No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[hopeful1980]

That is one of those Hallmark-card platitudes that has noting to do with real life. Really, 300 lbs? 400 lbs? 500 lbs, you'd expect him to love you and continue to find you attractive? And you'd reciprocate not just with weight but any other self-destructive behavior that he started - and in the OP's case, continued - to exhibit?

 

Call me skeptical...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'd still love my husband and treat him with respect regardless. I have through his joblessness and subsequent depression and alcoholism. I didn't treat him like crap because he had a problem. I treated him like he deserved to be treated and eventually he snapped out of it. When I did treat him poorly, it only made him more depressed.

[hopeful1980]

I'm skeptical too. I cannot for the life of me see myself having sex with a 500# person. Is that even possible?

 

There are plenty of people who actually have fetishes about morbidly obese people. There are magazines and websites dedicated to it.

 

If Frustrated husband won't have sex with her because of 50 extra pounds, that doesn't mean no one will. There are plenty of men who would find her attractive at her current weight.

[torranceshipman]

I'm really sorry that you feel bad, but you have put on 50 pounds and your husband has trouble feeling as sexually attracted to you as he used to. This is a natural thing for him to feel. You've even created a situation for him where he can't even sleep in the same bed as the W that he loves anymore, which mut make him miserable. And he does love you, that's clear. But he isn't as sexually attracted to you as he was, because you are obese or at least significanly overweight, and I am sorry but it is natural for a man or woman to react that way.

 

You have a house with a full working gym and you said yourself that your H will help you with gym memberships, etc. Clearly he is supportive. I think you need to find a way to motivate yourself to get in shape.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like you have a nice H and - for health reasons alone, you need to lose the weight. You have nothing to resent your H for, as he still loves your mental attributes. You need to lose the weight for you, whatever that takes.

[frustrated_one]

This is the latest . . .

 

It is easy for people who have not faced the life-long struggle with weight to just throw out the "lose weight" as if - poof - it will be easy and gone. IT IS NOT that simple. Hopeful - you obviously get it.

 

It is a cycle - one that I certainly take my share of responsibility for. Hubby told me 30lbs ago that my weight gain was a turn off. I didn't do anything but get bigger, so I "get it." But there is so much more to the dynamic and emotion of being in a relationship.

 

I waited to get married until I was 40 - until I had found THE right one. From our past history and then getting back together 12 years later, I had this {apparently false} idea that with my marriage I was getting unconditional love. I now understand that only comes from my heavenly Father {well, my mom is pretty close too }.

 

Hopeful is so right about the cycle and needing to break that. For 40 years I depended on no one but myself for my happiness. Once I got married, I tied it to him.

 

While I am still upset with my husband's attitude, what can I do but lose weight? It's not just him who's unhappy with the weight - it's me too. Sometimes when I go thru my closet and come across the cute pair of size 4 jeans I was wearing in August 2005, I dream about what it was like to be able to wear anything and look good in it. It was wonderful and I'd like to be back there one day.

 

Everyone here in the forum has been wonderful - even the "harsh" comments {in fact, most especially the harsh comments}.

 

I know we are in the era of political correctness, but sometimes you have to hear things from third party objective observers without the velvet glove. The words "you love food more than you love your husband" are still ringing in my ears {and were when I went for my first workout with a personal trainer today!}

 

Yesterday I made better food choices eating on my Zone/South Beach program. Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it. I know I have a looooooooooooooooooooong way to go, but I've taken the first step. Now the trick is to keep on keepin' on.

[hopeful1980]

Bottom line, no one can tell anyone else what they should find attractive or desirable. That's just not fair. No one can tell anyone else what weight limit their partner has to reach before they can fairly say they are no longer attracted to them. It is what it is. Would you seriously stand idly by if your H gained weight to the point where he was like that guy in Mexico who weighed over 1,000 lbs? If not, then why should any one person feel they have a right to tell another person how much weight their partner is allowed to gain before they are, in turn, allowed to not feel attracted to them?

 

You can stop being attracted to someone because they gain weight or lose their hair or whatever reason. This is true. But you shouldn't stop loving them and treating them respectfully because of it. That's my point.

[hopeful1980]

Did the OP say her H stopped loving her and treating her with respect? All that has happened is his attraction for her has diminished.

 

He literally pushed her off of him when she got close. That doesn't seem very respectful to me.

 

At any rate, there seems to be a double standard here with men. They can refuse sex with their wives for whatever reason, but if the wife loses interest in him she is with holding to get power or whatever. She should just suck it up and want to have sex with him regardless, but if a woman is complaining she doesn't get sex from her husband - he has a valid excuse.

 

It's not right either way. No spouse should be allowed to deny the other spouse sex. It's the ultimate form of rejection and disrespect.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not right either way. No spouse should be allowed to deny the other spouse sex. It's the ultimate form of rejection and disrespect.

Again, not a real-world perspective. There are plenty of things that one can do to kill your spouse's desire for you. And if a spouse becomes morbidly obese due to over-eating and lack of exercise, the only person they are disrespecting is themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hopeful1980]

I think I'll stop bathing. My sweety better still wanna make love to me!

 

See, Hopeful. It's just not all black and white like that.

 

My husband used to smoke and his breathe was horrid. He smelled like cigarettes all the time and I hated the smell. I still kissed him. I still made love to him. He didn't smoke when I met him, but I didn't reject him when he started to smell like an ashtray.

 

There were times when I did reject him or say something about his smell and it hurt his feelings. It stressed him out and actually made him want to smoke more. When I accepted him the way he was, he wanted to quit more. That's the way people work.

 

That's all I'm saying.

[hopeful1980]

Again, not a real-world perspective. There are plenty of things that one can do to kill your spouse's desire for you. And if a spouse becomes morbidly obese due to over-eating and lack of exercise, the only person they are disrespecting is themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There are other things a person can do to kill their spouse's desire for you, but it seems that when that person is a man there is no excuse of a wife to deny him sex. Is that correct?

[hopeful1980]

Ah HAH! So you DID get repulsed and let it show!

 

Just like any other normal person.

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

Yeah, but it wasn't fair. I didn't go on treating him like a smelly mess. We went on vacation and I didn't NOT have sex with him the whole time. I got over my shallowness and treated him the way I would want to be treated and because of that he stopped smoking. He wanted to feel that I accepted him either way and when he got that it was easy for him to quit.

 

My point isn't whether or not people should gain 50 pounds or stop bathing. My point is that their spouse should treat them with care during that time to see them through. I was wrong to reject my husband and Frustrated's husband is wrong to reject her. I had no excuse and neither does he.

[hopeful1980]

This is all in YOUR opinion. How someone ELSE should "feel" about it is not for you to say. He feels how he feels.

 

And I'll add that if I really quit bathing and my sweety still didn't mind having sex with me, I would wonder WTF was wrong with him to have that little self respect.

 

I never said how he should FEEL. I wouldn't begin to tell a person how they should feel. That's something you can't help. What you do have control over however is how you treat someone. You have control over how you make someone else FEEL. That's something they will not forget. They'll forget what you said, and they'll forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

 

When a spouse rejects another spouse, they make them FEEL unloved. In that respect they are sabotaging the rejected spouses progress. They are in effect pushing the rejected spouse towards the exact behavior that repusles them. It's not just with weight. It's with everything in marriage. It's not my opinion, but a well documented phenomenon with people in general.

[hopeful1980]

And he feels like she isn't making effort to be attractive to him, which makes HIM feel bad. So round and round we go, right? But if you continue to paint her H as a villain because he isn't following your script, that isn't going to help the overall situation with their marriage.

 

I still maintain that there is an underlying issue, as evidenced by FO's claim that at even 115 lbs she felt fat. This goes deeper than just healthy eating and a workout. However, I'm glad she is doing that. Regardless, it is going to make HER feel better.

 

I am not painting anyone as a villian or victim. I don't believe there is one in this situation. I was only sharing my experience and what I know to be true.

 

I gave Frustrated the best advice I have and I understand what she's going through because I have had to lose weight myself. However, I do not feel that it's right for people to come at her and excuse her husband the way they did. To me, there's no excuse for either one of their behaviors. I'm not going to excuse Frustrated's weight, but I'm also not going to let her weight be a free pass for her husband to deny her needs sexually.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are other things a person can do to kill their spouse's desire for you, but it seems that when that person is a man there is no excuse of a wife to deny him sex. Is that correct?

Not in the least and in fact the same standards apply. You have to respect and love yourself before you can ask someone else to do the same. Unconditional love is a myth and, in this case, a counter-productive one. The OP has said that she's not happy with her weight, so why would she expect her H to be? None of this is that hard to solve...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frustrated_one]

do you think it is right that when I snuggled up to my husband and attempted to get physical his reaction was, "Ehhh, WHAT are you doing?" and he pushed me away from him. THAT was crushing. It's been WEEKS since we had sex. No sex on vacation was horrible and awkward for me.

 

He wants me to lose weight but on vacation he was like, "We'll, we're on vacation - gotta have some of the local cuisine" and we would order a bottle of champagne and several appetizers to split. Just last Friday on the way back from a concert he said, "Want to stop and get an ice cream cone?" We stopped and I didn't want anything and he says, "You don't want anything? Nothing? How about a drink?"

 

I mean, he is witholding sex and says it's because of my weight but then every time I turn around he wants to go out to dinner or whatever.

 

Let's face it, if you have sex at night, not like you are seeing much of each other anyway!

[Mr. Lucky]

He wants me to lose weight but on vacation he was like, "We'll, we're on vacation - gotta have some of the local cuisine" and we would order a bottle of champagne and several appetizers to split. Just last Friday on the way back from a concert he said, "Want to stop and get an ice cream cone?" We stopped and I didn't want anything and he says, "You don't want anything? Nothing? How about a drink?"

 

I mean, he is witholding sex and says it's because of my weight but then every time I turn around he wants to go out to dinner or whatever.

While it certainly sounds like he could be more supportive, he's not responsible for what you eat and in command of your weight. If he was, you would have lost the weight just because he wanted you to. How has that worked so far ?

 

Look Frustrated, I know how hard dieting and food discipline are. I'm on the low fat diet from hell, only allowed 10 grams of fat a day due to cholesterol issues. Everyday, people say to me "let's grab a pizza" or someone brings cookies into the office breakroom. I just have to understand that, for me to be healthy and fit, I have to say no. Your challenge is no different.

 

Doesn't that "local cuisine" include salad and vegetables? That has to be your mindset ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frustrated_one]

While it certainly sounds like he could be more supportive, he's not

 

Doesn't that "local cuisine" include salad and vegetables? That has to be your mindset ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, actually the local cuisine was shrimp and grits, cheese grits, fried tomatoes, fried dill pickles, fried grits, etc. THAT was what he wanted to share.

 

You are right, I am responsible - so that's why at the ice cream store I said I didn't want anything - but there he was saying - how about this? What about that?

 

Your suggestions???????

[hopeful1980]

Not in the least and in fact the same standards apply. You have to respect and love yourself before you can ask someone else to do the same. Unconditional love is a myth and, in this case, a counter-productive one. The OP has said that she's not happy with her weight, so why would she expect her H to be? None of this is that hard to solve...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If it weight was easy to solve, two-thirds of the American population wouldn't be overweight or obese. It's not that cut and dry.

 

Unconditional love is never counter productive. Respect is never counter productive. I certainly won't ever put conditions on how much I love myself. Her husband doesn't have to be happy with her weight, but to reject her IS counterproductive to what he wants. She won't feel better about herself that way and she needs to feel better about herself in order to get to her goal.

[mem11363]

Frustrated,

 

Your post below is excellent. First of all - the sexual rejection hurts no matter how it is done - the way he did it amplified the pain. Not cool.

 

As for the eating healthy stuff, he is COMPLETELY undermining you here. HE should be setting a good example in front of you. Desert plate comes out - he gets the fruit. PS - I could not care LESS if he is at his ideal body weight. This sex thing is core to a marriage - he has defined a problem - he is your partner. He needs to show a consistent willingness to sacrifice to make this feel like a TEAM effort.

 

On vacation he should have made the effort to have sex. And he should have walked and eaten healthy with you. And he should also have been extra affectionate to make up for the lack of sex - a lot of hugs and touching can partly offset a less then stellar sex life.

 

I am not blaming him for your weight problem. I am blaming him for being a bad partner. You have to find some activities you like. When you mention a workout and immediately say you hated it - that is a problem. It is not sustainable.

 

Will he walk with you at night? A 4 mile walk - one hour - with heavy hands - 3 to 5 pound hand weights - is fun if the conversation is good/great.

 

I do think you might talk to him about how you feel and how he feels though. Because it sounds like he is taking your weight gain as meaning that he is not so important to you. Not saying that is true. Just saying if he feels that way this is way more then a visual thing.

 

The one other peice of this that you need to own is that he told you this was a problem and you then accelerated your weight gain and likely are projecting some anger at him. That isn't quite fair. While he gets poor marks for supportiveness, you have clung to the notion that somehow this is his fault. But it really isn't. You can tell him how to be a better partner and you should, ultimately though you do have to own this.

 

 

do you think it is right that when I snuggled up to my husband and attempted to get physical his reaction was, "Ehhh, WHAT are you doing?" and he pushed me away from him. THAT was crushing. It's been WEEKS since we had sex. No sex on vacation was horrible and awkward for me.

 

He wants me to lose weight but on vacation he was like, "We'll, we're on vacation - gotta have some of the local cuisine" and we would order a bottle of champagne and several appetizers to split. Just last Friday on the way back from a concert he said, "Want to stop and get an ice cream cone?" We stopped and I didn't want anything and he says, "You don't want anything? Nothing? How about a drink?"

 

I mean, he is witholding sex and says it's because of my weight but then every time I turn around he wants to go out to dinner or whatever.

 

Let's face it, if you have sex at night, not like you are seeing much of each other anyway!

[EarthGirl]

 

 

Everyone here in the forum has been wonderful - even the "harsh" comments {in fact, most especially the harsh comments}.

 

I know we are in the era of political correctness, but sometimes you have to hear things from third party objective observers without the velvet glove. The words "you love food more than you love your husband" are still ringing in my ears {and were when I went for my first workout with a personal trainer today!}

 

Yesterday I made better food choices eating on my Zone/South Beach program. Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it. I know I have a looooooooooooooooooooong way to go, but I've taken the first step. Now the trick is to keep on keepin' on.

 

It's not about "political correctness"..it's about KINDNESS, no one ever gets that anymore.

 

It's about going through a whole day yeah maybe a whole 12 hours of waking day without seeing obstacles and insults thrust toward you every time you turn your head. "tough love" or "not sugarcoating" isn't an excuse to play drill sargeant to a total stranger just to get your own rocks off (I'm sure a small part of all of you really want to help, but just be honest with yourselves and ask yourselves how big that part really is or are you just wasting time on the internet cause dancing with the stars isn't on yet)

 

I also want to lose weight for someone I love...but my brain has been through some crazy sh^t my whole life ...and honestly food is a calm way to have a pleasurable experience on a rather moderate but very pleasant level (except for an occasional somewhat rare occurance like chocolate mouse or maybe a whopper, and that starts to head towards a more exquisite level, ha ha). I've used it to keep me sane, and it may be horribly sad but I dont' know if I'd be alive today if I hadn't.

 

Feeling a more heightened experience (like sex and love)....don't know how my brain would react to that and it's terrifying. EVen though it's a really GOOD thing, not bad, still...I also suspect sexual abuse in my past and read that a lot of people with abuse pasts tend to gain weight in adulthood and if they finally lose a lot of weight that's when they get flashbacks. Just exercising is so terrifying because it at once can be very painful physically or at times more fun-when it is fun I tend to "flashback " in a sort of way (not literally, but I mean very palpable feelings like it feels I am back in my past) of when I used to be a dancer as a teenager..and even if it feels great for a moment I will panic and hyperventilate...hard to exercise when that starts happening. Almost like happiness brings the darkness right behind it in a matter of 30 seconds to a minute...weird...but anyway. So basically either way at this point exercising is not just like an unpleasant thing, like people don't want to drag themselves to the gym before work and they just want to sleep in and stay under their fluffy covers, they don't want to feel their muscles burn a little and get all sweaty...It's actually more like sheer terror.

 

In my opinion the OP was really stupid (no offense)..you don't go looking for this stuff cause if you start a discussion for this you're only asking for all the darkness and demons of the world to come at you all at once. They're prevalent enough just existing and going about your life. (not calling all of ya'll demons at all, though I didn't agree with everything..just speaking much more metaphorically)...Most likely this thread will only hurt her self esteem more , implying not only that she is lazy but that she is not in love with her own husband...which you can bet will cause her to eat just a little more tonight. Not saying it'll make that much of a difference or it's not her responsibility for what she puts in her own mouth, but that is just the reality of it.

[EarthGirl]

I never said how he should FEEL. I wouldn't begin to tell a person how they should feel. That's something you can't help. What you do have control over however is how you treat someone. You have control over how you make someone else FEEL. That's something they will not forget. They'll forget what you said, and they'll forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

 

When a spouse rejects another spouse, they make them FEEL unloved. In that respect they are sabotaging the rejected spouses progress. They are in effect pushing the rejected spouse towards the exact behavior that repusles them. It's not just with weight. It's with everything in marriage. It's not my opinion, but a well documented phenomenon with people in general.

 

yes, but sex is a very personal thing, not just between two people in a loving couple but for one's own individual body and soul...no one should ever feel pushed to have sex, do something so personal in a way that makes them uncomfortable, wether it is a perfectly good reason or a "superficial" thing, the fact is the act of sex is NOT superficial when you are in love wether you are supermodels or regular looking folk... and if you are "turned off" by the person you love wether for a physical or emotional reason...everyone has a right to their own body and soul and what they choose to do with it what they need to do and not do with it for their own reasons.

 

And ironically someone who truly loves you "unconditionally" will understand that with their whole being and always respect that even if you have tied the knot and have had sex plenty of times before...Every single time should be a willing (on both sides) and joyous occasion. I know veteran married folks with toddlers and teenagers running around are gonna say something like "hey you're busy and you're tired for a long day of work and taking care of kids, cooking, and cleaning, and hosting dinner parties..you've got a half hour before the both of you totally pass out involuntarily from exhaustion and if one partner is "in the mood" you just have to "put out" occasionally for the sake of the marriage and love of the other person.

 

I am not saying every time has to be fireworks and an incredible movie love scene...But each partner should be respected each time with what makes them comfortable and what makes them feel good, just like it was in the beginning when dating.

 

Rejecting sex is not rejecting love...I'm sorry I know everyone on this forum says how important sex is in relationships and I agree it IS, and a partner especially men feel their whole selves are rejected if their sex is rejected, yadda yadda...But the truth is it is only the exquisite physical expression of love on this planet (hopefully on others or wherever we go too : ) it is not actually the LOVE ITSELF.

[frustrated_one]

Frustrated,

 

Your post below is excellent. First of all - the sexual rejection hurts no matter how it is done - the way he did it amplified the pain. Not cool.

 

When you mention a workout and immediately say you hated it - that is a problem. It is not sustainable.

 

Will he walk with you at night? A 4 mile walk - one hour - with heavy hands - 3 to 5 pound hand weights - is fun if the conversation is good/great.

 

I do think you might talk to him about how you feel and how he feels though. Because it sounds like he is taking your weight gain as meaning that he is not so important to you. Not saying that is true. Just saying if he feels that way this is way more then a visual thing.

 

The one other peice of this that you need to own is that he told you this was a problem and you then accelerated your weight gain and likely are projecting some anger at him. That isn't quite fair. While he gets poor marks for supportiveness, you have clung to the notion that somehow this is his fault. But it really isn't. You can tell him how to be a better partner and you should, ultimately though you do have to own this.

 

I hear you and you're right . . . he has said exactly that - my increased weight means he is not important to me. That is EXACTLY what he has said! That is the way he feels. I have told him that if my weight was tied to how much I loved him, I would be a super model.

 

He has literally said that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. I don't get that. I have said in response that that is like saying he would be a better husband if he had more hair - that one didn't go over well since he's losing it on top.

 

You are also right on the "owning" issue. I cannot believe that at 155 he told me my weight was an issue and now here I am at 183ish. Trying to find comfort in food when I found no comfort in him - stupid, I know, nevertheless, true.

 

These days, having not denied myself much of anything when it comes to food, I find that rarely does it satisfy.

 

RE: Hating the workout - people on here have written that there will come a time when I like it and will miss it when I don't do it {kinda like sex}. My trainer said the same thing. I find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe, but I'm like - gotta put the big girl panties on and deal with it. When you're an adult there are things you have to do that you don't like. Every meal can't be dessert, no pun intended.

 

RE: Talking to him. I want to talk about it {isn't that a woman thang?} but I fear that he's all talked out. We have had the discussions, the crying, the hurt and pain. I've said I would lose the weight. I've tried watching the diet and then fall off the wagon. It's not like I have not tried several different times to lose weight over the past two years.

 

If I did bring it up, what would I say? He's sitting right next to me now as we watch TV. Guess I could I say, "So, after spending a week in three of the most romantic cities in the country, and not having any sex, I guess you've pretty much taken sex with me off the table until I lose weight, is that right?" How do you think that would fly?

 

I just think he's so DONE with the talking. Actions will mean the most at this point. Working out and making good food choices day after day, week and week, month after month. He did send me an email today thanking me for going to the gym and told me he was there if I needed him and if he could help.

 

I just gotta meet that emotional need he has to have a spouse he finds physically attractive. You can't blame the guy. It sucks, but that's the hand I've been dealt, so I gotta deal with it.

[D-Lish]

Honestly, I don't think you can blame someone for wanting their partner to remain in shape for them. It's every guys worst nightmare to think that they marry someone and that person lets themself go. Sorry, but it's true.

 

There is much more to a marriage than physical attraction- but it is a part of it. He's not a jerk-off because it bothers him and he's being honest about it. He hasn't left you - and he seems to support you when you do something healthy and positive.

 

OP, you seemed to be trapped in a redundant cycle here. You aren't motivated to get back in shape- yet you are resentful that your husband can't reconcile with your weight gain.

 

I think you have to lose weight

 

or ...

 

buy bigger pants- and accept the consequences.

 

If you choose to be healthy- don't do it because you feel forced by someone else- do it for you.

[mem11363]

Before getting married 20 years back we had the fitness 'talk'. Recall my earlier comments about my parents generation and their attitudes about marriage and fitness. That background had made me paranoid about what might happen to me when I got married. So after much planning I initiated this talk after getting engaged but way, way before the wedding.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>

Me: I understand this is a sensitive subject, however I want to talk about fitness. You know how everybody says they will be faithful etc. Well I am faithful. Just wired that way. So you will be the ONLY person I will be sleeping with from now on.

Wife: What does fitness have to do with being faithful?

Me: I think you know how I feel about your slim, lithe 27 year old body.

Wife: Absolutely crazy about it. Can't seem to keep your hands off of it.

Me: Yep

Wife: What is your point?

Me: I was wondering if we could put something in our vows about fitness. I think we should vow to stay "fit" for each other.

Wife: So you are going to dump me if I get fat?

Me: This is the only sexual relationship I will be in rest of my life, I am not attracted to fat women, any more then women are attracted to men shorter then they are. I am hardwired that way, same as women are hardwired to want a bigger stronger male. Not good, or bad. Just reality.

Wife: (annoyed) Just how many pounds of leeway do I have here? Ten, fifteen? Is there a remediation period during which I can lose the weight? How many pounds of fat allowance do I get for carrying each of your children? And what is the post birth Slimming period"?

Me: I would like to avoid putting a hard number on it, especially since, we start going to the gym more and you add some muscle weight, kind of makes the equation more complex eh?

Wife: (now angry) What about twins? I want a twin allowance? Two weigh more than 1.

Me: (soothing) Baby only your Doctor will comment on your weight during pregnancy, if he is happy, I am happy.

Wife: What about acts of God that cause disfigurement? Accidents, illness, etc.

Me: All acts of God are covered. It is not a choice to get in a car accident. I will still love, honor and cherish under any and all Force Majeure events.

Wife: You are shallow - and a P I G - PIG

Me: I physically crave you

Wife: An amorous pig, but still a pig

Me: Lets persue that for a moment. How about right after marriage I stop making the EFFORT, to perform basic grooming and hygiene stuff. Don't get my hair cut, including my lovely nose hairs. Stop showering, etc... Or how about I stay clean but just dress too casually for rest of our lives?

Wife: Not acceptable. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: What exactly is the difference between grooming/hygiene/clothing choices and fitness? How come it is ok to not make an effort to be fit - but it is NOT ok to not do all this other stuff has little/no impact on health?

Wife: Smiling. Even though you are a pig, you know I am going to make the effort to stay fit for you.

Me: And I for you.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Pretty close to the actual conversation we had 20+ years ago.

 

Of course the irony is that she has stayed fit and I had my little issue which I not only got HAMMERED for, but she repeatedly brought up this conversation - hell 16 years after the fact and she remembered it pretty damn near verbatim. She kept asking me how well, underweight hypocrites sleep at night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hear you and you're right . . . he has said exactly that - my increased weight means he is not important to me. That is EXACTLY what he has said! That is the way he feels. I have told him that if my weight was tied to how much I loved him, I would be a super model.

 

He has literally said that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. I don't get that. I have said in response that that is like saying he would be a better husband if he had more hair - that one didn't go over well since he's losing it on top.

 

You are also right on the "owning" issue. I cannot believe that at 155 he told me my weight was an issue and now here I am at 183ish. Trying to find comfort in food when I found no comfort in him - stupid, I know, nevertheless, true.

 

These days, having not denied myself much of anything when it comes to food, I find that rarely does it satisfy.

 

RE: Hating the workout - people on here have written that there will come a time when I like it and will miss it when I don't do it {kinda like sex}. My trainer said the same thing. I find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe, but I'm like - gotta put the big girl panties on and deal with it. When you're an adult there are things you have to do that you don't like. Every meal can't be dessert, no pun intended.

 

RE: Talking to him. I want to talk about it {isn't that a woman thang?} but I fear that he's all talked out. We have had the discussions, the crying, the hurt and pain. I've said I would lose the weight. I've tried watching the diet and then fall off the wagon. It's not like I have not tried several different times to lose weight over the past two years.

 

If I did bring it up, what would I say? He's sitting right next to me now as we watch TV. Guess I could I say, "So, after spending a week in three of the most romantic cities in the country, and not having any sex, I guess you've pretty much taken sex with me off the table until I lose weight, is that right?" How do you think that would fly?

 

I just think he's so DONE with the talking. Actions will mean the most at this point. Working out and making good food choices day after day, week and week, month after month. He did send me an email today thanking me for going to the gym and told me he was there if I needed him and if he could help.

 

I just gotta meet that emotional need he has to have a spouse he finds physically attractive. You can't blame the guy. It sucks, but that's the hand I've been dealt, so I gotta deal with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

If it weight was easy to solve, two-thirds of the American population wouldn't be overweight or obese. It's not that cut and dry.

 

Unconditional love is never counter productive. Respect is never counter productive. I certainly won't ever put conditions on how much I love myself. Her husband doesn't have to be happy with her weight, but to reject her IS counterproductive to what he wants. She won't feel better about herself that way and she needs to feel better about herself in order to get to her goal.

Are you suggesting that if her husband never made an issue of her weight that she wouldn't be 180+ right now? Because I don't buy it.

 

There are many things in life that are hard to do. Saving money is hard. Going back to school for a graduate degree while working full-time is hard. Being a single parent is hard. And what all those have in common with losing weight is that a successful result is the product of many small decisions, most of which are under our control and responsibility. Frustrated's focus on her husband as the cause of her inability to realize her goals is off by exactly 180 degrees. And until she realizes this, her screen name will be a perfect fit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

No, actually the local cuisine was shrimp and grits, cheese grits, fried tomatoes, fried dill pickles, fried grits, etc. THAT was what he wanted to share.

 

You are right, I am responsible - so that's why at the ice cream store I said I didn't want anything - but there he was saying - how about this? What about that?

 

Your suggestions???????

My suggestions would be to stop worrying about your husband and what he wants and start thinking about yourself. Go home and clean out your refer, freezer and pantry. Set a goal to lose 3 lbs this week by eating right and walking 3 miles over 3 days. If walking is painful, swim. Cancel your cable TV and join the Y. Be selfish and do what you need to do in order to be healthy. I bet you'll find that success breeds success and not just with your weight ...

 

Mr. Lucky