No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[TinyLee222]

The past relationship that impacts my marriage most is that with my father. It was a pretty difficult relationship growing up and there are things my husband does that make me prickle and I know my reactions are due to the relationship I had with my dad.

 

 

Ah, fathers. Alot of unfinished business in our relationships. I hear you.

Forgive me for asking. Have you had other boyfriends, men, etc.

in your life before your husband?

[frustrated_one]

Yes I have.

 

Ah, fathers. Alot of unfinished business in our relationships. I hear you.

Forgive me for asking. Have you had other boyfriends, men, etc.

in your life before your husband?

[Scrivdog]

Just curious. You think you would have been able to land a guy like your husband if you weighed then what you weigh now?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Just curious. You think you would have been able to land a guy like your husband if you weighed then what you weigh now?

 

Really interested in the response along with those of all the others who supported F_O and basically denigrated her husband.

[giotto]

Really interested in the response along with those of all the others who supported F_O and basically denigrated her husband.

 

she would have got somebody who actually loved her for who she is, not for what she looks like or the size of her jeans...

[JamesM]

she would have got somebody who actually loved her for who she is, not for what she looks like or the size of her jeans...

 

We think so much alike. I had that response on the tip of my tongue when I read the question.

 

Of course, then it may be that he would want her to stay pleasantly plump.

[giotto]

I'm sorry, but when someone FIRST meets a love interest, in nearly every case the initial interest is because of looks. Everyone knows that.

 

This might come as a surprise to you, but men like different sizes and shapes too...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This might come as a surprise to you, but men like different sizes and shapes too...

 

I love you guys and truly empathize, but you are dillusional when you respond like this. Scriv asked if she would have found someone like her husband..... Maybe yes, maybe no... What I will promise you is Gisele Bundchen has a much larger pool of men to choose from then the heavy Kirstie Alley..... Can we argue the rights or wrongs about that statement? Go ahead but that is a fact.....

[Juniper22]

I remember this guy in college, he was tall and very skinny. His preference was big heavy set girls. Its all he would date. He married a large lady, he pretty much looks the same to this day, but he seems really happy. I never ever knew him to date a skinny or even average looking girl.

[giotto]

Oh, so THOSE men have a RIGHT to like those shapes and sizes then?

 

'course, but that's not the point...

[giotto]

Scriv asked if she would have found someone like her husband.....

 

 

what do we know about her husband? He could be fit and skinny, but ugly as f***k... so?

[Juniper22]

And more power to him.

 

I ALSO don't think the OP's H is hard set on a particular number on the scale, nor would he demand that his W do a scheduled number of stomach crunches every night. I do, however, feel, that a partner has the right to expect that his lover remain within what he/she perceives to be an acceptable state of physical attractiveness, providing it is in their power to do so.

 

 

Oh I understand what you're saying. I was just meaning this particular guy I knew, had that preference of a heavier woman, and he seemed happy and content with the way he looked, and he seemed happy with her and the way she looked as well.

[giotto]

And that's how he was when they married. I don't think anyone could get by with wearing a latex mask during the dating process and then, voila, after the marriage he takes it off and *surprise*

 

that wasn't the question TDP asked... we've been through the above argument several millions times already...

[Juniper22]

And if she suddenly started deciding she wanted to work out and lose weight, he might not be happy with those changes.

 

 

You're right, he might not be. He seems to dig her the way she is, and all the heavy women he dated back in the day.

[JamesM]

I love you guys and truly empathize, but you are dillusional when you respond like this. Scriv asked if she would have found someone like her husband..... Maybe yes, maybe no... What I will promise you is Gisele Bundchen has a much larger pool of men to choose from then the heavy Kirstie Alley..... Can we argue the rights or wrongs about that statement? Go ahead but that is a fact.....

 

My point was more that she might have gotten someone who didn't love based on weight but on her as a person. This does not mean that she would be less attractive at a higher weight.

 

As for smaller and larger pool of candidates, yes and no. Most guys will say that Gisele is prettier than Kirstie, but when it comes down to a long term relationship, many guys will not choose Gisele.

 

I could list a number of women who I think are gorgeous, but if it comes down to it, very few would I date, and even less would I consider for a long term relationship.

 

There is a reason they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am convinced that it is because it takes more than outward looks.

 

And it all comes down to an attraction to the personality. Even first impressions and attraction usually include something that is less about looks and more about personality. And then the sexual attraction is not based on looks but on who the person is.

 

Back the idea that a partner should be turned off sexually if their partner gains weight.....IF that person becomes overweight AND it changes their personality, then yes I can see it. Having been down that road, I can say that even then, one can easily realize that "while my partner is having a difficult time now, I know that she is the same person inside...and that is the person who I love.

 

If however, it is simply because the physical attraction is gone and for that sexual interest to return the partner needs to be a certain weight, then I question how deep the attraction went.

 

Sorry, TDP, despite all of my problems in that area with my wife, I can see it no different.

[giotto]

My point was more that she might have gotten someone who didn't love based on weight but on her as a person. This does not mean that she would be less attractive at a higher weight.

 

As for smaller and larger pool of candidates, yes and no. Most guys will say that Gisele is prettier than Kirstie, but when it comes down to a long term relationship, many guys will not choose Gisele.

 

I could list a number of women who I think are gorgeous, but if it comes down to it, very few would I date, and even less would I consider for a long term relationship.

 

There is a reason they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am convinced that it is because it takes more than outward looks.

 

And it all comes down to an attraction to the personality. Even first impressions and attraction usually include something that is less about looks and more about personality. And then the sexual attraction is not based on looks but on who the person is.

 

Back the idea that a partner should be turned off sexually if their partner gains weight.....IF that person becomes overweight AND it changes their personality, then yes I can see it. Having been down that road, I can say that even then, one can easily realize that "while my partner is having a difficult time now, I know that she is the same person inside...and that is the person who I love.

 

If however, it is simply because the physical attraction is gone and for that sexual interest to return the partner needs to be a certain weight, then I question how deep the attraction went.

 

Sorry, TDP, despite all of my problems in that area with my wife, I can see it no different.

 

Thank you for explaining this on my behalf as well... it's not a very difficult concept to grasp...

[The Collector]

There is a reason they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am convinced that it is because it takes more than outward looks.

 

And it all comes down to an attraction to the personality. Even first impressions and attraction usually include something that is less about looks and more about personality. And then the sexual attraction is not based on looks but on who the person is.

 

So you would marry The Elephant Woman if you found her personality attractive. That's great for you. But most people factor physical attraction in too. And if the physical attraction diminishes too much, then sexual desire may follow, as it has done here. This woman has the power to fix that problem, for her own health, her own sex needs, and to show her husband she doesn't take his love for granted.

 

You must remember at the rate of weight gain the OP is experiencing, she could be much bigger within a few years, and could die early because of it. A slight change to her diet, less calorie-ridden junk food, a bit more walking instead of driving - even making the effort I'd wager would get hubby back in the mood.

[JamesM]

So you would marry The Elephant Woman if you found her personality attractive. That's great for you. But most people factor physical attraction in too.

 

Whoaa...misunderstanding of what I posted. I did NOT say that physical attraction doesn't count. I DID say that it combines with personality. My wife is gorgeous. And I am not stupid enough to say that every guy would feel about her as I do. I do say that many other men can see that outwardly she looks beautiful. However, for me....her beauty goes much deeper than outward beauty. When she gains weight, it does make her less beautiful physically. And I can see that less men look at her. When she is at her physical best, she turns eyes. When I see her each and every day...with or without makeup...with or without her best clothes (or any clothes...had to add that ), I see her as beautiful because of her personality and compassion, etc.

 

Since we are talking about a man who married a woman, we should be able to assume that he married her for more than simply her outward beauty. We can assume that his attraction for her included her personality and many other qualities.

 

Based on that, I say the same....her weight gain can bother him. Her weight gain can cause him to feel that she is not at her outward physical best. Her weight gain can even cause him to lose some respect for her. BUT....IMO her weight gain should not cause him to reject her sexually until she gains an acceptable weight in his eyes.

 

 

You must remember at the rate of weight gain the OP is experiencing, she could be much bigger within a few years, and could die early because of it. A slight change to her diet, less calorie-ridden junk food, a bit more walking instead of driving - even making the effort I'd wager would get hubby back in the mood.

 

Her health is a different issue. And a loving husband or wife can push his or her partner to lose weight. That is completely different than rejecting the person that you supposedly love for more than their outward beauty.

 

And again, if she loses enough weight to gain his sexual interest back...and that is all that changes, then I still question how deep his love goes.

 

Just my opinion.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

My point was more that she might have gotten someone who didn't love based on weight but on her as a person. This does not mean that she would be less attractive at a higher weight.

 

As for smaller and larger pool of candidates, yes and no. Most guys will say that Gisele is prettier than Kirstie, but when it comes down to a long term relationship, many guys will not choose Gisele.

 

I could list a number of women who I think are gorgeous, but if it comes down to it, very few would I date, and even less would I consider for a long term relationship.

 

There is a reason they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am convinced that it is because it takes more than outward looks.

 

And it all comes down to an attraction to the personality. Even first impressions and attraction usually include something that is less about looks and more about personality. And then the sexual attraction is not based on looks but on who the person is.

 

Back the idea that a partner should be turned off sexually if their partner gains weight.....IF that person becomes overweight AND it changes their personality, then yes I can see it. Having been down that road, I can say that even then, one can easily realize that "while my partner is having a difficult time now, I know that she is the same person inside...and that is the person who I love.

 

If however, it is simply because the physical attraction is gone and for that sexual interest to return the partner needs to be a certain weight, then I question how deep the attraction went.

 

Sorry, TDP, despite all of my problems in that area with my wife, I can see it no different.

 

The love is there, not the sexual attraction or the will/want to have sex. You two are certainly much better then me. There is no way I would be groping, grabbing, and being as close physically to my spouse if she was clinically obese as this OP has become (and I do apologize for being so direct).

 

Please no more rationalizing that Kirstie is a better person then Gisele or rationalizing that analogy...... We know nothing about these two people, they were just examples.

 

JamesM I am sorry but you are living in a fantasy world and I think it is this idealized view that has resulted in your acceptance of your relationship with your wife and the lack of sex. This is becoming more and more apparent and believe me I am cheering you on and hoping things improve for you.

[JamesM]

The love is there, not the sexual attraction or the will/want to have sex. You two are certainly much better then me. There is no way I would be groping, grabbing, and being as close physically to my spouse if she was clinically obese as this OP has become (and I do apologize for being so direct).

 

Based on the info given, she is not obese in the sense that society calls obese. However, by definition, she is.

 

For anyone who would like to calculate their BMI, here is the link I used...

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bminojs.htm

 

My wife with her height and weight is just under the definition for being clinically obese. I highly doubt you would say she looks like she is obese. I can guarantee you if I showed you a picture, that you WOULD say she is overweight, but you would not call her obese. Nothing gets me more turned on then to be groping and grabbing her. Nothing gets me more turned on than watching her be physically pleasured.

 

While I do not admire her overall figure as I used to and even if she wanted sex as often as the OP does, I cannot see myself not wanting sex with her. I may not initiate it as often as I would if she were hotter, but I know that I would not reject her.

 

Why? Not only is she sexually appealing to me, but given the opportunity to express my love for her and to have her express her love for me still goes beyond her actually body weight. The truth is....her sexual attraction to me hinges alot on her response to having sex.

 

Even when she was pregnant (and I am NOT turned on by pregnant women...none), I can say that I enjoyed sex with her. I may not have relished the sight of her body as much as I do when she is not pregnant, but I enjoyed "communicating" with her sexually about as much.

 

Truly I mean that.

 

Please no more rationalizing that Kirstie is a better person then Gisele or rationalizing that analogy...... We know nothing about these two people, they were just examples.

 

I understand and took them as such. My point was and is that outward beauty can be destroyed by inner ugliness, and the reverse is true....outward plainness can be enhanced to become beautiful when someone has the inward beauty that shines. How many times doesn't someone seem plain until that person smiles or becomes passionate while talking?

 

JamesM I am sorry but you are living in a fantasy world and I think it is this idealized view that has resulted in your acceptance of your relationship with your wife and the lack of sex. This is becoming more and more apparent and believe me I am cheering you on and hoping things improve for you.

 

Thanks for the cheer leading from the sidelines.

 

I may well be living in a fantasy world, but it is with the woman I love.

 

I don't see how I idealized my world. The problems are very real to me. And you mention hope...funny, I mentioned that to someone else in a PM. "When we have hope, we can go forward. When all hope dies, then we may as well leave."

 

And yes, I have hope in my idealized world that one day my fantasy will be my reality.

 

Keep cheering.

[mem11363]

Somehow in the US we have gotten severely off track in terms of our culture and priorities.

 

With one strange exception, it is NOT ok in the US for your partner to ignore basic grooming practices that reflect laziness and / or indifference to how we look or smell.

 

There is a long, long list of behaviors that either effect our breath, our body odor or our appearance and with ONE EXCEPTION those behaviors are considered socially unacceptable. Just for clarity I will list a few: Foods that give bad breath, really bad hair cuts, really unflattering clothing/shoes, lack of showering leading to bad body odor. Lack of shaving properly - always having a half mustache/half beard, smoking tobacco products.

 

If anyone wrote in that their spouse refused to change the items above despite their being a turnoff - we would almost unanimously hammer the spouse who has the bad grooming habits. And yet none of the behaviors above cause serious long term health issues and shorten someones life. Oddly enough a very big percentage of adults in the US want to give obese people a diplomatic passport and give them full immunity from responsibility.

 

This is not about genetics - it is about choices. Go to Paris - you will find almost no obesity because the people walk everywhere. They are fit and healthy and spry (I am not French - but I have been to Paris). Look at highschool and college graduation photos from the turn of the century, even as recently as 1950. You will find little to no obesity. This is a cultural shift. We complain about our healthcare costs rising and yet this is a significant part of it but because it is a sensitive subject people don't want to talk about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The love is there, not the sexual attraction or the will/want to have sex. You two are certainly much better then me. There is no way I would be groping, grabbing, and being as close physically to my spouse if she was clinically obese as this OP has become (and I do apologize for being so direct).

 

Please no more rationalizing that Kirstie is a better person then Gisele or rationalizing that analogy...... We know nothing about these two people, they were just examples.

 

JamesM I am sorry but you are living in a fantasy world and I think it is this idealized view that has resulted in your acceptance of your relationship with your wife and the lack of sex. This is becoming more and more apparent and believe me I am cheering you on and hoping things improve for you.

[JamesM]

And when they married, part of her personality was that of someone who had an exercise routine and took care of herself in that way.

 

No, that was part of her behavior.

 

But we both know that people change, and part of commitment is to love someone even when they are not as you desire. And a "love" that rejects someone based on physical looks does not indicate a deep love that is based on commitment IMO.

 

There are many cases of husbands whose wives no longer are the woman they married yet their love for their wife still grows.

 

Oddly, most stories we read are when the wife gains weight and SHE refuses to have sex.

[mem11363]

James,

Why is the burden not on the person who is being lazy?

 

It seems you put the burden on the wrong person. Why am I the bad guy if I don't want to overlook someones increasing laziness?

 

 

No, that was part of her behavior.

 

But we both know that people change, and part of commitment is to love someone even when they are not as you desire. And a "love" that rejects someone based on physical looks does not indicate a deep love that is based on commitment IMO.

 

There are many cases of husbands whose wives no longer are the woman they married yet their love for their wife still grows.

 

Oddly, most stories we read are when the wife gains weight and SHE refuses to have sex.

[JamesM]

Oddly enough a very big percentage of adults in the US want to give obese people a diplomatic passport and give them full immunity from responsibility.

 

This is a separate issue from discussing a spouse who refuses to have sex until his partner reaches a certain weight.

 

I do not accept that my wife should remain at her weight she is now, but I do not think that refusing her something she desires will get her there and gain results that I want.

 

Rewards work better than punishments for long term success.

 

No one is giving the OP a free ride. Some are just questioning the husband's motives.

 

This is not about genetics - it is about choices.

 

This is not about just her choice. It is about his choice at accepting her as his wife while pushing/encouraging her to lose weight.

 

And since the wife has had an issue with weight all of her adult life, then we can see how her husband rejecting her sexually because she gained weight will damage her self-esteem considerably. He may gain short term weight loss, but I am guessing that he will do irreparable damage to her opinion of his love for her.

 

Look at highschool and college graduation photos from the turn of the century, even as recently as 1950. You will find little to no obesity. This is a cultural shift.

 

Having read a book or two recently on this very topic...two issues here....

 

1. Most of us are heavier than our HS pictures. in my case, it is a very good thing. I was a frail lad.

 

2. The image of what is desirable for the "perfect woman" is MUCH different than it was at the turn of the century (which I take it that you mean 1900 and not 2000). It changes as society changes. It is NOT about health. Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Now this is called a "plus model." Just before the turn of the century (as in before 1900), the "Rubenesque woman" was the ideal. She was what you would call overweight to clinically obese.

 

Having a healthy wife is better than having a skinny wife. Encouraging your wife to become healthy and fit is admirable. Rejecting your wife because she is not healthy and fit is not.

[JamesM]

James,

Why is the burden not on the person who is being lazy?

 

It seems you put the burden on the wrong person. Why am I the bad guy if I don't want to overlook someones increasing laziness?

 

The issue here is not necessarily laziness. The issue here is how should one treat a partner who is not healthy and fit. The issue here is the acceptance or rejection of physical appearance due to excess weight.

 

And to me the main issue here is should a husband reject his wife because she does not fit his ideal body weight? Is this love? Or should he encourage her to get healthy while still loving her?