No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[angie2443]

My guy is overweight, and lost a few stone recently through illness. He put it all back on and then some, but my desire for him hasn't changed one bit... No way would I let his extra weight stop our sex life. It's called Love.

 

This is so true. My husband has gained weight recently. It is a concern because it is causing a snoring problem, and is making it harder for everyone else here to eat healthy. However, I've never stopped loving on him because of this. I love him too much for that. I hope the OP's H really loves her beyond her looks.

[cheergirl]

I'm glad to see things are getting better and you are taking better care of yourself. I just wanted to add, please don't loose the weight mainly for your husband. I've rarely seen this work in the long run. Loose the weight and eat healthy for you! Do it because it is healthier for you. Do it because it makes you feel more attractive in general, not just to your husband. You always deserve respect from your husband, no matter what size you are. I wish you luck.

 

I agree, do it to feel healthier and better about yourself and your husband will find you more attractive naturally...

 

However respect and sexual attraction are not, nor will they ever be the same thing...

It's useless to pretend they are.... He obviously still respects her he's just not attracted to her sexually as a fat woman...

 

Why should not be berated or put down in any way for this....

[stillafool]

I have a question. My husband said before we got married that in his previous relationship they didn't have a lot of sex. He told me he was "not a sexual person." Yet, in the first year of our marriage we had sex often enough to satisfy me.

 

So now I have gained weight and I am lucky if we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. My husband is 50 and in good shape. There is nothing "wrong" in the function department. Everything I read/know about mes says that they need sex on a regular basis - just how they are built.

 

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

 

Also, what can I do, as my weight stands now, in order to get more sex from my husband? The other night we were on the sofa and I snuggled up to him and reached down to his zipper and said, "Hey there, I have an idea. . . " He got very annoyed and said, "Ehhh, what are you doing?" and he pushed me away. I cannot tell you how crushed I was. I have NEVER turned him away, even when I really wasn't in the mood.

 

We have been in bed and I will start caressing him, always a sign for us that the other one want sex. He just lays motionless, like he's trying to not even breathe. I just roll over and cry myself to sleep.

 

 

I think your husband lied about not being a "sexual" person with his 1st wife. He's not going to say "yeah, we were doing it like rabbits" as this would hurt your feelings. Men are visual when it comes to sex. Some men don't mind a woman with a little extra weight others cannot. If sex is really important to you maybe you could try cutting back on your calories a little bit until you feel the energy to start working out again. Maybe if he sees that you are at least trying to lose weight he will be turned on by you again. I don't think your husband is a "prick" because he doesn't want to have sex with you. I don't think it is something he can help.

[PandorasBox]

"I think your husband lied about not being sexual with his first wife."

 

 

He didn't lie. She has stated many times he is a honest person. I'm sure this applies to all things.

[cheergirl]

I hope you won't put too much weight on when you'll have children (if you are planning to have some)... and then complain that your husband won't touch your fat disgusting body...

 

Umm, we're all adults with free will here, right?

 

We know that if we eat fattening foods and don't move we'll get fat, right?

 

So what's the big mystery:confused:? It seems like many people here think or believe getting fat is some inevitable process that happens after childbirth... Totally Untrue!!!

I ate like a horse when I breastfed and couldn't keep any weight on... She was a hungry baby and breast milk is fat and water (Yippee!!!)

 

Personally, I'd rather not have a fat disgusting body so I am rather conscientious about what I bring into the house and put in my mouth...

I have a strong appetite but I eat good food... My kids are in their teens...

I made a personal decision years ago not to allow myself to get fat...I don't think this is something that happens by accident... You are not a stone overweight overnight....

And if by some chance I did end up 50 lbs overwieght and my partner didn't want to shag me anymore, I would not/could not blame him(??!!!) for not being physically attracted to me...

 

That would be childish and not accepting responsibility for the results of my own choices...

And I am, and I choose to be a grown-up woman:p:D.... Have a good day!

[TinyLee222]

Once again, thanks to everyone who has weighed in (no pun intended ) on my situation. As the sheer number of messages on this thread indicates, it's a subject we can all relate to or have an opinion about.

 

I agree. This hits home with so many people. So many different points

of view that you can take bits and pieces from.

 

So the story continues because yesterday afternoon my husband and I had a very long conversation about all of this. We were sitting by the fireplace and the topic of Christmas presents came up. I told him that I wanted the same thing I asked for last year - sex at least once a week every week. Well, that led to a great conversation that lasted several hours.

 

That's great that you guys are able to communicate and not fight.

 

 

First, I point blanked asked him since we only have sex like once every couple of months, WHAT is HE doing to relieve himself? He looked at me and without hesitation said, "NOTHING." He went on to say that with being married, he doesn't think taking care of himself is right. That his desire should be fulfilled by me.

 

Well not sure about him doing "nothing" but I do agree that his desire should be fulfilled by you and you him. Actually, I would be relieved

if he said that he is taking care of himself. It shows that he has desire

and that there is nothing sinful about masturbation.

 

Second, I asked him ideally, how often would HE like to have sex with ME (if the physical attraction aspect was taken care of). He said 2-3 times a week. To me, that says there is not a low sex drive - so that topic is now off the table.

 

Two to three times a week sound good to me. And I agree that for

a 50 year old man that's a healthy sex drive. You will have to

see if he really can come through with it but at least it's something you can look forward to

 

Third, HE asked me how I would feel if I asked him for three years to bring me flowers every now and again or to send me a pajama gram and he never did? He equates him asking me to work out and eat healthy as the same thing as me wanting flowers every now and again or wanting to snuggle in bed.

 

So what I get from this is that he considers you loosing weight and

keeping fit kind of like a X-Mas gift? I don't think you can compare

them but whatever.

 

 

I told him that for the last couple of years while I have tired and failed to lose the weight, I would exercise when he wasn't around. I honestly did not want to reinforce behavior from him that was not acceptable. I said I am not the only woman who feels like you not having sex with me because of my weight is very shallow. It's one thing not to bring me flowers - it's an entirely different thing to want to control the way your spouse looks. That is SO very personal and goes right to the WHO of who we are as people.

 

Good for you for laying that all on the line. I hope that caused him

to think about your feelings.

 

It was hard for him, but he went into detail about how it's not really a choice from him. That, "from certain angles" I am just not appealing to him.

 

UGH... let me ask you a question? What does your husband look like?

How does he look from the side? Is he handsome? Is he well

endowed? That statement was meant to hurt you and wasn't

necessary IMO.

 

That led us to the topic of withholding sex. I said to him, "The few times we have had sex, you never seem to have a problem. It's not like you are on the PUP list (we're both football fans, so he knows that means physically unable to perform). That's why it feels like to me that you are withholding sex - using it as a power play, to make me do what you want. It seems very unfair.

 

Good for you for telling him exactly how you feel. I like the football

reference.

 

I said to him, "In all the time we have been together, I have NEVER denied you sex - even when I wasn't in the mood. I feel it is my duty as your spouse to meet that need - and once we get started, I have always enjoyed it even if I wasn't in the mood to begin with."

 

And this is getting to the crux of the whole discussion. Marriage is

about making your partner feel loved and cherished. It's one thing

if you are sick but sometimes we just have to do it in order to

keep our partners happy and fulfilled. Nothing is worse than rejection.

It's a give and take.

 

"So when we are in bed and night and I am giving you the signal that I want sex, can you imagine how crushing it is for you to lay there and pretend to be asleep and ignore me? I know you are not asleep. That rejection is worse than having no sex. It feels mean and cruel and I have never done that to you."

 

So sad to think that he is purposely doing this to you because of

your weight. He might as well say, you are fat and you disgust me

that's why I am withholding sex from you ..

 

I told him that I have been online trying to read up on all this - and it seems most of what I find is always about women who do not want to have sex. I said the advice I have read is that even if you are not in the mood, if you just go with the flow, you soon will be. Sex gets all the good endorphins going.

 

Yeah, the old "use it or lose it" theory.

 

I said that it always seems to me that even when I have guilted him into sex, he always enjoys it. So then, knowing I want sex WHY does he deny me, even if the desire isn't there to start with, it will be once he gets into it because it always has been. He has never NOT been able to perform. THAT'S why I feel like he is making a choice to withhold sex as a way to manipulate my behavior.

 

I agree. It's all about power.

 

He apologized for making me feel that way and said he is not using sex - it's just that his desire has not been there. I asked him why he pretends to be asleep - he said because I'm the one initiating things and it's late and he wants to sleep. He said I should initiate sex earlier in the evening.

 

Hmmm,,, I wonder if his low desire is do to a physical problem? Many

middle age men lose testosterone as they age. He may be using the

excuse of your weight because he doesn't want to admit a physical

problem... I still wouldn't rule out a affair or porn.

 

As was mentioned by an earlier post, he said in these past number of years, when he would see me on the computer he would think to himself, "If you spent half the time you spend on the computer working out, we wouldn't have this problem."

 

So what he is saying that your free time and internet use should

be curtailed to run on the treadmill? Playing the blame game again.

"we wouldn't have this problem". Actually it's HIS problem that he

is this way not yours.

 

We discussed the "emotional" aspect of my weight gain - how he feels to some extent, that he has gotten the short end of the stick in our marriage (the bait and swithch). I told him I do understand how he feels and that I think he is justified in feeling that way.

 

I think you are being too kind. So what he is saying is that you

lured him in and once you got him you decided okay, I can get

fat now. Doesn't make sense but none of this does.

 

However, my weight gain has not been calculated. I gained 10lbs before we got married (which he had no problem with). Then I had five procedues done on my feet which took place within an 18-month period. It is not an excuse, but just an explanation. To marry him I had moved 1000 miles way from my family and job - was trying to start up my business again - and it was a very trying time. Food was a measure of control and comfort.

 

OMG, no wonder you have gained weight!! Five surgeries on your feet.

How the hell did he expect you to run or exercise during that time?

Moving away from your support system is quite stressful? Sure you

used food as comfort. He should cut you a break. FIVE SURGERIES!!

Whew..

 

I told him that my weight gain has nothing to do with how much I do or do not love him. Like others have said, he does believe that THE EFFORT to workout and eat right should be make because it's important to him and - from his point of view - if I love him, I would make THE EFFORT to work out and eat right. He believes that if I just work out and stay away from fast food and eat right most of the time, the weight will come off.

 

I guess he has never had a weight problem in his life. Lucky guy. If it

were so easy half the nation wouldn't be overweight.

 

I was very clear in telling him that I now feel like I am living with this ultimatum - lose the weight and keep it off or I will not love you. I told him that I understand that love is not the same as physical attraction but that, in a marriage, love is physically manifested thru an intimate relationship.

 

I explained to him that I have had this battle with my weight since I was a very little girl and even when I have managed to take it off, I have never kept it off. Now I fear that my marriage hinges on the size of my jeans and I am in a real panic about that

 

What was his response to this? Does he agree that your marriage is

in jeopardy if the weight is not lost?

 

He acknowledged that he can be a bit of a food natzi and so we discussed the many holidays and special occasions where we can indulge in non-healthy food (e.g. Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, vacations, wine tastings, dinners after concerts, etc.). It ends up being at least once or twice a month and we both feel like this will help me feel like I am not living without the food I enjoy and feeling deprived.

 

This is where I would draw the line. Having been there and knowing the

humiliation of being watched for every thing that went into my mouth

was devastating and I would physically get nauseous. Why should he

even get to decided what days are okay to eat? What if on a Tuesday

night you wanted to have a cookie? Is that okay? This is all about

control.

 

When all was said and done, we hugged and he said he was really glad we had had the discussion. We prayed and asked God to help us be the spouses each other desire. We asked God to help us keep HIM central to our marriage and to watch over and protect our marriage.

 

Then my husband said, "Since I gave you some affection (hug) can I have sex?":)

 

Not sure what to make of this. I sure would hate for my husband to

have sex with me because he felt sorry or pitied me.

 

So for the first time in a very, very, long time (so long that I can't remember). I lit candles and put on a wonderful romantic CD and we made love in our master bedroom. Afterwards he just held me - which again hasn't happened in such a long, long time. He commented on how nice it was laying there together with the soft music and glow of the candles. And it was.

 

 

It sounds lovely and if you are okay with making love under these circumstances than who am I to say. If you felt as though he

really wanted you and not pitied you then I hope it was a meaningful

conection for both of you. I don't think I could have gone through

with it.

 

I wish you only the best FO and if I sound harsh I am sorry. I am glad

you were able to get across your point of view.

 

Lee

[giotto]

well, you can say what you want, but I still think that putting a big emphasis on looks is rather shallow...

[hopeful1980]

Is this real? I can't believe you're blaming the husband...It's not a number on a scale, maybe it's just the way her body was before turned him on in addition to all her other great traits. Maybe he's not attracted to fat women... Maybe if he was he would have married one...

If my husband gained 40 lbs after we got married i would find it difficult/impossible to have sex w/him...Part of my attraction to him in the first place was that he takes care of himself...If he just let that all slip away I would be sooo hurt and disappointed...

On the other hand, he likes me the way i am and if i gained 40lbs. i am certain we wouldn't be having sex...He wouldn't be attracted to me sexually... Does that make either of us shallow? I don't think so... We have to be honest w/ourselves and our partners. if he doesn't find you sexy now, lose weight, for him, for yourself, for your marriage and sex life... Don't get bitter and angry at him, take responsiblity, control of yourself... You're not happy so change it, only you can...

 

This post prompted a very long conversation between my husband and I regarding the issue of weight. I wanted to know honestly if I gained 20,30,40+ pounds would he stop having sex with me because he was so repulsed it could not perform. I told him to tell me because I did not want to be surprised in the event that it happened.

 

As I suspected, he said there is nothing that I can do for him not to have sex with me. He told me that regardless of what I look like on the outside, I am still the woman he fell in love with and that fact does not change with my waistline.

 

I feel sorry for people who can not look past the exterior of the person they claim to love and treat them with the affection they deserve. I've gained weight and lost weight over the year and so has my husband, but the way we treat each other has remained constant. I can't imagine it be any other way in a marriage.

[hopeful1980]

well, you can say what you want, but I still think that putting a big emphasis on looks is rather shallow...

 

It's one thing to tell your spouse you would prefer if he/she looked a certain way, but still showed them the same level of affection.

 

It's quite another to with hold the affection from your spouse BECAUSE they do not look a certain way.

[angie2443]

I hope you won't put too much weight on when you'll have children (if you are planning to have some)... and then complain that your husband won't touch your fat disgusting body...

 

I've had four children. During my first pregnancy, I thought I was loosing the baby and ate more than I really had to. I know that doesn't sound logical, but logic can fly out the window when you think you are going to loose a baby. Anyways, with my first, I did put on a little weight. My husband back then was very immature and we hit plenty of rocky spots. However, he always told me I was beausiful. He never stopped touching me because I was no longer the skinny thing I was before I was pregnant. I've lost the weight since, but have a little pooch that won't go away. My husband thinks it's cute. The fact that he never stopped loving on me even when I wasn't perfect, has been something I've been able to hold on to when we've hit our rocky moments.

 

Like I've said before, I hope the OP's H loves her beyond her looks. In the end, everyone's looks fade.

[hopeful1980]

I've had four children. During my first pregnancy, I thought I was loosing the baby and ate more than I really had to. I know that doesn't sound logical, but logic can fly out the window when you think you are going to loose a baby. Anyways, with my first, I did put on a little weight. My husband back then was very immature and we hit plenty of rocky spots. However, he always told me I was beausiful. He never stopped touching me because I was no longer the skinny thing I was before I was pregnant. I've lost the weight since, but have a little pooch that won't go away. My husband thinks it's cute. The fact that he never stopped loving on me even when I wasn't perfect, has been something I've been able to hold on to when we've hit our rocky moments.

 

Like I've said before, I hope the OP's H loves her beyond her looks. In the end, everyone's looks fade.

 

Me too. In fact, one of the reasons I married my husband in the first place is that while we were dating long distance I had put on 30 pounds while we were apart at one time. I was afraid to see him because I thought he would reject me. Quite the contrary, he treated me as if he didn't even notice the weight at all! He was so happy to see ME and to this day when I mention it he says it wouldn't have mattered to him if I had put on 60 pounds while I was away, he loves me.

 

That's all I can really ask for.

[JamesM]

As I suspected, he said there is nothing that I can do for him not to have sex with me. He told me that regardless of what I look like on the outside, I am still the woman he fell in love with and that fact does not change with my waistline.

 

While I am not saying he is not telling you the truth, I do find it hard to believe that a husband would actually say that "If you gain weight, then I will not be attracted to you." It is guaranteed to start a major "discussion" that even the most patient of husbands would want to avoid. NO matter how "honest" a wife wants her husband to be, too much honesty is never good.

 

I know that my wife's weight gain will not turn me off, but I also know that when she is physically fit and trim, she is definitely much sexier and appealing to me. Telling her that while she is physically trim and fit is okay and will get me a nod of understanding. Telling her that while she is overweight will get me a completely different reaction.

[hopeful1980]

While I am not saying he is not telling you the truth, I do find it hard to believe that a husband would actually say that "If you gain weight, then I will not be attracted to you." It is guaranteed to start a major "discussion" that even the most patient of husbands would want to avoid. NO matter how "honest" a wife wants her husband to be, too much honesty is never good.

 

I know that my wife's weight gain will not turn me off, but I also know that when she is physically fit and trim, she is definitely much sexier and appealing to me. Telling her that while she is physically trim and fit is okay and will get me a nod of understanding. Telling her that while she is overweight will get me a completely different reaction.

 

I agree. But he's already proven to me that he wouldn't treat me any differently if I had gained weight and like you he can't understand any husband who would deny his wife sex for any reason.

 

Of course he told me he likes it when I am thinner and he finds it attractive and inspirational when I work out and remain active, but the fact still remains that there is no number on the scale at which he would find me repulsive enough to not be turned on by me.

[cheergirl]

I feel sorry for people who can not look past the exterior of the person they claim to love and treat them with the affection they deserve. I've gained weight and lost weight over the year and so has my husband, but the way we treat each other has remained constant. I can't imagine it be any other way in a marriage.

 

To be brutally frank, he's not in any position to expect from you what he cannot deliver... To say that the quality of your love is somehow better than others' because you both get fat together and are happy about it is a bit rich...

I like to stay in shape because I don't like feeling sluggish...

We both have high standards for ourselves and each other...

How is it "loving" to watch your partner eat bad food, get out of shape and breathless... That's like those moms who feed their children rubbish out of "love" until they can barely move around the playground:eek:..

 

I am no Tartar on this subject, but I am not going to go along with the notion that "My husband and I eat until we are fat and we love each other more than you () because we accept this behaviour within our relationship..."

 

If you're happy being fat with your husband good luck to you both! My partner would hate it if I got fat, and I would hate it if he got fat...We'd both consider it selfish and incosiderate in the extreme...

But I guess that's why you're w/your fella and I'm w/mine.

We both enjoy good food, wine and also care about nutrition and I love his discipline... He's gorgeous (unclothed!) I love it and feel very lucky:love:...

No need to feel sorry for us, thanks;)...

[hopeful1980]

To be brutally frank, he's not in any position to expect from you what he cannot deliver... To say that the quality of your love is somehow better than others' because you both get fat together and are happy about it is a bit rich...

I like to stay in shape because I don't like feeling sluggish...

We both have high standards for ourselves and each other...

How is it "loving" to watch your partner eat bad food, get out of shape and breathless... That's like those moms who feed their children rubbish out of "love" until they can barely move around the playground:eek:..

 

I am no Tartar on this subject, but I am not going to go along with the notion that "My husband and I eat until we are fat and we love each other more than you () because we accept this behaviour within our relationship..."

 

If you're happy being fat with your husband good luck to you both! My partner would hate it if I got fat, and I would hate it if he got fat...We'd both consider it selfish and incosiderate in the extreme...

But I guess that's why you're w/your fella and I'm w/mine.

We both enjoy good food, wine and also care about nutrition and I love his discipline... He's gorgeous (unclothed!) I love it and feel very lucky:love:...

No need to feel sorry for us, thanks;)...

 

You miss the point entirely. I'm not saying one should at any time be overweight and unhealthy. Quite the contrary, I have made nutrition one of my highest priorities and my husband and myself are very creative with how we keep our family active. So the theory that we are fat slobs does not apply to me.

 

What I am advocating is acceptance for better or for worse (you know the line that's in most vows that married people took) and to say you wouldn't have sex with your husband when he was at his worst, is to me a breech of those vows and I pity a marriage in that position.

[cheergirl]

What I am advocating is acceptance for better or for worse (you know the line that's in most vows that married people took) and to say you wouldn't have sex with your husband when he was at his worst, is to me a breech of those vows and I pity a marriage in that position.

 

I'm attracted to very disciplined men...

A man who after we got married:confused: slowly turned into fat, lazy slob would:

 

1. break my heart
   
2. make me feel cheated
   
3. make me feel deceived
   
4. cause me a great deal of resentment
   

And yes, I would most likely stop having sex with him because of those reasons. He's not the chap I married. I'd feel tricked and very angry...(I mean it's not like we're talking about cancer here, something he couldn't help, for which of course i would be totally sympathetic and do everything |i could to help... just overeating and not exercising...God, just thinking about it happening to me...I really feel so sorry for people in that position it must be awful...)

 

The shameful misuse/abuse of the marriage vow "For better or for worse" to justify gluttony, slothfulness, indiscipline, laziness and selfishness is disgusting....

 

I guess my beef with what you and many other women are saying is that You are quick to say he should love you no matter what, and accuse him of shallowness, not loving you, immaturity and all manner of things whilst not looking at yourself...It's just unrealistic...

 

I feel sorry for any husband or wife in this situtation. To paraphrase what someone said very early in the thread (later retracted)

"You love food (or drugs, or alcohol, or sex w/strangers) more than your husband/wife... Get a grip, get a clue... Take responsibility! I'm done...

[hopeful1980]

I'm attracted to very disciplined men...

A man who after we got married:confused: slowly turned into fat, lazy slob would:

 

1. break my heart
   
2. make me feel cheated
   
3. make me feel deceived
   
4. cause me a great deal of resentment
   

And yes, I would most likely stop having sex with him because of those reasons. He's not the chap I married. I'd feel tricked and very angry...(I mean it's not like we're talking about cancer here, something he couldn't help, for which of course i would be totally sympathetic and do everything |i could to help... just overeating and not exercising...God, just thinking about it happening to me...I really feel so sorry for people in that position it must be awful...)

 

The shameful misuse/abuse of the marriage vow "For better or for worse" to justify gluttony, slothfulness, indiscipline, laziness and selfishness is disgusting....

 

I guess my beef with what you and many other women are saying is that You are quick to say he should love you no matter what, and accuse him of shallowness, not loving you, immaturity and all manner of things whilst not looking at yourself...It's just unrealistic...

 

I feel sorry for any husband or wife in this situtation. To paraphrase what someone said very early in the thread (later retracted)

"You love food (or drugs, or alcohol, or sex w/strangers) more than your husband/wife... Get a grip, get a clue... Take responsibility! I'm done...

 

People change. I got married when I was 24 and I'll be 29 this month. I am certainly not the same person I was when I married 5 years ago and I won't be the same person 5 years from now. My husband can certainly say I'm not the same woman he married because I'm different in many ways.

 

But in all the ways that matter I am the same. I still love him. I still want him to be happy. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him and will die trying to keep our marriage together.

 

For better or for worse was put in the vows for a reason. They didn't just come up with that. Sometimes your spouse is at their best and at other times they will be at their worst. We promise to love them regardless. That does not justify bad behavior, it only reassures the person that you won't leave them in the event that they aren't perfect (which they aren't).

[mem11363]

FO,

You handled this brilliantly. I read with dismay the very polarized comments from both sides of the battle lines here.

 

There is a reason that you have some many people vehemently saying YES and so many saying NO to this question. And that is there are two valid a passionate arguments to be made here.

 

The fact that you navigated this conversation so well speaks to your maturity and intelligence and to your love for your husband.

 

And the fact that he responded so well shows that he listens and loves you and is committed to you.

 

I especially like how the conversation ended. Very few people are able to resolve this type of issue the way that you did. Most would have done it in a way that left some really bad feelings with one or both of the partners.

 

Take a bow....

 

Not sure if you saw my first post on page 25 - it's about the first conversation we had about our issue on Saturday morning.

 

This second convo was a follow up to that.

[frustrated_one]

Just wait till you hit your 40s, girl. Your body will change - it will turn on you. Your metabolism slows and you can see precious little for any effort you make. I WISH I had the body now I had at your age - cause it was good and relatively easy compared to what it's like now.

 

People change. I got married when I was 24 and I'll be 29 this month.QUOTE]

[hopeful1980]

I'm actually looking forward to my 40s! I heard that's when a woman reaches her sexual peak.

 

Just wait till you hit your 40s, girl. Your body will change - it will turn on you. Your metabolism slows and you can see precious little for any effort you make. I WISH I had the body now I had at your age - cause it was good and relatively easy compared to what it's like now.

 

People change. I got married when I was 24 and I'll be 29 this month.QUOTE]

[mem11363]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And this is getting to the crux of the whole discussion. Marriage is

about making your partner feel loved and cherished. It's one thing

if you are sick but sometimes we just have to do it in order to

keep our partners happy and fulfilled. Nothing is worse than rejection.

It's a give and take.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

And the best thing about this statement is that if I substitute the word sex for "it" above or "exercise" for "it" above I nod my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm attracted to very disciplined men...

A man who after we got married:confused: slowly turned into fat, lazy slob would:

 

1. break my heart
   
2. make me feel cheated
   
3. make me feel deceived
   
4. cause me a great deal of resentment
   

And yes, I would most likely stop having sex with him because of those reasons. He's not the chap I married. I'd feel tricked and very angry...(I mean it's not like we're talking about cancer here, something he couldn't help, for which of course i would be totally sympathetic and do everything |i could to help... just overeating and not exercising...God, just thinking about it happening to me...I really feel so sorry for people in that position it must be awful...)

 

The shameful misuse/abuse of the marriage vow "For better or for worse" to justify gluttony, slothfulness, indiscipline, laziness and selfishness is disgusting....

 

I guess my beef with what you and many other women are saying is that You are quick to say he should love you no matter what, and accuse him of shallowness, not loving you, immaturity and all manner of things whilst not looking at yourself...It's just unrealistic...

 

I feel sorry for any husband or wife in this situtation. To paraphrase what someone said very early in the thread (later retracted)

"You love food (or drugs, or alcohol, or sex w/strangers) more than your husband/wife... Get a grip, get a clue... Take responsibility! I'm done...

[cheergirl]

"We promise to love them regardless. That does not justify bad behavior..."

 

I see excessive eating (and consequent weight gain), as bad behaviour, also excessive drinking, excessive gambling, excessive drug (nicotine) use, violence, infidelity, lying... all bad behaviour...

 

We all know "no-one's perfect"... What I object to is the constant lame excuses for not taking care of oneself and the body which belongs to your spouse as well after marriage... It's selfish...

[hopeful1980]

"We promise to love them regardless. That does not justify bad behavior..."

 

I see excessive eating (and consequent weight gain), as bad behaviour, also excessive drinking, excessive gambling, excessive drug (nicotine) use, violence, infidelity, lying... all bad behaviour...

 

We all know "no-one's perfect"... What I object to is the constant lame excuses for not taking care of oneself and the body which belongs to your spouse as well after marriage... It's selfish...

 

I'm not arguing that. I'm saying that one bad act does not justify another. "Not taking care of oneself" does not warrant the loss of sex and affection from your partner.

 

To me there is no excuse for denying your partner sex.

[frustrated_one]

As you saw, I did use a bit of what you suggested, as I do think his great fear is that I am going to stop trying and making the effort to lose the weight. I very much appreciate your assist on this one.

 

From all the talking over the weekend, it does not seem to me that he is being shallow. This is truly a need he has just like I have the need for affection.

 

It may not feel the same as asking for some cuddling or a massage or whatever, but to him it is. Ultimately he just wants to see me making THE EFFORT. He just wants to feel important. By seeing me make the effort HE FEELS like I esteem him. That I am HEARING what he has said and making the effort to honor the request.

 

Just like when he brings me flowers or whatever.

 

I think the two sides being drawn here are by people who 1) do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse and 2) have S/O who do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse.

 

If you HAVE that need - then you are coming down on my H's side. If you DON'T have that need, you are coming down on my side.

 

I'm happy the way things have worked out. Believe me, that does not mean the road ahead of me is an easy one. This situation has humbled me. It has been difficult and I know it will continue to be so - I am married to someone who values physical attraction. That is something I find very hard to control based on my own personal foibles.

 

We all have our burdens to bear.

 

Despite his emotional needs, my husband is a wonderful man who loves me. I am a lucky woman

 

 

FO,

You handled this brilliantly. I read with dismay the very polarized comments from both sides of the battle lines here.

 

There is a reason that you have some many people vehemently saying YES and so many saying NO to this question. And that is there are two valid a passionate arguments to be made here.

 

The fact that you navigated this conversation so well speaks to your maturity and intelligence and to your love for your husband.

 

And the fact that he responded so well shows that he listens and loves you and is committed to you.

 

I especially like how the conversation ended. Very few people are able to resolve this type of issue the way that you did. Most would have done it in a way that left some really bad feelings with one or both of the partners.

 

Take a bow....

[frustrated_one]

This is why I asked him whether he was withholding sex as punishment or as a way to get me to do what he wanted me to do. I do not think that is nice or fair. Sex is a very important part of a relationship that should not get power played.

 

While he claims he was not (withholdin to manipulate/power), I do think he was making a choice because he CAN PERFORM when we have sex. My weight gain may not be causing the desire, but once sex is initiated, he's off and running.

 

I hope that with me bringing this topic up, he will not make that choice any more. I hope he remembers that action creates desire.

 

I'm not arguing that. I'm saying that one bad act does not justify another. "Not taking care of oneself" does not warrant the loss of sex and affection from your partner.

 

To me there is no excuse for denying your partner sex.