No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[frustrated_one]

I should have typed that sex is based only on physical attraction.

 

I think what bothers me most about this entire situation is what JamesM has said in previous posts.

 

When you are not in a relationship, your attraction is based only on sex. Once you are in a relationship, the "whole package" is taken into consideration, or at least it should be.

[clv0116]

I am sorry to say that I think he is just not turned on. Until she speaks up or we are told otherwise, it is the weight. I don't mean to be callous but that is the Title of this post and many have sugarcoated or pussyfooted around the issue.

 

Yup, she's packed it on and he can't get excited about it now.

[clv0116]

When you are not in a relationship, your attraction is based only on sex. Once you are in a relationship, the "whole package" is taken into consideration, or at least it should be.

 

So I feel pretty objectified ...

 

First I think you're doing a good thing, keep it up. Second, sex is what it is, I'm sure he sees OTHER things in you he values but he's just not feeling the physical attraction.

[frustrated_one]

Yes, I am heavier but I am not some rolly polly. My friends who are supporting me in my weightloss efforts agree I need to lose. However, they are all shocked when I tell them I want to lose 50 lbs. THEY can't see it. Of course, I think most of us look better in clothes but still, I look stylish and always get compliments from others when we are out. Just never from my husband.

 

We were at a wine tasting a few weeks ago and got into a conversation with a man that lasted off and on throughout the evening. On two different occasions he commented on my long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. My husband was there and I was SO glad he was.

 

Yup, she's packed it on and he can't get excited about it now.

[TinyLee222]

Yes, I am heavier but I am not some rolly polly. My friends who are supporting me in my weightloss efforts agree I need to lose. However, they are all shocked when I tell them I want to lose 50 lbs. THEY can't see it. Of course, I think most of us look better in clothes but still, I look stylish and always get compliments from others when we are out. Just never from my husband.

 

We were at a wine tasting a few weeks ago and got into a conversation with a man that lasted off and on throughout the evening. On two different occasions he commented on my long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. My husband was there and I was SO glad he was.

 

Awesome! Women would die for long blonde hair and blue eyes!

I hope your hubby thought long and hard after that statement..

Originally Posted by clv0116

Yup, she's packed it on and he can't get excited about it now.

I'd love to see a pic of you

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I know I am coming across as jaded and cynical. I just don't know why

you are sticking up for him. Please don't blame yourself for his

dysfunction. Him pushing you away is such an insult. You are worth more

than that. Have you thought about IC? Do it for yourself! You deserve it.

 

Lee

I don't understand this mind set if I read her post right her husband is not attracted to her anymore after a weight gain no? if I'm wrong please forgive me OP but why should men or women for that matter be forced into sex with some one there just not attracted to anymore? just because your married doesn't mean the buck stops there!

 

And we can let ourselves go I'm in no way trying to bash you OP please know that. I can Imagen it must be such a hard situation your in you need to sit down and sort it all out with your husband Hun.

 

And if it is the weight gain and he cannot get past it then you need to make a decision as to how to best handle it cause the way your living now is not good. And its not right to use religion against him to shame him into sex either after all thats not real love in the end is it?

[clv0116]

I'd love to see a pic of you

 

 

Sorry hon, I'm taken.

[mem11363]

The last thing that should happen here is for you to begin to question your core personality. From reading your posts you are strong and passionate. That is a great thing. Do not start questioning that. I bet he loves you for it as much as he did at the start. With that said, HIS lack of support is likely making you more edgy which is totally normal. And a strong person who is edgy can be a bit of a handful. I say that from painful experience with my own personal Tigress. But you are edgy because he is starving you. He needs to accept that.

 

I looked back at the original post. Sex life was good until he raised the weight issue. And then downhill. I do think you have a good chance of fixing it by fixing your weight. I just want to add one more question to the mix of others that we suggested regarding how he currently pleases himself.

 

I would ask him this:

 

Are you looking forward to the day when I am back in shape and we resume a normal sex life?

 

Because that is a key point. HE BETTER SAY YES - ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

 

To net this out if he isn't willing to talk about/stop pleasuring himself and isn't looking forward to having sex with a fitter you then there are other issues on top of this one. And I don't think it is fair to you to not know that.

 

He needs to be totally transparent at this point.

 

 

I think what bothers me most about this entire situation is what JamesM has said in previous posts.

 

When you are not in a relationship, your attraction is based only on sex. Once you are in a relationship, the "whole package" is taken into consideration, or at least it should be.

 

So I feel pretty objectified, you know? I'm not the sum total of the parts, I'm just the body. It seems so superficial. I know, I know men are visual, but it's like when you develop a relationship over the phone. The person seems so wonderful without seeing the package and then, when you see what they look like, you can be turned off.

 

I have been doing some reading online and two things piqued my interest:

1) Male menopause - they say men my husbands age who are not interested in sex may be experiencing menopause. They have normal levels of testosterone but their bodies do not respond in normal fashion. Hormone therapy is effective in treating low sex drive in male menopause.

 

2) I have read that there is an emotional aspect of sex for men - it's not all physical. They say if a husband is angry or feels belittled, constantly criticized or hen pecked that it can impact his sex drive.

 

So I thought, well, if he is angry with my because of my weight gain, then this may help to explain. The other aspect, which I must honestly look at is his perception of my behavior.

 

Several weeks ago we were driving and an issue came up and we got into a fight. At one point my cell phone rang and I picked it up to see who was calling and then I took the call. I turned off the CD playing, as I didn't want to compete with it and also he loves music and he would not like it that I was talking over it. Well, that set him off!

 

When I got off the phone he was furious. He said there was always something more important than him. Anytime my phone rings I HAVE to answer it and WHEN was HE going to be a priority (now remember, we were in the car going to get a pizza because HE wanted one.)

 

I challenged him on this. I mean really, answering the cell phone and stopping his CD in his car was being disrespectful? Meant that he wasn't important? Meant that he wasn't a priority? When things settled down I asked him about the statement. I told him to please give me examples of things I do that communicate this to him. He would not. Later when we got home he apologzied and said he shouldn't have lost his temper.

 

But you know, I think back to that and wonder if somehow this is tied into these feelings he has that has made him not want to have sex with me. I have a very strong personality. He loved that about me. He loved the challenge and how I would "fight" him and not give in. When I am on the computer and he is around, he says I make him feel unimportant. He wants my undivided attention.

 

Has that positive thing he loved about me now turned around to become a negative? I try not to be bossy. I try to be respectful but I obviously see things from my perspective. I turned off the CD because I didn't want to talk over it and for him to miss it.

 

I wish I had the answers.

[TinyLee222]

I don't understand this mind set if I read her post right her husband is not attracted to her anymore after a weight gain no? if I'm wrong please forgive me OP but why should men or women for that matter be forced into sex with some one there just not attracted to anymore? just because your married doesn't mean the buck stops there!

 

And we can let ourselves go I'm in no way trying to bash you OP please know that. I can Imagen it must be such a hard situation your in you need to sit down and sort it all out with your husband Hun.

 

And if it is the weight gain and he cannot get past it then you need to make a decision as to how to best handle it cause the way your living now is not good. And its not right to use religion against him to shame him into sex either after all thats not real love in the end is it?

 

 

I totally agree with you if it's only the weight gain. Once she has lost

the weight she can decide whether she even wants to be with him

anymore. I think there are other things at play. He may be bothered by the extra weight but I think that's an excuse for other things going on in his head.

 

Lee

 

Frustrated One wrote:

 

>>Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

>>Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they ded not have much sex.

 

>>He and I dated off and an for three years - long distance. I was away getting my masters. We would see each other when I came home but it was casual (no sex). He wanted to marry me but I was young and wanted to live on the coast where I had gone to school. He wanted to stay in our home state. He proposed, I said no and that was that. We never had sex but were still intimate (second/third base).

 

(No sex in 3 years of dating) Red Flag??

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I totally agree with you if it's only the weight gain. Once she has lost

the weight she can decide whether she even wants to be with him

anymore. I think there are other things at play. He may be bothered by the extra weight but I think that's an excuse for other things going on in his head.

 

Lee

 

Frustrated One wrote:

 

>>Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

>>Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they ded not have much sex.

 

>>He and I dated off and an for three years - long distance. I was away getting my masters. We would see each other when I came home but it was casual (no sex). He wanted to marry me but I was young and wanted to live on the coast where I had gone to school. He wanted to stay in our home state. He proposed, I said no and that was that. We never had sex but were still intimate (second/third base).

 

(No sex in 3 years of dating) Red Flag??

Sure they did not have sex "much" but! they still had it now from what I gather from the Ops original post.

 

He will not even touch/kiss her anymore big difference no? maybe hes not a sexual person its possible. I'm not really a sexual person I could care less most days to be honest I'm female tho.

 

On the other hand hes a guy their different I believe that most men are at least 98% visually driven in life hence they either find their partner attractive or they don't and very rarely can they simply ignore it and carry on if they don't.

[frustrated_one]

If you have ever seen Tara Reid, then you have a good idea of what I looked like when I was in my 130s. On pretty much a weekly basis people told me that I looked like her. In one instance, a guy thought I was her!

 

I try to take it as a compliment - she's like 25 and I was 40 something! She's kinda of a skank, which I'm not, but maybe on her good day, that's when there was a resemblance!

 

Awesome! Women would die for long blonde hair and blue eyes!

I hope your hubby thought long and hard after that statement..

 

 

Originally Posted by clv0116

 

Yup, she's packed it on and he can't get excited about it now.

 

 

I'd love to see a pic of you

[frustrated_one]

We are going out to a movie tonight (2012 - his idea). He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner first but I said I had already eaten for the night, so we're skipping that.

 

I am hoping, of course, that we'll have sex tonight but regardless of whether we do or don't, I promise that tomorrow I AM GOING TO BRING UP OUR NON-EXISTANT sex life and ASK WHAT HE IS DOING. I'm going to nicely confront him.

 

Pray for me!

[BentSpine]

Consider how much of the following applies to you:

 

It's more important for you to be right than to be happy. You get your biggest pay off, not from sexual satisfaction as most men do, but from getting the feeling that you came out "victorious" in the discussion. And your self-righthous view has always been that if only men listened to you, then they would snap out of their delusional need for visual attraction.

 

So the idea of possibly admitting to yourself today that you have been wrong all your adult life causes you more pain than simply trudging along, as before, feeling undesired. That is why you choose to continue as before, only this time upping the shaming and guilt-tripping as a final chance. A final chance of getting both sexual satisfaction and the sense of being right.

 

You feel that if you could only get one single man to make love to you when over weight, that would be a "See guys, you only THINK you don't like fat. I was right. Up Yours!" You have subconsciously gained fat to test how good your man is in this fat regard. And now he, like other "shallow" men, has failed according to you.

 

You obviously chose not to accept men's need for visual stimulation. Since if you did, you would have to either start loosing weight OR look for one of the few men for whom your weight would not be a sexual turn off. Focus would either be on you in the case of loosing weight, or on other prospective men in the case of you looking elsewhere for both sexual satisfaction and companionship.

Edited November 14, 2009 by BentSpine

[frustrated_one]

I think the only part of what's below that applies to me is that I like to be right. Sadly, most of the time I AM right, but I have learned in being married that "right fighting" isn't a successful strategy for communication.

 

I am a prideful person and have been very humbled during the past several years by what I have been going thru with my weight and marriage.

 

 

Consider how much of the following applies to you:

 

It's more important for you to be right than to be happy. You get your biggest pay off, not from sexual satisfaction as most men do, but from getting the feeling that you came out "victorious" in the discussion. And your self-righthous view has always been that if only men listened to you, then they would snap out of their delusional need for visual attraction.

 

So the idea of possibly admitting to yourself today that you have been wrong all your adult life causes you more pain than simply trudging along, as before, feeling undesired. That is why you choose to continue as before, only this time upping the shaming and guilt-tripping as a final chance. A final chance of getting both sexual satisfaction and the sense of being right.

 

You feel that if you could only get one single man to make love to you when over weight, that would be a "See guys, you only THINK you don't like fat. I was right. Up Yours!" You have subconsciously gained fat to test how good your man is in this fat regard. And now he, like other "shallow" men, has failed according to you.

 

You obviously chose not to accept men's need for visual stimulation. Since if you did, you would have to either start loosing weight OR look for one of the few men for whom your weight would not be a sexual turn off. Focus would either be on you in the case of loosing weight, or on other prospective men in the case of you looking elsewhere for both sexual satisfaction and companionship.

[JackJack]

FO, how was your date night last night?

[frustrated_one]

Well, I did it! I talked to him about our "no sex" issue.

 

We went to bed last night (together) but once again, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I left and slept alone in our master bedroom.

 

This morning when I woke up, I went to the guest bedroom and climbed into bed. He asked my if I had left last night because he was snoring. I said no and then took a big breath and said, "every time you decide to stay and sleep in bed with me, I always hope we're going to have sex, but we never do. It's crushing."

 

He rolled over and grabbed my hand and said "sorry."

 

That's how the conversation began.

 

I won't give a play by play, but I did bring up a lot of the things that have been written about on this thread. When I told him I was wondering what he was doing to relieve himself since it was going on two months since we had sex, he said, "Nothing."

 

I told him I KNOW that guys are built to need a physical release. He didn't specifically address that but when I said, "I know you're not seeing anyone else and I know you don't look at porn," and he confirmed that he IS NOT doing those things.

 

Of course, I was crying as I said these things. I hate that, I think it's emotional blackmail but I couldn't help myself. We were in bed and he was holding me, rubbing my arm and every now and again he was kissing my forehead.

 

I did not "blame" him, in fact, I point blank said "I know it's my fault that we are not having sex."

 

I just let him talk and tried not to interrupt. He said my weight is the issue, period. He just wants the girl he married back. He said my beauty is obscured by my weight.

 

He said he is very hurt. He provides everything I could ever want (in terms of a home, vacations, money, etc.) and he feels like he doesn't ask for much in return. HE said he wants to feel that HE is more important than food.

 

He reiterated that he feels like I have done a bait and switch. I was looking good and working out when we got married but after that, nothin'. I've just "let myself go."

 

He said for the last three years he has asked me to do something about the weight but I've done nothing. I told him that was on true, I had started and stopped many time, trying to get motivated. I was not doing nothing, I have been trying but it's in fits and starts.

 

I reminded him that I hate working out, and that it is a very hard thing to get motivated to do. I reminded him that he says he loves working out, yet he talks more about working out than he acutally does working out. "So," I said, "If you have a hard time getting and staying motivated to work out and you love it, imagine how hard it is for someone who hates working out."

 

He distinguished loving me from being attracted to me and not being visually stimulated so that he could have sex.

 

I said that when we do have sex, the few times where I have basically cornered or guilted him into it, he never seems to have a problem getting into it. I asked if he thinks of someone else. He said no.

 

I told him I understood how he feels. I understand he feels like he got the bait and switch. I understand his frustration and having told ne 20lbs ago that my weight was an issue and I've just gained more weight. I told him how difficult it is for me. I feel like my looks should be just one of several measurements of attraction.

 

I told him that I, too, feel like the victim of a bait and switch. When we dated, he talked about how he loved my personality, values, knowledge, ideas, etc. Yes, I knew he loved my blonde hair and big blue eyes but it was those other things he always focused on and that was what set him apart from all the others.

 

He said that he has felt like I have been very stubborn, having an attitude of "no man is going to tell me what to do." I acknowledge that I am a very stubborn person, but that I have had issues with my weight all my life and that marriage has brought a new comlication to my battle of the bludge.

 

I realize it may not be correct, but I feel like he will only love me if I am a cetain jean size. If I am a trophy wife he can parade around and show off. When I said, "What if something were to happen to me in an accident and it effected my looks?" He immediately said, "That's different, that's beyond your control." I told him I have felt backed into a corner and I have been doing a lot of reading and trying to work thru it. He immediately said, "You don't have to read anything, just get downstairs and work out."

 

I used Mem's line and said, "I am sure your greatest fear is that I am going to stop working out and watching my diet but I am not. I am really trying, I am not happy this size and I want look like the woman you married."

 

I told him it is hard because he gives me no affection and sex, and I need those things from him. I reminded him of how sensitive I am to his criticism, I value what he says to me and he can crush me with even a little criticism. I told him, for example, that when I get dressed up and try to look nice, he never gives me a compliment, so over time it creates a very defeatest attitude a, "why even try?" mentality. I understand that he is someone who does not lie and if he doesn't think I don't look nice, then he won't say anything . . . it's a vicious cycle.

 

I told him that our last vacation was horrible for me. There had been no sex and we were in some of the most romantic inns. He just said, "I'm sorry."

 

Overall, it I think it was a very good conversation.

 

Afterwards, he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I told him no, that was not why I was having this conversation. I told him I was going to continue to workout and lose weight and that I was looking forward to the day when my looks created a desire in him to want to have sex with me. He rolled over and gave me a big hug. We embraced and one thing led to another and - yeah, we had sex!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

We are going out to a movie tonight (2012 - his idea). He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner first but I said I had already eaten for the night, so we're skipping that.

 

I am hoping, of course, that we'll have sex tonight but regardless of whether we do or don't, I promise that tomorrow I AM GOING TO BRING UP OUR NON-EXISTANT sex life and ASK WHAT HE IS DOING. I'm going to nicely confront him.

 

Pray for me!

[NowhereToHide]

I have been watching this thread and haven't posted until now. This last post really got to me.

 

I get that men are visual, but really? To this extent?

 

I have gone through two pregnancies and breast-feeding... my body is nothing like it was when we were married. While I am now back down to my wedding weight, I have not been for much of our marriage. I have had up to 35 more lbs. on me and my husband has NEVER stopped desiring me. He loves me for me. Does he prefer me at my weight now? I suppose, he's never actually said that. But he loves ME... my intelligence, my humor, my heart. He's not at his ideal weight anymore either, but nothing has changed for me.

 

I think your husband has issues, and unfortunately you are in a difficult spot. Because if I were you, and I lost all the weight that I needed to in order to get my H to desire me again, I would be PISSED OFF... plain and simple. I would resent him, and it certainly wouldn't help my marriage. I would resent him for this "conditional" acceptance of you. He doesn't love you the way a husband should love you.

 

I think you are doing everything you can in your situation. And losing the weight for yourself is never a bad thing.

 

But as marriages move forward, people change. People get new interests, start to like new things, even start to become different people in some ways. It is your decision to find the YOU that you want to be (devoid of any emotional blackmail from your life partner), with the hope that you and your H will grow together, not apart.

 

In my opinion, this isn't a weight issue. But if it IS a weight issue, then that says a lot about the man you married.

[PandorasBox]

Are you glad it lead to sex? Do you feel you got your point across or maybe he was giving you pity sex?

 

Anyway, since this is ALL about YOU and it is, after all its about YOUR weight, you said it yourself you thought that's what it was and he has confirmed it. It seems he can do no wrong. You put him upon a pedestool while you're left to get that weight off or he doesn't want to be affectionate. He doesn't lie, he isn't into porn or running around. He works hard to provide for you so you can have this and that, material things, etc etc. That's all wonderful! However this is what sticks out to me. "But I feel like he will only love me if I'm a certain jean size."

 

I understand why you feel that way and it does come across like that. So, lets say you work hard and lose weight. Time goes by and for whatever reason you gain weight again, what's next? Is he going to cut you off again from sex? Is he going to with hold love and affection from you again?

[torranceshipman]

I don't think the H is doing anything wrong. It isn't healthy / the human body is just not designed to be significantly overweight or obese. It is natural for him to not find you attractive when you put on a significant amount of weight. If my boyfriend put on an extra 40 pounds I would love him all the same but I would not be as sexually attracted to him. I might get flamed for this, but really, I think there is a hell of a lot of over-intellectualization going on in this thread.

 

He was sexually attracted before the significant weight gain, he is not sexually attracted after the weight gain. He totally loves and values all of you other qualities but the physical sight of your body is what will turn him on and make him feel sexual, and if he sees a really overweight version of the woman that he married, why should he, by default, be expected to get that natural feeling of being turned on as he did before? He's being honest by admitting his feelings, still loves you, is not going elsewhere to gain his satsfaction and has been sad over this for years and just put up with it. Really, losing weight is the only way to get this sexual life of yours back in full force.

 

If YOU are fine being overweight, then more power to you - I am all about people being happy in their own skin - but it is arrogant to demand that your H, who married you when you were 40 pounds lighter (or whatever) to find you sexually attractive by default, no matter how overweight you get. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but realize that HE is his own man, and he can't think exactly how you want him to, especially when it is a natural, animal kind of urge that we are talking about.

 

Best of luck though...I hope it all works out for you.

[Juniper22]

I think you are a very trusting person and there is nothing wrong with that. However, you come across as 100% sure he is doing none of the things some other posters mentioned. You are sure he isn't into porn (maybe he isn't) You are sure there isn't another woman/man involved. (once again, maybe there isn't) But its almost like to you there is just no way that is possible. Because if in fact it is about your weight like he claims, then not only is he leaving you vulnerable but he is leaving himself very vulnerable as well. You are both affair material waiting to happen. Because nether of you are getting certain needs met. I didn't say you would have one, or that he would.

 

I mean its highly possible he is happy and content with sitting around reading the paper and twiddling his thumbs while he tells you IT IS YOUR WEIGHT, and that he is doing nothing for a release. Did you ever stop to think he might be or could be telling you a lie? I'm not saying HE IS, I'm saying do you think he COULD be lying and that there is something esle going on he isn't coming clean about?? And yes, its possible its just your weight only, and that he has an issue with it and always will, unless you always continue to meet a certain weight standard for him.

Edited November 14, 2009 by Juniper22

[TinyLee222]

Overall, it I think it was a very good conversation.

 

Afterwards, he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I told him no, that was not why I was having this conversation. I told him I was going to continue to workout and lose weight and that I was looking forward to the day when my looks created a desire in him to want to have sex with me. He rolled over and gave me a big hug. We embraced and one thing led to another and - yeah, we had sex!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Sure it's a good conversation for HIM. He is calling all the shots

and he is full of **** saying that it's all about the weight. If you don't

think that the above is demeaning and sad than I won't argue with

you. I don't think you will ever be good enough for him. I would

loose the weight and then leave his sorry ass. Pity sex is worse

than no sex IMO. I'd be on that treadmill and using a vibrator.

[JackJack]

Frustrated, it's good you all finally had a conversation.

 

I must ask this though, if its ALL about your weight only, and he needs to feel visually attracted to you to have sex or be physically intimate with you, then why when you all do have sex, he has no problem performing? Sex is good when you do have it right?

 

I was thinking maybe, if it was just the weight thing and he needed to be visually turned on by you, then he would have problems in the sex department like getting aroused, but yet it doesn't seem to really be an issue for him.

 

Anyway, since he finally told you, it was YOUR WEIGHT that was the issue, how does it make you feel? Did he just pretty much confirm what you already thought? Does it make you feel good and more motivated to know it was YOU and only YOU that was the problem? Does it make you feel like picking up that medicine ball he bought you and working out?

[blair08]

I don't know, it seems kind of like a control thing to me.

 

"I shall control you by with holding my love and affection and sex from you. I'll reward you by giving myself to you, but only after you lose weight, and I hope to get back the thinner person I once married."

 

I understand people being visual, and I understand him wanting you to lose some weight. BUT he also realizes there is more to a person, correct?

 

I understand you need to lose weight for you, and you should, and that if you want to lose it for him to be interested in you that is understandable, but good luck with that challenge because it might be one you're always faced with, because obviously you're not meeting up to his standards.

[clv0116]

I don't know, it seems kind of like a control thing to me.

 

 

It seems like a lot more than a simple "you're too fat today" thing but it sounds a lot like some stored up anger over something and that something could very well be a long period of being frustrated by a partner who packs on weight without regard for the other person.

 

On the other hand it might be something else, but losing the lard is a win-win in any case.

[EmmaLou]

This rings true for me as my mum has gone through the same as you, but for nearly twenty years now.

She stayed slim until she turned 40, through three pregnancies.. She then went through menopause and the weight crept on. The biggest she's been is a size 16 uk, which is a US 12. For all that time, my dad hasn't touched her affectionately, no kisses, cuddles, definitely no sex. She's felt unloved and that, even after raising his children and taking care of him, his love for her is conditional on her being slim.

She got down to a size 10 uk (US 6) after having teeth problems and only eating soup. He couldn't keep his hands off her after 15 yrs of no touching. She put the weight back on and he's gone back to nothingness.

 

Just like you, she doesn't know how he had relieved himself all those years. He doesn't know how to work a computer and doesn't have a video/dvd player to watch porn on... basically a techno-phobe. He hasn't cheated with anyone, as he's always spent all his time as the bookies (he's a gambling addict). It explains why he can be grumpy. So he's shot himself in the foot really.. A willing horny wife, himself with sexual needs... but he chose to have nothing.

 

It really upsets me as she stayed with him for the children, but is living in a loveless marriage. And now we're grown up, she's trapped. He's 65 and still has these shallow expectations. His father was the same, and pressured my gran to lose weight even in her eighties!! I get upset when I see old couples where the man ADORES his plump wife, and loves her as they both grow old together, knowing she's bore his offspring and that they've made great memories together.

I'm slim, but I put weight on with the pill and my boyfriend still couldn't stop feeling my bum and touching my body, saying he didn't care what weight I was, he loves me for BEING ME and he says I'm his queen who he adores. Most of my friends have weight on them and their boyfriends can't keep their hands off them. So NO, not all men have strict 'visual' standards.

 

I'm sorry, I don't know what advice I can give.. Lose weight for you if it will make you more confident.. But know in the back of your mind, that you'll now forever be under pressure to stay slim, feel nervous and uncomfortable eating anything slightly indulgent infront of him, feel sub- conscious naked, always feel a bit angry towards him knowing his love isn't unconditional.. I once fell for a guy, everything was great, and then I had some chocolate infront of him and he said "careful, don't want you getting fat!!" I laughed it off, but that killed the limerance I had for him.. knowing I would always be paranoid about his attraction, through pregnancies etc..

Good luck with the weight loss, try not to use him as a motivator as you're just adding more pressure to yourself.. Think of how it will be good for YOU. And I'm happy you had sex recently! and hope you didn't feel self-conscious throughout it knowing he wasn't attracted to you.

 

xx