No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[Mrs.P]

OP,

 

I found this thread last night after Googling "Husband doesn't want sex because of my weight gain". It lead me to this message board and this thread. I read this entire thread from beginning to end last night. And here I am again today for the updates.

 

There are so many similarities between your situation and mine.

 

I want to thank you for opening yourself up, and starting this thread. I have learned a lot already thanks to you. The advice that has been added by all of the other people posting has given me so much to think about.

 

James, your insight and perspective is very much appreciated.

 

I will be avidly following this thread.

[seoa]

I think the weight issue is a cover up for what is really going on in his head. I think that him focusing on your weight deflects the real reason he is not having sex with you.

 

Why did his first wife say he wasn't sexual? She was not overweight.

 

Woman to woman I hate seeing your husband treat you like this, deflecting his own sexual problems and making them your fault.

 

Get IC and find out why you are allowing him to treat you like this!

 

Agree, agree, agree.

 

I really agree....

 

Instead of being aggressive about his "habits" why not tell him what you want. In fact I might put it like this:

 

For the health of our marriage, I am limiting my calories, giving up desert and exercising daily. Does my sacrifice mean something to you? Does it make you feel more loved, more important to me?

 

HE BETTER SAY YES - AFTER HE DOES

 

Good. And I fully intend to stay on track. I also want you to make a sacrifice for me. I want you to only have sexual experiences with me. No more manual relief - let the desire build and then WE will please each other. This is really, really important to me. And if the situation was reversed I would make the effort to please you, even if we were in a situation where for some reason my desire level was lower then yours.

 

Are you willing to do that for me and for the health of our marriage?

 

Also agree... this sounds like a very fair & reasonable approach...

 

I know that he has knocked your confidence, but you need to stop defending his behaviour... He has sexual issues that are not your fault (see above) and you are not helping him deal with them by taking the blame yourself...

[clv0116]

Honestly I'd have a tough time hitting anything I wasn't attracted to too. I don't see that it makes someone a bad person.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Honestly I'd have a tough time hitting anything I wasn't attracted to too. I don't see that it makes someone a bad person.

 

But is he really wrong? FO has to take the bull by the horn and talk to him.

 

Very interesting that Giotto, Mem11363 JamesM & myself are all the same age and are all finding solace in replying to these posts.

 

I understand what should be right, but can't get past that FO has put on significant weight and that to me is why there is no sex.

 

I am sorry to say that I think he is just not turned on. Until she speaks up or we are told otherwise, it is the weight. I don't mean to be callous but that is the Title of this post and many have sugarcoated or pussyfooted around the issue.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[giotto]

it could be, but we can't be sure, and the weight gain could be used to mask other problems. I just find it appalling that he is not supporting her. It's reverse psychology, really... the more he rejects her, the more she is depressed and eats for comfort... very simple and not hard to understand. You see... I don't like "stick women", but if my wife turned into one of them I would not stop having sex with her... I would and I would also help her if there was a problem behind it... this is what marriage is all about, not childish behaviour...

[blair08]

it could be, but we can't be sure, and the weight gain could be used to mask other problems. I just find it appalling that he is not supporting her. It's reverse psychology, really... the more he rejects her, the more she is depressed and eats for comfort... very simple and not hard to understand. You see... I don't like "stick women", but if my wife turned into one of them I would not stop having sex with her... I would and I would also help her if there was a problem behind it... this is what marriage is all about, not childish behaviour...

 

 

I agree with this. I don't get why he is not at least acknowleding the fact that she is putting forth some kind of effort, I mean I would think that counts for something in his eyes. And no I don't mean acknowleding it by saying lets go take a run or walk or whatever. I mean in bit more intimate ways. At least a hug and kiss saying "good job, I'm proud of you for trying", or something, but he isn't even doing that. There seems to be no support or encouragement.

 

I am one to think there MIGHT be another issue going on here besides the weight issue. I did NOT say I know that for sure because we don't, and wont, until or unless he were to tell her its something other than weight or unless she looses alot of weight and he still rejects her. Sio, yeah right now its best to just say weight even thought I think different until proven otherwise.

[JamesM]

Honestly I'd have a tough time hitting anything I wasn't attracted to too. I don't see that it makes someone a bad person.

 

I would, too....if that woman was not my wife. That is the point. When it is the wife we are talking about, then there is more involved than simply seeing a woman who is overweight with nothing more than a knowledge of her physical beauty...and saying I am not attracted to her.

 

 

Very interesting that Giotto, Mem11363 JamesM & myself are all the same age and are all finding solace in replying to these posts.

 

 

Four old lonely men who having (or are experiencing) the hunger of not having enough sex, cannot fathom why a husband would turn away his wife who desperately craves his sexual attentions. And me having a wife who HAS gained weight can say that I am still turned on by her. Maybe looking at her is not as pleasing as it is when she weighs her "perfect" weight, but certainly touching her, looking in her eyes, and seeing the love she has for me...this is more than enough.

 

Perhaps if we old men had plenty of sex, then we would think differently? (Preparing for the next comment). I think not.

 

it could be, but we can't be sure, and the weight gain could be used to mask other problems. I just find it appalling that he is not supporting her. It's reverse psychology, really... the more he rejects her, the more she is depressed and eats for comfort... very simple and not hard to understand. You see... I don't like "stick women", but if my wife turned into one of them I would not stop having sex with her... I would and I would also help her if there was a problem behind it... this is what marriage is all about, not childish behaviour...

 

I agree.

[PandorasBox]

"I don't get why he is not at least acknowledging the fact that she is putting forth some kind of effort. I mean I would think that counts for something in his eyes."

 

Not if he has already checked out of the marriage, And to me that's pretty much how it comes across. Will he "check" back into it if she looses the weight, who knows.

[TinyLee222]

Frustrated One wrote this in one of her posts:

 

 

>>Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

>>Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they ded not have much sex.

 

 

Her hubby admitted to not being a "sexual person" and that he didn't have sex that much with his THIN first wife. As far as her husband and her sex all the time in the beginning I find that he was using that a cover up for a secret or deeper problems. If he was sexual with his thin first wife I would say yeah, he is turned off because of her weight. Don't you think that going 6 weeks without even a blow job when he has a willing and able partner right next to him cries of major dysfunction? I think he is definitely getting it elsewhere. Even if he is repulsed by his wife 6 weeks is a looooong time. So the question is is it porn, another woman or another man?

 

Lee

[PandorasBox]

"So the question is, is it porn, another woman or another man?"

 

 

I have to wonder if maybe this is partly why the OP is afraid to ask her husband about the sex issue and what he may or may not be doing about it for himself. Maybe, she might feel that there is this possibility that it would be one of these things mentioned and maybe she is afraid of what the answer might be if she asked. If that is the case, then she must feel or know there could be more to it than her weight.

[EnigmasMuse]

Frustrated One, when did you start on the diet, or watching what you eat and begin to work out more? I would say if its been in the last week or two, (or longer) or even within the past few days, thats a reasonable amount of time for your husband to give you a pat on the back for it. No one is asking him to do a complete turn around in one day and start praising every move you make, and I'm sure you do not expect that of him either. I hope he can at least say some encouraging words to you, a hug or something. Hopefully he will come around soon, don't give up.

[frustrated_one]

Wow, there have been so many comments since my last post. Here are just some general comments to some of the things I've seen written. I will try to repond to individual posts as I can.

 

FIRST - it's been two weeks since I started eating better and exercising. Tomorrow is my official weigh in - today on the scale I was at 176.5 - that's an 8.5 pound loss since starting.

 

SECOND, please, please understand that MY HUSBAND is NOT an uncaring man. He can and does continue to be sweet to me in many ways. I do feel like he is giving me a few pats on the back. He will encourage me to work out. He bought me a medicine ball yesterday and while he was at the sporting goods store he picked me up a baseball cap that had my alma mater logo.

 

He was very complimentary about dinner and said I should open up my own restaurant.

 

He asked me to go on a walk this morning before he left for the office.

 

On the sad side, last night we slept apart again. I was so uspet that, yet again, it was a night of watching TV but no sex, no snuggling, very little conversation.

 

We were fine during dinner but then afterwards, I don't know. It's like he's afraid I may initiate something so some how tension rises between us. I know part of it is my attitude. I AM TRYING to have a positive frame of mind, to be doing this for myself, yada yada yada, but the reality is the response I want from him is sex.

 

I knocked on the door of the bedroom where he was sleeping just after he left the guest room where I was. I had been crying. He was getting ready for bed and I just kinda opened the door a bit. I looked at him and he was like, "yes?" I wanted to say, "I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss the warmth of your body against mine and feeling you inside me. I miss that intimacy between us, that closeness."

 

But, I couldn't muster up the courage - so I just said, "Nothing. Nite" and I left. I went out the the living room and slept on the sofa and again cried myself to sleep. The sofa is small and is not as lonely as the empty half of the bed.

 

When he saw me this morning on the sofa, he sat next to me and said in a very sweet, innocent way, "Why are you out here on the sofa? Did you sleep here all night? You're so silly." I WANTED to tell him why I was there but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. So I didn't really answer him.

 

I mean you gotta think that when you see your wife sleeping on the sofa when there is a perfectly beautiful guest room where she usually sleeps, something's wrong. GUYS OUT THERE - does he see this? I know that guys don't read into things like women do.

 

RE: Compter/Porn He does not have a computer here that he spends time on. There's one a work but not here. I really do not think he's into porn, another woman or another guy. If anything, I think he has grown used to taking care of himself. At least that's my guess.

[hopeful1980]

First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your weight loss. That's almost 10 pounds! You are doing excellent. Keep up the good work! You'll see a difference in no time.

 

I really wish you would have just told him you missed him. Even if that is all you said. When someone tells you they miss you, it's hard not to respond by getting closer to them ime.

[EnigmasMuse]

Yay! Congrats on the weight loss!

 

Also, its good that buying you a medicine ball and ball cap is his way of encouraging/supporting you, but hopefully at some point he can find it in him to show you in other ways as well. A touch, kiss, hug or something.

[JamesM]

FIRST - it's been two weeks since I started eating better and exercising. Tomorrow is my official weigh in - today on the scale I was at 176.5 - that's an 8.5 pound loss since starting.

 

Congratulations! Don't give up hope that this is the problem between the two of you. Weight loss is good for your health and your attitude anyhow.

 

SECOND, please, please understand that MY HUSBAND is NOT an uncaring man. He can and does continue to be sweet to me in many ways. I do feel like he is giving me a few pats on the back.

 

I think he is a very good friend and companion. However, you two are lacking something, and (using my own experiences), it is that intimate connection that allows you to freely communicate. When marriages have a "white elephant," then it affects every other area to a degree. My wife and I have that elephant in our living room, too, and we both shy away from certain conversations and thoughts as we are afraid where it may go. Even little joking comments by me can be taken as a jab about our lack of sex...even when I don't mean it

 

On the sad side, last night we slept apart again. I was so upset that, yet again, it was a night of watching TV but no sex, no snuggling, very little conversation.

 

I feel for you. And yes, I understand your sadness.

 

That "elephant" has been in our living room for a few years. I am thinking of naming him (or is it a her?) How else can we deal with such a problem except by interjecting some humor once in awhile?

 

the reality is the response I want from him is sex.

 

Does he cuddle or hug or kiss at all? Does he physically touch or maybe even put his arm around you?

 

But, I couldn't muster up the courage - so I just said, "Nothing. Nite" and I left. I went out the the living room and slept on the sofa and again cried myself to sleep. The sofa is small and is not as lonely as the empty half of the bed.

 

 

I WANTED to tell him why I was there but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. So I didn't really answer him.

 

Unfortunately, if YOU don't talk about it, then it won't get talked about. If he truly has no interest in sex...or even sex with you at this point, he will NOT bring it up.

 

MY guess is that he does not like controversy with his wife.

 

 

I mean you gotta think that when you see your wife sleeping on the sofa when there is a perfectly beautiful guest room where she usually sleeps, something's wrong.

 

Actually, you would think that when your wife sleeps in the GUEST bedroom, then he would realize that there is a problem. As a Christian, he should know that the Bible is very clear that men should love their wives. This goes beyond simply being a companion and friend.

 

And FWIW, no, guys don't always make the connection. On the other hand, guys don't WANT to make the connection either.

 

My wife tends to act ignorant of my implied requests, too. Yet she is so quick to pick up on other things that I know she knows what I mean/meant.

 

If anything, I think he has grown used to taking care of himself. At least that's my guess.

 

I tend to find this really hard to believe. That can be exciting only so long without a real person or porn. And if it is another MAN, then that would even better explain why he can be so close to a live seductive woman and not respond.

 

Does he have any cell phone of his own that you never see the bill? Does he ever have times in his day that you don't know where he is? Does he have the ability to "hide" money so that he can engage in prostitution or go to massage parlors? Does he have a credit card that only he has access to?

 

Going back to your first post, the comment that he made to you regarding him not having much sex with his first wife because he is not very sexual can mean a couple of things....

 

1. He is not very sexual. Possible. (Can you ask the first woman?)

 

2. He is not interested in women. He gets turned on by men.

 

3. He needs porn to be turned on and needs the perfect body to get turned on. Perhaps he needs to watch women rather than spend the time catering to their needs.

 

4. He enjoys prostitution and massage parlors as the secret life excites him. And this provides him with variety that no one woman can give. While the two of you first dated and were first married, you WERE new and exciting. Perhaps he thought he had conquered the need for variety, or perhaps he knew eventually he would need the variety again. So he prepared you with the comment about not being sexual.

 

 

I am well aware that you do not think he could do this for many reasons. While I understand how you think his being a Christian would keep him from such a life, I am willing to guess that you can read many stories of men who hid such a life while being known as an upright Christian.

 

 

BTW, I can't remember if you answered....do you know if he has any physical response to you at all?

 

This may be entirely about your weight, but IMO I find it very difficult to believe. Please understand that being in a similar situation (except my wife does hug and kiss), I can feel the same frustration, sadness and pain as I read your posts.

[blair08]

"He is not very sexual. Possible. (Can you ask the first woman?")

 

You know I had thought of this earlier. Guess James was kind of thinking the same thing.

 

I had meant to mention earlier if you knew his first wife, and if so could you possibly speak to her. I know that may not matter or maybe you could care less but I just thought maybe if you knew her or could speak to her she might could help shed a little light on how he used to be with her and see if there is any resemblance to whats going on with you all now. Has he ever said what the reason was for his divorce from his first wife?

[JamesM]

 

Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex.

 

To go back and quote you.....was it a MARRIAGE? And as blair asked, why did the relationship end?

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow, there have been so many comments since my last post. Here are just some general comments to some of the things I've seen written. I will try to repond to individual posts as I can.

 

FIRST - it's been two weeks since I started eating better and exercising. Tomorrow is my official weigh in - today on the scale I was at 176.5 - that's an 8.5 pound loss since starting.

 

SECOND, please, please understand that MY HUSBAND is NOT an uncaring man. He can and does continue to be sweet to me in many ways. I do feel like he is giving me a few pats on the back. He will encourage me to work out. He bought me a medicine ball yesterday and while he was at the sporting goods store he picked me up a baseball cap that had my alma mater logo.

 

As others have said, this is two separate problems and therefore the solutions may be based on two separate sets of goals - what you want for yourself and what you want for your marriage.

 

I also congratulate you on your progress toward your goal of losing weight. Remember, fitness and weight loss are not a sprint but more of a marathon. You should feel good about what you've achieved so far regardless of the feedback from your husband...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frustrated_one]

Yes, we are lacking that "intimate connection" as you call it. I feel like a companion or good friend. I feel like in some ways the "couple" image we project to the world is somewhat of a lie - it's not a complete relationship.

 

You're right - we do have an elephant in the bedroom, as opposed to the living room!

 

RE: Cuddle, hug, kiss at all? No, not really. He holds my had when we are in the car driving (he's done that since we dated). He will give me a peck on the lips when he leaves to go to the office or when he comes home. I usually will get a peck when he goes off to bed.

 

I think I posted about our one, recent, meaningful hug. I think it was last Friday. We were in the kitchen getting ready to go to bed - he pulled me to him and he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. It lasted less than a minute but that was the first time in years that I can even remember being embraced in his arms in an intimate way.

 

Forget long, passionate, frenching kisses - probably the last time we had sex.

 

RE: Joking about sex. Last week when I was sore, I asked him to massage me. I said, "Lord knows I'll take any excuse to get your hands on me." No response from him.

 

You are right that he does not like conflict or controversy. I'm sure we're like every couple who has faced this issue. We haved talked. I have cried. I have opened up my heart to him and he me, when it comes to my weight. It's all been said. So I guess that's why like I feel if I bring it up it's that "she's nagging me for sex" response from him.

 

I have sent him the Bible verses that talk about husbands and wives not foresaking the other - that once you are married, your body is not your own but that of the spouse. In fact, the last time we had sex, that was what guilted him into it I guess. I emailed him a link I found online.

 

RE: No sleeping together - see, that's "my fault" - we slept together (still no sex) until he really started making an issue of my snoring and how he couldn't get a good night's sleep. So like a good wife concerned about her husband, off I went to sleep in the guest room. It was really somewhat embarrassing when my mom and sister and her family came for a visit just a few weeks ago. I slept with him the first night as all the beds were taken. Ah, but he got no sleep. So the next night (and for the rest of their stay) I slept on the sofa.

 

When my sister and I had a long heart-to-heart, she brought it up. She said, "No matter how bad my snoring might keep my husband up, I'll tell you what, there is NO WAY he would have me sleeping on the sofa while my family was in town for a few days. It's like a place of shame having your wife sleep on the sofa while her family is here."

 

RE: Taking care of himself. I am not a man so I don't know. He does not look at "girlie" magazines. On his lunch hour he reads books to further his knowledge of the Bible (that's what he tells me. He goes to the park and he reads. He is) His cell phone is on my plan and I can review all the calls [i don't but I can]. Same thing for our bank accounts and credit cards - I have access to everything online. I don't review things but I certainly could. I pretty much know where he is all the time.

 

We are not a TV movie couple who lives some exciting life. He goes to work, takes lunch, works, comes home, we go to church, maybe out to dinner a time or two each week and then on weekends, we're together alot. We watch sports together or go to wine tastings, wineries, a drive in the country, etc. He doesn't barracade himself in the computer room. The things he reads in his bathroom are things like the Washington Times or some weekly political papers.

 

RE: His previous wife/relationship.

 

He was married - it was very brief. He wanted to call it off but his overbearing father wouldn't hear of it. They were seperated within six months but it took a couple of years for the divorce to go thru because she was a real piece of work. I do not know anything about their physical relationship.

 

I met him while they were seperated, however, we did not get together until a year or two later, she was out of the picture.

 

He and I dated off and an for three years - long distance. I was away getting my masters. We would see each other when I came home but it was casual (no sex). He wanted to marry me but I was young and wanted to live on the coast where I had gone to school. He wanted to stay in our home state. He proposed, I said no and that was that. We never had sex but were still intimate (second/third base).

 

After our split, he started dating a woman for 10 years. He told her from the outside he would not marry her. From what I understand, she was a wall flower. His parents always thought he could do better. She was nice but kinda mousey. They never lived together. I have no access to her nor would I want any. Whatever I know about their relationship has come from him, his friends and his mom.

 

RE: Being a Christian - I know there are plenty of us who get into trouble (look at Gov. Mark Sanford) but I am telling you there is just NO WAY my husband is into men, prostitutes, massage parlors, etc. Just no way.

 

My husband is one of those very rare (it would seem) men who has principles that he actually lives by. Honor is very important to him. Being truthful is as well (which is why when we have talked about our problem, he has been very forth coming.) He loves thinking of himself as a compleat gentleman - and even has a book entitled as such.

 

He does not lie, he's (quite frankly) too honest. That's why he won't give me any compliments. If he doesn't think I look nice, he won't just say it.

 

RE: any physical response to me at all. Are you talking about sexually? On Halloween, when I reached for his crotch, he said, "What are you doing?" and pushed me away. We were at a friend's house but no one was around and I thought he might find it a little naughty and daring. Guess not.

 

The last time we had intercourse, he did have a physical response. He is a very attentive lover - he did oral first and then we had intercourse. It was great - he made me cry. It was missionary style. Every now and again I will climb aboard and take the top position which I love to do. (Even thinking about it now gets me a bit hot). He seemed satisfied but I had caught him in the morning so he rushed off to get ready for work so there was no snuggling afterwards or falling asleep in each others arms.

 

I know you are the male me, and understand what I am going thru. You just don't have any "reason" which, I must say, has got to be so much more difficult. At least "I know" I am the problem according to him.

[frustrated_one]

I do not have access to those women.

 

See my reponse to James M on the subject of his past relationships.

 

"He is not very sexual. Possible. (Can you ask the first woman?")

 

You know I had thought of this earlier. Guess James was kind of thinking the same thing.

 

I had meant to mention earlier if you knew his first wife, and if so could you possibly speak to her. I know that may not matter or maybe you could care less but I just thought maybe if you knew her or could speak to her she might could help shed a little light on how he used to be with her and see if there is any resemblance to whats going on with you all now. Has he ever said what the reason was for his divorce from his first wife?

[JackJack]

Please do not be afraid to ask your husband what he is doing or not doing for sex these days. If you do not want to ask him like that, then at least put it in away that gets your point across and lets him know you really want to have sex and be close with him, and you are wondering if its just your weight that is an issue with him. Ask him. Yes, you're correct, it could go lots of ways. He either tells you (its either the truth or not) or he doesn't tell you at all.

 

You have stated he is a honest person. AND, That there is NO WAY he is into girlie magazines, massage parlors, other women or men. So looks like those things have been ruled out according to you. So there for if he truly is turned off by your weight and weight only he should be able to as least tell you this. Of course actions speak louder than words but that doesn't mean its the only reason.

[TinyLee222]

Yes, we are lacking that "intimate >>connection" as you call it. I feel like a companion or good friend. I feel like in some ways the "couple" image we project to the world is somewhat of a lie - it's not a complete relationship.

 

It must be terrible and unsettleing to live this lie...

 

 

>>RE: Cuddle, hug, kiss at all? No, not really. He holds my had when we are in the car driving (he's done that since we dated). He will give me a peck on the lips when he leaves to go to the office or when he comes home. I usually will get a peck when he goes off to bed.

 

Just the basic minimun to keep you quiet. He probably saw his

parents doing this.

 

>I think I posted about our one, recent, meaningful hug. I think it was last Friday. We were in the kitchen getting ready to go to bed - he pulled me to him and he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. It lasted less than a minute but that was the first time in years that I can even remember being embraced in his arms in an intimate way.

 

You must have felt wanted and loved..

 

 

 

>>RE: Joking about sex. Last week when I was sore, I asked him to massage me. I said, "Lord knows I'll take any excuse to get your hands on me." No response from him.

 

So I take it he didn't give you a massge. He was worried it would

lead to sex. Your statement I guarentee really pissed him off.

 

>>You are right that he does not like conflict or controversy. I'm sure we're like every couple who has faced this issue. We haved talked. I have cried. I have opened up my heart to him and he me, when it comes to my weight. It's all been said. So I guess that's why like I feel if I bring it up it's that "she's nagging me for sex" response from him.

 

He doesn't like conflict or controversy because he can't come clean.

with what his real problem is. Remember it's NOT YOU. It is not your

fault.

 

>>I have sent him the Bible verses that talk about husbands and wives not foresaking the other - that once you are married, your body is not your own but that of the spouse. In fact, the last time we had sex, that was what guilted him into it I guess. I emailed him a link I found online.

 

For some mixing religion and sex is a no no. I think the bible should

be kept out of the bedroom but that's my opinion.

 

>RE: No sleeping together - see, that's "my fault" - we slept together (still no sex) until he really started making an issue of my snoring and how he couldn't get a good night's sleep. So like a good wife concerned about her husband, off I went to sleep in the guest room. It was really somewhat embarrassing when my mom and sister and her family came for a visit just a few weeks ago. I slept with him the first night as all the beds were taken. Ah, but he got no sleep. So the next night (and for the rest of their stay) I slept on the sofa.

 

Why should you have to resort to sleeping in the guest room? If he

can't take your snoring let him move in there. You must have been

mortified in front of your family.

 

>When my sister and I had a long heart-to-heart, she brought it up. She said, "No matter how bad my snoring might keep my husband up, I'll tell you what, there is NO WAY he would have me sleeping on the sofa while my family was in town for a few days. It's like a place of shame having your wife sleep on the sofa while her family is here."

 

I agree and I think your sister is right on.

 

>RE: Taking care of himself. I am not a man so I don't know. He does not look at "girlie" magazines. On his lunch hour he reads books to further his knowledge of the Bible (that's what he tells me. He goes to the park and he reads. He is) His cell phone is on my plan and I can review all the calls [i don't but I can]. Same thing for our bank accounts and credit cards - I have access to everything online. I don't review things but I certainly could. I pretty much know where he is all the time.

 

Oh Boy, I am sorry Frustrated One, you want to believe this so bad.

I am sure this is so painful for you. Please don't dismiss him looking

at porn or having an affair. He goes to the Park to read his bible on his lunch hour? OMG, I would be so suspicious of this statement. Does

he really want you to believe this? The huband who drinks and smokes

cigars on your walks? I also doubt you know where he is all the time.

Alot can go on at work or in the park while reading the bible.

I would highly recommend you go through those phone, credit card

and bank records. Why don't you review them? I have no reason

to suspect my husband of anything but I review every month all cell

phone, bank account and credit card bills.

 

>We are not a TV movie couple who lives some exciting life. He goes to work, takes lunch, works, comes home, we go to church, maybe out to dinner a time or two each week and then on weekends, we're together alot. We watch sports together or go to wine tastings, wineries, a drive in the country, etc. He doesn't barracade himself in the computer room. The things he reads in his bathroom are things like the Washington Times or some weekly political papers.

 

Sounds like things that my husband I do. We aren't leading an exciting

life either. But we have other friends and other interests beside each

other.

 

RE: His previous wife/relationship.

 

>>He was married - it was very brief. He wanted to call it off but his overbearing father wouldn't hear of it. They were seperated within six months but it took a couple of years for the divorce to go thru because she was a real piece of work. I do not know anything about their physical relationship.

 

Sounds as though he didn't love her but was pressured by his father.

That's so sad...

 

>I met him while they were seperated, however, we did not get together until a year or two later, she was out of the picture.

 

>He and I dated off and an for three years - long distance. I was away getting my masters. We would see each other when I came home but it was casual (no sex). He wanted to marry me but I was young and wanted to live on the coast where I had gone to school. He wanted to stay in our home state. He proposed, I said no and that was that. We never had sex but were still intimate (second/third base).

 

Hmmm, three years dating and no sex? That's a red flag to me unless

it was you that didn't want it.

 

>After our split, he started dating a woman for 10 years. He told her from the outside he would not marry her. From what I understand, she was a wall flower. His parents always thought he could do better. She was nice but kinda mousey. They never lived together. I have no access to her nor would I want any. Whatever I know about their relationship has come from him, his friends and his mom.

 

I can understand you not wanting to speak to her. Too bad you dont

know the whole story...

 

>>RE: Being a Christian - I know there are plenty of us who get into trouble (look at Gov. Mark Sanford) but I am telling you there is just NO WAY my husband is into men, prostitutes, massage parlors, etc. Just no way.

 

Again you just dont know that for sure. I bet Mark Sanford's wife

had no idea either. Look, wouldn't it be to your advantage to at

least rule those things out? Then you would know what you are

dealing with and if you want to stay in this marriage.

 

>My husband is one of those very rare (it would seem) men who has principles that he actually lives by. Honor is very important to him. Being truthful is as well (which is why when we have talked about our problem, he has been very forth coming.) He loves thinking of himself as a compleat gentleman - and even has a book entitled as such.

 

Actually he is not living by his marriage vows. I am glad he loves thinking

of himself as a complete gentleman. He is acting terribly passive

aggressive and mean to you. Why do you stick up for him?

 

>>He does not lie, he's (quite frankly) too honest. That's why he won't give me any compliments. If he doesn't think I look nice, he won't just say it.

 

Oh boy, everyone lies...

 

>>RE: any physical response to me at all. Are you talking about sexually? On Halloween, when I reached for his crotch, he said, "What are you doing?" and pushed me away. We were at a friend's house but no one was around and I thought he might find it a little naughty and daring. Guess not.

 

Red Flag, Red Flag, Even if he is bothered by your weight, this playful

crotch grabbing shouldn't have caused such a reaction in him!!

 

>The last time we had intercourse, he did have a physical response. He is a very attentive lover - he did oral first and then we had intercourse. It was great - he made me cry. It was missionary style. Every now and again I will climb aboard and take the top position which I love to do. (Even thinking about it now gets me a bit hot). He seemed satisfied but I had caught him in the morning so he rushed off to get ready for work so there was no snuggling afterwards or falling asleep in each others arms.

 

Well that sounds promising. Sometimes the best sex is quick sex

 

>>I know you are the male me, and understand what I am going thru. You just don't have any "reason" which, I must say, has got to be so much more difficult. At least "I know" I am the problem according to him.

 

 

I know I am coming across as jaded and cynical. I just don't know why

you are sticking up for him. Please don't blame yourself for his

dysfunction. Him pushing you away is such an insult. You are worth more

than that. Have you thought about IC? Do it for yourself! You deserve it.

 

Lee

[mem11363]

FO,

 

Until you learn what his current sexual routine is - you are less likely to understand when things may improve.

 

As transparent as most of us are we all have our limits, myself included. I have a couple comments/suggestions that I would make via pm - if you had that feature enabled.

 

 

 

 

Please do not be afraid to ask your husband what he is doing or not doing for sex these days. If you do not want to ask him like that, then at least put it in away that gets your point across and lets him know you really want to have sex and be close with him, and you are wondering if its just your weight that is an issue with him. Ask him. Yes, you're correct, it could go lots of ways. He either tells you (its either the truth or not) or he doesn't tell you at all.

 

You have stated he is a honest person. AND, That there is NO WAY he is into girlie magazines, massage parlors, other women or men. So looks like those things have been ruled out according to you. So there for if he truly is turned off by your weight and weight only he should be able to as least tell you this. Of course actions speak louder than words but that doesn't mean its the only reason.

[frustrated_one]

I think what bothers me most about this entire situation is what JamesM has said in previous posts.

 

When you are not in a relationship, your attraction is based only on sex. Once you are in a relationship, the "whole package" is taken into consideration, or at least it should be.

 

So I feel pretty objectified, you know? I'm not the sum total of the parts, I'm just the body. It seems so superficial. I know, I know men are visual, but it's like when you develop a relationship over the phone. The person seems so wonderful without seeing the package and then, when you see what they look like, you can be turned off.

 

I have been doing some reading online and two things piqued my interest:

1) Male menopause - they say men my husbands age who are not interested in sex may be experiencing menopause. They have normal levels of testosterone but their bodies do not respond in normal fashion. Hormone therapy is effective in treating low sex drive in male menopause.

 

2) I have read that there is an emotional aspect of sex for men - it's not all physical. They say if a husband is angry or feels belittled, constantly criticized or hen pecked that it can impact his sex drive.

 

So I thought, well, if he is angry with my because of my weight gain, then this may help to explain. The other aspect, which I must honestly look at is his perception of my behavior.

 

Several weeks ago we were driving and an issue came up and we got into a fight. At one point my cell phone rang and I picked it up to see who was calling and then I took the call. I turned off the CD playing, as I didn't want to compete with it and also he loves music and he would not like it that I was talking over it. Well, that set him off!

 

When I got off the phone he was furious. He said there was always something more important than him. Anytime my phone rings I HAVE to answer it and WHEN was HE going to be a priority (now remember, we were in the car going to get a pizza because HE wanted one.)

 

I challenged him on this. I mean really, answering the cell phone and stopping his CD in his car was being disrespectful? Meant that he wasn't important? Meant that he wasn't a priority? When things settled down I asked him about the statement. I told him to please give me examples of things I do that communicate this to him. He would not. Later when we got home he apologzied and said he shouldn't have lost his temper.

 

But you know, I think back to that and wonder if somehow this is tied into these feelings he has that has made him not want to have sex with me. I have a very strong personality. He loved that about me. He loved the challenge and how I would "fight" him and not give in. When I am on the computer and he is around, he says I make him feel unimportant. He wants my undivided attention.

 

Has that positive thing he loved about me now turned around to become a negative? I try not to be bossy. I try to be respectful but I obviously see things from my perspective. I turned off the CD because I didn't want to talk over it and for him to miss it.

 

I wish I had the answers.

 

Please do not be afraid to ask your husband what he is doing or not doing for sex these days. If you do not want to ask him like that, then at least put it in away that gets your point across and lets him know you really want to have sex and be close with him, and you are wondering if its just your weight that is an issue with him. Ask him. Yes, you're correct, it could go lots of ways. He either tells you (its either the truth or not) or he doesn't tell you at all.

 

You have stated he is a honest person. AND, That there is NO WAY he is into girlie magazines, massage parlors, other women or men. So looks like those things have been ruled out according to you. So there for if he truly is turned off by your weight and weight only he should be able to as least tell you this. Of course actions speak louder than words but that doesn't mean its the only reason.

[frustrated_one]

I added you to my contact list. I think you'll be able to PM me that way.

 

FO,

 

Until you learn what his current sexual routine is - you are less likely to understand when things may improve.

 

As transparent as most of us are we all have our limits, myself included. I have a couple comments/suggestions that I would make via pm - if you had that feature enabled.