No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[giotto]

Whoaa...misunderstanding of what I posted. I did NOT say that physical attraction doesn't count. I DID say that it combines with personality. My wife is gorgeous. And I am not stupid enough to say that every guy would feel about her as I do. I do say that many other men can see that outwardly she looks beautiful. However, for me....her beauty goes much deeper than outward beauty. When she gains weight, it does make her less beautiful physically. And I can see that less men look at her. When she is at her physical best, she turns eyes. When I see her each and every day...with or without makeup...with or without her best clothes (or any clothes...had to add that ), I see her as beautiful because of her personality and compassion, etc.

 

Since we are talking about a man who married a woman, we should be able to assume that he married her for more than simply her outward beauty. We can assume that his attraction for her included her personality and many other qualities.

 

Based on that, I say the same....her weight gain can bother him. Her weight gain can cause him to feel that she is not at her outward physical best. Her weight gain can even cause him to lose some respect for her. BUT....IMO her weight gain should not cause him to reject her sexually until she gains an acceptable weight in his eyes.

 

 

 

 

Her health is a different issue. And a loving husband or wife can push his or her partner to lose weight. That is completely different than rejecting the person that you supposedly love for more than their outward beauty.

 

And again, if she loses enough weight to gain his sexual interest back...and that is all that changes, then I still question how deep his love goes.

 

Just my opinion.

 

James, that's exactly what I think... well expressed!

[Scrivdog]

I think you guys would change your tune pretty quick if during a romp in the hay you think you had a t*t in your hand when in fact you had a roll.

 

I'm not convinced the hubby would have hit on the OP or pursued her in any way if she had already been 50 lbs overweight. Plus I'm not sure he doesn't love her. Maybe he does. He just may be turned off from her sexually.

Edited November 23, 2009 by Scrivdog

[giotto]

The OP has expressed time and time again in this thread that she is certain her H loves her; he just isn't turned on by her right now. However, for some reason many in this thread are trying to convince the OP that her H doesn't love her at all. Now THAT's a lot of help.

 

no, he should be patient and support her in her effort to lose some weight... without being draconian about it... that's how you show your love...

[mem11363]

DM,

I agree with you. I am starting to think everyone should post their raw and adjustment BMI's before they post. I am thinking this is a case where the more rubenesque - male and female - plus sized folks fall on one side of this fence and the thinner/fitter folks on the other.

 

And no one is willing to address this as part and parcel of effort and grooming. No one ever responds to the question about why being overweight is a special category different then all other types of raw physical maintenance.

 

 

Actually, I truly believe part of the issue here IS laziness and the perception that the OP's husband had of his wife. When I was seeing a guy who, when we got together, had a bit of a belly, soon after he turned into a complete couch potato and put on a LOT of weight. It wasn't just his growing belly that repulsed me. It was his attitude about the whole thing; his laziness and his lack of caring.

[giotto]

DM,

I agree with you. I am starting to think everyone should post their raw and adjustment BMI's before they post. I am thinking this is a case where the more rubenesque - male and female - plus sized folks fall on one side of this fence and the thinner/fitter folks on the other.

 

And no one is willing to address this as part and parcel of effort and grooming. No one ever responds to the question about why being overweight is a special category different then all other types of raw physical maintenance.

 

you are so wrong about this... I'm Italian, six pack, good looking, very fit... I woudn't mind if my wife put quite a lot of weight on... she is my wife. If she wants to lose it, fine, we can work together and I would support her. The thing is, you lot are just putting a lot of emphasis on looks, not on brains and chemistry, and I find this very narrow-minded... just use your brain, not your dick or vagina...

[The Collector]

no, he should be patient and support her in her effort to lose some weight... without being draconian about it... that's how you show your love...

 

How is he being draconian? His c0ck simply won't respond to a woman who doesn't look like the one he married.

[TinyLee222]

DM,

I agree with you. I am starting to think everyone should post their raw and adjustment BMI's before they post. I am thinking this is a case where the more rubenesque - male and female - plus sized folks fall on one side of this fence and the thinner/fitter folks on the other.

 

Wrong!!! 5'8" 140lbs. lean, long and size 8,(boobs are fake though).

BMI 21. I have never been overweight except for about 20lbs. after pregnancy and I dropped them quick. I have always taken great care of myself. I am not as obsessed with being thin as I once was. My body builder first husband watched everything that went in my mouth. and even at 125lbs. my abs weren't hard enough for him.

 

What bothers me about FO's husband is that he: 1) told his wife that

he "wasn't a sexual person" 2) his first wife was thin and said that there

wasn't alot of sex. 3) they dated for a while and never had sex

4) they are religious. While I would be upset and probably not be

as turned on by my husband if he gained 50lbs, I still could never

deny him sex for 6 weeks. They went away to a B & B for a week

vacation and she couldn't get laid!

 

Something else is going on in this guys mind besides the weight. Affair, porn, Who knows? FO needs to lose the weight for herself and gain back

her self esteem. She may not want him after all of this. Resentment

runs deep.

 

Lee

[EmmaLou]

you are so wrong about this... I'm Italian, six pack, good looking, very fit... I woudn't mind if my wife put quite a lot of weight on... she is my wife. If she wants to lose it, fine, we can work together and I would support her. The thing is, you lot are just putting a lot of emphasis on looks, not on brains and chemistry, and I find this very narrow-minded... just use your brain, not your dick or vagina...

 

 

Me too... I'm slim, love exercise, healthy eating, have good self esteem, get attention from gym buffs... When my partner puts weight on I don't desire him any less.. I don't fancy him any less just because he doesn't like exercise, and likes takeaways... Love is more than that. Truly loving someone and feeling connected to them is what gets me aroused, it's love that gets me wet, not a six pack.

 

 

I don't understand why 50lbs makes a huge difference to a body? Surely, especially as a woman as the weight is spread out, there isn't much changing of shape? The same outline, only bigger all over. It's the same person, just softer....

[mem11363]

We will never change each others minds on this topic.

 

I do find it remarkable that there are still foks who are adamant that somehow this can't be the real issue for her husband when it so obviously is the real issue.

 

 

Me too... I'm slim, love exercise, healthy eating, have good self esteem, get attention from gym buffs... When my partner puts weight on I don't desire him any less.. I don't fancy him any less just because he doesn't like exercise, and likes takeaways... Love is more than that. Truly loving someone and feeling connected to them is what gets me aroused, it's love that gets me wet, not a six pack.

 

 

I don't understand why 50lbs makes a huge difference to a body? Surely, especially as a woman as the weight is spread out, there isn't much changing of shape? The same outline, only bigger all over. It's the same person, just softer....

[cheergirl]

I think a lot of people here are talking absolute boll*@%s, but I want to help you by being honest...so I have tried to stick to what you have said as opposed to others... I think an ounce of truth is worth more than a ton of sympathetic flim-flammery.

FACTS

 

1. I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs.
   
2. I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old.
   
3. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish.
   
4. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
   
5. Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs:eek:, I noticed our sex life was diminishing.
   
6. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off.
   
7. When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out.(Do it later in the day then, or is it that you're just lazy?)
   
8. One of the benefits(???) I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am. (Maybe you should consider a job where you can walk to work or find some way to incorporate movement into your daily routine)
   
9. Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish.
   
10. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. (Emotional blackmail: that's just wicked and sad...)
    
11. I am miserable.(Have you thought about how he feels?)
    
12. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. (This alone wasn't enough to make you change...)
    
13. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement. (And you refuse to use it?)
    

 

EXCUSES, DIVERSIONARY TACTICS & WAFFLE:

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.

 

• I have no excuse (Fact, accepting responsibility-GOOOD....)
  
• except I am so hurt and bitter. (Hurt by whom? Bitter towards whom? How has he hurt you? Watch out now, here it comes....BLAME HIM!!! YES!!!)
  
  

MORE EXCUSES, DIVERSIONARY TACTICS & WAFFLE

This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. (What a horrible, horrible man, poor you, have another doughnut...)

 

 

• Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore. (You have, and you clearly don't)
  
• I feel like he has me backed into a corner (He's done nothing of the sort...)
  
• I am defensive and hurt (because being defensive is easier than accepting responsibility like an adult, and changing.)
  
• I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. (Selfishness? Immaturity?)
  
• I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size.(Not as much as junk food)
  
• I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."(BINGO! PRESTO! IT'S HIS FAULT!!!:lmao:)
  
• When we were first married my husband was a food Nazi(?!) - really strict about not eating any junk food. (Is that a Nazi or just someone who cares about his/yours health and fitness)
  
• Again, that was fine for a while ( Boom! There it is! Bait & switch:) - I would have (sneak) fast food while I was out during the day.(Why? Why do you love something so unhealthy as fast food? Chemical-laden, high fat, high salt, non-food. It makes you fat and unhealthy yet you castigate your husband and love that sh*t:eek:)
  

EVEN MORE EXCUSES & BLAMESHIFTING PSYCHOBABBLE

I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life.(What? All 50lbs. of control?) Over the years, he has mellowed a bit (or maybe he's just tired, disillusioned, defeated watching his ever expanding wife) but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife.(Quite a jump!) He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 49

THIS IS THE BIGGEST LIE ON THIS THREAD WHICH I WILL NOW DECONSTRUCT...No you're not THE SAME...you're a person who has now eaten themselves to a distorted version of yourself, one whom your husband or anyone else who knew you only4 yrs ago probably doesn't recognise... You are not the same, you don't look the same, feel the same, sound the same, you snore, you can't physically do the same things you did, he can't do the same things to/with you that he could before. Like scoop you up and cuddle you (which probably made him feel strong and manly) he can't play fight or wrestle you w/out risking getting hurt or you getting hurt or falling or something you getting breathless or embarrassed and I'm pretty sure there's no backwards cowgirl action going on so let's stop the LYING and saying you're the same! You are not...Emotionally you are hurting and your self-esteem is probably at an all-time low.."How can all that possibly be the same?) but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. (Because it's all his fault really...)

Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!" (What a loving wife you are, he's so lucky:eek:)

 

I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.

(WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

I have been thinking what you wrote . .. that I "love food more than my marriage." It is harsh, but it has been ringing thru my mind since you wrote it. I don't love food more than him, I really don't. I want to have a trophy marriage, as hopeful wrote.

 

(Then be a trophy wife... someone he can feel proud of, feel sexually attracted to in addition to being best friends supportive and all the rest..Are his needs not of any consequence to you? Doesn't he deserve that? 1Cor.7:4)

 

Well, IMO, you should slap any such feelings that arise right silly, because as I see it, spouses have a moral obligation to keep themselves in good physical condition for one another.

Your husband should be able to expect that you will do everything reasonably within your power to remain healthy and sexually attractive. Think about what it means to not adopt this principle: Basically, it's a gigantic "f*ck you" to your spouse. "Yeah, that's right, I don't give two ****s about making myself appealing to you: now bone me." Ask yourself if you would marry anyone who had that attitude at the outset of a relationship. I think you wouldn't. So why in blue blazes should you, your husband, or anyone else, accept such an attitude from a spouse within a committed relationship?

There is a time when we must do what is required. This is one of those times. Much as I hate to say it, if nothing else works, you could try low dose amphetamines under the guidance of a physician. It's a bit extreme, but it's still a fairly safe option, and highly effective.

 

Completely agree, it's called being a grown-up...

 

It is easy for people who have not faced the life-long struggle with weight to just throw out the "lose weight" as if - poof - it will be easy and gone. IT IS NOT that simple. Hopeful - you obviously get it.

 

It is a cycle - one that I certainly take my share of responsibility for. (Who else is responsible??? Your husband who supports you, pays for trainers, coaching sessions, bought a home gym?? What part of the responsibility is his? Please explain, this I gotta hear...)

 

• Hubby told me 30lbs ago that my weight gain was a turn off. I didn't do anything but get bigger, so I "get it."
  

MORE EXCUSES, BLAME-SHIFTING & TWADDLE

But there is so much more to the dynamic and emotion of being in a relationship.

I waited to get married until I was 40 - until I had found THE right one. From our past history and then getting back together 12 years later, I had this {apparently false} idea that with my marriage I was getting unconditional love. I now understand that only comes from my heavenly Father {well, my mom is pretty close too }.

 

Hopeful is so right about the cycle and needing to break that. For 40 years I depended on no one but myself for my happiness. Once I got married, I tied it to him.

 

While I am still upset with my husband's attitude, what can I do but lose weight? It's not just him who's unhappy with the weight - it's me too. Sometimes when I go thru my closet and come across the cute pair of size 4 jeans I was wearing in August 2005, I dream about what it was like to be able to wear anything and look good in it. It was wonderful and I'd like to be back there one day.

 

Everyone here in the forum has been wonderful - even the "harsh" comments {in fact, most especially the harsh comments}.

 

I know we are in the era of political correctness, but sometimes you have to hear things from third party objective observers without the velvet glove. The words "you love food more than you love your husband" are still ringing in my ears {and were when I went for my first workout with a personal trainer today!}

 

Yesterday I made better food choices eating on my Zone/South Beach program. Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it. I know I have a looooooooooooooooooooong way to go, but I've taken the first step. Now the trick is to keep on keepin' on.

"Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it." This is your problem, you hate what's good for you and love what's bad for you and your marriage. You must teach yourself to mentally and emotionally discern what is truly good and bad food/drink/lifestyle... Only a small child will refuse life-saving medicine, because of the taste or the pain of an injection. An adult will say "This temporary pain or discomfort will help me to get better/be well and save my life, I'll take it! Thank you!"

My final word for this OP and all those of her ilk, defending the indefensible, blaming others, moaning, and complaining: "Grow up and take your medicine!"

[NowhereToHide]

We will never change each others minds on this topic.

 

I do find it remarkable that there are still foks who are adamant that somehow this can't be the real issue for her husband when it so obviously is the real issue.

 

But here's the thing, Mem.... I'm not arguing that it ISN'T the issue for him. I guess what I'm arguing is that if it IS the issue for him, then it speaks volume to what kind of person he is -- and I PERSONALLY could never be with someone like that.

 

It's simplistic to suggest that OP lose weight and everything will be "fixed". Yeah, I get the whole "men are visual creatures" argument. But what he is doing is nothing more than conditional acceptance of the one person he has chosen to love for the rest of his life. Conditional. Period. And I think it's unacceptable.

 

He should absolutely support her in her effort to become healthier. But withholding sex until she succeeds? It's hurtful, shameful, selfish and manipulative. If my H did this to me, I would be out the door.

[The Collector]

I don't understand why 50lbs makes a huge difference to a body? Surely, especially as a woman as the weight is spread out, there isn't much changing of shape? The same outline, only bigger all over. It's the same person, just softer....

 

So you would happily add 50lbs to your weight? Anyone else got any fairy stories?

[Holding-On]

But here's the thing, Mem.... I'm not arguing that it ISN'T the issue for him. I guess what I'm arguing is that if it IS the issue for him, then it speaks volume to what kind of person he is -- and I PERSONALLY could never be with someone like that.

 

It's simplistic to suggest that OP lose weight and everything will be "fixed". Yeah, I get the whole "men are visual creatures" argument. But what he is doing is nothing more than conditional acceptance of the one person he has chosen to love for the rest of his life. Conditional. Period. And I think it's unacceptable.

 

He should absolutely support her in her effort to become healthier. But withholding sex until she succeeds? It's hurtful, shameful, selfish and manipulative. If my H did this to me, I would be out the door.

 

Sorry I haven't read the entire 37 pages. But where in the original post did you get this? I get that he will have sex with her but now she has to do a lot of work to get it.

 

Also, according to BMI, optimally she would be 123. So she is carrying half again her healthy weight. This does make her a very different shape than what he married just four years earlier.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It was straightforward and to the point. She knew the issue and was honest as to the situation. She went from 135 on 5'2" to 185..... This the easiest problem i have seen on LS when it comes to a "sexless marriage".... She also admitted to a psychological war with her Husband over her weight (bad eating decisions and refusal to exercise). If only JamesM's (sorry to bring you up again) and others in 'sexless marriages' had so simple an answer.

 

On top of it, it wasn't that he didn't tell her there was an issue and wanted her to do something about it..... and she refused......

 

So as we approach 40 pages we go around and around and I just shake my head....

[mem11363]

OP gains wait - husband gets upset and complains - OP gains another 30. Several years pass and finally things come to a boil.

 

There is patient and then there is conflict avoidant. Reacting to years of being ignored is NOT draconian.

 

Without meaning to - all the well wishers here are undermining the OP's resolve and with it her marriage.

 

 

 

no, he should be patient and support her in her effort to lose some weight... without being draconian about it... that's how you show your love...

[giotto]

OP gains wait - husband gets upset and complains - OP gains another 30. Several years pass and finally things come to a boil.

 

There is patient and then there is conflict avoidant. Reacting to years of being ignored is NOT draconian.

 

Without meaning to - all the well wishers here are undermining the OP's resolve and with it her marriage.

 

I think the OP has given plenty of reasons for her weight gain and we are not talking about years...

[JamesM]

As far as BMI and weight, if anyone has a "right" to complain in our marriage, then it is my wife. I am forty pounds heavier than when we were married. BUT...she says she likes me with more weight. That is the odd thing about the BMI standards. Based on my weight then, I am classified as "normal." Now I am classified as "overweight." Anyone who looks at my wedding picture will tell you that I was too thin. Now I look a bit overweight, but there is hardly a noticeably large belly. Point is...classifying someone as "clinically obese" based on the BMI is faulty.

 

 

The OP has expressed time and time again in this thread that she is certain her H loves her; he just isn't turned on by her right now. However, for some reason many in this thread are trying to convince the OP that her H doesn't love her at all. Now THAT's a lot of help.

 

I was thinking about this and my responses, and I think I am one who has done this.

 

I do not doubt that F_O's husband loves her, and I think it is wrong of me as a cyberspace observer to send the message that for some reason he cannot based on his shallowness regarding her weight. Perhaps if we met in person my opinion would be more understanding.

 

I can only say that for me if I were in his shoes or in her shoes, based on my personal experiences and mindset, then I would not use sex as a way to get my wife to lose weight. I would not use something that I know could cause her to build up resentment to me. Instead my method would be one of rewards. Knowing how her weight bothers HER more than I, I would view it as selfish to use something that would only serve to show further rejection based on her already poor view of her body.

 

And if my wife used sex as an ultimatum to me regarding some issue (weight or what not), then I would change but inside of me I would question her love for me. If the results of me losing weight did bring a bountiful sex life, then maybe I would lose that resentment, but if I gained weight and once again the sex stopped, then I would feel as if it were about much more than weight and sex. For me, then it would be abut control and my independence to be my own person.

 

Just my two cents. And thank you, donna, for getting me to see how I may be sending the wrong message. If I were reading it, then it might depress me that others though my spouse did not love me as I thought. It may even get me thinking that he or she did not love me...even though IRL all evidence outside of this issue showed differently.

[EmmaLou]

So you would happily add 50lbs to your weight? Anyone else got any fairy stories?

 

I more or less did, when I started taking hormonal contraception. Nothing changed in our relationship apart from clothes size.. I didn't feel any less loved, he was still constantly touching me, telling me how beautiful I was, sex was the same. It came off when I stopped taking it.

[blair08]

Curious to know how things are actually going between F-O and her husband. All has been quiet lately.

[The Collector]

I more or less did, when I started taking hormonal contraception. Nothing changed in our relationship apart from clothes size.. I didn't feel any less loved, he was still constantly touching me, telling me how beautiful I was, sex was the same. It came off when I stopped taking it.

 

That's lovely, seriously. I guess the difference is the contraception was necessary for both of you, and he may have felt guilty that you took all the side-effects. He also may have figured this wasn't going to be a long-term, ever-increasing ballooning. And I guess some people add weight in different areas depending on their height or build, so it may have been less dramatic a change than the OP's. Also some men and women don't mind - or even like - their partner being 'curvier' - but for others it's a major turn-off and something of a deal-breaker.

[EmmaLou]

That's lovely, seriously. I guess the difference is the contraception was necessary for both of you, and he may have felt guilty that you took all the side-effects. He also may have figured this wasn't going to be a long-term, ever-increasing ballooning. And I guess some people add weight in different areas depending on their height or build, so it may have been less dramatic a change than the OP's. Also some men and women don't mind - or even like - their partner being 'curvier' - but for others it's a major turn-off and something of a deal-breaker.

 

I know and I'm starting to understand that.... we're all different and have different requirements. No-one in this thread with differing opinions is going to change their view... it's just how we are inside. I'm just posting my experience to support the idea that not everyone is like her husband and not all men are the same.. likewise all women aren't the same, as evidenced in this thread.

 

The thing that turns my guy off is not appearance, but arguments. If we ever argue, the last thing he wants to do is have sex. And from reading on different forums, most guys seem to not be affected by arguments and can forget the bad feeling, and have sex anyway, and sort things out afterwards. He needs to feel sexual in his mind first, and that everything is well with us emotionally, which is an attribute I thought only women had. So everyone's different..

 

Hehe @ balloooning... My boobs certainly did.

[Scrivdog]

What. Nobody is going to comment on this one? This needs to be framed. How can you refute any of this?

 

I think a lot of people here are talking absolute boll*@%s, but I want to help you by being honest...so I have tried to stick to what you have said as opposed to others... I think an ounce of truth is worth more than a ton of sympathetic flim-flammery.

 

 

FACTS

 

 

1. I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs.
   
2. I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old.
   
3. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish.
   
4. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
   
5. Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs:eek:, I noticed our sex life was diminishing.
   
6. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off.
   
7. When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out.(Do it later in the day then, or is it that you're just lazy?)
   
8. One of the benefits(???) I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am. (Maybe you should consider a job where you can walk to work or find some way to incorporate movement into your daily routine)
   
9. Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish.
   
10. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. (Emotional blackmail: that's just wicked and sad...)
    
11. I am miserable.(Have you thought about how he feels?)
    
12. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. (This alone wasn't enough to make you change...)
    
13. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement. (And you refuse to use it?)
    

EXCUSES, DIVERSIONARY TACTICS & WAFFLE:

 

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.

 

• I have no excuse (Fact, accepting responsibility-GOOOD....)
  
• except I am so hurt and bitter. (Hurt by whom? Bitter towards whom? How has he hurt you? Watch out now, here it comes....BLAME HIM!!! YES!!!)
  

  
  

MORE EXCUSES, DIVERSIONARY TACTICS & WAFFLE

 

This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. (What a horrible, horrible man, poor you, have another doughnut...)

 

 

• Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore. (You have, and you clearly don't)
  
• I feel like he has me backed into a corner (He's done nothing of the sort...)
  
• I am defensive and hurt (because being defensive is easier than accepting responsibility like an adult, and changing.)
  
• I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. (Selfishness? Immaturity?)
  
• I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size.(Not as much as junk food)
  
• I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."(BINGO! PRESTO! IT'S HIS FAULT!!!:lmao:)
  
• When we were first married my husband was a food Nazi(?!) - really strict about not eating any junk food. (Is that a Nazi or just someone who cares about his/yours health and fitness)
  
• Again, that was fine for a while ( Boom! There it is! Bait & switch:) - I would have (sneak) fast food while I was out during the day.(Why? Why do you love something so unhealthy as fast food? Chemical-laden, high fat, high salt, non-food. It makes you fat and unhealthy yet you castigate your husband and love that sh*t:eek:)
  

EVEN MORE EXCUSES & BLAMESHIFTING PSYCHOBABBLE

 

 

I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life.(What? All 50lbs. of control?) Over the years, he has mellowed a bit (or maybe he's just tired, disillusioned, defeated watching his ever expanding wife) but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife.(Quite a jump!) He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 49

THIS IS THE BIGGEST LIE ON THIS THREAD WHICH I WILL NOW DECONSTRUCT...No you're not THE SAME...you're a person who has now eaten themselves to a distorted version of yourself, one whom your husband or anyone else who knew you only4 yrs ago probably doesn't recognise... You are not the same, you don't look the same, feel the same, sound the same, you snore, you can't physically do the same things you did, he can't do the same things to/with you that he could before. Like scoop you up and cuddle you (which probably made him feel strong and manly) he can't play fight or wrestle you w/out risking getting hurt or you getting hurt or falling or something you getting breathless or embarrassed and I'm pretty sure there's no backwards cowgirl action going on so let's stop the LYING and saying you're the same! You are not...Emotionally you are hurting and your self-esteem is probably at an all-time low.."How can all that possibly be the same?) but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. (Because it's all his fault really...)

Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!" (What a loving wife you are, he's so lucky:eek:)

 

I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.

(WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

 

 

 

(Then be a trophy wife... someone he can feel proud of, feel sexually attracted to in addition to being best friends supportive and all the rest..Are his needs not of any consequence to you? Doesn't he deserve that? 1Cor.7:4)

 

 

 

Completely agree, it's called being a grown-up...

 

 

"Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it." This is your problem, you hate what's good for you and love what's bad for you and your marriage. You must teach yourself to mentally and emotionally discern what is truly good and bad food/drink/lifestyle... Only a small child will refuse life-saving medicine, because of the taste or the pain of an injection. An adult will say "This temporary pain or discomfort will help me to get better/be well and save my life, I'll take it! Thank you!"

My final word for this OP and all those of her ilk, defending the indefensible, blaming others, moaning, and complaining: "Grow up and take your medicine!"

[frustrated_one]

Curious to know how things are actually going between F-O and her husband. All has been quiet lately.

 

I know I have been MIA for a week; I've been busy, busy, busy 'tis the season.

 

One of the things my husband said to me during the second of our long conversations is that if I spent half the time I do working out as I do on the computer, I would not have gained the weight. It is amazing how the computer makes time disappear.

 

I have read the posts and gotten caught up on everything - I was shocked when I saw that my post was still at the top of the list. It shows me how salient the topic is for so many people.

 

To catch you up to the latest. I have lost 10lbs since the OP!

 

I'm glad things are going in the right direction, but it's still a depressing thought about how far I have to go, but I am going in the right direction.

 

I continue to see results of my discussions with my husband. We had sex again over the weekend. {So it seems he is not withholding sex until I get down to a certain weight.}

 

I had my hair done on Friday and when he got home he said, "You look nice" which was lovely to hear since he rarely gives me compliments. {I had brought this up in our convo, so I think he remembers and is trying.}

 

We've worked out/gone on walks once or twice together since I last posted. My efforts to work out and eat better seem to have motivated him - he has been getting up early on most days to work out. If he doesn't, he usually works out when he gets home.

 

Because we will be celebrating Thanksgiving here in the US on Thursday, I am really watching what I eat. I am trying to mainly drink my protein shakes and kinda of do a fat flush early this week so that when I have Thanksgiving dinner, I will not gain weight.

 

To me this seems very reasonable. I know Thursday {and Sunday when we go to a concert} we will be indulging a bit when it comes to food, so eating lighter earlier in the week should help me still lose weight and keep on track.

 

It seems to me that every time my husband sees me eating healthy or working out it is like I am giving him a bouquet of flowers. It makes him happy. He FEELS like I LOVE him. Weird? Maybe, but that seems his reaction.

 

I will turn 45 at the end of March 2010 and my goal is to be around 135lbs which is about what I was when we first got together in Dec. 2004. That means I should be wearing my cute size 4/6 jeans and I should have a very happy husband.

 

However, my goal is not to stop there. I really do want to have a hot bod - something I have never had in my entire life {as a girl or woman.}

 

So my ultimate goal is to be 117lbs by summer. Why 117? That's about what I weighed in high school AND that number should lower my body fat to the point where I can actually look good in a bathing suit!

 

My husband and I never really had a honeymoon. That is something I would like. So, since 2010 will mark our 5th anniversary, I have told him I would like to take the honeymoon we never had.

 

I want to go to Bora Bora for a week and stay in one of those huts over the water. He has not said yes, just that he will think about it, but it's a nice reward for me to dream about when I am torturing myself on the spin bike and my thighs are on fire. I think about Bora Bora and looking fabulous and sexy in a bathing suit for him . . . and for me!

[The Collector]

Yay! Good work Somewhat-Less-Frustrated-Already One!

[mem11363]

This is great. He really does love you. And he feels this effort as a GIANT - I love you back to him.

 

Happy Holidays FO

 

I always knew you loved him more then you loved food :)

 

 

 

PERFECT! THIS is how you do it! You've been doing great! You certainly have the right to "reward" yourself during the holiday. BUT - you are making sure you don't sabotage yourself. Way to go!

 

 

 

Good. He's giving you props for your efforts.

 

 

 

See, this is a good thing. Instead of just satisfying your H, you have made a goal to satisfy YOURSELF!