No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[JackJack]

"That's why I brought the topic up in our convo. JJ - are you a guy?"

 

 

Yep, Jack is usually a guys name. You can usually click on a persons name and find out as well. That is if they have it listed.

 

The only thing I know to tell you, is to keep exercising, and eating healthy for yourself. Once you lose some more weight, if things are still the same with your husband and he is still treating you the same and there is still no sex, etc, then you might want to dig deeper to see whats really going on with him. Good Luck.

[mem11363]

TL and SS were in totally different situations. Their husbands did not like them the way they started out. In contrast your husband fell in love with you the way you started out.

 

Their husbands wanted them to have breast/other surgery - yours wants you to eat healthy and exercise.

 

No comparison at all between your man and their men. And in fact SS was married to a guy didn't work didn't love her, didn't want to have sex with her, constantly critiqued her. He was a total nightmare. He did not love her. Your husband loves you. He may be flawed in some ways - as we all are - but he is an overall great guy and he wants to have a happy marriage and he wants you to be happy.

 

Once in a while my wife asks me if I think she should have plastic surgery of one sort or another. Breasts, face, veins in her legs, etc, etc. I always say exactly the same thing. You are beautiful and I love you and love looking at you. I am opposed to cosmetic surgery and you do not need it. However it is your body and ultimately you have the final say.

 

I just think you are being given totally invalid comparisons to work with.

 

"That's why I brought the topic up in our convo. JJ - are you a guy?"

 

 

Yep, Jack is usually a guys name. You can usually click on a persons name and find out as well. That is if they have it listed.

 

The only thing I know to tell you, is to keep exercising, and eating healthy for yourself. Once you lose some more weight, if things are still the same with your husband and he is still treating you the same and there is still no sex, etc, then you might want to dig deeper to see whats really going on with him. Good Luck.

[giotto]

he likes her body, not her soul...

[clv0116]

he likes her body, not her soul...

 

I'm willing to entertain the possible notion that he might like both. Call me a crazy fool.

[mem11363]

FO's husband likes sex. They had plenty until the problem. He has been doing without since. That is not fun for him either. He seems totally committed to the marriage - and that is because he LOVES HER, otherwise he would have ended it.

 

 

 

I'm willing to entertain the possible notion that he might like both. Call me a crazy fool.

[clv0116]

FO's husband likes sex. They had plenty until the problem. He has been doing without since. That is not fun for him either. He seems totally committed to the marriage - and that is because he LOVES HER, otherwise he would have ended it.

 

Perfectly put. If he was really just about sex he'd be long gone - he loves his wife.

[soserious1]

TL and SS were in totally different situations. Their husbands did not like them the way they started out. In contrast your husband fell in love with you the way you started out.

 

Their husbands wanted them to have breast/other surgery - yours wants you to eat healthy and exercise.

 

No comparison at all between your man and their men. And in fact SS was married to a guy didn't work didn't love her, didn't want to have sex with her, constantly critiqued her. He was a total nightmare. He did not love her. Your husband loves you. He may be flawed in some ways - as we all are - but he is an overall great guy and he wants to have a happy marriage and he wants you to be happy.

 

Once in a while my wife asks me if I think she should have plastic surgery of one sort or another. Breasts, face, veins in her legs, etc, etc. I always say exactly the same thing. You are beautiful and I love you and love looking at you. I am opposed to cosmetic surgery and you do not need it. However it is your body and ultimately you have the final say.

 

I just think you are being given totally invalid comparisons to work with.

 

I disagree Mem, do I believe that my ex was anti-social enough to marry me knowing he didn't find me attractive and didn't love me, that he married me with the sole intent of using me? No, because as neatly as that would explain what happened it's too pat, too easy.

 

What I do believe is that my Ex, like the OP's husband had low sexual drive and other issues that predated our relationship by many years. Focusing his attentions on what he felt were my physical imperfections was a neat way to by pass discussing or dealing honestly with any of this.

 

The OP and her husband had a fairly average sexual life at the beginning of the relationship, to go from that to her literally having to beg for it, given his past relationship history of low sexual drive and the fact that he denies porn use, self pleasure or an affair? Her weight is clearly an issue but I doubt it's the only issue, now that the newness has worn off the relationship I suspect the OP would be experiencing a real drop off in sex with this guy even if she weighed 120 pounds.

[clv0116]

... weight is clearly an issue but I doubt it's the only issue, now that the newness has worn off the relationship I suspect the OP would be experiencing a real drop off in sex with this guy even if she weighed 120 pounds.

 

Maybe, but that's just a guess. The fact is that what she's doing is the best thing whether you are right or not. It's good for her to drop the lard, and after that she can see clearly what is what. It's not like she's painting herself into a corner here.

[soserious1]

Maybe, but that's just a guess. The fact is that what she's doing is the best thing whether you are right or not. It's good for her to drop the lard, and after that she can see clearly what is what. It's not like she's painting herself into a corner here.

 

Listen, I have no qualms in agreeing with you that she should lose the weight for all sorts of reasons. However, once you're to the point that you're groveling and begging to be allowed to give a man a BJ and you're being turned down repeatedly, well it's pretty much damn near impossible to recover from that. I can tell you that had I been able to go out and have a tummy tuck and get my breasts augmented, even if my ex had started panting at the sight of me, all that would be echoing thru my mind

was the repeated rejections.. besides, if a person has a low sexual drive or other sexual interests that don't include their spouse and they can't/won't honestly address that, it'll only be a matter of time before there's something else wrong again that keeps them from being sexual with their partner.

[cheergirl]

I don't understand. She said she had surgeries that have contributed to the weight loss. Her husband is certainly not a victim. He may be an innocent bystandard, but not a victim.

 

And he's contributing to her not being motivated to lose the weight by rejecting her. It's a vicious cycle and when a person feels like they won't be loved unless they look a certain way, it only creates more depression which turns into more overeating.

 

Her husband may not be able to control his sexual attraction to her, but he can control the way he treats her. He can show her love regardless and help her in a loving way.

 

I'm glad I didn't marry a man like this. I've gained at least 40 pounds since I've been married and my husband still finds me sexy. He loves me, not a number on a scale. Any fool can have a trophy wife, but a real man wants a trophy marriage. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

 

Is this real? I can't believe you're blaming the husband...It's not a number on a scale, maybe it's just the way her body was before turned him on in addition to all her other great traits. Maybe he's not attracted to fat women... Maybe if he was he would have married one...

If my husband gained 40 lbs after we got married i would find it difficult/impossible to have sex w/him...Part of my attraction to him in the first place was that he takes care of himself...If he just let that all slip away I would be sooo hurt and disappointed...

On the other hand, he likes me the way i am and if i gained 40lbs. i am certain we wouldn't be having sex...He wouldn't be attracted to me sexually... Does that make either of us shallow? I don't think so... We have to be honest w/ourselves and our partners. if he doesn't find you sexy now, lose weight, for him, for yourself, for your marriage and sex life... Don't get bitter and angry at him, take responsiblity, control of yourself... You're not happy so change it, only you can...

[cheergirl]

Sorry, but I have to side with the H (and mem) on this one. Even though I’ve never been married, I’ve always felt like women get married and/or have kids and definitely pull the “bait and switch” on their H. Absolutely unacceptable in my book. I think it’s a woman’s duty to be the “trophy wife” always, to maintain whatever it is that her H finds physically attractive when they met and/or married. I don’t mean to sound hurtful, but can you really blame HIM if HE’s not attracted to fat women. And then you say you guilt him into having sex, but you won’t do anything to make him WANT to have sex with you. 50lbs in 4yrs and you have a gym in your home and you said he will support you…C’mon, I’d be pissed too. It seems like YOU don’t care how HE feels. Sure, it’d be nice if “the inside” of a person was all that matters, but that’s not reality. You say you’re miserable. You’re going to be more miserable when goes out and cheats on you which he will eventually do (whether planned or opportunistic) because of it…I just don’t understand why women do this. To be a “trophy wife” is a compliment to me and my H/SO both inside and outside the home. I consider it to be a top priority. I don’t understand why more women don’t.

 

AMEN!!! I'll be damned if I'm gonna let myself go for anyone...My man is always proud of me and he loves the fact that I look good... He loves it, and I love that he loves it..Is it hard? Yes, do I just eat whatever I want? "Hell, no!" It's just that it's important enough to ME, my own sense of myself to put my best foot forward everyday... Enough excuses... A trophy is something held in high esteem, something he is proud of, what's wrong w/that? He wants to feel proud of you in front of other men...can he do that now? You would feel much better about yourself if he did... that's the truth, I am sure of it...

[soserious1]

Is this real? I can't believe you're blaming the husband...It's not a number on a scale, maybe it's just the way her body was before turned him on in addition to all her other great traits. Maybe he's not attracted to fat women... Maybe if he was he would have married one...

If my husband gained 40 lbs after we got married i would find it difficult/impossible to have sex w/him...Part of my attraction to him in the first place was that he takes care of himself...If he just let that all slip away I would be sooo hurt and disappointed...

On the other hand, he likes me the way i am and if i gained 40lbs. i am certain we wouldn't be having sex...He wouldn't be attracted to me sexually... Does that make either of us shallow? I don't think so... We have to be honest w/ourselves and our partners. if he doesn't find you sexy now, lose weight, for him, for yourself, for your marriage and sex life... Don't get bitter and angry at him, take responsiblity, control of yourself... You're not happy so change it, only you can...

 

So cheergirl as pro-man as you are you're asking us to believe that you wouldn't have any sex at all with your husband if he gained 40 pounds? You'd listen with stone cold eyes as he begged you for intimacy? I find that hard to believe. I do think it would be more likely that while your sexual life would decrease and that you would be vocal in addressing the issue of his weight, that you would still from time to time not reject his requests for intimacy, even if it involved you only servicing him orally.

 

As to the OP's husband, I do believe she says his last relationship was with a woman smaller than she was at the beginning of their marriage... and that he admits to low drive within that relationship.

 

I agree that the OP should lose weight but I suspect that she'd have faced this situation at this point in her marriage no matter how little she weighed. Some men suffer from sexual desire/function problems that seem to disappear when they're in a new relationship, once the bloom is off the rose so to speak, the low desire and other issues come right back.

 

I also don't know frankly how a person can set aside their memories of sleeping on the sofa or in the guest room, of being rejected nicely and not so nicely time and time again and come booming right back into a sizzling sexual life once the sexually refusing spouse decides they want to be sexual again, I think these things reach a point of no return. She should lose the weight and get in shape but she should also understand that at this point she might well be doing so for her own health... and for her next relationship, cause IMHO,once you're begging somebody for sex.. it's all over but the crying.

Edited November 16, 2009 by soserious1

[cheergirl]

So cheergirl as pro-man as you are you're asking us to believe that you wouldn't have any sex at all with your husband if he gained 40 pounds? You'd listen with stone cold eyes as he begged you for intimacy? I find that hard to believe. I do think it would be more likely that while your sexual life would decrease and that you would be vocal in addressing the issue of his weight, that you would still from time to time not reject his requests for intimacy, even if it involved you only servicing him orally.

 

"Pro-man":confused:? As opposed to anti-man? (Is that meant to be sarcastic?) Guilty! I'm pro my man, pro myself, but still pro-men and pro-women in general...

I cannot imagine my man gaining 30-50 lbs. He's a conscientious, disciplined, person..I love that about him...If he were to suddenly or even over the course of the next 4yrs get fatter and fatter I would have a HUGE problem with it....That's a lot of weight! We're not talking 10 or 15 lbs. here...

I am going to be brutally honest, my fella 50 lbs overwight would be fat and gross and the idea of having sex w/him would make me feel sick..seriously:sick:As for servicing him orally:eek:; could one even find it? As for him begging me for sex, that would be even more of a turn-off than the weight.... My eyes would not be stone cold but the response would be the same, "Sorry, can't happen..." Oh, unless i was paralytically drunk...That's the truth...And guess what? He'd feel exactly the same...

Now just so you are aware that I can find big guys attractive, I had a fling w/extremely sexy, very big guy. He was hot, and the fact that he was very heavy was completely inconsequential.... He was very confident, very hot, beautiful actually:love:...

Now the point is; HE WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I MET HIM!!!!

So it was fine, no surprises. the crux of the matter w/this couple is: he married her one way, and she morphed into something else...something preventable... If she was fat when he married her and he liked her that way and she slimmed down to the point he no longer found her attractive, it's no good coming on this forum crying about it. He liked you the way you were. People don't have a lot of control over what turns them on. Some folks like fat partners, some like thin, to each his own... I just think if you're married you owe it to your spouse to do the most you can to stay reasonably in shape, that's all...

There are so many tangentent this has gone off on... Her husband seems like a good guy. She should just try to fix this one thing and then take it from there...Good luck! (Maybe a bit less time online? More time walking?maybe?)

[giotto]

people who withhold sex from the spouse because of weight gain are, in my opinion, incredibly shallow and should not be in a relationship...

[frustrated_one]

Once again, thanks to everyone who has weighed in (no pun intended ) on my situation. As the sheer number of messages on this thread indicates, it's a subject we can all relate to or have an opinion about.

 

So the story continues because yesterday afternoon my husband and I had a very long conversation about all of this. We were sitting by the fireplace and the topic of Christmas presents came up. I told him that I wanted the same thing I asked for last year - sex at least once a week every week. Well, that led to a great converstation that lasted several hours.

 

First, I point blanked asked him since we only have sex like once every couple of months, WHAT is HE doing to relieve himself? He looked at me and without hesitation said, "NOTHING." He went on to say that with being married, he doesn't think taking care of himself is right. That his desire should be fulfilled by me.

 

Second, I asked him ideally, how often would HE like to have sex with ME (if the physical attraction aspect was taken care of). He said 2-3 times a week. To me, that says there is not a low sex drive - so that topic is now off the table.

 

Third, HE asked me how I would feel if I asked him for three years to bring me flowers every now and again or to send me a pajama gram and he never did? He equates him asking me to work out and eat healthy as the same thing as me wanting flowers every now and again or wanting to snuggle in bed.

 

I told him that for the last couple of years while I have tired and failed to lose the weight, I would exercise when he wasn't around. I honestly did not want to reinforce behavior from him that was not acceptable. I said I am not the only woman who feels like you not having sex with me because of my weight is very shallow. It's one thing not to bring me flowers - it's an entirely different thing to want to control the way your spouse looks. That is SO very personal and goes right to the WHO of who we are as people.

 

It was hard for him, but he went into detail about how it's not really a choice from him. That, "from certain angles" I am just not appealing to him.

 

That led us to the topic of withholding sex. I said to him, "The few times we have had sex, you never seem to have a problem. It's not like you are on the PUP list (we're both football fans, so he knows that means physically unable to perform). That's why it feels like to me that you are withholding sex - using it as a power play, to make me do what you want. It seems very unfair.

 

I said to him, "In all the time we have been together, I have NEVER denied you sex - even when I wasn't in the mood. I feel it is my duty as your spouse to meet that need - and once we get started, I have always enjoyed it even if I wasn't in the mood to begin with."

 

"So when we are in bed and night and I am giving you the signal that I want sex, can you imagine how crushing it is for you to lay there and pretend to be asleep and ignore me? I know you are not asleep. That rejection is worse than having no sex. It feels mean and cruel and I have never done that to you."

 

I told him that I have been online trying to read up on all this - and it seems most of what I find is always about women who do not want to have sex. I said the advice I have read is that even if you are not in the mood, if you just go with the flow, you soon will be. Sex gets all the good endorphines going.

 

I said that it always seems to me that even when I have guilted him into sex, he always enjoys it. So then, knowing I want sex WHY does he deny me, even if the desire isn't there to start with, it will be once he gets into it because it always has been. He has never NOT been able to perform. THAT'S why I feel like he is making a choice to withhold sex as a way to manipulate my behavior.

 

He apologized for making me feel that way and said he is not using sex - it's just that his desire has not been there. I asked him why he pretends to be asleep - he said because I'm the one initiating things and it's late and he wants to sleep. He said I should initiate sex earlier in the evening.

 

As was mentioned by an earlier post, he said in these past number of years, when he would see me on the computer he would think to himself, "If you spent half the time you spend on the computer working out, we wouldn't have this problem."

 

We discussed the "emotional" aspect of my weight gain - how he feels to some extent, that he has gotten the short end of the stick in our marriage (the bait and swithch). I told him I do understand how he feels and that I think he is justified in feeling that way.

 

However, my weight gain has not been calculated. I gained 10lbs before we got married (which he had no problem with). Then I had five procedues done on my feet which took place within an 18-month period. It is not an excuse, but just an explanation. To marry him I had moved 1000 miles way from my family and job - was trying to start up my business again - and it was a very trying time. Food was a measure of control and comfort.

 

I told him that my weight gain has nothing to do with how much I do or do not love him. Like others have said, he does believe that THE EFFORT to workout and eat right should be make because it's important to him and - from his point of view - if I love him, I would make THE EFFORT to work out and eat right. He believes that if I just work out and stay away from fast food and eat right most of the time, the weight will come off.

 

I was very clear in telling him that I now feel like I am living with this ultimatium - lose the weight and keep it off or I will not love you. I told him that I understand that love is not the same as physical attraction but that, in a marriage, love is physically manifested thru an intimate relationship.

 

I explained to him that I have had this battle with my weight since I was a very little girl and even when I have managed to take it off, I have never kept it off. Now I fear that my marriage hinges on the size of my jeans and I am in a real panic about that.

 

He acknowledged that he can be a bit of a food natzi and so we discussed the many holidays and special occasions where we can indulge in non-healthy food (e.g. Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, vacations, wine tastings, dinners after concerts, etc.). It ends up being at least once or twice a month and we both feel like this will help me feel like I am not living without the food I enjoy and feeling deprived.

 

When all was said and done, we hugged and he said he was really glad we had had the discussion. We prayed and asked God to help us be the spouses each other desire. We asked God to help us keep HIM central to our marriage and to watch over and protect our marriage.

 

Then my husband said, "Since I gave you some affection (hug) can I have sex?":)

 

So for the first time in a very, very, long time (so long that I can't remember). I lit candles and put on a wonderful romantic CD and we made love in our master bedroom. Afterwards he just held me - which again hasn't happened in such a long, long time. He commented on how nice it was laying there together with the soft music and glow of the candles. And it was.

Edited November 16, 2009 by frustrated_one

[giotto]

maybe he finally got it that he's been a right prick about this...

[cheergirl]

I'm glad you're talking and getting together...

You've got a great man who loves you!

 

Having such a great husband, are you now motivated you to take the responsibility try to make yourself physically attractive to him?

 

Or will you just carry on eating and gaining; leaving him no choice but to suck it up?

 

It sounds like to me that you're being unfair: you want him to love you, be attracted to you unconditionally; whilst you do nothing to help him...

A wee bit selfish IMHO...

[giotto]

It sounds like to me that you're being unfair: you want him to love you, be attracted to you unconditionally; whilst you do nothing to help him...

A wee bit selfish IMHO...

 

She is losing the weight, isn't she? And now she will be even more motivated...

[JamesM]

So the story continues because yesterday afternoon my husband and I had a very long conversation about all of this. We were sitting by the fireplace and the topic of Christmas presents came up. I told him that I wanted the same thing I asked for last year - sex at least once a week every week. Well, that led to a great conversation that lasted several hours.

 

 

So for the first time in a very, very, long time (so long that I can't remember). I lit candles and put on a wonderful romantic CD and we made love in our master bedroom. Afterwards he just held me - which again hasn't happened in such a long, long time. He commented on how nice it was laying there together with the soft music and glow of the candles. And it was.

 

I am not going to critique your conversation because I for one am glad you had one. I have no doubt that based on what you typed, some could still have concerns.

 

The ending should at least tell us...there is progress and hope.

 

BTW, one comment...how did you have time for such a long conversation?!?

 

 

maybe he finally got it that he's been a right prick about this...

 

Agreed.

[PandorasBox]

Well, I think they both have been somewhat selfish. Her for not losing the weight and him for with holding because of it.

 

However, NOW that she is losing the weight it sounds like all will be well. Hopefully anyway.

[EmmaLou]

maybe he finally got it that he's been a right prick about this...

 

I hope so. He's been a real big prick. If you had ballooned to 300lbs I might understand.. But you sound like you just got some curves. I bet loads of men think you're gorgeous how you are and would be ready for sex any time of day. All of the constant images of super slim 'perfect' women have clouded his judgement, and the pressure to have one on his arm for everyone to see.

 

My guy is overweight, and lost a few stone recently through illness. He put it all back on and then some, but my desire for him hasn't changed one bit... No way would I let his extra weight stop our sex life. It's called Love.

[cheergirl]

"I gained 50 lbs, but YOU have to still have lots of sex with me to prove you love me not just for my hot body, (even though you find fat a turn-off) and then, and only then will I start losing weight... Wait gimme 4 years as well..."

 

Just seems a little skewed to me..I feel sorry for the guy...I don't think he's being a prick at all, more like a saint...

 

She's a very lucky woman...

[frustrated_one]

Not sure if you saw my first post on page 25 - it's about the first conversation we had about our issue on Saturday morning.

 

This second convo was a follow up to that.

 

 

I am not going to critique your conversation because I for one am glad you had one. I have no doubt that based on what you typed, some could still have concerns.

 

The ending should at least tell us...there is progress and hope.

 

BTW, one comment...how did you have time for such a long conversation?!?

 

 

 

 

Agreed.

[giotto]

"I gained 50 lbs, but YOU have to still have lots of sex with me to prove you love me not just for my hot body, (even though you find fat a turn-off) and then, and only then will I start losing weight... Wait gimme 4 years as well..."

 

Just seems a little skewed to me..I feel sorry for the guy...I don't think he's being a prick at all, more like a saint...

 

She's a very lucky woman...

 

I hope you won't put too much weight on when you'll have children (if you are planning to have some)... and then complain that your husband won't touch your fat disgusting body...

[angie2443]

I'm glad to see things are getting better and you are taking better care of yourself. I just wanted to add, please don't loose the weight mainly for your husband. I've rarely seen this work in the long run. Loose the weight and eat healthy for you! Do it because it is healthier for you. Do it because it makes you feel more attractive in general, not just to your husband. You always deserve respect from your husband, no matter what size you are. I wish you luck.