No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[cheergirl]

Just wait till you hit your 40s, girl. Your body will change - it will turn on you. Your metabolism slows and you can see precious little for any effort you make. I WISH I had the body now I had at your age - cause it was good and relatively easy compared to what it's like now.

 

To Mrs. Hopeful1980,

I must take exception to the comment above...Your body is not your enemy, it doesn't "turn on you"... What effort you put in, you will get out...It's just whether or not you care enough to make the effort...

 

I don't have the body I had at 20 (mainly because i can afford to eat 3xs a day now;)), but I am in great shape for my or any age for that matter. It's a simple decision. It's your decision...You decide what to put in your mouth, no-one else... You don't have to be fat, it is not inevitable...

 

Yes your metabolism slows, so eat less, eat well...

If you decide in your 20s I'm gonna be fat at 40, guess what you will be...

Self-fulfilling prophecy..."One of us, One of us..." Just say no!

[TinyLee222]

I think the two sides being drawn here are by people who 1) do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse and 2) have S/O who do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse.

 

If you HAVE that need - then you are coming down on my H's side. If you DON'T have that need, you are coming down on my side.

 

 

Not true in my case. My husband is in great shape and takes excellent

care of himself. Would I be dissapointed if he gained 50lbs? yep! Would I no tbe as turned on by him? yep

 

Would I ridicule him? become a food nazi? tell him I can't look at him

sideways? and withold sex? Absolutely not! I respect him..

 

Lee

[hopeful1980]

This is why I asked him whether he was withholding sex as punishment or as a way to get me to do what he wanted me to do. I do not think that is nice or fair. Sex is a very important part of a relationship that should not get power played.

 

While he claims he was not (withholdin to manipulate/power), I do think he was making a choice because he CAN PERFORM when we have sex. My weight gain may not be causing the desire, but once sex is initiated, he's off and running.

 

I hope that with me bringing this topic up, he will not make that choice any more. I hope he remembers that action creates desire.

 

I'm so happy for you FO. I'm so glad you have been losing weight and communicating openly with your husband. It seems you guys are making considerable progress. That is great to hear.

 

It would seem that you are both getting what you need at the moment and that's all that matters.

[TinyLee222]

>>I think the two sides being drawn here are by people who 1) do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse and 2) have S/O who do or do not have the emotional need to have a physically attractive spouse.

 

>If you HAVE that need - then you are coming down on my H's side. If you DON'T have that need, you are coming down on my side.

 

 

Not true in my case. My husband is in great shape and takes excellent

care of himself. Would I be dissapointed if he gained 50lbs? yep! Would I no tbe as turned on by him? yep

 

Would I ridicule him? become a food nazi? tell him I can't look at him

sideways? and withold sex? Absolutely not! I respect him..

 

Lee

[frustrated_one]

 

Would I ridicule him? become a food nazi? tell him I can't look at him

sideways? and withold sex? Absolutely not! I respect him..

 

Lee

 

My husband has not ridiculed me. He WAS a food natiz when I married him - he did not become one afterwards.

 

I am the one who pressed for the conversation. Look, he did not want to discuss details but I called his hand. Is it any surprise to hear him say he can't do me from behind anymore because my behind is too large to turn him on? NO it was no surprise since we never do it that way any more. The guy was being honest - not to hurt me.

 

No desire = no initiating of sex. He says he was not withholding per se. It is my hope that now with my efforts and our conversation, HE WILL initiate sex (like he did twice this weekend and no, I did not feel it was pity sex) and the desire will come. That is what all of the marriage counselor columnists I read online tell women when they don't want to have sex with their husbands.

[frustrated_one]

I agree:rolleyes:

 

I'm so happy for you FO. I'm so glad you have been losing weight and communicating openly with your husband. It seems you guys are making considerable progress. That is great to hear.

 

It would seem that you are both getting what you need at the moment and that's all that matters.

[mem11363]

Hopeful,

I like your posts and your mindset. I am going to throw this out there because it is amazing how powerful time is - when weight is involved.

 

Turns out that 1 - just one oreo cookie is 50 calories. If you have consumed the exact number of calories you have burned at the end of a day and you then eat just HALF AN OREO COOKIE - this is the impact.

 

On that one day you are now in the red by 25 calories. No big deal right. Because 3500 calories per pound, that is a little less then 1/10 of an ounce. But lets say that as a creature of habit you do this every single day. Well at the end of one year no big deal 2.6 pounds. But in a 20 year marriage 52 pounds and 30 years out 78 pounds.

 

Or - reverse the process. You are at a caloric break even - and you walk 7 minutes burning 25 calories. This is the rate at which you lose weight.

 

I simply mention this because it is this little bit of daily effort that makes so much difference over the long haul.

 

And I believe no one should feel hungry. Turns out if you just eat more veggies that works. They are volumetrically filling, healthy and calorically light. They only get messed up when you pour sauce on them or lots of butter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Mrs. Hopeful1980,

I must take exception to the comment above...Your body is not your enemy, it doesn't "turn on you"... What effort you put in, you will get out...It's just whether or not you care enough to make the effort...

 

I don't have the body I had at 20 (mainly because i can afford to eat 3xs a day now;)), but I am in great shape for my or any age for that matter. It's a simple decision. It's your decision...You decide what to put in your mouth, no-one else... You don't have to be fat, it is not inevitable...

 

Yes your metabolism slows, so eat less, eat well...

If you decide in your 20s I'm gonna be fat at 40, guess what you will be...

Self-fulfilling prophecy..."One of us, One of us..." Just say no!

[TinyLee222]

FO,

 

I commend you for your loyalty and dedication to your husband and

marriage. Your husband is very lucky to have you.

 

Lee

[hopeful1980]

Hopeful,

I like your posts and your mindset. I am going to throw this out there because it is amazing how powerful time is - when weight is involved.

 

Turns out that 1 - just one oreo cookie is 50 calories. If you have consumed the exact number of calories you have burned at the end of a day and you then eat just HALF AN OREO COOKIE - this is the impact.

 

On that one day you are now in the red by 25 calories. No big deal right. Because 3500 calories per pound, that is a little less then 1/10 of an ounce. But lets say that as a creature of habit you do this every single day. Well at the end of one year no big deal 2.6 pounds. But in a 20 year marriage 52 pounds and 30 years out 78 pounds.

 

Or - reverse the process. You are at a caloric break even - and you walk 7 minutes burning 25 calories. This is the rate at which you lose weight.

 

I simply mention this because it is this little bit of daily effort that makes so much difference over the long haul.

 

And I believe no one should feel hungry. Turns out if you just eat more veggies that works. They are volumetrically filling, healthy and calorically light. They only get messed up when you pour sauce on them or lots of butter.

 

I know. I use fitday to monitor what I eat and I've been doing the Firm workouts ever since college. I know how to lose weight and keep it off.

 

I'm just not concerned about doing it in order to keep my marriage on track. The thought that I have to stay fit for my husband never even crossed my mind. He certainly doesn't pick up a dumb bell for me! I've never seen him work out as long as I've known him! LOL!

 

I monitor what I eat and exercise for my own self-care. I do it because it makes me feel good, not because I feel like if I don't my husband won't find me attractive enough to have sex with me. There are a lot of things I do with the sole intention of making my husband happy (like a BJ), but wearing a certain dress size isn't one of them. If he made his affection towards me contingent upon my weight, I'd be very disappointed and it would likely make me less motivated as I would feel depressed.

[JamesM]

I'm actually looking forward to my 40s! I heard that's when a woman reaches her sexual peak.

 

 

This statement scares me. Time changes how you are, and please accept that your attitude will change, too. Knowing that can help you.

 

As you know, even in the first four years of marriage, the relationship with your husband has not been as expected.

 

My wife made almost the exact same statement at around 37 or 38. She added that being 40 sounded sexy, too. By the time forty actually rolled around, her interest in sex had diminished greatly.

 

Reading your words makes me sad and wish I could have that wife back again. My (slim) hope is that in the future I may still get her back. In the meantime, I will love my wife as she is.

 

Please remember your comments when your each 40 if you are not as you expected. Perhaps you can determine how to be at your peak even if you are not.

 

Sorry for the off topic comment.

[hopeful1980]

This statement scares me. Time changes how you are, and please accept that your attitude will change, too. Knowing that can help you.

 

As you know, even in the first four years of marriage, the relationship with your husband has not been as expected.

 

My wife made almost the exact same statement at around 37 or 38. She added that being 40 sounded sexy, too. By the time forty actually rolled around, her interest in sex had diminished greatly.

 

Reading your words makes me sad and wish I could have that wife back again. My (slim) hope is that in the future I may still get her back. In the meantime, I will love my wife as she is.

 

Please remember your comments when your each 40 if you are not as you expected. Perhaps you can determine how to be at your peak even if you are not.

 

Sorry for the off topic comment.

 

I'm actually becoming more sexually adventurous as I age. I don't know if I will reach a peak at 40, but I'm hoping.

 

It is always in my mind that sex is the glue that keeps our marriage together. Whether or not I remain as enthusiastic about it in 11 years, who knows? But I will not forget that I should make the effort in order to keep our marriage afloat.

[The Collector]

To me there is no excuse for denying your partner sex.

 

What if you found out he was a paedophile?

 

Clearly there are limits, and gaining weight isn't quite the same thing. But let's be clear, terms like 'denying' and 'ultimatum' do not accurately describe what's going on here, unless the bottom line is that it's always the man's fault somehow. He's not with-holding sex to force her to lose weight, he just isn't sexually aroused by her like he used to be. The OP knows that, but she wants to have her cake and blame her husband too. In the real world she will either have to cut back on the calories or find a partner who doesn't care if she puts on more than 10lb every year.

[hopeful1980]

What if you found out he was a paedophile?

 

Clearly there are limits, and gaining weight isn't quite the same thing. But let's be clear, terms like 'denying' and 'ultimatum' do not accurately describe what's going on here, unless the bottom line is that it's always the man's fault somehow. He's not with-holding sex to force her to lose weight, he just isn't sexually aroused by her like he used to be. The OP knows that, but she wants to have her cake and blame her husband too. In the real world she will either have to cut back on the calories or find a partner who doesn't care if she puts on more than 10lb every year.

 

Pedophilia is grounds for divorce. I don't know why people use one extreme example after the other.

 

How do you get he's not withholding sex? If he's not giving it up and she wants it, he's withholding. He is the only person she can get it from without going against her vows.

 

Saying if you don't lose weight I won't have sex with you is an ultimatum. If you verbalize it or not, that's what he did and it's not right. It doesn't excuse her weight gain, but her weight gain shouldn't stop him from showing love to his wife in a physical way.

[frustrated_one]

JamesM, you are so right. It is easy at 29 to THINK "I'll be hitting my sexual prime at 40" but time does change how we are. There is no way to know what will happen in the next 11 years.

 

I think we often just project our current self into the future but that is not how it will be. Even if you are in really good shape like my husband, his body, while in the best shape of his life (and he was a collegiate athlete), is not that same resilient bod of 20 some years ago. It aches and hurts so easily where it never did. It was a surprise to him. There is much about aging that is a surpise - your body is often your enemy and just doesn't respond and do what it did just a mere 10 years earlier.

 

Living and learning,

 

FO

 

 

This statement scares me. Time changes how you are, and please accept that your attitude will change, too. Knowing that can help you.

 

As you know, even in the first four years of marriage, the relationship with your husband has not been as expected.

 

My wife made almost the exact same statement at around 37 or 38. She added that being 40 sounded sexy, too. By the time forty actually rolled around, her interest in sex had diminished greatly.

 

Reading your words makes me sad and wish I could have that wife back again. My (slim) hope is that in the future I may still get her back. In the meantime, I will love my wife as she is.

 

Please remember your comments when your each 40 if you are not as you expected. Perhaps you can determine how to be at your peak even if you are not.

 

Sorry for the off topic comment.

[TinyLee222]

FO,

 

Sorry if you answered this already. Have you ever been in a long

term relationship before?

 

Lee

[frustrated_one]

Not sure what past relationships have to do with this.

 

FO,

 

Sorry if you answered this already. Have you ever been in a long

term relationship before?

 

Lee

[Miad's Princess]

FO I wish you luck and I hope things keep getting better and better for you and your husband.

I bet you are soo glad you took the plunge and had the conversation, I know you were really worried and anxious about bringing it up, glad you got the courage.

 

One thing that caught my eye with the whole thread is that he always can perform and get into it when you do (eventually) have sex. So you can't turn him off that much seriously though I am glad you told him that because I get the feeling that even just a little he has been using it as a weapon.

 

Hopefully things will turn around now and good luck with the weight loss, as you will agree this isn't just for him but for you also.

[TinyLee222]

Not sure what past relationships have to do with this.

 

 

Just a question I had. I remember you saying you are in your 40's I don't

remember you mentioning a previous marriage or LTR. And as far as your question as to " not sure what past relationships have to do with this". Probably alot. Experience with different men and other past relationship dynamics factor in how you relate to your husband in your present relationship.

 

Lee

[frustrated_one]

Yes, I am glad I got up the courage to have the talk but I was so nervous that my heart was practically beating out of my chest!

 

I agree - I can't be that much of a turn off - but of course, wouldn't want to get any worse.

 

It's so hard as I know what I need to do but doing it and getting this old bod' to cooperate is tough. My workout today with my trainer was p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c! We worked on legs - half the stuff I couldn't do and the half I could do has me creeping around like an 80 year old. Man, she worked my thighs good!

 

I appreciate the good wishes!

 

FO I wish you luck and I hope things keep getting better and better for you and your husband.

I bet you are soo glad you took the plunge and had the conversation, I know you were really worried and anxious about bringing it up, glad you got the courage.

 

One thing that caught my eye with the whole thread is that he always can perform and get into it when you do (eventually) have sex. So you can't turn him off that much seriously though I am glad you told him that because I get the feeling that even just a little he has been using it as a weapon.

 

Hopefully things will turn around now and good luck with the weight loss, as you will agree this isn't just for him but for you also.

[stillafool]

"I think your husband lied about not being sexual with his first wife."

 

 

He didn't lie. She has stated many times he is a honest person. I'm sure this applies to all things.

 

 

I think he would rather lie about the above subject than hurt her by telling the truth. No woman in her position wants her husband to say "yeah, my ex wife and I were scr%wing like rabbits" especially when he doesn't desire sex with her.

[PandorasBox]

I think he would rather lie about the above subject than hurt her by telling the truth. No woman in her position wants her husband to say "yeah, my ex wife and I were scr%wing like rabbits" especially when he doesn't desire sex with her.

 

 

I understand what you mean by him not wanting to hurt her feelings. I'm just saying according to her, he is a honest person, period.

[Miad's Princess]

I think he would rather lie about the above subject than hurt her by telling the truth. No woman in her position wants her husband to say "yeah, my ex wife and I were scr%wing like rabbits" especially when he doesn't desire sex with her.

 

I think FO and her husband FIRST had this conversation at the early stages of their relationship, long before sex became an issue between them.

[Miad's Princess]

Yes, I am glad I got up the courage to have the talk but I was so nervous that my heart was practically beating out of my chest!

 

I agree - I can't be that much of a turn off - but of course, wouldn't want to get any worse.

 

It's so hard as I know what I need to do but doing it and getting this old bod' to cooperate is tough. My workout today with my trainer was p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c! We worked on legs - half the stuff I couldn't do and the half I could do has me creeping around like an 80 year old. Man, she worked my thighs good!

 

I appreciate the good wishes!

 

Your welcome

 

and your not that old

you know it will get easier your body will adjust given time, just tough it out.

One more thing you say that it is hard to keep it off, well maybe when you lose the amount you wish, try to maintain it by continuing to exercise but to a much lighter degree. I am sure the pounds will stay off.

[frustrated_one]

That's true - WE were the ones scr#%ing like rabbits!!

 

I think FO and her husband FIRST had this conversation at the early stages of their relationship' date=' long before sex became an issue between them.[/quote']

[frustrated_one]

The past relationship that impacts my marriage most is that with my father. It was a pretty difficult relationship growing up and there are things my husband does that make me prickle and I know my reactions are due to the relationship I had with my dad.

 

Just a question I had. I remember you saying you are in your 40's I don't

remember you mentioning a previous marriage or LTR. And as far as your question as to " not sure what past relationships have to do with this". Probably alot. Experience with different men and other past relationship dynamics factor in how you relate to your husband in your present relationship.

 

Lee