

 

During my first pregnancy, I cured my eating disorders cold turkey. No more pills or purging, and I gained 75lbs in the pregnancy. I never went back to my old habits - but also never did get back down to that old weight. After several pregnancies, we had our last child 10 years ago, and my weight settled in at around 180. Except for one period (see below) I have not dipped significantly below or above it since, despite exercising regularly and not eating junk. Except for a low dose blood pressure pill (I'm late 40s), I'm otherwise healthy. My husband gained weight over the years, too.

 

My husband and I continued to have sex until last year, when he decided to lose a lot of weight (50lbs). Then he had a problem with my weight and stopped having sex with me. He also started in with the secret texting, "I don't feel the same anymore" and "I love you but am not in love with you" talk. He said my weight was an issue of attraction. It is today but not 2 years ago?

 

I feel the same as frustrated. If the entire marriage is about being attractive, and I lose the weight, what happens when I get old? If there are not enough reasons to be married to me outside of my weight, there are not many new ones in the pipeline after 30 years together.

 

I hate the bait & switch comment. From my perspective, I married a wonderful, honest muscle-bound 25 year old guy who was a kind and loving partner, and now he's been switched out with this 50 year old guy who thinks he's too young looking and too hip to be married to someone his own age, who doesn't look like Taylor Swift (and never did).

 

Thank goodness I didn't get sick or something many years ago - I'm sure he wouldn't have pictured himself married to someone sick, either. Time to cut bait and go, right?

 

By the way I did go on a crash diet earlier this year and lost about 30lbs. When I pointed out that I was working hard but he didn't seem to be acting any differently towards me, then he said "but we don't have anything in common, either." After 30 years, four kids, nothing in common? But he has more in common with the secretaries in his office that he drinks and parties with?

 

Give me a break.

[Jersey Shortie]

And that is where I have a problem.

 

Sex AND love are one when married. Even when my wife gains weight, I can still be just as turned on when having sex with her because it truly is an expression of love. Sex in a good marriage does not get better or worse based on physical appearances unless the person who is less beautiful than previously, feels less beautiful and lets it affect his or her sexual expression of love. Sex gets better or worse based on the feelings of love a person is feeling towards his/her partner at the time.

 

Even when my wife weighed over 200# while pregnant, I could have sex with her when she was into it. However, when she has been a perfect weight and not enthused about sex, it has been a "chore" to get involved.

 

Sex may be motivated by outward appearances mainly when it is simply a recreational experience between two people, but IME when it is an expression of love as it should be in marriage, then the most important part of sex is not the outward appearance but the inward love that each has for the other.

 

I think that's the kind of love most women would want. Whether she maintained her figure or not. And when the man creates this kind of environment, she is herself more motivated to do more for him.

 

 

Mem:

 

JS,

Alcohol in moderation is not harmful - even if the person drinking it is a male.

 

Read the 5 love languages - sacrifice is one of them - it is a valid way to show love

 

At least tell the OP you find most men worthy of your contempt - so she doesn't just think it is just her husband you find lacking.

 

Really quite uncalled for Mem. Slanderous and uncalled for and not deserving of the response I am giving you.

 

I never once said that sacrifice wasn't a valid way to show love. Infact, I believe in sacrifice. But I also believe in supporting your partner, not belittling them or making them feel like less of a person just because they aren't your ideal. The things the OP originally talked about were just that.

 

 

 

If I don't have a problem with this, then why should you? Enjoys a fine cigar and liquor. Everything in moderation. While I don't really have any other vices other than liking to eat, he has a few. My husband loves many fine things in life and I'm happy for him.

 

Yeah that's great. But your husband isn't happy for you when you indulge your vice. Really, that's your choice and I am not going to argue the way you want to live your life. But I do think your husband has standards that he expects you to live up to that he doesn't expect himself to.

[frustrated_one]

 

Not true. He wants me to be fit. HE IS fit.

[Canuck1979]

Frustrated, this is a long thread so I didn't read all the replies. I apologize in advance if I'm repeating anything that was already posted.

 

You can only loose weight if YOU want to. Whatever the motivation, if it's to please your husband or if you want to fit in your size 4 jeans again, you have to WANT to do it.

 

Start slowly. Maybe walk 10 minutes a day three times a week. If you can afford it, maybe you could buy yourself some personal training sessions.

[JamesM]

James,

There are many marriages where the inward love is strong in both directions and yet the sex is severely lacking. So there is obviously quite a bit more to sex then the inward love between the partners.

 

And that "more" is chemistry - and you need some amount of it for the physical part of a marriage to work. .

 

As you well know by this comment, I have one of those marriages. And based on my wife's comments, it is not that she finds me unattractive. It is not that I need to lose weight.

 

And for many men (never say all), when they have a deep love for their wife, then physical attraction takes the second place. It is still there, but the wife does not have to be a perfect weight or be the perfect body.

 

Example...when I work out in the morning, there is a beautiful girl there. Blond hair, gorgeous body, and looks like a model. She has a beautiful smile and a friendly personality. Yet without a doubt I could never find her more attractive than my wife. I am not stupid...most men would find this blonde more attractive than my wife. I don't. Why? Because the love and sexual attraction I have for my wife goes beyond the physical. And TBH, my wife's figure (a little shorter than the model look and a little heavier) is much more beautiful to me than this perfect lady.

 

Here is the weird thing...being with my wife has changed my perception of what the perfect woman looks like. And if my wife gains or loses weight, yes, I do admire how much better she looks. However, there is no way that I want her to look like that model as a way to turn me on.

 

HOW my wife looks is one thing, but WHO she is determines everything.

 

BUT...there is no way that I could ever quit making love to her (especially if she wanted it) because of her physical appearances. What happens if my wife had her breasts taken off? Could this change my attraction to her? Now as I type it, I would say yes. In reality, I think my perception of her attractiveness would change and grow with her new look.

 

What could change my attraction to her sexually would be her interest or lack of interest in sex based on her looks or based on her emotional moods.

 

As for chemistry (as you call it), this goes beyond outward physical appearances.

 

Another example....there is another lady I know who I find very sexually attractive, and it is strange. (No, I will not cheat with her, because I like our friendship. Yes, my wife knows this, and knows that it doesn't mean I will cheat.) This woman really does not have the perfect body. She is not really beautiful. But something about her eyes and smile is captivating to me. YET...when I sit down with her and talk (or rather listen to her), this attraction disappears because her personality causes me to lose interest. And to carry my example a bit farther....there is a friend we have who would be classified as a BBW. Not attractive really when placed in a lineup. Yet when I talk with her and she listens to me, I find myself captivated by her personality. Oddly, I would probably be more sexually interested in her than the one who is more outwardly attractive.

 

Chemistry is NOT physical alone. In fact, I propose that it has less to do with outward appearances and more to do with the personality of the individual than simply looks.

 

Again, that is why I am puzzled that weight alone can make a man lose complete interest in sex with his wife. To me there needs to be another factor.

[mem11363]

This is a great post James. I agree with all of it most especially the point that chemistry is more based on personality then appearance.

 

I have found my tastes tracking to my wifes "look" over time as well - truly a strange and marvelous experience.

 

The point I was trying to make diplomatically is that you can deeply love someone and not react sexually to them. As for the "why" - it is fine to say that weight is a shallow criteria - probably a valid statement. And yet it is fairly common in the overall population and in some demographics the strong preference for fitness is absolutely the norm.

 

I do believe that men and women are very different regarding sexual response. Just as it is unfortunate men react so visually, it is equally unfortunate that women commonly react so positively in a sexual way to male "bad boy" traits.

 

 

 

As you well know by this comment, I have one of those marriages. And based on my wife's comments, it is not that she finds me unattractive. It is not that I need to lose weight.

 

And for many men (never say all), when they have a deep love for their wife, then physical attraction takes the second place. It is still there, but the wife does not have to be a perfect weight or be the perfect body.

 

Example...when I work out in the morning, there is a beautiful girl there. Blond hair, gorgeous body, and looks like a model. She has a beautiful smile and a friendly personality. Yet without a doubt I could never find her more attractive than my wife. I am not stupid...most men would find this blonde more attractive than my wife. I don't. Why? Because the love and sexual attraction I have for my wife goes beyond the physical. And TBH, my wife's figure (a little shorter than the model look and a little heavier) is much more beautiful to me than this perfect lady.

 

Here is the weird thing...being with my wife has changed my perception of what the perfect woman looks like. And if my wife gains or loses weight, yes, I do admire how much better she looks. However, there is no way that I want her to look like that model as a way to turn me on.

 

HOW my wife looks is one thing, but WHO she is determines everything.

 

BUT...there is no way that I could ever quit making love to her (especially if she wanted it) because of her physical appearances. What happens if my wife had her breasts taken off? Could this change my attraction to her? Now as I type it, I would say yes. In reality, I think my perception of her attractiveness would change and grow with her new look.

 

What could change my attraction to her sexually would be her interest or lack of interest in sex based on her looks or based on her emotional moods.

 

As for chemistry (as you call it), this goes beyond outward physical appearances.

 

Another example....there is another lady I know who I find very sexually attractive, and it is strange. (No, I will not cheat with her, because I like our friendship. Yes, my wife knows this, and knows that it doesn't mean I will cheat.) This woman really does not have the perfect body. She is not really beautiful. But something about her eyes and smile is captivating to me. YET...when I sit down with her and talk (or rather listen to her), this attraction disappears because her personality causes me to lose interest. And to carry my example a bit farther....there is a friend we have who would be classified as a BBW. Not attractive really when placed in a lineup. Yet when I talk with her and she listens to me, I find myself captivated by her personality. Oddly, I would probably be more sexually interested in her than the one who is more outwardly attractive.

 

Chemistry is NOT physical alone. In fact, I propose that it has less to do with outward appearances and more to do with the personality of the individual than simply looks.

 

Again, that is why I am puzzled that weight alone can make a man lose complete interest in sex with his wife. To me there needs to be another factor.

[JamesM]

This is a great post James. I agree with all of it most especially the point that chemistry is more based on personality then appearance.

 

We usually agree more than we disagree, but we can make long posts about our disagreements. That's what makes it fun here on LS.

 

 

The point I was trying to make diplomatically is that you can deeply love someone and not react sexually to them. As for the "why" - it is fine to say that weight is a shallow criteria - probably a valid statement. And yet it is fairly common in the overall population and in some demographics the strong preference for fitness is absolutely the norm.

 

I agree that one can love someone without being sexually attracted to them, But (you know that was coming), in a marriage, this should not be the case and usually isn't because of outward physical appearances only. And when it comes to men, it is even rarer that this is the reason truly is the partner's body image.

 

There usually is an underlying reason. My fear is that here, too, fitness and weight are just masks for the real reason. Being that the H was not sexual with his previous wife (if memory serves me correct), then I wonder if the H is fooling himself into thinking that if F_O loses weight he will be attracted to her sexually again.

 

Weight is a consideration in how we view someone as to their attractiveness, but I think it is less common as a true reason for a lack of sex than as a cover up for the real reason.

 

If F_O loses her weight and is down to her dating days weight...AND the H is sexually turned on to her, only then can we say weight was really the reason.

 

I am surprised that he did not get turned on when he realized that his wife was losing weight for him.

[frustrated_one]

Since you both are men, I'm curious, do you think I should bring up the issue of no sex to my husband?

 

It has probably now been 6 weeks since we've had sex (I should have marked it on my calendar but I didn't.) That morning, I had come into the bedroom where he sleeps and gotten into bed with him. We talked for a few minutes then he got up and went into the bathroom. When he came out and was going to leave the room, I said, "Hey, come here and see me." He was cornered. I hesitated saying, "What, I've got to get ready for work," and I said something to the effect that I had a job in bed he needed to attend to.

 

Now, weeks later nothing. I had hoped the vacation would put him in a more amorous state or that if nothing else, he'd have felt he HAD to - but no. It's been two weeks since our vacation and I the longer I go w/o sex, the more frustrated I get - little things tick me off.

 

Should I make overtures for sex and if I get shot down (like last time) then broach the topic? Should I let him know I have gotten other men's opinions about this?

[JackJack]

Since he is cutting you off from sex, so to speak, because of your weight or whatever the case may be, that means he is cutting himself off as well. And maybe that's ok with him, but, have you asked him what he is doing for sex these days? Or at least some kind of release?

Edited November 12, 2009 by JackJack

[frustrated_one]

I want to ask but am afraid - I want to TALK to him about ALL of this but I'm afraid he's just done with the talking. I assume he's the "master of his domain", to quote Seinfield.

 

Tonight I made a wonderful candlelight dinner for us. He noticed, of course, and I made the comment that I was trying to add a little romance to life. . . it's led to nothing but watching TV tonight.

 

I seriously want a huge slice of chocolate cream pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Since he is cutting you off from sex, so to speak, because of your weight or whatever the case may be, that means he is cutting himself off as well. And maybe that's ok with him, but, have you asked him what he is doing for sex these days? Or at least some kind of release?

Edited November 12, 2009 by frustrated_one

[JamesM]

Since you both are men, I'm curious, do you think I should bring up the issue of no sex to my husband?

 

First, HOW would you do it? Would you be assertive and ask why he is not becoming more sexual now that you have shown interest in losing weight?

 

Second, are you prepared for a evasive answer or a rejection?

 

You sound so much like me except you are a female. It is odd to hear you talk. It is really odd why he has no interest.

 

You will have to bring up the issue, but if he is like my wife, then I don't think you will get the answer you are looking for. he knows how you feel. And if he knows that you are losing weight because of him, then he knows the ball is in his court.

 

My guess is until you have noticeably lost weight, it would be best to wait.

 

BTW, we went four months and finally just had sex. And it bugs me that it didn't happen earlier since she does enjoy it, and she especially enjoys the cuddling. I am very curious why your husband has zero interest in sex. I cannot believe it is just weight gain, but IMO until he sees a noticeable difference in your figure, he will simply say that he hasn't seen enough of a difference yet.

 

Should I make overtures for sex and if I get shot down (like last time) then broach the topic?

 

Again, be prepared for rejection. However, if you want to actually gain ground in the allurement department, then now may be the time to act as if you no longer have interest in sex with him. Make him chase you.

 

Part of the excitement of sex is the chase. And even for guys who have a high sex drive, it can be more enjoyable to have to chase the wife. If she is always available, some of the challenge is gone.

 

I think you might begin improving your looks and weight with no apparent reason but for yourself. Get rid of the appearance of desperation. Be confident and know that other men DO find you beautiful. While the only opinion that matters to you is your H's, realize that he does not determine or even reflect who you are or how you look. Gaining that confidence will probably also make him realize that you cannot be taken for granted.

 

Should I let him know I have gotten other men's opinions about this?

 

No.

[mem11363]

FO,

How would he react if you said - "I realize I still have a ways to go - in the meantime I want us to see if we can find a way to touch each other that feels nice for both of us". So I am going to ask you to do 2 things for me:

- Don't touch yourself for the next 3-4 days and

- On the 4th or 5th day we give each other nice long sensual massages and see if it leads to something more - if it doesn't I will be disappointed - and I will get over it. If it does - then maybe we can have Saturday night dates nights where we play this game with each other until I get to where we both want me to be and it is no longer a once a week thing....

 

This shows commitment and asks for commitment. You asked for a male comment and I will give you one. The longer a man goes without having an orgasm the more sexual desire builds up in him. So unless he has the will power of a monk, he is taking care of himself. To make this game work he needs to stop - let his desire build and then play with you. This is him showing commitment to the marriage and to you. This is A TOTALLY fair request on your part.

 

I bet his biggest fear is that if you start to play with each other, you will lose your motivation to keep making progress. He may deny that - but I bet it is true. So if you convince him that you will stay the course - he should not resist you.

 

If he hasn't had an orgasm in 4/5 days and you

1. Give him a back massage and then when he is relaxed

2. A butt and inner thigh massage

3. Then roll him over - When you do he should be - err - erect

 

But this is important - he needs to play fair - he needs to give you a nice massage and he needs to make the effort to bring you to the rapture - 6 weeks - is a long long time.

 

I know a bit about this - around 4 years ago I quit my porn habit - totally quit touching the equipment. Since then the only person touches my equipment is my lovely wife. And that means when I go on a biz trip for a week and come back - the sex is so great. The intensity is just a lot higher when you haven't indulged in a while. It really is like how food tastes when you are very hungry.

 

FO - You are doing everything right and making a real effort to improve your marriage. He needs to meet you halfway. And you should feel comfortable applying some guilt here. Telling you to give up a lot of oral enjoyment (food), AND sex at the same time is just cruel....

 

If he is a jerk about this let us know - maybe one of us can play a practical joke on him. We could email him from an anonymous address - send him a mockup of a "new study" shows that men who are super sensitive to their mates weight have latent homosexual tendencies.

 

 

 

 

I want to ask but am afraid - I want to TALK to him about ALL of this but I'm afraid he's just done with the talking. I assume he's the "master of his domain", to quote Seinfield.

 

Tonight I made a wonderful candlelight dinner for us. He noticed, of course, and I made the comment that I was trying to add a little romance to life. . . it's led to nothing but watching TV tonight.

 

I seriously want a huge slice of chocolate cream pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wantingpassion]

I understand your pain. If you haven't gone to talk to someone yet, please do. When you are ready to lose the weight you will. No one can tell you to do it, in fact if they do you might not want to more! Once you decide to do it you will. I did.

[JackJack]

I want to ask but am afraid - I want to TALK to him about ALL of this but I'm afraid he's just done with the talking. I assume he's the "master of his domain", to quote Seinfield.

 

Tonight I made a wonderful candlelight dinner for us. He noticed, of course, and I made the comment that I was trying to add a little romance to life. . . it's led to nothing but watching TV tonight.

 

I seriously want a huge slice of chocolate cream pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I think its understandable you're afraid to ask him. However, you have a right to know. Of course that doesn't mean he will tell you, or even if he did doesn't mean he would be truthful. But I still say you should at least ask him.

[frustrated_one]

I am so sad today.

 

Last night at 10:30 we went to bed together after watching a movie. He actually stayed in the guest room. I was excited, thinking, maybe he's gotten the hint from my "romancing" comment about dinner.

 

Not. He rolled over and said "goodnight." Not even a kiss goodnight. I just laid there incredulous. So I started thinking about bringing up the not-having-sex issue. As the minutes went by, I tried to muster my courage. My heart was beating wildly. Finally, I took my index finger and I tapped his shoulder several times.

 

Without rolling over, he sleepily said, "what?" I asked if he was sleeping and he said, "almost" and then I said, "forget it." I laid there for another minute and then got up and went into our master bedroom where I climbed into a cold bed and cried myself to sleep.

 

He didn't come after me.

 

This morning he saw me in the bed and acted as if nothing was wrong. He even asked me to go on mile walk this morning. I did. I was quiet most of the time. I SO wanted to bring this up. I want to tell him how crushed his sexual indifference makes me feel. I am just so sad and broken.

 

JamesM - I hear what you are saying. I know I have only lost 10% of what I need to. I know it is not noticable, but my effort is. I would think, as you said, he would at least be turned on by that.

 

I keep going over the "script" in my head about how I will talk to him about this. I am praying about it.

 

You're right that he loved "the chase" of getting me - once you're married, that is gone, huh? I think I would have to be an Academy Award winning actress in order to pretend not to be desperate!

 

 

First, HOW would you do it? Would you be assertive and ask why he is not becoming more sexual now that you have shown interest in losing weight?

 

Second, are you prepared for a evasive answer or a rejection?

 

You sound so much like me except you are a female. It is odd to hear you talk. It is really odd why he has no interest.

 

You will have to bring up the issue, but if he is like my wife, then I don't think you will get the answer you are looking for. he knows how you feel. And if he knows that you are losing weight because of him, then he knows the ball is in his court.

 

My guess is until you have noticeably lost weight, it would be best to wait.

 

BTW, we went four months and finally just had sex. And it bugs me that it didn't happen earlier since she does enjoy it, and she especially enjoys the cuddling. I am very curious why your husband has zero interest in sex. I cannot believe it is just weight gain, but IMO until he sees a noticeable difference in your figure, he will simply say that he hasn't seen enough of a difference yet.

 

 

 

Again, be prepared for rejection. However, if you want to actually gain ground in the allurement department, then now may be the time to act as if you no longer have interest in sex with him. Make him chase you.

 

Part of the excitement of sex is the chase. And even for guys who have a high sex drive, it can be more enjoyable to have to chase the wife. If she is always available, some of the challenge is gone.

 

I think you might begin improving your looks and weight with no apparent reason but for yourself. Get rid of the appearance of desperation. Be confident and know that other men DO find you beautiful. While the only opinion that matters to you is your H's, realize that he does not determine or even reflect who you are or how you look. Gaining that confidence will probably also make him realize that you cannot be taken for granted.

 

 

 

No.

Edited November 12, 2009 by frustrated_one

[frustrated_one]

I think this is a very good suggestion - however, I do not think he would want to massage me. I think my body is "anti-Viagra" to him.

 

He's 50 - I'm not sure what the sex drive is of a 50-year-old healthy man, but my gosh, I certainly don't think asking for sex ONCE a week is asking that much? I mean, men's bodies are designed to NEED a physical sexual release even as they get older, aren't they?

 

I really just want to say to him, "So, since you have pretty much cut me off, what are you doing for sex?" That's what I really, really want to ask him. I know he's not having an affair - I just want to confront him but it's difficult.

 

Is it fair of me to ask him not to take care of himself? I would like to say, "Marriage means you are my only partner for fulfilling my sexual desires. Since we have not have sex for weeks and weeks, I have got to assume you are taking care of yourself. You know, that REALLY hurts me - you have a wife who is willing and wanting you, but I'm assuming you woud rather jack off."

 

FO,

How would he react if you said - "I realize I still have a ways to go - in the meantime I want us to see if we can find a way to touch each other that feels nice for both of us". So I am going to ask you to do 2 things for me:

- Don't touch yourself for the next 3-4 days and

- On the 4th or 5th day we give each other nice long sensual massages and see if it leads to something more - if it doesn't I will be disappointed - and I will get over it. If it does - then maybe we can have Saturday night dates nights where we play this game with each other until I get to where we both want me to be and it is no longer a once a week thing....

 

This shows commitment and asks for commitment. You asked for a male comment and I will give you one. The longer a man goes without having an orgasm the more sexual desire builds up in him. So unless he has the will power of a monk, he is taking care of himself. To make this game work he needs to stop - let his desire build and then play with you. This is him showing commitment to the marriage and to you. This is A TOTALLY fair request on your part.

 

I bet his biggest fear is that if you start to play with each other, you will lose your motivation to keep making progress. He may deny that - but I bet it is true. So if you convince him that you will stay the course - he should not resist you.

 

If he hasn't had an orgasm in 4/5 days and you

1. Give him a back massage and then when he is relaxed

2. A butt and inner thigh massage

3. Then roll him over - When you do he should be - err - erect

 

But this is important - he needs to play fair - he needs to give you a nice massage and he needs to make the effort to bring you to the rapture - 6 weeks - is a long long time.

 

I know a bit about this - around 4 years ago I quit my porn habit - totally quit touching the equipment. Since then the only person touches my equipment is my lovely wife. And that means when I go on a biz trip for a week and come back - the sex is so great. The intensity is just a lot higher when you haven't indulged in a while. It really is like how food tastes when you are very hungry.

 

FO - You are doing everything right and making a real effort to improve your marriage. He needs to meet you halfway. And you should feel comfortable applying some guilt here. Telling you to give up a lot of oral enjoyment (food), AND sex at the same time is just cruel....

 

If he is a jerk about this let us know - maybe one of us can play a practical joke on him. We could email him from an anonymous address - send him a mockup of a "new study" shows that men who are super sensitive to their mates weight have latent homosexual tendencies.

[TinyLee222]

Pandora, I have had several surgeries on my feet - 5 different procedures. Since those, I have pain when on the treadmill which was my primary mode of cardio.

 

And IT'S ME who wants sex - him who doesn't. I have to guilt him into it. I'm the one who wants sex, he's the one who doesn't.

 

Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex

 

I told him last Christmas that what I wanted as my gift was to have sex at least 4 times a month. That is NOT a lot, but it hasn't happened.

 

Pandora, I suppose depression could be a part of it. The economy has taken a toll on my business. I don't feel motivated about anything.

 

 

Hi,

 

I am new here and have been following this thread since the beginning.

I hope that you don't mind me posting being a newbie. From what I am gathering from your posts your husband doesn't seem to be a "sexual person". The above statement from you raises so many red flags IMO. I think the weight issue is a cover up for what is really going on in his head. I think that him focusing on your weight deflects the real

reason he is not having sex with you. IMO, you are entitled to

know whats going on so you can make an informed decision in

your marriage. You are too young to be living like this. And yes

50 year old men still love sex.

 

My first thought is that he is gay and in the closet. This happens way

more often than alot of women think. I know that you said that

you had sex often early in the marriage. Many times thats a coverup.

Why did his first wife say he wasn't sexual? She was not overweight.

My second thought is he having an affair? He isn't going to admit either if you confront him. I'll be honest with you I would be tempted to

have a keylogger installed on his computer to at least rule out

the gay and affair questions. But that is just me;)

 

Would you be open to getting IC for yourself? Woman to woman I hate

seeing your husband treat you like this, deflecting his own sexual

problems and making them your fault. Yeah, yeah, men are visual

sexual beings but a loving husband would not be turning down sex

like this unless there was an underlying cause, Overweight or not

overweight take care of yourself before you do anything. Do not

let him have power over you and ruin your self esteem. Get IC

and find out why you are allowing him to treat you like this!

 

I hope this post was not too strong I just call them like I see them.

 

Lee

[mem11363]

FO,

I turn 47 in January. At this point in life 2-4 times a week is great for me. I am certain that at 50, I will still want at least 2/week.

 

I do think you are within your rights to address this with him directly. And I think part of the answer has to be that he stops taking care of himself for a while to let his desire build.

 

If I took care of "myself" even every other day that would leave very little desire left for my wife.

 

Instead of being aggressive about his "habits" why not tell him what you want. In fact I might put it like this:

 

For the health of our marriage, I am limiting my calories, giving up desert and exercising daily. Does my sacrifice mean something to you? Does it make you feel more loved, more important to me?

 

HE BETTER SAY YES - AFTER HE DOES

 

Good. And I fully intend to stay on track. I also want you to make a sacrifice for me. I want you to only have sexual experiences with me. No more manual relief - let the desire build and then WE will please each other. This is really, really important to me. And if the situation was reversed I would make the effort to please you, even if we were in a situation where for some reason my desire level was lower then yours.

 

Are you willing to do that for me and for the health of our marriage?

 

 

I think this is a very good suggestion - however, I do not think he would want to massage me. I think my body is "anti-Viagra" to him.

 

He's 50 - I'm not sure what the sex drive is of a 50-year-old healthy man, but my gosh, I certainly don't think asking for sex ONCE a week is asking that much? I mean, men's bodies are designed to NEED a physical sexual release even as they get older, aren't they?

 

I really just want to say to him, "So, since you have pretty much cut me off, what are you doing for sex?" That's what I really, really want to ask him. I know he's not having an affair - I just want to confront him but it's difficult.

 

Is it fair of me to ask him not to take care of himself? I would like to say, "Marriage means you are my only partner for fulfilling my sexual desires. Since we have not have sex for weeks and weeks, I have got to assume you are taking care of yourself. You know, that REALLY hurts me - you have a wife who is willing and wanting you, but I'm assuming you woud rather jack off."

[JamesM]

I am so sad today.

 

I laid there for another minute and then got up and went into our master bedroom where I climbed into a cold bed and cried myself to sleep.

 

He didn't come after me.

 

I want to tell him how crushed his sexual indifference makes me feel. I am just so sad and broken.

 

I feel for you, and understand the pain you felt. I have been there so many times, but my wife gives me no reason other than she has no interest.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you have and completely understand.

 

JamesM - I hear what you are saying. I know I have only lost 10% of what I need to. I know it is not noticable, but my effort is. I would think, as you said, he would at least be turned on by that.

 

I agree, but if he truly is turned off by your weight, then I guess it makes sense it will take a dramatic difference to turn him on again. What bothers me (and I am guessing it still bothers you) is that his love would be so contingent on your weight and your looks.

 

As you said in your first couple of posts, why cannot he be turned on by you as a person?

 

And again, an underlying reason seems to be the answer. Perhaps as has been suggested, he has performance anxiety. Perhaps he has a problem getting an erection and wrongly blames it on your weight gain when in reality it is a medical issue. Or perhaps there is something that is a secret in his life which keeps him from enjoying sex with you.

 

I keep going over the "script" in my head about how I will talk to him about this. I am praying about it.

 

The moment will be there and the words will be there. Sometimes it is interesting how suddenly you find yourself taking about the problem. Whether that talk would bring any solutions...that is the question.

 

You're right that he loved "the chase" of getting me - once you're married, that is gone, huh? I think I would have to be an Academy Award winning actress in order to pretend not to be desperate!

 

Sadly, in time as you get more frustrated, you also become less hurt by it all. You actually become less interested yourself, and the love begins diminishing. I know. I have reached that point. This does not mean that the few times we do have sex that I do not enjoy it. It simply means that hope for change disappears.

 

And then being desperate turns to anger and a bit of a "Who cares" attitude. And then either you focus on looking good for yourself or for someone else...or stop worrying about your looks.

 

I don't want you to get to that point.

 

He's 50 - I'm not sure what the sex drive is of a 50-year-old healthy man, but my gosh, I certainly don't think asking for sex ONCE a week is asking that much? I mean, men's bodies are designed to NEED a physical sexual release even as they get older, aren't they?

 

As mem said, he is 47 and still has a sex drive. I am a young man compared to him...at 45. And I do not see myself losing all interest in sex at 50. Most certainly if my wife took the initiative and came after me, it would be impossible to resist.

 

BTW, what happens if you DO take the initiative and go directly for his "manhood?" Does he turn away? Does he even get hard? Have you tried?

 

I really just want to say to him, "So, since you have pretty much cut me off, what are you doing for sex?" That's what I really, really want to ask him. I know he's not having an affair - I just want to confront him but it's difficult.

 

You are afraid of the answer. I understand.

 

But even if he was in an affair, then why would he turn you down? Unless he considers this cheating on his affair partner. Unless he out of guilt can no longer have sex with you. IMO cutting you off would make him look MORE guilty than if he had sex with you.

 

Is it fair of me to ask him not to take care of himself?

 

Two people in a marriage should be free to discuss the problems that arise. If he is masturbating and because of it having no desire for you, then it is definitely fair.

 

Again, how would he respond?

 

 

I would like to say, "Marriage means you are my only partner for fulfilling my sexual desires. Since we have not have sex for weeks and weeks, I have got to assume you are taking care of yourself. You know, that REALLY hurts me - you have a wife who is willing and wanting you, but I'm assuming you woud rather jack off."

 

Or perhaps you can be less accusing and ask him if he lost his sex drive completely. Or at what point will he become sexually turned on by you....ie the weight he met you at. Sometimes being completely open and up front gives more answers than implied questions.

 

BTW, how did the two of you meet? Had he been divorced/separated for awhile? Did the two of you meet while he was in a relationship with someone else?

 

What did the two of you see in each other?

[giotto]

I turn 47 in January. At this point in life 2-4 times a week is great for me.

 

ah, ah, you lucky sod!

 

(47 next June...)

[mem11363]

As usual I think James advice is excellent.

 

I realize what I am about to ask may escalate, still I think it is fair.

 

If he is not willing to limit his sexual activities to you then I think you are justified installing keyloggers on his computers. I do NOT think he is having an affair. I really don't. I do think you need to see what kind of porn he likes - and hey maybe he is the one guy in a hundred who can be completely celibate and he never watches porn, never masturbates and is simply content to never have sex. I just doubt it.

 

I do not wish to turn this into a thread about porn. I do however feel very strongly that if porn replaces real sex, that is a type of infidelity. I am not making a moral statement about porn. Plenty of guys ( me included ) use it as an overflow valve because their sex drives are much higher than their wives. But to cut your partner off - while you are satisfying yourself on your laptop - that is wrong.

 

FO - I do know what it is like to feel undesired. It is awful. It really hurt to read your post about crying yourself to sleep and then sleeping alone.

 

 

I feel for you, and understand the pain you felt. I have been there so many times, but my wife gives me no reason other than she has no interest.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you have and completely understand.

 

 

 

I agree, but if he truly is turned off by your weight, then I guess it makes sense it will take a dramatic difference to turn him on again. What bothers me (and I am guessing it still bothers you) is that his love would be so contingent on your weight and your looks.

 

As you said in your first couple of posts, why cannot he be turned on by you as a person?

 

And again, an underlying reason seems to be the answer. Perhaps as has been suggested, he has performance anxiety. Perhaps he has a problem getting an erection and wrongly blames it on your weight gain when in reality it is a medical issue. Or perhaps there is something that is a secret in his life which keeps him from enjoying sex with you.

 

 

 

The moment will be there and the words will be there. Sometimes it is interesting how suddenly you find yourself taking about the problem. Whether that talk would bring any solutions...that is the question.

 

 

 

Sadly, in time as you get more frustrated, you also become less hurt by it all. You actually become less interested yourself, and the love begins diminishing. I know. I have reached that point. This does not mean that the few times we do have sex that I do not enjoy it. It simply means that hope for change disappears.

 

And then being desperate turns to anger and a bit of a "Who cares" attitude. And then either you focus on looking good for yourself or for someone else...or stop worrying about your looks.

 

I don't want you to get to that point.

 

 

 

As mem said, he is 47 and still has a sex drive. I am a young man compared to him...at 45. And I do not see myself losing all interest in sex at 50. Most certainly if my wife took the initiative and came after me, it would be impossible to resist.

 

BTW, what happens if you DO take the initiative and go directly for his "manhood?" Does he turn away? Does he even get hard? Have you tried?

 

 

 

You are afraid of the answer. I understand.

 

But even if he was in an affair, then why would he turn you down? Unless he considers this cheating on his affair partner. Unless he out of guilt can no longer have sex with you. IMO cutting you off would make him look MORE guilty than if he had sex with you.

 

 

 

Two people in a marriage should be free to discuss the problems that arise. If he is masturbating and because of it having no desire for you, then it is definitely fair.

 

Again, how would he respond?

 

 

 

 

Or perhaps you can be less accusing and ask him if he lost his sex drive completely. Or at what point will he become sexually turned on by you....ie the weight he met you at. Sometimes being completely open and up front gives more answers than implied questions.

 

BTW, how did the two of you meet? Had he been divorced/separated for awhile? Did the two of you meet while he was in a relationship with someone else?

 

What did the two of you see in each other?

[samspade]

With all due respect to the OP, I think you owe it to your spouse to stay relatively in shape and attractive, barring some debilitating medical condition (I have not read the entire thread so I don't know if this is the case).

 

I understand why you feel sad and dejected, but imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. I don't mean weight gain - women are more adept at looking past physical attributes. Imagine if your husband's masculinity began diminishing: His leadership, his confidence, his ability to provide, and his overall behavior. Imagine, in short, that he turned into a complete wussbag. I know it sounds odd, but this is the obverse equivalent of you letting yourself go physically. Look around the infidelity forums here, you'll see that this is a classic excuse for wives to start pleasing themselves, and ultimately, to find another man to please them.

 

Men, on the other hand, are attracted to physical beauty. It's a fact of nature, and although we're called "pigs" and worse for this, it is not likely to change. I'm sure your husband loves you, and wants to WANT to have sex with you. But just as a man who has lost his attractiveness - his mojo - must take the proper steps to regain it, so must you also take the reins in your life. You are in complete control over your weight and can change it. I suggest you stop game planning for how to have this talk or work on that issue, and simply resolve to whip your a$$ into shape. This way, you won't be begging your husband for empathy or pity sex - you'll be re-establishing your sex appeal and giving him a reason to chase you again while you turn heads walking down the street.

 

I hope that helps. I'm sure it's not easy, but you can do it.

[Jersey Shortie]

OP, I said it before and I will say it again. You need to work on YOU for you. All you seem to care about is if you can get sex or not. You are too wrapped up in your husband, his needs and his feelings and are sacrificing yourself to it. Your husband, currently, is proving not to be a very supportive partner. I mean, that's great that men are visual but it doesn't give them licenses to treat their partners like crap.

 

No offense but you have to work on you first. Because your husband is clearly thinking about himself first.