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No Sex Because of My Weight Gain


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Toodamnpragmatic

What a great synopsis and review of a too lengthy thread. I will venture that she is under 40 and is not jaded like many in the over 40 set are.

 

I admit I am beyond lucky when it comes to my wife. F_O, again we all wish you luck, but I must ask that you keep going back to the foot surgeries, which I am sure were not easy, but did that incapacitate you from going on an eliptical trainer or bicycle. I say because I am the other extreme, where I do need to run or something everyday (not marathons by any stretch of the the imagination), but when I have sprained my ankle and am heavily taped, I still am able to be on a bike or eliptical trainer.

 

BTW the next post where a man complains about a sexless marriage, I look forward to someone (outside the usual suspects) post that their wife is a B*&$ch.:rolleyes:

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"BTW the next post where a man complains about a sexless marriage, I look forward to someone (outside the usual suspects) post that their wife is a B*&$ch.":rolleyes:

 

Well I have seen that happen on here many times, where they say the woman is cold hearted who obviously doesn't care for or love him, even after the situation has been explained 500 times. Its rare I read that the wife really does love the husband and is justified in not having sex with him for whatever reason.

 

I have also seen where if a woman isn't getting her needs met sexually SOME people will say, that the husband really does love her and she needs to do her part and be more understanding etc. and that HE is justified in not wanting to have sex with her.

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We were talking about H being a very visual man, someone who obviously puts a lot of emphasis on looks... sure, wrinkles are natural, but if looks were a high priority for my man, I would be worried...

 

Her H does not sound any more visual or greater emphasis on looks than most guys I know, none of whom are sexually attracted to an overweight figure. Some of my guy friends (ages from 40 to 60) are single or divorced, and the women they date are generally same age group (ie, naturally wrinkled) and slim/average weight. My wife likes to read Playboy, but I find the girls in there look so young that instead of turning me on, it grosses me out (eeeew, she looks like my niece in college !).

 

My experience, consisting of 12 close male friends plus myself, strongly contradicts your assertion that normal aging is in any way similar to weight gain.

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frustrated_one

I appreciate the fairly exhaustive list of insults and accusations you culled together but one of the aspects of posting in a forum like this is that you are going to get lots of opinions.

 

If they knew my husband, they would not say those things, but they do not know him, so I do not take them as a personal affront or attack on him.

 

In a forum like this, I just take all the stuff people throw out there and put it in a sieve to process it. I use what is helpful and disgard that which is not.

 

Good, bad or whatever, IMO it is helpful to get various perspectives.

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Her H does not sound any more visual or greater emphasis on looks than most guys I know, none of whom are sexually attracted to an overweight figure. Some of my guy friends (ages from 40 to 60) are single or divorced, and the women they date are generally same age group (ie, naturally wrinkled) and slim/average weight. My wife likes to read Playboy, but I find the girls in there look so young that instead of turning me on, it grosses me out (eeeew, she looks like my niece in college !).

 

My experience, consisting of 12 close male friends plus myself, strongly contradicts your assertion that normal aging is in any way similar to weight gain.

 

 

Well I'm in my early 5's and wear a size 6 dress, my ex found me too old to be visually appealing, his porn collection consisted entirely of women in their early 20's.. he also openly stated that by the time a woman was 35

that the beginning of the end of her looks was well underway.

 

PS, single men in my peer group? the women they're dating range from early 30's to early 40's, they're not interested in a female age peer whatsoever.

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I just think the OP will be bitterly disappointed when H will start blaming the wrinkles after she's lost the weight... call me cynical, but I know that type of man...

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Well I'm in my early 5's and wear a size 6 dress, my ex found me too old to be visually appealing, his porn collection consisted entirely of women in their early 20's.. he also openly stated that by the time a woman was 35

that the beginning of the end of her looks was well underway.

 

PS, single men in my peer group? the women they're dating range from early 30's to early 40's, they're not interested in a female age peer whatsoever.

 

Lots of guys (like me) just go nuts over an experienced lady who is also a Sexy Size 6. Having read your story, sorry that your husband majorly SUCKED in bed and needed porn even to get hard. Sounds like he was an exceptional Azzhole with a sex disorder - not your typical adult male.

 

Sure there are plenty of 50 yo jerks wanting to date the high school prom queen. Don't worry they are minority and not worth your time anyway. Dating is tough and can make even the most optimistic person a bit cynical. Glad I am happily married.

 

My position is this: confidence and fitness are attractive at any age.

Weight gain and blaming others for it is NOT sexy no matter how young.

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I just think the OP will be bitterly disappointed when H will start blaming the wrinkles after she's lost the weight... call me cynical, but I know that type of man...

 

Ok: you are cynical.

 

Now call me an optimist: she will be re-energized at her lower weight and have the confidence of her younger days. His attraction to her slim figure and sexy confidence will have them locked in the bedroom and she will not have time to post on internet forums.

 

Trust me on this. I have recovered from a once-sexless marriage, and now we are hittin' it twice a week. And guess what played a big role? Physical fitness for both of us.

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Ok: you are cynical.

 

Now call me an optimist: she will be re-energized at her lower weight and have the confidence of her younger days. His attraction to her slim figure and sexy confidence will have them locked in the bedroom and she will not have time to post on internet forums.

 

Trust me on this. I have recovered from a once-sexless marriage, and now we are hittin' it twice a week. And guess what played a big role? Physical fitness for both of us.

 

ah, you see? Physical fitness for both of us. Not a unilateral demand from one partner... but congratulations to you for turning your situation around... I wish mine was so simple as in "just lose a bit of weight"... lol

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ah, you see? Physical fitness for both of us. Not a unilateral demand from one partner... but congratulations to you for turning your situation around... I wish mine was so simple as in "just lose a bit of weight"... lol

 

Since you replied in this way I should clarify.

I have always been physically active and within 5 pounds of my high-school soccer/lacrosse athletic weight.

But my wife had 2 kids then stopped exercising and gained 40 pounds.

YES my attraction was lower. The girl who used to enjoy bike rides was now more into naps and snacking = not very sexy!

Also not sure if it was the extra weight but her sex drive left the building.

 

Nowadays we BOTH are more active physically. This is nothing new for me, but for her it is a pleasant return to earlier fitness interests.

My point was that when BOTH partners are active it can definitely keep the sparks going.

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This has become nothing more than a who is right and who is wrong in their opinion game.

 

No one really knows for sure how things might turn out for the OP and her husband after she loses weight etc. It could get way better, way worse or stay somewhere in the middle I suppose.

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Toodamnpragmatic
This has become nothing more than a who is right and who is wrong in their opinion game.

 

No one really knows for sure how things might turn out for the OP and her husband after she loses weight etc. It could get way better, way worse or stay somewhere in the middle I suppose.

 

As far as sex goes..... she loses weight and he will want to have sex with her. As far as the rest of their marriage, no one knows for sure in any marriage...... The fact anyone is arguing this point still leaves me flabbergasted.....:mad:

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NowhereToHide
As far as sex goes..... she loses weight and he will want to have sex with her. As far as the rest of their marriage, no one knows for sure in any marriage...... The fact anyone is arguing this point still leaves me flabbergasted.....:mad:

 

Yep... no arguments here. He will finally REWARD her with sex.

 

What a sad statement that is.

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frozensprouts

Frustrated One:

 

i had problems with weight too- i found exercising really hard, as I have scoliosis that has compressed a bunch of nerves in my back and resulted in several herniated discs. I was taking Tramadol and demerol for pain ( morphiene when it got really bad), which didn't do a whole lot.

 

We ended up getting a nintendo wii for our kids, and one of the games was "Wii fit' . I tried using it, and found it kind of fun. i started using it every day, and lost about 25 lbs ( now I am kind of underweight, but it's better for my back) - I have been able to stop taking the tramadol, etc. and only have to us pain meds when my scoliosis 'flares up"- which is so much better!

 

i know that this is not the same as going to the gym, but it was a start, and once I started to see some positive results, I felt much more encouraged to try other ways of keeping fit ( plus it had the added advantage of being able to do it in my own home and when i felt like I could do it)

 

would something like this help you?

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As far as sex goes..... she loses weight and he will want to have sex with her. As far as the rest of their marriage, no one knows for sure in any marriage...... The fact anyone is arguing this point still leaves me flabbergasted.....:mad:

 

 

As I said, its turned into who is right and who is wrong on what her husband will or will not do. You just proved my point. You say you know what he will do, if she loses weight, so according to you you are right.

 

People act as if they are 100% sure on what he will or will not do. No one is 100% sure on anything.

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This has become nothing more than a who is right and who is wrong in their opinion game.

 

 

Exactly... No man here can speak for every man, and no woman here can speak for every woman. Not all mans attraction is driven by strict appearance standards, and not all womens attraction is driven by romance and emotion. As evidenced in this thread and our experiences.

 

And no, just because I have the feelings I have doesn't mean I'm fat (or maybe I am with some peoples standards at 5ft 7 130lbs) and just because some of the men here are sex starved doesn't mean they've lowered their standards appearance wise. Disgusting.. projecting your own standards onto the rest of the planet.

 

People just need to figure out what's important to each other before the relationship gets too deep...

 

I know TDP and I think differently on this, but I agree that there's no point arguing on it as you can't change what someone finds attractive.

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Yep... no arguments here. He will finally REWARD her with sex.

 

What a sad statement that is.

 

After being gone for a few days, this thread has grown as expected. :laugh: And now, advice is not being given as much as positions are being hardened.

 

This one comment caught my attention because it does say what the "naysaying negabobs" have been saying.

 

This is the concern.

 

F_O, I feel for you, and am glad that you are losing the weight. I do hope that this "simple solution" (and for those who struggle with weight...this is hardly the word to use) will solve the sex issue. It certainly may.

 

The question is...is that all there is to the problem?

 

If it is, then sex will be plentiful, or rather, you will have about as much as you need.

 

If it is not, then another reason will arise.

 

Looking at my own wife a couple of times this past week. I can say that her weight gain does impede her attractiveness. No question. Yet I can say that for me it does not take away my desire for her.

 

HOWEVER, I can see how it would for someone. I can see how this could be a major stumbling block for someone who needs the visual beauty to feel interested in sex. While I too need physical beauty to visually stimulate me, I can say that the emotional attachment does "overrule" this for me.

 

I for one, am cheering you on, F_O. And I do hope that weight loss is all that it will take. I do see that it is a real possibility.

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Toodamnpragmatic
Exactly... No man here can speak for every man, and no woman here can speak for every woman. Not all mans attraction is driven by strict appearance standards, and not all womens attraction is driven by romance and emotion. As evidenced in this thread and our experiences.

 

And no, just because I have the feelings I have doesn't mean I'm fat (or maybe I am with some peoples standards at 5ft 7 130lbs) and just because some of the men here are sex starved doesn't mean they've lowered their standards appearance wise. Disgusting.. projecting your own standards onto the rest of the planet.

 

People just need to figure out what's important to each other before the relationship gets too deep...

 

I know TDP and I think differently on this, but I agree that there's no point arguing on it as you can't change what someone finds attractive.

 

I don't think we do think differently..... Simply I say that his attraction and the will to want to have sex has vanished once she hit a certain weight and enough was enough and he was no longer interested in sex.

 

So how about an equation as to how one's attraction wanes as weight increases. Here we have a woman who put on 40% body weight. So l say if your ideal weight (females) is 130, and you put on 10% (or 13 lbs), desire decreases 10%, +20% weight -30% desire, +30% (-50%), +40% weight (-75%)......

 

Again, please FO, this is not about you. You started a thread, knew the issue and have taken actions and we all are cheering for you.

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I don't know if you're still reading this FO, but I just wanted to say that I'm hoping you are making changes in your diet and activity level that you can maintain forever. Protien shakes can only cut it for so long. I'm hoping that you don't fall into the trap of going back to your old eating habits after you loose the weight. If you really want to keep the weight off and be healthy, the diet and exercize changes you make now need to stay in place forever. Good luck.

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It's probably been posted already, but I think you should lose the weight not to make him love you, but because you love yourself. Being overweight is unhealthy and it shows that you don't care about yourself. That combined with the negative impact on physical appearance contributes a great deal to a lack of desire if I had to guess.

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I believe Cheergirl simply showed that in this thread the desire to punish the husband is greater than the wish to help the OP. Or at least many people appear to be behaving that way.

 

 

What a great synopsis and review of a too lengthy thread. I will venture that she is under 40 and is not jaded like many in the over 40 set are.

BTW the next post where a man complains about a sexless marriage, I look forward to someone (outside the usual suspects) post that their wife is a B*&$ch.:rolleyes:

 

Thank you mem, and TDP:o

It took bloody ages to copy and paste all those quotes....

Glad to see someone got it... Personally I couldn't give a monkey's what others think... My warning is still to the original poster who knew what she had to do in her OP, but complained started a pity-party ended up with a million strangers insulting her husband...

I don't even accept that the assertion that "all opinions are valid"...

 

MY FINAL WORDS ON THIS SUBJECT from TDP's redux:)

 

 

 

  • I think folks have problems, but many don't want solutions. They want allies, co-conspirators who'll sympathize and take their side, rightly or wrongly. Misery loves company.:rolleyes:

 

 

  • There appears to be a very serious double-standard here and men seem to get the short end of the stick. The amount of bias against males is so disproportionate and grossly unfair that it would be laughable were it not necessary to keep the planet populated....War of the sexes, indeed...:eek:

 

 

  • The men who take the OP's side, ok, I'm generalizing now, but I think they are in such an intolerable situation:( that they, or rather their (subconscious?)minds have been forced to make such an adjustment; to rationalize, twist, justify their own wives actions (eating too much) or lack of them(denying sex, staying reasonably attractive, not exercising/moving) towards them and are now able to (honestly!) project this (IMHO rather warped) mindset onto other males, as "being 'good husbands', accepting, understanding 'loving' of their wives". Even castigating other males who would dare to challenge their wives' behaviour. Thus ensuring a lot of positive feedback from other (I'm guessing overweight) women who are also in this situation... End result: women get justification, ("See, she gained 80 lbs and her spouse still has sex w/her!!! Why can't you be like that???) they get their own male cheerleader, but sadly, this doesn't help or change the barely tolerable reality those men/women are stuck in... They are still in their unhappy situations.. It's seems like emotionally unhealthy symbiotic realtionship that must provide some comfort for these unhappy folks... Online... Oh yes it also provides self-justification for the husband's own inadequacies and lack of control over his situation etc. In effect, it's a two-fold solution which absolves him of guilt for not being in control of is wife/life-situation, and gives him the appearance of a moral high ground.

I think this is a domestic form of the Stockholm Syndrome.. Thoughts on a postcard please...

There is none so blind as s/he who will not see...

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F-O, I think you have decided your course.

 

How is it going for you and your husband?

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THAT is unavoidable. Continuous weight gain over a four year period is TOTALLY avoidable. It's all in how the H views his wife's efforts on his behalf.

 

Wrinkles might be unavoidable but to a highly visually oriented man they are just as much a sexual turn off as excess weight gain is.

 

I'm in my early 50's and divorced, living with a room mate and cats, my 55 yr old ex is living with a 33 yr old smokingly hot woman with a body that doesn't quit. Ever notice that the overwheming majority of centerfolds are young women? there's a reason for that.

 

Unless and until I'm willing to decide to start dating guys in their mid to late 60's, men with significant health issues or fiscal problems who need help

and care taking my chances of having another long term sexual relationship are pretty slim.

Edited by soserious1
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