No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[frustrated_one]

Yes, I agree. That's such a sad sad example, but it is definitely true.

 

You said you two are Christians and as such it is your duty to respect him. But God also calls on him to love you. I will pray for him that his love for you is reignited in a way you can feel. I really hope you guys can work it out.

 

I kid you not Hopeful - my mom and I were talking about this today when I was driving home from an appointment. God never tells a woman to love her husband - He says she must respect him. God tells men they should love their wives. Of course, in the original language - the word love is not an erotic love . . . and that is the loop hole for him, I suppose. He is a good man who treats me very well except for in this area.

 

I just got my Dr. Harley book and skipped ahead to read the chapter on physical attraction. He says it's as valid as the emotional needs like affection, conversation, financial support, etc. It doesn't feel fair, but that's life I guess.

[frustrated_one]

Thank you for sharing your experience and for being a light in my darkness.

 

RE: getting a treadmill - literally ours just went out the door five minutes ago. My hudband had bought me a top of the line commerical SOLE one when we got married. I ended up having my foot surgeries and just could not take the treadmill anymore.

 

So I put it on Craig's List two days ago and poof! It's gone. The trainer that my husband set me up with says that in her opinion, the treadmill and the elliptical are the two worse machines in a gym. I don't know.

 

She wants me on a water rowing machine - so I guess that's what we'll be buying with the money we got from the sale of the treadmill. We'll put it down stairs along side all the rest of his gym setup. He wants me to try out his spin bike - not sure if I'm ready for that!

 

I am rooting for you. Sorry this is so hard. I get the dark road thing. That is tough. Two ideas for you:

- I bought this miners headlamp - similar to: black diamond icon headlamp, it works really well for night time walk/run. Comfortable and bright.

- A treadmill - the best thing about this is that you can set it up with tivo so you can watch your favorite show/shows while walking - this also weatherproofs your routine. I think this is the best answer by far if you have a place to put it.

 

I will simply tell you that this journey is totally worth it. And I say that from the other side of the mountain - when I fixed my weight issue - and the physical part of our marriage really returned, that was a joyous thing. And I can sit here all day long and say my wife is shallow - doesn't change the fact she is nearly perfect for me. Doesn't change the fact that I deeply love her and wanted her to desire me and she could not.

 

This is what I would say to him.

- Be supportive - this is hard for your wife

- Touch her, hug her and give her a nice massage at night - be loving

- Do things that are fun and active for both of you - go on hikes - be a good partner

- If she wants a treadmill - support that

[frustrated_one]

Today was weigh-in day - I lost 4.5lbs. I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out. We even went for a walk tonight, enjoying the 65 degrees weather. He noticed that I was walking fast - made it hard for him to smoke his cigar and take a sip of Southern Comfort from his flask {and no, I am not kidding. Our agreement is that if we go on a walk together he can smoke his cigars - cause they ain't comin' into the house. The Southern Comfort was his little bonus.}

 

My thanks to all of you for your support during the week to help me take these initial steps. I know I have a loooooooooooong way to go, but at least I have started and I feel like I have mentally turned a corner.

 

For a couple of years I have been resistant to show him that I was trying to lose weight - I would wait until he left for work to get on the treadmill. Today when working out in front of him and accepting his help, all of a sudden a light switch flipped. Showing him my effort seemed to do for him what him giving me flowers does. Might seem weird, but that's how it seemed.

 

Last night we had date night - movie (no pop corn, no drinks or candy) and then dinner (I immediately asked for a to go container and put half my dinner it in. No bread, no dessert.) Then today at our church ladies luncheon where the men made and served us lunch - I had no rice or bread. Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"

 

So begins the journey of losing 70 lbs.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Good luck on your journey, F_O. It's not an easy one - losing a bunch of weight. BTDT, got the t-shirt. I'm down almost 70 from the highest I got in my x-marriage. A lot of it was stress eating, anxiety, and depression.

 

I just wanted to add...have you ever heard of Paul McKenna? He has this program called "I Can Make You Thin." He wrote a book, but he also aired a mini-series on TLC that outlined the concepts from his book. I would bet you could probably either find it online, or the book is small (so inexpensive - paperback). The concepts are fantastic and I feel they are sound. It's a long journey - weight-loss - and I feel that extra tools can only help (as long as you don't get overwhelmed).

 

I also wanted to say that I agree with JJ's words about workouts. It's amazing what a difference it can make in my mood when I workout vs when I don't. For the longest time, there, I dreaded workouts. Then I got in this fitness kick this past summer where I was going crazy - running, swimming, biking, hiking, etc. I was doing so much that I had 3 menstrual cycles in a row that were shortened. This worried me, so I took a hiatus from all the working out and my cycle has normalized. But I noticed something there towards the end of my hiatus - I hit a very stressful time and needed SOMETHING to snap me out of it. You know what hit my mind? "I HAVE to go running. RIGHT NOW." And I did. It made me feel fantastic. My mind felt clearer, my body was at peace, I had endorphins (nature's anti-depressants and pain-killer) - the situation all of a sudden became bearable.

 

I just wanted to share that the biggest thing for me - the thing that REALLY kept me going on all the working out - was variety. I kid you not. I knew it was time to get off my rear and go do something. There were a couple of times where I had something already in mind, had a workout "planned." But for whatever reason, I just didn't feel like doing THAT on that particular day. So I just came up with a new activity. As long as I was moving, I cut myself slack for missing whatever was "planned." That was huge for me. But you know what? I was still burning calories - and THAT is what matters.

 

I wish you well on your journey. I know all too well how difficult it is. I'd still like to lose about 30 more.

[frustrated_one]

I really appreciate your post and sharing ideas and resources. You must feel very proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished - congratulations!! I know you said you still have 30 to go, but can you tell me - what does it feel like 70lbs thinner?

 

I will Google McKenna and check him out.

 

I am getting ready to go on a walk with my hubby this morning as it is beautiful here. Then I'll do a breakfast from South Beach and get ready to go to church. When we get home, my hubby is going to help me do some "bag" work - he has several different ones I can use. I'll be doing kicking and working with boxing gloves, etc. He wants me to try his spinning bike as well. Then tomorrow I am going to work our with a trainer - this week stretch bands and a row machine, next week she says we'll start kettle bells.

 

So hopefully, like you said, I have some variety to keep me interested.

[seoa]

Today was weigh-in day - I lost 4.5lbs. I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out.

 

My thanks to all of you for your support during the week to help me take these initial steps. I know I have a loooooooooooong way to go, but at least I have started and I feel like I have mentally turned a corner.

 

For a couple of years I have been resistant to show him that I was trying to lose weight - I would wait until he left for work to get on the treadmill. Today when working out in front of him and accepting his help, all of a sudden a light switch flipped. Showing him my effort seemed to do for him what him giving me flowers does. Might seem weird, but that's how it seemed.

 

Good for you... I've just spent a few years(!) reading all the posts on this thread, and I have to say, I'm seriously impressed... Doing this with him 'getting it wrong' (guys can be idiots sometimes, dontcha think ) in the motivation stakes is impressive... You go girl!!!

 

Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"

 

To which you smile, kiss him, and say "Of course I want it, idiot - now hide it quickly..."

 

My recent ex had unrealistic expectations of my figure when we first met (too many years being single, and turning to *cough* 'unreal' women to meet his sexual needs)... My response was to say "I just lost 30lbs before we met, so for me, this is thin - if you want to keep me this way, you will stop buying a packet of biscuits (edit: cookies, I think, in American) every day and encouraging me to eat them with you /eating them in front of me, because I can tell you now that is the way to my dress size going up again..."

 

He struggled with it for a while ("What, I have to make a sacrifice to get what I care about?"), but eventually figured out that he could be a part of it all...

 

I never missed the biscuits when I didn't see them, but I know for myself that my willpower succeeds lets say 4 times out of 5 is saying "no" to something I want... So why put something tempting in front of me 30 times a month more frequently than necessary - because then I'm going to 'fail' 6 times, and there starts the bad eating habits...

 

Sounds like he's ready for you to have the conversation about *how* he can use his Food Police behaviour to benefit your joint campaign to get you fitter... But he needs to understand what will help *you* - e.g. my ex got seriously bent out of shape if I ever ate crisps (sorry, 'chips' for you americans) - because he didn't like them himself, so saw them as 'evil foods'... whereas from years of reading the back of packets, I know that there's less fat in a small bag of crisps than in a few biscuits, and eating the occasional small bag doesn't trigger my sweet-tooth cravings for the next few days... I never did get that one sorted with him, but it wasn't helpful...

 

Edit: and in explaining all this to him, you need to program in a 'get out clause' - the usual thing in most diets is to say something like "Behave all week really well, and allow yourself one meal where you don't worry" - I had a friend who went from a size 22 to a size 14 (sorry, can't translate those to american) just (no exercise, coz of her disability) through low fat diet with the 'one meal a week whatever you like' clause - oh, she was also allowed one treat (e.g. nice coffee /chocolate bar) a week...

 

You will last much longer if you have the occasional agreed treat - and he needs to remember that he's 'working with you', not being your parent (a risk if he's officially given the Food Police role)

Edited November 8, 2009 by seoa

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I wish you the best of luck.... And remember you are doing it for yourself....

[OpenBook]

Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"

 

So on the one hand he tells you he doesn't want to have sex because of your weight... and then he sets a big dessert in front of you - in public, no less??!? What in the world was he thinking??

[clv0116]

... I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out. We even went for a walk tonight, enjoying the 65 degrees weather.

 

Good luck, you should have never resisted his attempts to motivate you but you're doing something constructive now.

[Lucky_One]

It's called love. What a novel idea in a marriage.

 

No. That's called chemistry. A essential thing in a marriage.

[mem11363]

One of the 5 love languages is sacrifice. It is a very real, very sincere way to show love. He absolutely feels loved when he sees you doing this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. That's called chemistry. A essential thing in a marriage.

[seoa]

Good luck, you should have never resisted his attempts to motivate you but you're doing something constructive now.

 

erm, he never "attempted to motivate" her - he was *mean* to her...

 

1. she had multiple foot surgeries, so her usual exercise was not possible for her

2. he encourages her to eat high fat junk foods, when *he* is in the mood for them...

3. he made her feel awful about herself for the weight, when she has always had body-image issues since she was a kid... i'm with the posters who have said he might have felt his attraction to her impacted, but he doesn't have the right to convey that in a mean & spiteful manner...

 

note to all the guys out there: if he wanted her to get motivated to lose weight, he would have had much greater success if he'd made her feel good about herself (focussing on all the things he still liked about her) and gone from there...

 

fortunately, she's found her own motivation, which has got him feeling happy about her, and it's all working out nicely, but it doesn't excuse his rubbish behaviour...

[clv0116]

erm, he never "attempted to motivate" her - he was *mean* to her...

 

IWhen we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. .... He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement. .... When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day.

 

He:

 

• Partnered up on working out
• Offered to buy any coaching or memberships she needed
• Tried to help her police her food intake, which she circumvented

 

Maybe you should read the OP before replying.

[seoa]

He:

 

• Partnered up on working out
  
• Offered to buy any coaching or memberships she needed
  
• Tried to help her police her food intake, which she circumvented
  

Maybe you should read the OP before replying.

 

He:

- 'allowed' her to join him on his existing workout, at a time (and presumably with types of exercise - I don't believe she said) that suited *him*. That wasn't 'partnering'... The partnering has only happened in the last day or so...

 

- OK, yes, he threw some money at this... Which was good of him, I guess... Money does help...

 

- organises the food in a way that suits him - he bans carbs but then takes her out & 'demands' the high-fat meats on the menu, and talks her into buying ice-cream & other sweet stuff when she's trying to show restraint... Again, this is not 'partnering' - this is overbearing 'parenting', of the "you will do what works for me, whether it works for you or not" careless school...

 

And I have read the entire thing - all 20 pages & counting... Hence I know about her foot operations interrupting her old exercise plan, and her childhood experience of "feeling fat when I was 115lbs", and her despair at his unhelpful attitude towards encouraging her to eat 'bad' foods when she wanted to get the diet started...

[clv0116]

Let's recap.

 

erm, he never "attempted to motivate" her - he was *mean* to her...

 

To which I quoted:

 

IWhen we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. .... He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement. .... When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day.

 

And pointed out:

 

He:

 

• Partnered up on working out
• Offered to buy any coaching or memberships she needed
• Tried to help her police her food intake, which she circumvented

 

Maybe you should read the OP before replying.

 

 

So here it is broken into more easy to read bits:

 

When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. ....

 

He tried to get her out of bed and exercising, which she wouldn't do.

 

 

 

He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement. ....

 

He offered to hire trainers, buy gym memberships, and they have a complete home gym.

 

 

 

When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day.

 

He was strict with food choices, which she circumvented by eating junk when he wasn't around.

 

 

 

 

I have read the entire thing - all 20 pages & counting... Hence I know about her foot operations interrupting her old exercise plan, and her childhood experience of "feeling fat when I was 115lbs", and her despair at his unhelpful attitude towards encouraging her to eat 'bad' foods when she wanted to get the diet started...

 

I never commented on her childhood drama.

[SoulSearch_CO]

what does it feel like 70lbs thinner?

Feels great - albeit a little strange. It takes some adjusting. If you've been heavy for any amount of time, when you get thin again, you'll see what I mean. I almost always pick out clothing sizes at the store to try on that are too big, I have a hard time letting go of clothes that are too big for me in my closet, I get cold easier, and my butt is bonier. LOL But specifically, since it relates to your post, sex is even better. That's definitely something to look forward to.

 

Keep up the good work.

[Jersey Shortie]

Frustrated one, I am glad your working out and feeling better already but it seems your husband's love and affection is dependent on your body. And that is what troubles me about your situation.

 

Today was weigh-in day - I lost 4.5lbs. I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out. We even went for a walk tonight, enjoying the 65 degrees weather. He noticed that I was walking fast - made it hard for him to smoke his cigar and take a sip of Southern Comfort from his flask {and no, I am not kidding. Our agreement is that if we go on a walk together he can smoke his cigars - cause they ain't comin' into the house. The Southern Comfort was his little bonus.}

 

So he's allowed to have bad habits such as smoking cigars and drinking but he wants you to be "fit"??????????? Are you kidding me. I am not trying to rain on your parade but this is so wrong. He doesn't care about being fit, he just cares about you being thin. That's not the way a husband should love a wife. At least one that truly loves you for you.

 

 

Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"

 

Was he testing you? Seems weird for him to be all mean to you about being overweight and then putting deserts infront of you. You're husbands seems manipulative.

 

I really am sorry but I really hope you are loosing the weight for you, and not for your husband's ransom of his affection for you. I am actually pretty disgusted that his time, love and affection are dependent on you working out.

[mem11363]

JS,

Alcohol in moderation is not harmful - even if the person drinking it is a male.

 

Read the 5 love languages - sacrifice is one of them - it is a valid way to show love

 

At least tell the OP you find most men worthy of your contempt - so she doesn't just think it is just her husband you find lacking.

 

 

 

Frustrated one, I am glad your working out and feeling better already but it seems your husband's love and affection is dependent on your body. And that is what troubles me about your situation.

 

 

 

So he's allowed to have bad habits such as smoking cigars and drinking but he wants you to be "fit"??????????? Are you kidding me. I am not trying to rain on your parade but this is so wrong. He doesn't care about being fit, he just cares about you being thin. That's not the way a husband should love a wife. At least one that truly loves you for you.

 

 

 

 

Was he testing you? Seems weird for him to be all mean to you about being overweight and then putting deserts infront of you. You're husbands seems manipulative.

 

I really am sorry but I really hope you are loosing the weight for you, and not for your husband's ransom of his affection for you. I am actually pretty disgusted that his time, love and affection are dependent on you working out.

[hopeful1980]

No. That's called chemistry. A essential thing in a marriage.

 

That's what gets you married, but it's not what keeps you married. Chemistry or the feeling of attraction or being in love with a person comes and goes. Sometimes you are more attracted to them and sometimes less. Commitment is what keeps you together in the times were there is less and love should help you support your spouse when they aren't at their best.

[JamesM]

That's what gets you married, but it's not what keeps you married. Chemistry or the feeling of attraction or being in love with a person comes and goes. Sometimes you are more attracted to them and sometimes less. Commitment is what keeps you together in the times were there is less and love should help you support your spouse when they aren't at their best.

 

Well said.

 

And unfortunately, many today decide that they must be divorced because those feelings disappeared. Commitment will bring those feelings back.

[hopeful1980]

Well said.

 

And unfortunately, many today decide that they must be divorced because those feelings disappeared. Commitment will bring those feelings back.

 

If anyone knows about commitment, it's you James. You have the patience of a saint.

[Thornton]

Frustrated one, I am glad your working out and feeling better already but it seems your husband's love and affection is dependent on your body. And that is what troubles me about your situation.

 

It doesn't seem that the husband's love and affection is dependent upon the OP's body - just his sexual attraction, which is to be expected. He apparently still loves and cares about her (otherwise he would simply have filed for divorce and traded her in for someone more attractive) - he just doesn't want to have sex with her because she's become physically unattractive. He isn't ransoming his affection, he's simply refusing to have sex with someone who he finds unattractive, which is what pretty much every human being on the planet does.

 

 

So he's allowed to have bad habits such as smoking cigars and drinking but he wants you to be "fit"??????????? Are you kidding me. I am not trying to rain on your parade but this is so wrong. He doesn't care about being fit, he just cares about you being thin. That's not the way a husband should love a wife. At least one that truly loves you for you.

 

The fact is, smoking a cigar does not make someone physically unattractive, but being obese does. You can still be a movie star or model if you smoke, but not if you weigh a hundred pounds more than you really should. Most guys would still have sex with (insert gorgeous celebrity name here) if she smoked, but not if she was obese.

 

 

I really am sorry but I really hope you are loosing the weight for you, and not for your husband's ransom of his affection for you. I am actually pretty disgusted that his time, love and affection are dependent on you working out.

 

The problem is that you're confusing love and sex. Love is based on the person, but sex is based on physical attraction - you can love someone without finding them physically attractive, but you wouldn't want to have sex with them. If someone becomes physically unattractive, you may still love them but would no longer desire sex with them, which is what seems to be the issue here. In fact I commend the husband for standing by his wife despite his loss of attraction to her, because that shows he cares about her as a person and his desire to be with her is not solely founded upon physical attraction.

[hopeful1980]

 

The fact is, smoking a cigar does not make someone physically unattractive, but being obese does. You can still be a movie star or model if you smoke, but not if you weigh a hundred pounds more than you really should. Most guys would still have sex with (insert gorgeous celebrity name here) if she smoked, but not if she was obese.

 

 

That is not a fact. Smoking does make a person physically unattractive. It's makes you stink, your teeth turn yellow, and your skin turn to leather. It's not attractive on a man or a woman.

[JamesM]

If anyone knows about commitment, it's you James. You have the patience of a saint.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

The fact is, smoking a cigar does not make someone physically unattractive, but being obese does. You can still be a movie star or model if you smoke, but not if you weigh a hundred pounds more than you really should. Most guys would still have sex with (insert gorgeous celebrity name here) if she smoked, but not if she was obese.

 

I doubt you speak for most guys, so I will not be ashamed to say that cigarettes DO turn me off enough to not want to date a girl let alone have sex with her. Years ago, there was a girl who wanted to date me, and when she heard that I didn't date smokers, she quit. We dated. My guess is that she began after we quit dating.

 

As for actresses being obese and not acting, I think you are looking at only a few movies. We could easily hijack this thread and begin listing the many who do act and are more overweight than the OP.

 

Personally, as many other men (not speaking for most), I have no problem having sex with an overweight woman. To me it is about the eyes, the smile, the personality, the performance, AND the body. Oddly, the body doesn't rank number one when one wants good sex. A beautiful woman who has no energy and zest for sex will be much less satisfying than a less than perfect woman who enjoys it.

 

 

The problem is that you're confusing love and sex. Love is based on the person, but sex is based on physical attraction - you can love someone without finding them physically attractive, but you wouldn't want to have sex with them. If someone becomes physically unattractive, you may still love them but would no longer desire sex with them, which is what seems to be the issue here.

 

And that is where I have a problem.

 

Sex AND love are one when married. Even when my wife gains weight, I can still be just as turned on when having sex with her because it truly is an expression of love. Sex in a good marriage does not get better or worse based on physical appearances unless the person who is less beautiful than previously, feels less beautiful and lets it affect his or her sexual expression of love. Sex gets better or worse based on the feelings of love a person is feeling towards his/her partner at the time.

 

Even when my wife weighed over 200# while pregnant, I could have sex with her when she was into it. However, when she has been a perfect weight and not enthused about sex, it has been a "chore" to get involved.

 

Sex may be motivated by outward appearances mainly when it is simply a recreational experience between two people, but IME when it is an expression of love as it should be in marriage, then the most important part of sex is not the outward appearance but the inward love that each has for the other.

[frustrated_one]

Frustrated one, I am glad your working out and feeling better already but it seems your husband's love and affection is dependent on your body. And that is what troubles me about your situation.

 

After reading Dr. Harley's book, "His Needs Her Needs" it seems to me that my husband cannot meet my need for sex because I am not meeting his need to have a physically attractive wife.

 

 

 

If I don't have a problem with this, then why should you? Enjoys a fine cigar and liquor. Everything in moderation. While I don't really have any other vices other than liking to eat, he has a few. My husband loves many fine things in life and I'm happy for him.

 

 

 

I don't think so. At the time I kinda couldn't believe it but what was he going to do, not give me any? He was serving all the ladies at our table - he wasn't asking them if they wanted any (what woman would turn brownies and ice cream? I was the only one!) I think he did not want to embarrass me by not giving me any or by making the decision for me.