No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

November 14, 2009

I understand your point of view and have been dealing with having those same feelings for the past 30 pounds (which I have put on since he told me the first 20 bothered him.)

When I first posted this message, someone responded and mentioned a Dr. Harley. I Googled him and read quite a bit that he had on his website. I ordered his book and have read thru it.

He identifies the top five emotional needs of both men and women. In the top five of MOST (but not all) men is physical attraction and he says that's often tied to weight. Reading that chapter and some additional information on his website has helped in how I view this.

According to Dr. Harley, having an emotional need to have a physically attractive partner is just as valid as the need for conversation, affection, financial support, etc.

My husband and I spoke very candidly this morning, I told him while I do understand what he is saying, it just seems SO different than me wanting him to snuggle with me or bring me flowers. You know? It does seem conditional. In our conversation I even said, "So you're punishing me by not having sex?" He immediately said he was not punishing me. Basically he said he couldn't perform - the visual doesn't stimulate him.

Now, I wonder about that - I said to him, "When we do have sex, you never seem to have a problem. Are you thinking about someone else?" He said no, but I could not see his face. Maybe he was not telling me the truth.

I am kinda hoping tonight to get clarification on that issue as well as what he is doing for physical relief when we don't have sex for two months. He says nothing, but men are built to need that release. So, I'm still wondering.

Anyway, I do still struggle with this. I AM NOT HAPPY with MY WEIGHT and want to lose it. But as I have written on previous posts, I guess I wanted to lose it on my terms and not feeling like I kinda had a gun held to my head.

I have been watching this thread and haven't posted until now. This last post really got to me.

I get that men are visual, but really? To this extent?

I have gone through two pregnancies and breast-feeding... my body is nothing like it was when we were married. While I am now back down to my wedding weight, I have not been for much of our marriage. I have had up to 35 more lbs. on me and my husband has NEVER stopped desiring me. He loves me for me. Does he prefer me at my weight now? I suppose, he's never actually said that. But he loves ME... my intelligence, my humor, my heart. He's not at his ideal weight anymore either, but nothing has changed for me.

I think your husband has issues, and unfortunately you are in a difficult spot. Because if I were you, and I lost all the weight that I needed to in order to get my H to desire me again, I would be PISSED OFF... plain and simple. I would resent him, and it certainly wouldn't help my marriage. I would resent him for this "conditional" acceptance of you. He doesn't love you the way a husband should love you.

I think you are doing everything you can in your situation. And losing the weight for yourself is never a bad thing.

But as marriages move forward, people change. People get new interests, start to like new things, even start to become different people in some ways. It is your decision to find the YOU that you want to be (devoid of any emotional blackmail from your life partner), with the hope that you and your H will grow together, not apart.

In my opinion, this isn't a weight issue. But if it IS a weight issue, then that says a lot about the man you married.

November 14, 2009

There is a chapter in Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" that deals with your problem. Some poster a few pages back recommended the book as well. I think the book may be of help.

EDIT to Add: I saw you just ordered Harley's book.

November 14, 2009

Yes and no. Yes, I'm glad it lead to sex. I dono't feel like I was trying to get a point across. I felt like we needed to talk about this again.

I was not trying to get him to have sex with me, I actually turned him down three times. But when we embraced, he got aroused . . . he was the one who then needed/wanted to have sex. So no, I don't feel like it was pity sex.

Yes, I do feel like if I lose the weight and regain it we will have the same issue. Right now, I am looking at it like this - my "job" in our relationship is to workout and keep the weight off. He is the one who supports us - he goes to the office. I work from home but am not pressured to make money. It is more important to him that I be the trophy wife - that's the truth. It is what it is.

Are you glad it lead to sex? Do you feel you got your point across or maybe he was giving you pity sex?

Anyway, since this is ALL about YOU and it is, after all its about YOUR weight, you said it yourself you thought that's what it was and he has confirmed it. It seems he can do no wrong. You put him upon a pedestool while you're left to get that weight off or he doesn't want to be affectionate. He doesn't lie, he isn't into porn or running around. He works hard to provide for you so you can have this and that, material things, etc etc. That's all wonderful! However this is what sticks out to me. "But I feel like he will only love me if I'm a certain jean size."

I understand why you feel that way and it does come across like that. So, lets say you work hard and lose weight. Time goes by and for whatever reason you gain weight again, what's next? Is he going to cut you off again from sex? Is he going to with hold love and affection from you again?

November 14, 2009

I agree. If it is all about my weight, why is it that when we do have sex it's really good? He never seems to have a problem.

That's why I brought the topic up in our convo. JJ - are you a guy? I don't know how men work but as I have said in past posts, it seems to me that once he gets into it, all is fine.

I have read advice columns written to women about not wanting to have sex, they always say if you just say yes, you WILL get in the mood. That's why I asked my husband if he was punishing me by witholding sex. He said no but I really wonder. He accused me of being stubborn - it might just be that HE is the one who is being stubborn, using sex as power.

He repeated what he has told me in previous conversations, as we have talked about this 5-6 times over the years it has been an issue.

It's still kind of hard to handle, to not feel like I'm being rejected - and I told him that. . . but according to Dr. Harley, the need to have a partner who you find physically attractive is a valid emotional need. It is not a power play, it is not emotional blackmail. It may feel like it, but I'm working thru the issue.

Frustrated, it's good you all finally had a conversation.

I must ask this though, if its ALL about your weight only, and he needs to feel visually attracted to you to have sex or be physically intimate with you, then why when you all do have sex, he has no problem performing? Sex is good when you do have it right?

I was thinking maybe, if it was just the weight thing and he needed to be visually turned on by you, then he would have problems in the sex department like getting aroused, but yet it doesn't seem to really be an issue for him.

Anyway, since he finally told you, it was YOUR WEIGHT that was the issue, how does it make you feel? Did he just pretty much confirm what you already thought? Does it make you feel good and more motivated to know it was YOU and only YOU that was the problem? Does it make you feel like picking up that medicine ball he bought you and working out?

November 14, 2009

Basically he said he couldn't perform - the visual doesn't stimulate him.

Either take his word at face value or break up because you don't trust him. You said he was an honest man, why doubt him this time? Be VERY careful not to turn your communication into an intellectual debate or a cross examination.

But as I have written on previous posts, I guess I wanted to lose it on my terms and not feeling like I kinda had a gun held to my head.

But you ARE losing it on your terms. YOU seem to be the one most eager for change. He has given you no ultimatum.

November 15, 2009

A couple of differences in my situation is that I have had no children - so presumably no reason to gain weight. Also, I am not in a loveless marriage. I love my husband and he loves me. . . there's just this one problem.

I agree that in all likelihood, in order to have a passionate, affectionate relationship, I will have to keep the weight off. That is scary because I have never been able to keep it off for long. I guess this will help me make the "lifestyle change" that losing weight and maintenance is supposed to be.

I did not feel self conscience while having sex. My husband is very sweet and makes me feel loved and wanted when we do have sex.

I wonder in the UK if guys are socialized a bit differently - we have Hollywood and they peddle their perfect images of stick women.

This rings true for me as my mum has gone through the same as you, but for nearly twenty years now.
She stayed slim until she turned 40, through three pregnancies.. She then went through menopause and the weight crept on. The biggest she's been is a size 16 uk, which is a US 12. For all that time, my dad hasn't touched her affectionately, no kisses, cuddles, definitely no sex. She's felt unloved and that, even after raising his children and taking care of him, his love for her is conditional on her being slim.
She got down to a size 10 uk (US 6) after having teeth problems and only eating soup. He couldn't keep his hands off her after 15 yrs of no touching. She put the weight back on and he's gone back to nothingness.

Just like you, she doesn't know how he had relieved himself all those years. He doesn't know how to work a computer and doesn't have a video/dvd player to watch porn on... basically a techno-phobe. He hasn't cheated with anyone, as he's always spent all his time as the bookies (he's a gambling addict). It explains why he can be grumpy. So he's shot himself in the foot really.. A willing horny wife, himself with sexual needs... but he chose to have nothing.

It really upsets me as she stayed with him for the children, but is living in a loveless marriage. And now we're grown up, she's trapped. He's 65 and still has these shallow expectations. His father was the same, and pressured my gran to lose weight even in her eighties!! I get upset when I see old couples where the man ADORES his plump wife, and loves her as they both grow old together, knowing she's bore his offspring and that they've made great memories together.
I'm slim, but I put weight on with the pill and my boyfriend still couldn't stop feeling my bum and touching my body, saying he didn't care what weight I was, he loves me for BEING ME and he says I'm his queen who he adores. Most of my friends have weight on them and their boyfriends can't keep their hands off them. So NO, not all men have strict 'visual' standards.

I'm sorry, I don't know what advice I can give.. Lose weight for you if it will make you more confident.. But know in the back of your mind, that you'll now forever be under pressure to stay slim, feel nervous and uncomfortable eating anything slightly indulgent infront of him, feel sub- conscious naked, always feel a bit angry towards him knowing his love isn't unconditional.. I once fell for a guy, everything was great, and then I had some chocolate infront of him and he said "careful, don't want you getting fat!!" I laughed it off, but that killed the limerance I had for him.. knowing I would always be paranoid about his attraction, through pregnancies etc..
Good luck with the weight loss, try not to use him as a motivator as you're just adding more pressure to yourself.. Think of how it will be good for YOU. And I'm happy you had sex recently! and hope you didn't feel self-conscious throughout it knowing he wasn't attracted to you.

xx

November 15, 2009

Always so eloquent.

It seems like a lot more than a simple "you're too fat today" thing but it sounds a lot like some stored up anger over something and that something could very well be a long period of being frustrated by a partner who packs on weight without regard for the other person.

On the other hand it might be something else, but losing the lard is a win-win in any case.

November 15, 2009

Either take his word at face value or break up because you don't trust him. You said he was an honest man, why doubt him this time? Be VERY careful not to turn your communication into an intellectual debate or a cross examination.

But you ARE losing it on your terms. YOU seem to be the one most eager for change. He has given you no ultimatum.

On the contrary, he has given her an ultimatum. No sex unless you lose weight. I personally couldn't live with someone that tried to manipulate me into losing weight. It reeks of selfishness.

November 15, 2009

No, I absolutely do not think he would ever do that.

Do you think he might have a friend with benefit on the side? Or a co-worker?

November 15, 2009

I do feel like I am under an ultimatum, as NW2H has said.

On the contrary, he has given her an ultimatum. No sex unless you lose weight. I personally couldn't live with someone that tried to manipulate me into losing weight. It reeks of selfishness.

November 15, 2009

Not surprised to see that Signed2008 has returned in another "form". FO, ignore this joker from now on. He/she is nothing more than an instigator. Keep up the good work!

November 15, 2009

FO,

He clearly loves you. Really and truly this man loves you. He has two real issues with fat - and I have the same issues so I am coming out of the closet on this.

The first is that he is more sexually attracted to the "fit" you. He is. That does not mean he has no attraction to the larger version of you. It is not a 100 percent attraction vs zero attraction. So - if he is rarely going manual, he is a bit deprived/horny and finds you attractive enough that he can perform and enjoy sex on occasion. He is trying to avoid this since he wants the real solution - which is the wife he really had the hots for - the wife he married.

The second issue is unfortunately not very nice. I share it though I have never posted this before. His self perception is that he is an excellent partner. This being the US his provider skills are a big part of that equation. He truly believes that he would do just about anything for you, and that as a fun, smart, honest, high integrity (non cheating - etc), excellent provider he is ENTITLED to a THIN WIFE. This is not nice, it is not flattering. There is a complicated dynamic at work here with several moving parts. One is the powerful cultural conditioning that affluent men tend to have attractive and fit wives - they just do. So the same drivers - being competitive and so forth that make these guys affluent also cause them to want to have a pretty and yes that also means fit - wife as a status symbol - sorry this is ugly. Another factor is that having a fit wife means that your partner loves, values and respects YOU the man - enough to make the effort to stay fit for you. And that is a strong indirect statement about you as a husband. It means that somehow you are a good enough husband to be worth this effort. I know that one reason my wife stays fit is because she wants to be fit for me. She is very open about that. And like all fit 47 year olds it requires effort and sacrifice - and at some level I am flattered she loves me enough to make the effort for me. And if you asked her she would say - this guy makes the effort to be a near perfect husband. This is important to him and he was always up front about it and so I just make the effort.

And it is also true I am a little ashamed that after 20 years this shallow fitness issue still matters to me.

Just like some day you may think you should have gotten a "token" engagement ring for one thousand dollars, and given the other nine thousand to charity. All of us are flawed - how different is your desire to show that you attracted a successful male - with your $10,000 engagement ring - then his desire to show that he married an attractive and fit woman?

FO: I think you know this but you have to choose. Either accept your mate with his flaws - including his sense of entitlement. Or give up all his positive qualities and go find someone who does not care about your weight. It is a very poor use of a finite lifespan to get fit solely with the intention of then punishing him. In the meantime - I truly hope you two can find some compromise including him showing more compassion, more love, more kindness, more affection and yes more sex while you are on your journey.

I do not understand the angry posts from women about how FO should lose weight and dump him. If he is a loser she should dump him right now shouldn't she? Why waste her precious life just to punish him. Move on to the next guy pronto. How about you acknowledge the ugly elephant in the corner. FO is very unlikely to attract an equivalent mate to her current husband at her existing weight. So we all know this preference for men, is as common as the preference women have for tall males. So stop attacking her husband like he is some freak

I agree. If it is all about my weight, why is it that when we do have sex it's really good? He never seems to have a problem.

That's why I brought the topic up in our convo. JJ - are you a guy? I don't know how men work but as I have said in past posts, it seems to me that once he gets into it, all is fine.

I have read advice columns written to women about not wanting to have sex, they always say if you just say yes, you WILL get in the mood. That's why I asked my husband if he was punishing me by witholding sex. He said no but I really wonder. He accused me of being stubborn - it might just be that HE is the one who is being stubborn, using sex as power.

He repeated what he has told me in previous conversations, as we have talked about this 5-6 times over the years it has been an issue.

It's still kind of hard to handle, to not feel like I'm being rejected - and I told him that. . . but according to Dr. Harley, the need to have a partner who you find physically attractive is a valid emotional need. It is not a power play, it is not emotional blackmail. It may feel like it, but I'm working thru the issue.

November 15, 2009

I am not one of the ones that has suggested that she lose weight and dump her husband. But I do think that she should seriously evaluate whether or not she can live with "conditional" acceptance from the person that is supposed to be her partner in life.

Look, the issue isn't whether or not she should lose weight. For her health, it's in her own best interest. But for many people, losing weight (and keeping it off) isn't that simple. It's not just a switch that can be flipped -- which is why there are so many overweight and obese people in the world today.

Her husband may love her, and he may well feel that he is "entitled" to a skinny, attractive wife. But that kind of entitlement, and the conditional nature of his love and acceptance is the saddest form of rejection in my opinion. If this were me, I WOULD be seriously considering the life and future I have ahead of me with this man, and if it was something I could live with.

November 15, 2009

I agree with other posters who have said to lose weight for yourself and your health. If you do it for yourself it should help your self confidence in all areas of your life.

With regards the "all men are visual" line, obviously that is a generalisation. However, even if we say "many men are visual" and they are entitled to have a slim wife, what happens when you get old?

My husband also is "very visual". He has always had a thing for slim, 30yo women. Unfortunately over the years my weight has varied from the strict number he wants. Even though I have tried very hard to keep to that level I have put on about 10 pounds in the last couple of years. I am now also in my early 50's. My husband still prefers slim 30 year olds.

We have sex as often as he wants but usually it is me doing everything to arouse him and bring him pleasure because I am too old and fat for him.

I know he looks at lots of porn but again that is because "men are visual" and need stimulation and his needs satisfied.

So, FO hopefully if you lose the weight (for you) you husband won't turn around in a few years and say he can't have sex with you because you are too old or have too many wrinkles or your skin isn't as firm or your breasts aren't as perky.

Although, there is always plastic surgery of course.

November 15, 2009

I have been watching this thread and haven't posted until now. This last post really got to me.

I get that men are visual, but really? To this extent?

I have gone through two pregnancies and breast-feeding... my body is nothing like it was when we were married. While I am now back down to my wedding weight, I have not been for much of our marriage. I have had up to 35 more lbs. on me and my husband has NEVER stopped desiring me. He loves me for me. Does he prefer me at my weight now? I suppose, he's never actually said that. But he loves ME... my intelligence, my humor, my heart. He's not at his ideal weight anymore either, but nothing has changed for me.

I think your husband has issues, and unfortunately you are in a difficult spot. Because if I were you, and I lost all the weight that I needed to in order to get my H to desire me again, I would be PISSED OFF... plain and simple. I would resent him, and it certainly wouldn't help my marriage. I would resent him for this "conditional" acceptance of you. He doesn't love you the way a husband should love you.

I think you are doing everything you can in your situation. And losing the weight for yourself is never a bad thing.

But as marriages move forward, people change. People get new interests, start to like new things, even start to become different people in some ways. It is your decision to find the YOU that you want to be (devoid of any emotional blackmail from your life partner), with the hope that you and your H will grow together, not apart.

In my opinion, this isn't a weight issue. But if it IS a weight issue, then that says a lot about the man you married.

This is exactly what I think and you are 100% right...

November 15, 2009

I do feel like I am under an ultimatum, as NW2H has said.

YOU are the one who most wants a change from the status quo, isn't that correct? If you had not brought this up, he would have trodded along without changing the current situation. To me, him going on as before if you fail to deliver what's needed for the change, can never be an ultimatum. But if you get hung up on what we should mean by the word ultimatum, then you're conveniently changing the focus from your responsibility.

The main point is that You are the one who actively wants a change Now. He is the one who could go on as yesterday and the day before. His need to be visually stimulated is as real to him as your need of feeling appreciated before you are willing to have sex.

It's human nature to be scared because you don't yet know of a way to lose weight. But take heart, almost everyone were of a normal weight in the 1950's, 60's & 70's. If you live like they did then, you ought to look like them as well.

Or you can try to find one of the men who have other needs than a attractive partner. I know that they are out there. But I whole heartedly believe that if you want to have a rich sexual life with your particular man, then you will get more and more of what you want for each pound you loose.

Learning more about how the hormone insuline works would be a great start. You hate working out, so you will most likely stop very soon. Diet is going to be your way to the sexual satisfaction. And maybe some other activity but it has to be something you enjoy doing.

Good luck, whatever path you choose to take.

Edited November 15, 2009 by BentSpine

November 15, 2009

That would be me the angry woman who said that FO should lose weight and dump him. Was that harsh? Yes, but when FO posted the following it just set me off. Sorry what can I say? In retrospect she knows what she is up against and knows what type of guy she is married to. If she wants to take this on as "her job" to maintain her cushy lifestyle then that is her decision. FO sounds like a educated,( I think she said she had her Masters) articulate woman who could be so much more than a piece of meat to many other partners. Granted keeping fit and taking care of yourself is important,but not at the cost of losing yourself in the relationship. Having to worry daily whether or not my partner is attracted to me is no way to live IMO.

As an outsider I see his behavior as manipulative and cruel. He knows his behavior is wrong by offering her pity sex. FO, you know what you have ahead of you. You know what you need to do to make this man happy. Ask yourself this. Is this something you can live with on a daily basis? What happens when you get old and then his focus turns to your face? These are questions only you can answer. To me it would be like living in a prison. I am sad for you wasting your energy and mind on this.

Lee

PS. I still think checking all cell phone and credit card statements is a good idea. Him having an affair or watching porn is sounding more and more likely.

>>> I do feel like if I lose the weight and regain it we will have the same issue. Right now, I am looking at it like this - my "job" in our relationship is to workout and keep the weight off. He is the one who pports us - he goes to the office. I work from home but am not pressured to make money. It is more important to him that I be the trophy wife - that's the truth. It is what it is.

November 15, 2009

just wait and see how he reacts after you have children... if you manage to have any sex to actually have them...

November 15, 2009

I suspect what you write about RE: him "feeling entitled" may be true and I appreciate you opening up about your own feelings which my husband most likely feels.

What he has said to me in the past is that he doesn't feel like he asks for much. 1) He wants me to work out, lose weight and eat healthy (most of the time, when we go to Little Italy, we both order pasta and that's okay with him); 2) he wants me to keep the house picked up - although he happily helps - he does dishes after dinner, he runs the sweeper, etc.; and, 3) he wants to have my undivided attention when he talks to me (he hates it when I am on the computer and he is trying to tell me something).

I mean really, I don't think that is asking much, and I'm not sure why others here are drumming me out of this relationship. We are married FOR LIFE and have got to learn from these challenges. Marriage isn't easy, even when you are married to the right person. It takes work and compromise.

That doesn't mean what he is asking of me is easy. Mem, how is it that your wife doesn't feel your love is "conditional"? As JamesM has written, the looks/weight department is where most women are very vulnerable.

I know I have never kept the weight off that I have lost. It takes 9 months to take it off and then 2-3 years to put it back on.

RE: My engagement ring. It was HE who wanted to have rings custom made. I seriously would have been happy just getting them at one of the chain jewelry stores. As I said, my $79 Wal-Mart ring and Kohl's $100 diamond chip band, make up my favorite set.

While I understand the example, I doubt we will think we should have donated money spent on my engagement ring - we tythe 10% off our gross earnings to our church and then give even more to various charities like our local pet rescue society, Salvation Army (of which we were both board members), etc. God has blessed us and we are happy to give back to Him what is His.

I think in the whole scheme of things, what I am dealing with is not very important. I think it's interesting people saying to leave him - WHY? He does not abuse me. He does not do drugs. He has never cheated. He is a kind and gentle man. He is funny and smart and we share so many of the same values and interests. I think it is easy to say "leave his sorry a*^ when you don't really know the entire picture. That's why I defend him. He is a good man and I love him. I just don't happen to love this part of him so much - but then that's how he feels with my fat.

FO,
He clearly loves you. Really and truly this man loves you. He has two real issues with fat - and I have the same issues so I am coming out of the closet on this.

The first is that he is more sexually attracted to the "fit" you. He is. That does not mean he has no attraction to the larger version of you. It is not a 100 percent attraction vs zero attraction. So - if he is rarely going manual, he is a bit deprived/horny and finds you attractive enough that he can perform and enjoy sex on occasion. He is trying to avoid this since he wants the real solution - which is the wife he really had the hots for - the wife he married.

The second issue is unfortunately not very nice. I share it though I have never posted this before. His self perception is that he is an excellent partner. This being the US his provider skills are a big part of that equation. He truly believes that he would do just about anything for you, and that as a fun, smart, honest, high integrity (non cheating - etc), excellent provider he is ENTITLED to a THIN WIFE. This is not nice, it is not flattering. There is a complicated dynamic at work here with several moving parts. One is the powerful cultural conditioning that affluent men tend to have attractive and fit wives - they just do. So the same drivers - being competitive and so forth that make these guys affluent also cause them to want to have a pretty and yes that also means fit - wife as a status symbol - sorry this is ugly. Another factor is that having a fit wife means that your partner loves, values and respects YOU the man - enough to make the effort to stay fit for you. And that is a strong indirect statement about you as a husband. It means that somehow you are a good enough husband to be worth this effort. I know that one reason my wife stays fit is because she wants to be fit for me. She is very open about that. And like all fit 47 year olds it requires effort and sacrifice - and at some level I am flattered she loves me enough to make the effort for me. And if you asked her she would say - this guy makes the effort to be a near perfect husband. This is important to him and he was always up front about it and so I just make the effort.

And it is also true I am a little ashamed that after 20 years this shallow fitness issue still matters to me.

Just like some day you may think you should have gotten a "token" engagement ring for one thousand dollars, and given the other nine thousand to charity. All of us are flawed - how different is your desire to show that you attracted a successful male - with your $10,000 engagement ring - then his desire to show that he married an attractive and fit woman?

FO: I think you know this but you have to choose. Either accept your mate with his flaws - including his sense of entitlement. Or give up all his positive qualities and go find someone who does not care about your weight. It is a very poor use of a finite lifespan to get fit solely with the intention of then punishing him. In the meantime - I truly hope you two can find some compromise including him showing more compassion, more love, more kindness, more affection and yes more sex while you are on your journey.

I do not understand the angry posts from women about how FO should lose weight and dump him. If he is a loser she should dump him right now shouldn't she? Why waste her precious life just to punish him. Move on to the next guy pronto. How about you acknowledge the ugly elephant in the corner. FO is very unlikely to attract an equivalent mate to her current husband at her existing weight. So we all know this preference for men, is as common as the preference women have for tall males. So stop attacking her husband like he is some freak

November 15, 2009

We will not be having any children. We married in our 40s and he got fixed. We want to be able to enjoy life together and go and do and travel and enjoy each other.

just wait and see how he reacts after you have children... if you manage to have any sex to actually have them...

November 15, 2009

We will not be having any children. We married in our 40s and he got fixed. We want to be able to enjoy life together and go and do and travel and enjoy each other.

missed this bit out...

November 15, 2009

I agree with other posters who have said to lose weight for yourself and your health. If you do it for yourself it should help your self confidence in all areas of your life.

With regards the "all men are visual" line, obviously that is a generalisation. However, even if we say "many men are visual" and they are entitled to have a slim wife, what happens when you get old?

My husband also is "very visual". He has always had a thing for slim, 30yo women. Unfortunately over the years my weight has varied from the strict number he wants. Even though I have tried very hard to keep to that level I have put on about 10 pounds in the last couple of years. I am now also in my early 50's. My husband still prefers slim 30 year olds.

We have sex as often as he wants but usually it is me doing everything to arouse him and bring him pleasure because I am too old and fat for him.

I know he looks at lots of porn but again that is because "men are visual" and need stimulation and his needs satisfied.

So, FO hopefully if you lose the weight (for you) you husband won't turn around in a few years and say he can't have sex with you because you are too old or have too many wrinkles or your skin isn't as firm or your breasts aren't as perky.

Although, there is always plastic surgery of course.

I've been trying to avoid this thread because it raises painful issues for me that I'm still attempting to grapple via therapy.

I am in my early 50's when I met my now ex-husband he was very invested in fitness and though a bit over weight himself was actively excerising and losing. I'm 5'8- 5/9 and at that time he felt I was 15 pounds overweight..he used to playfully tap my abdomen just to get his point across (keep in mind here that I'd born several children and had 3 abdominal surgeries involving vertical incisions.

Regardless of any of those factors I joined my husband in "eating clean" I lifted weights and did cardio, my joints hurt so bad at night that motrin became like a dessert item to me. I dieted down to a size 2, you could bounce a quarter off my middle aged rump. My husband then complained that "you look like a stick, straight up and down, no curves"

Porn on his computer showed his preferences to run toward short 5ft-5ft 3 inch tall women with huge breasts.

Why he married a tall, long limbed, wide shouldered woman with modest breasts is a question for the ages.

Thru the course of our marriage my hair was blond, red and brown, long, medium and short, my makeup and grooming was inline with whatever he thought was sexy at that given point in time. I tanned, waxed, mani and pedicured regularly. I was the primary breadwinner and also did a fairly large amount of household chores. I never refused any request for sex and frequently initiated.

My Ex could seldom orgasm with me, that progressed into him losing his erection the minute I removed my clothing

over time he began refusing me sex and his comments grew increasing cruel culminating in me moving to the sofa

and spending the last 1 year of the marriage totally sexless.

In therapy and in working with my trainer at the health club I've come to see a few things.

1. Much of all of this was most likely about my Ex's own mid-life crisis, having to wake up in the morning and look at your well kept but still clearly middle aged wife means you are going to have a harder time propagating your internal image of yourself as a buff young stud.

2. I am a long, slender built woman, a "hard gainer" as they say in body building, the diet and fitness plan my husband had me on was best suited to a big boned,stocky person who put on weight easily but for my body type was a setup to help me fail. I will NEVER have the type of build that a 5ft tall woman with a different body type has.. BUT... I can and will be the very best, slim, lean ,toned middle aged woman that I can be and will take pride in the fact that I can wear designer samples off the rack and look elegant enough to stop conversation when I enter a room.

3. Some of the problems my Ex had with my body very bluntly are not problems that can be fixed by any amount of diet and exercise, when I'm working out, my abs are definitely "there" but plastic surgery (which I just might have done) will be needed to remove extensive scarring and loose skin.. both issues that my ex was well aware of before the 1st time we slept together.

4. My Ex spent a long time alone before we met, his sexual needs being met by self-pleasure. The ED he experienced with me was likely in part a result of this in the early days of the relationship he could occasionally overcome this but even then it took him forever to reach orgasm..indicating in retrospect that this problem was one of long duration, he in fact said that one of his ex-wife's chief complaints had been frequency of sexual intimacy

and she, while not being big chested was quite petite, more his physical type.

Do I believe he ever loved me for me? Yes I do, I also believe he was quite lonely and that the connection caused him to believe that the fact that I wasn't his preferred physical type could be overcome in time.

Yes men are visual and yes, we should all work at staying fit and healthy, I do believe though very firmly that this isn't just a one issue problem, The OP has indicated that her husband has by his own admission a fairly low sex drive. When a person has pre-existing issues sexually, it becomes easier and a lot less painful to assign blame for those issues to the spouse "you're too fat" "you're too old"

Over time, my self-esteem grew lower and lower, I felt horrible, ugly, the harder I tried to please him, the less sex I got. Things reached the point frankly that even if he offered I'd have refused because it felt like mercy or obligation sex and I was so worried that looking at my belly or my small breasts would cause him to lose his erection that I didn't orgasm or enjoy the experience anyway.

There's a lot of talk here that a spouse's love should be unconditional, that somehow a spouse should be able to find enough good to be able to be intimate with a partner who's let themselves go a bit or deviated from the appearance they had at the beginning of the relationship. My Ex took the tack that if I truly loved him unconditionally that I should simply accept that while he loved me in a spiritual way he found my physical appearance disgusting and found my interest in sex as a menopausal woman to be "unnatural and unseemly" He felt that I should continue to be warm, loving, giving, paying our bills, taking care of our home and acting proud and happy to be stuck in a sexless marriage, after all I was old, I should be proud to have a husband, any husband at all.

Beware OP because it sounds as if your husband might subscribe to the same POV.

My advice to the OP? continue to get fit for yourself, also get yourself into individual therapy to focus on your issues of self-worth and the acceptance tests you are putting on men, also though, your husband also needs 1:1 therapy and you should both also start marriage counseling, there's

a lot of feelings and issues here, an under current of stuff that will just rot if it's not brought out and dealt with openly.

Edited November 15, 2009 by soserious1

November 15, 2009

FO,

Your post has forced me to see this topic in a way that I never have before. And I am greatful to you for that. There is no weight at which I would divorce my wife. There is no weight at which I would stop loving her. I am - (and this is not some teenage puppy love thing) truly in love with my wife. I physically crave her. And this nonsense about younger women is just that. At 47 my wife is aging very nicely - still time takes its toll. When I look at her, touch her, hold her it just feels perfect to me. I do not wish to be with someone younger than me. This is the person I mated with for life. We will grow old together. When I see little wrinkles around her eyes I think of the decades of joy she has given me, of the countless little sacrifices she has made for me. And it makes me feel nice. My desire to love her is the same as it always was. Only now our daily routine is more holding and touching and kissing her, and telling her she is beautiful. Because both our body have slowed a bit, this only escalates to actual sex 2 times a week.

It is also true that there are weights (mine and hers) at which our sex life would be impacted - and higher (for her/lower for me) weights where it is possible our sex life would be so drastically reduced that it would really hurt the passion in our marriage. I don't see it going to zero because I have decided part of being "ALL IN" is to forgo any type of sexual experience other then with her. There is no "manual override" in our marriage just a delightfully building tension and desire.

And she feels the same about me. If I drop 20 pounds she won't leave me. Won't stop loving me. But she will lose her desire for me. I am not angry about this. I wish things were different - I wish our passion had a nearly infinite comfort zone as James/Giotto and others do. But it does not. So we both work to keep our bodies at a point where the other looks at us with lust and smiles.

BTW - The thing about having your full attention - LOL - verbatim comment out of my book.

I suspect what you write about RE: him "feeling entitled" may be true and I appreciate you opening up about your own feelings which my husband most likely feels.

What he has said to me in the past is that he doesn't feel like he asks for much. 1) He wants me to work out, lose weight and eat healthy (most of the time, when we go to Little Italy, we both order pasta and that's okay with him); 2) he wants me to keep the house picked up - although he happily helps - he does dishes after dinner, he runs the sweeper, etc.; and, 3) he wants to have my undivided attention when he talks to me (he hates it when I am on the computer and he is trying to tell me something).

I mean really, I don't think that is asking much, and I'm not sure why others here are drumming me out of this relationship. We are married FOR LIFE and have got to learn from these challenges. Marriage isn't easy, even when you are married to the right person. It takes work and compromise.

That doesn't mean what he is asking of me is easy. Mem, how is it that your wife doesn't feel your love is "conditional"? As JamesM has written, the looks/weight department is where most women are very vulnerable.

I know I have never kept the weight off that I have lost. It takes 9 months to take it off and then 2-3 years to put it back on.

RE: My engagement ring. It was HE who wanted to have rings custom made. I seriously would have been happy just getting them at one of the chain jewelry stores. As I said, my $79 Wal-Mart ring and Kohl's $100 diamond chip band, make up my favorite set.

While I understand the example, I doubt we will think we should have donated money spent on my engagement ring - we tythe 10% off our gross earnings to our church and then give even more to various charities like our local pet rescue society, Salvation Army (of which we were both board members), etc. God has blessed us and we are happy to give back to Him what is His.

I think in the whole scheme of things, what I am dealing with is not very important. I think it's interesting people saying to leave him - WHY? He does not abuse me. He does not do drugs. He has never cheated. He is a kind and gentle man. He is funny and smart and we share so many of the same values and interests. I think it is easy to say "leave his sorry a*^ when you don't really know the entire picture. That's why I defend him. He is a good man and I love him. I just don't happen to love this part of him so much - but then that's how he feels with my fat.

November 15, 2009