No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[soserious1]

I have wrinkles, but I get hit on all the time! I do keep my weight in check, though. Of course they're smile lines, so you can tell at a glance that I'm all about the joy in life! I'm 50 years old and I get hit on by not only men my own age but also by men half my age - or should I say "boys?" lol

 

As I mentioned previously, when I was with this guy for a bit and he started putting on weight, it wasn't his belly that turned me off. It was his attitude of "I can now lay around and be lazy and gluttonous" that did it for me. Therefore, his LACK of efforts on my behalf. ;o)

 

Getting "hit on" or flirted, as pleasant as that might be is a lot different than actually meeting a man who is single and your age peer and forming a relationship.

 

I think people should strive to stay fit and active at any age and I do.. but not acknowledging the reality that visual signs of aging on a woman a a distinct sexually turn off for a lot of men isn't fair to the women who are living that reality daily.

[soserious1]

Weight gain is NOT a "visual sign of aging." We're talking about weight gain on this thread. And no - I do NOT think wrinkles, unless they are those that clearly define that someone is an angry person (furrows between the brows, for example) are a turn off.

 

Well let's talk about it in conjunction with weight gain, if men are sexually stimulated by what they see, it stands to reason that man who 's visually repulsed by fat might also be made physically sick by the sight of scars, age spots, wrinkles, stretch marks, varicose veins and sagging breasts

would he not? My Ex hated fat women, made negative comments about them all the time.. and he also hated old women, the very sight of the above mentioned things made his erections vanish.

 

Btw, you are a nice person and by all, accounts you have a happy life and for that I'm glad but I'm here to tell you

that there is no conga line of men interested in forming a relationship with the vast majority of women over age 50.

Edited December 2, 2009 by soserious1

[giotto]

^^^^ well said..

[angie2443]

Weight gain is NOT a "visual sign of aging." We're talking about weight gain on this thread. And no - I do NOT think wrinkles, unless they are those that clearly define that someone is an angry person (furrows between the brows, for example) are a turn off.

 

It is where I come from. They don't call it the middle age spread for nothing. I understand that you can keep the weight in check and some people are never going to have much of a problem with weight. For most people, though, the battle to loose gets harder and harder with every passing year.

[angie2443]

Getting "hit on" or flirted, as pleasant as that might be is a lot different than actually meeting a man who is single and your age peer and forming a relationship.

 

I think people should strive to stay fit and active at any age and I do.. but not acknowledging the reality that visual signs of aging on a woman a a distinct sexually turn off for a lot of men isn't fair to the women who are living that reality daily.

 

I agree. I've seen men trade up for younger models too many times to be able to say this isn't a fact of life. What I don't get, is why a 30 year old would hook up with a 50 year old married if he wasn't rich and/or famous. If she stays with him, she'll be cleaning up after him in about 10 years. Is this desperation on her part?

[JackJack]

Maybe there is a little desperation on both parts..if she is younger and likes money....that's her trade off....old fart with money, and to sleep with him isn't to bad in her eyes because shes getting money/material things....if he is older and likes em younger, then possibly for him it might be about his own insecurity about his youth....just a guess though.

[angie2443]

Maybe there is a little desperation on both parts..if she is younger and likes money....that's her trade off....old fart with money, and to sleep with him isn't to bad in her eyes because shes getting money/material things....if he is older and likes em younger, then possibly for him it might be about his own insecurity about his youth....just a guess though.

 

I was thinking of a specific poster's situation here. As I understand it, the 50 year old man wasn't rich or anything like that.

[JackJack]

I was thinking of a specific poster's situation here. As I understand it, the 50 year old man wasn't rich or anything like that.

 

I understand what you mean....low self esteem perhaps, and will take up with whoever pays them any kind of attention? I dunno.

[angie2443]

I understand what you mean....low self esteem perhaps, and will take up with whoever pays them any kind of attention? I dunno.

 

I think so. This is the only way I can make sense of it.

[blair08]

I understand what you mean....low self esteem perhaps, and will take up with whoever pays them any kind of attention? I dunno.

 

 

I think that makes sense. There are some people who want/crave love or attention so bad, they don't care from who. I grew up with a girl like that, that lived down the road from me. She would take up with whatever guy, no matter the age. Well, mostely older than her. Usually way older, maybe she was looking for that love/attention she never got from her father who wasn't around.

[angie2443]

I think that makes sense. There are some people who want/crave love or attention so bad, they don't care from who. I grew up with a girl like that, that lived down the road from me. She would take up with whatever guy, no matter the age. Well, mostely older than her. Usually way older, maybe she was looking for that love/attention she never got from her father who wasn't around.

 

Kind of sad, but it happens.

[blair08]

How in the world did the content in this thread take us to this point?

 

 

This was something in reference to what angie and JackJack were discussing in this thread. I was just agreeing with the point.

[blair08]

I got that, but they seem to be talking about a specific poster, and I'm wondering who. The OP?

 

 

Oh, I have no clue, lol.

[soserious1]

You have obviously missed what I've been trying to say.

 

Read again the things I said about the guy I talked about earlier. It was his ATTITUDE that turned me off more than his weight gain. I am betting the same is true for the OP's husband. That's my opinion. For me, it is impossible to be "sexually stimulated" by someone who has this idea that once they "have you" they can just quit making any effort to be attractive to their partner.

 

As for the conga line, I have quite a nice one following me regularly. Your ex isn't like most men. MOST men aren't horrible users like he was, and for that I am VERY sorry you ever had to come in contact with him. That experience seems to have scarred you to the point that you feel completely unworthy of ANY decent man looking at you with interest ever again. It's not the wrinkles, I believe, but the attitude. When someone just KNOWS DAMN WELL that no man wants them, no man will.

 

No, I understand quite well who I am.. and who I am not Donna. I am a highly educated,fully employed, very kind middle aged woman. I have many good points, what I do not have is the fresh faced dewy beauty and tight, taunt curvy body of a 25 yr old. Men in my age group who are similar to me in education and employment status who are single have a lot of women to chose from in the dating pool. Those men are opting to go out with women who are a lot younger than me. A 50 yr old successful man's dating currency gets him a LOT more options, it just does.I don't want just any man, I'd like to date among age peers who are similar to me in educational background and economic status, I'm not interested in pursuing men in their mid to late

60's nor am I interested in hooking up with men whom I might very well have to subsidize because they're impoverished from paying child support obligations, I'm also not interested in doing the step-mother deal, I really want no part of being responsible for raising another set of children.

 

 

Men who are highly stimulated visually and who find excessive fat to be a huge sexual turn off are also quite likely to also find the wrinkles, scars, sagging breasts, varicose veins and loss of skin clarity and tone that accompanies aging to be a huge physical turn off as well.

Edited December 3, 2009 by soserious1

[GorillaTheater]

No, I understand quite well who I am.. and who I am not Donna. I am a highly educated,fully employed, very kind middle aged woman. I have many good points, what I do not have is the fresh faced dewy beauty and tight, taunt curvy body of a 25 yr old. Men in my age group who are similar to me in education and employment status who are single have a lot of women to chose from in the dating pool. Those men are opting to go out with women who are a lot younger than me. A 50 yr old successful man's dating currency gets him a LOT more options, it just does.I don't want just any man, I'd like to date among age peers who are similar to me in educational background and economic status, I'm not interested in pursuing men in their mid to late

60's nor am I interested in hooking up with men whom I might very well have to subsidize because they're impoverished from paying child support obligations, I'm also not interested in doing the step-mother deal, I really want no part of being responsible for raising another set of children.

 

 

Men who are highly stimulated visually and who find excessive fat to be a huge sexual turn off are also quite likely to also find the wrinkles, scars, sagging breasts, varicose veins and loss of skin clarity and tone that accompanies aging to be a huge physical turn off as well.

 

I thought that I was mean enough to you previously to make you quit doing this, selling yourself (and men, for that matter) so pathetically short.

 

So keep it up. It's worth a few nasty-grams from Tony and the scorn of my fellow posters to snap you out of this crap.

 

Look, you've said in the past that, at least in some "arranged" settings, you've had other men express interest. You just can't bring yourself to believe that such interest is honest. That it couldn't be because you're not 25. It's easier to believe that (a) you're not worthy of that attention, and (b) they just want to get laid, and it would take them less effort to get into your pants than the 25-year-old. Please, f*cking spare me the self-pity. THAT's what's unworthy.

[soserious1]

I thought that I was mean enough to you previously to make you quit doing this, selling yourself (and men, for that matter) so pathetically short.

 

So keep it up. It's worth a few nasty-grams from Tony and the scorn of my fellow posters to snap you out of this crap.

 

Look, you've said in the past that, at least in some "arranged" settings, you've had other men express interest. You just can't bring yourself to believe that such interest is honest. That it couldn't be because you're not 25. It's easier to believe that (a) you're not worthy of that attention, and (b) they just want to get laid, and it would take them less effort to get into your pants than the 25-year-old. Please, f*cking spare me the self-pity. THAT's what's unworthy.

 

 

Actually it's not "self-pity" it's a realistic assessment of what out there on the market. I'm not interested in divorced men who are still saddled with child support obligations and who are actively co-parenting children, right there that knocks out a huge group of men.

 

I'm also interested in finding men who are similar to me in educational background/ profession .. that knocks out another huge chunk of options from the dating pool.

 

Finally, I'm hoping to find someone who, like me has no pre-existing medical problems. I take exactly zero medication have nice low blood pressure, low cholesterol

exercise regularly and enjoy an active life style.

 

The kind of men I'm interested in meeting have a wide range of women interested in meeting them .. that is a fact.. no self pity that I'm not worthy, just simple fact. that a male age peer who meets my standards will also meet the standards of women a good decade younger than myself.

 

I'm also honest enough to admit that if there were 2 men who met all of the above but one of the two was fitter, better built and a couple years younger than the other.. I'd choose the better looking man, I can't fault men for exercising the same options. I'm not interested in the senior citizens my well meaning friends keep pushing on me at dinner parties, nor am I interested in the retreads who are "good guys" that are so broke from supporting gaggles of pre-existing children that they're sofa surfing at various relatives homes because they can't afford to live and pay child support and alimony.

 

btw, gorilla, I'm feeling fine.. there's no "kick" needed today, really.

Edited December 3, 2009 by soserious1

[soserious1]

Round and round and round we go.

 

The negative attitude will TOTALLY turn off any guy YOU might be interested in.

 

Carry on.

 

But, actually, this should be another thread. This has NOTHING to do with a 40 something year old woman who, at only 5'2", packed on 50 extra pounds in 4 years.

 

Actually yes it does but I postulate that a man who is repulsed sexually by excessive fat because his sexuality is stimulated predominately by the visual is very likely to also be physically turned off by visible signs of aging in his wife, however slim she might be.

 

And Btw, I'm not displaying any "attitude" to any man. I will tell you honestly that I've had the humbling experiences recently of mistaking male attention with sexual interest, only to find that the men in question were already either in a committed relationship with a woman much younger than myself or be.. and this is really embarrassing, they weren't flirting with me but rather with the much younger co-worker who was lunching with us.

Edited December 3, 2009 by soserious1

[mem11363]

Soserious1,

I find the logic of your analysis to be impeccable. I also believe that the truth is this: You have decided to avoid having another serious relationship since your ex was such a hateful parasitic bastard who wreaked so much harm on you emotionally and financially.

 

Being the intelligent person that you are, once you came to that conclusion you reverse engineered a bullet proof argument for why no man is suitable for you.

 

I am not here to change your mind, I simply hope that you find a way to heal and open yourself to the idea of finding someone who is a good fit - since I agree you won't find a perfect fit.

 

 

Actually it's not "self-pity" it's a realistic assessment of what out there on the market. I'm not interested in divorced men who are still saddled with child support obligations and who are actively co-parenting children, right there that knocks out a huge group of men.

 

I'm also interested in finding men who are similar to me in educational background/ profession .. that knocks out another huge chunk of options from the dating pool.

 

Finally, I'm hoping to find someone who, like me has no pre-existing medical problems. I take exactly zero medication have nice low blood pressure, low cholesterol

exercise regularly and enjoy an active life style.

 

The kind of men I'm interested in meeting have a wide range of women interested in meeting them .. that is a fact.. no self pity that I'm not worthy, just simple fact. that a male age peer who meets my standards will also meet the standards of women a good decade younger than myself.

 

I'm also honest enough to admit that if there were 2 men who met all of the above but one of the two was fitter, better built and a couple years younger than the other.. I'd choose the better looking man, I can't fault men for exercising the same options. I'm not interested in the senior citizens my well meaning friends keep pushing on me at dinner parties, nor am I interested in the retreads who are "good guys" that are so broke from supporting gaggles of pre-existing children that they're sofa surfing at various relatives homes because they can't afford to live and pay child support and alimony.

 

btw, gorilla, I'm feeling fine.. there's no "kick" needed today, really.

[soserious1]

You may not THINK you are, but yes - you are.

 

I'm sorry but I disagree with you, I understand you're the hottest 50 yr old on the planet, that men of all ages get stiffies merely from glancing at your laugh lines but I'm sick of you discounting my experiences and opinions.

[soserious1]

Once you finally address the point I made about how it could have been her ATTITUDE (that of someone who doesn't CARE whether she looks good for her H or not) that turned him off, then we might finally get somewhere in this conversation.

 

Just like the guy I spoke of, it was his ATTITUDE that repulsed me.

 

ok, If a woman watches her weight and works out she conveys a properly respectful attitude towards her sexually visibly stimulated husband, how then is she to convey that same respectful attitude to a visually oriented partner who's turned off by wrinkles, sagging breasts, age spots and scars?

Edited December 3, 2009 by soserious1

[soserious1]

She isn't getting wrinkly because she has an "I don't care" attitude. Well, perhaps if she goes and does the "fake and bake" all the time and winds up with skin like leather like I've seen so many times, but really. You know what I'm talking about so quit pretending you don't get what I'm saying. I have wrinkles, but they are SMILE wrinkles. When I look at a man and see character (wrinkles) on his face, it makes a HUGE difference whether the wrinkles are smile lines or frown lines.

 

Do you REALLY think all men are so shallow that ALL it is about is how smooth one's skin is or how firm their boobs are or the actual number on a scale? Well, actually, you probably do from reading what you write here on LS. So sad.

 

 

You are not answering what to me seems to be a very logical question regarding visual stimulation..

 

We have agreed that a lot of what turns us on physically is hard wired into us correct?

 

If a man is not to be faulted for being physically stimulated by slim, toned women and physically turned off by fat women because that preference is hard wired into him then what about the hard wired preference for youthful beauty?

 

How does an aging wife display respect for her husband's hard wired need to be visually stimulated by smooth skin, unmarred by wrinkles, age spots or scars? How does she convey respect for his hard wired need to see ripe, firm breasts.

 

If it's about what arouses us physically and if that is hard wired into us, how then does an aging wife convey respect for her husband's needs in this area?

[mem11363]

SS1,

As a 46 year old man with a 47 year old wife I am going to answer your question as best I can. First of all we need to break apart 2 different situations. One is a marriage that started in youth and proceeds to death. The second is a marriage that begins much later in life.

 

For the first case, the commitment, shared life experiences and non-sexual love clearly keep many marriages whole until death ends them. If you look at the upper 10% of the males by assets in the US you find a majority of them stay married despite the fact that later in life they have the money to divorce and remarry a younger woman. ALL of these men would tell you that they are more sexually attracted to younger women from a purely visual standpoint. And most of them will also say they are sufficiently attracted to their wives to have a nice/good/great sex life until health/death gets in the way. The visual piece is a factor - but when you look at how these men actually behave, love, the desire for stability, shared memories etc. trumps raw youth most of the time.

 

As for what I would do if I were single and had to choose from scratch. Age would be a factor, as would financial independence - I am in good shape but not so well off that I want to support a trophy wife who thinks her job is to look pretty and do lunch. And fitness - oh - back to that - fitness would be a big factor. I would pick a fit 47 year old over a fat 37 year old without hesitation.

 

 

You are not answering what to me seems to be a very logical question regarding visual stimulation..

 

We have agreed that a lot of what turns us on physically is hard wired into us correct?

 

If a man is not to be faulted for being physically stimulated by slim, toned women and physically turned off by fat women because that preference is hard wired into him then what about the hard wired preference for youthful beauty?

 

How does an aging wife display respect for her husband's hard wired need to be visually stimulated by smooth skin, unmarred by wrinkles, age spots or scars? How does she convey respect for his hard wired need to see ripe, firm breasts.

 

If it's about what arouses us physically and if that is hard wired into us, how then does an aging wife convey respect for her husband's needs in this area?

[angie2443]

- oh - back to that - fitness would be a big factor. I would pick a fit 47 year old over a fat 37 year old without hesitation.

 

If you had a fit 37 year old and a 47 year old to pick from, who would you pick? There are plenty of fit 37 year olds out there, and the average 37 year old is going to be in better condition than the 47 year old. I'm not trying to be negative, I just think that soserious has many valid points that keep bieng discounted.

[angie2443]

soserious, I agree with much that you say. My only question is, what did your husband bring to the table to catch someone so much younger? From what you've said, he isn't any king of catch. I've never been able to understand this.

[melanies3]

Im sorry you're feeling all of this. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and struggle with the same thing, except for I have 2 kids, lol. But, i still was feeling the same way as you, unwanted, unloved, unattractive. But i came to the point where it wasnt about him, or the way he was viewing me. It's truly about your own self worth, and how you view yourself and loving yourself. Men are men. They want us to be physically fit, sexy, attractive...all the other things like our personality comes 2nd. They are visual beings and we can't hold it against them, it's just the way it goes.

I'm sure you're very beautiful and sexy. I wouldn't wait another second about getting some excercize and eating healthy. Dont do it for him, do it for YOU! :-)! You will start to feel happy and he will see that you are trying to better yourself. It's not just about the weight, think about your health, and the medical research for cancers and heart risks for women who even carry 20 extra pounds. You are like me with a small frame. I was 191 when I started weight watchers. I joined the gym too and now I weigh 165!!! Imagine yourself in a nice lace bra and panties, strutting your stuff for him....he would drop his jaw!!! You can do it. Think positive. You would want him to be healthy too, right? Good luck and dont be so hard on yourself.