No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[giotto]

just divorce him and find someone who loves you for who you are, not just for your looks...

[giotto]

 

>>>>>>>>>>>

Me: I understand this is a sensitive subject, however I want to talk about fitness. You know how everybody says they will be faithful etc. Well I am faithful. Just wired that way. So you will be the ONLY person I will be sleeping with from now on.

Wife: What does fitness have to do with being faithful?

Me: I think you know how I feel about your slim, lithe 27 year old body.

Wife: Absolutely crazy about it. Can't seem to keep your hands off of it.

Me: Yep

Wife: What is your point?

Me: I was wondering if we could put something in our vows about fitness. I think we should vow to stay "fit" for each other.

Wife: So you are going to dump me if I get fat?

Me: This is the only sexual relationship I will be in rest of my life, I am not attracted to fat women, any more then women are attracted to men shorter then they are. I am hardwired that way, same as women are hardwired to want a bigger stronger male. Not good, or bad. Just reality.

Wife: (annoyed) Just how many pounds of leeway do I have here? Ten, fifteen? Is there a remediation period during which I can lose the weight? How many pounds of fat allowance do I get for carrying each of your children? And what is the post birth Slimming period"?

Me: I would like to avoid putting a hard number on it, especially since, we start going to the gym more and you add some muscle weight, kind of makes the equation more complex eh?

Wife: (now angry) What about twins? I want a twin allowance? Two weigh more than 1.

Me: (soothing) Baby only your Doctor will comment on your weight during pregnancy, if he is happy, I am happy.

Wife: What about acts of God that cause disfigurement? Accidents, illness, etc.

Me: All acts of God are covered. It is not a choice to get in a car accident. I will still love, honor and cherish under any and all Force Majeure events.

Wife: You are shallow - and a P I G - PIG

Me: I physically crave you

Wife: An amorous pig, but still a pig

Me: Lets persue that for a moment. How about right after marriage I stop making the EFFORT, to perform basic grooming and hygiene stuff. Don't get my hair cut, including my lovely nose hairs. Stop showering, etc... Or how about I stay clean but just dress too casually for rest of our lives?

Wife: Not acceptable. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: What exactly is the difference between grooming/hygiene/clothing choices and fitness? How come it is ok to not make an effort to be fit - but it is NOT ok to not do all this other stuff has little/no impact on health?

Wife: Smiling. Even though you are a pig, you know I am going to make the effort to stay fit for you.

Me: And I for you.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

If I sat my wife down 20 years ago in order to have this cosy nice little conversation, she would have killed me. We are human beings, not robots you can program they way you like...

 

FO: if your husband really loved you, he would have sex with you, and in a loving way. You would feel much better about yourself and it would be easier for you to lose weight. It's not a difficult concept to grasp, but your husband is obvisouly too selfish to even contemplate such a simple idea.

[hopeful1980]

just divorce him and find someone who loves you for who you are, not just for your looks...

 

I would never recommend divorce, but I feel the same way. It's not about the weight imo. I want to be loved for who I am and not a number on a scale. I find the entire conversation disturbing and since having it I've told my husband numerous times how grateful I am that he's not that shallow and couldn't keep his hand off of me when I was at my heaviest. I feel like a very lucky woman to have such a man.

[blair08]

Just out of curiosty, let's say you get on with what you know you need to do. You exercise, make better more healthy food choices, you start to look better, feel better and lets say you lose right much weight, and what if he still acts the same way towards to you?

 

Yes, you need to do all the above things mentioned for yourself, regardless of how he acts or what he says etc. BUT once you do all of this, and put forth great effort to do so, and lets say he doesn't budge as far as how he acts and feels, then what?

 

I do think your weight has right much to do with it, but I also say there is something else to it. Not sure what it is, but if you lose all this weight and he stays the same with his feelings towards you then there is something else going on with him. And, even though "no one can blame him for feelign the way he does," it still dosn't make it right that he is acting certain ways towards you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Unfortunately it is a simple problem, an easy answer (though it may be difficult to achieve). Get healthy, exercise, eat better, make smart decisions.... or divorce.

 

I have to comment though about the emotions the OP is going through and some of the posts and how they are viewed as it is a woman posting them.

 

There are men who have posted many many times and how each time they would try to caress their wives to start some amorous activities, or go away for a vacation, their spouses would pull away.

 

Very sad but all too common.

 

 

I would never recommend divorce, but I feel the same way. It's not about the weight imo. I want to be loved for who I am and not a number on a scale. I find the entire conversation disturbing and since having it I've told my husband numerous times how grateful I am that he's not that shallow and couldn't keep his hand off of me when I was at my heaviest. I feel like a very lucky woman to have such a man.

[eeyore1981]

I would never recommend divorce, but I feel the same way. It's not about the weight imo. I want to be loved for who I am and not a number on a scale. I find the entire conversation disturbing and since having it I've told my husband numerous times how grateful I am that he's not that shallow and couldn't keep his hand off of me when I was at my heaviest. I feel like a very lucky woman to have such a man.

 

BBM

I am in complete agreement. I got into my marriage because I loved my husband and wanted to be with him, not because I had a list of expectations of what he was supposed to do for me.

[giotto]

I would never recommend divorce.

 

 

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me... I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband. Ok, she got larger, so what? My wife was a lot slimmer when we married, but I would never dream to turn her down just because of that... together - with no rejections - they can work it out... but it has to be a joint effort...

[hotgurl]

do you think it is right that when I snuggled up to my husband and attempted to get physical his reaction was, "Ehhh, WHAT are you doing?" and he pushed me away from him. THAT was crushing. It's been WEEKS since we had sex. No sex on vacation was horrible and awkward for me.

 

He wants me to lose weight but on vacation he was like, "We'll, we're on vacation - gotta have some of the local cuisine" and we would order a bottle of champagne and several appetizers to split. Just last Friday on the way back from a concert he said, "Want to stop and get an ice cream cone?" We stopped and I didn't want anything and he says, "You don't want anything? Nothing? How about a drink?"

 

I mean, he is witholding sex and says it's because of my weight but then every time I turn around he wants to go out to dinner or whatever.

 

Let's face it, if you have sex at night, not like you are seeing much of each other anyway!

 

Frustrated your are rightit is bad of him to keep asking if you want ice cream etc...

 

But you two are in a routine now. I bet for the past year or so eating out was a big thing you guys shared together and you like having a drink going out for ice cream. So he is used to that.

 

What you need to do is get him into the new routine with you. so when he asks if you want ice cream say no I am trying to lose weight and I appreciate it is you don't tempt me. I need your support. He might have to be reminded at first.

 

My husband was like that when I started to lose weight it took about a month for him stop asking me if I wanted the foods I used to eat.

 

I did weigth watchers and it helped so much not only do you get the diet but you get so much support.

 

Also I do take breaks on vacation I don't count calories at all and eat whatever. I have lost 40 lbs,

[Mr. Lucky]

Also I do take breaks on vacation I don't count calories at all and eat whatever. I have lost 40 lbs,

Congratulations on your successful weight loss. I use a similar system - remember the old joke about how it's not cheating if you're across state lines ? - and am definitely looking forward to going out of town this weekend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frustrated_one]

Just out of curiosty, let's say you get on with what you know you need to do. You exercise, make better more healthy food choices, you start to look better, feel better and lets say you lose right much weight, and what if he still acts the same way towards to you?

 

Yes, you need to do all the above things mentioned for yourself, regardless of how he acts or what he says etc. BUT once you do all of this, and put forth great effort to do so, and lets say he doesn't budge as far as how he acts and feels, then what?

 

I do think your weight has right much to do with it, but I also say there is something else to it. Not sure what it is, but if you lose all this weight and he stays the same with his feelings towards you then there is something else going on with him. And, even though "no one can blame him for feelign the way he does," it still dosn't make it right that he is acting certain ways towards you.

 

In an earlier post I mentioned that before we were married my hubby had been in a relationship for 10 years with a woman. He never lived with her and told her from the beginning he would never marry her. Anyway, he told me that they did not have sex very often. He implied that it was due to the nature of the relationship {i.e. he didn't love her, per se, she was a companion} be he told me at that time that he "wasn't a very sexual person." She was a thin person, in no way fat.

 

That troubled me because I am and I love having sex with him. So we had the conversation of "hey, I don't want to set a ceiling on the number of times we have sex each month, but there HAS to be a floor - a minimum number of times we have sex." He was like, "oh, that won't be a problem." We were having sex often as is the first flush of love.

 

So I think about what that situation - he wasn't having sex with her very often and she was thin. Of course, I take him at his word when he said at the time I was the love of his life, the woman he always wanted to marry. It took 17 years from the time we met to the time we married. She wasn't that to him. So if I lose the weight will the sex life come back? I am under the impression that it will.

 

I hope that I do not find that my weight is just an excuse for him right now and when I do lose weight, the excuse will be gone and then what? I feel like we have a very healthy marriage other than this issue, I hope I'm right.

[frustrated_one]

Frustrated your are rightit is bad of him to keep asking if you want ice cream etc...

 

But you two are in a routine now. I bet for the past year or so eating out was a big thing you guys shared together and you like having a drink going out for ice cream. So he is used to that.

 

QUOTE]

 

You are so, so right! Eating out is our big thing. We love to go to wine tastings, good restaurants, Little Italy, etc.

 

I was looking over a list yesterday of activities we can do to have quality time together - it was everything from archery to whale watching. As I scanned the list, I was trying to figure out what things we could do together beyond watching sports, which we both love (but then he often wants to go out and then we eat wings/pizza.)

 

I really could not find a ton of things over the 3-4 pages of lists that we would like to do. It kinda stinks since I'm trying to something I can swap/replace. So much of what we do is all about food.

[Juniper22]

I wonder what he would do or how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Have you asked him that? Of course, I'm sure he wouldn't really know unless he was in that situation.

 

He gained right much weight, you didn't find him all that attractive or lost interest in sex with him.

[frustrated_one]

just divorce him and find someone who loves you for who you are, not just for your looks...

 

That's not going to happen. No way. When we married it was for life. It is a covenant between us and God.

 

It was for better or worse . . . I just guess that to him, that didn't include me gaining weight.

[giotto]

 

It was for better or worse . . . I just guess that to him, that didn't include me gaining weight.

 

lol obviously not...

[hopeful1980]

Unfortunately it is a simple problem, an easy answer (though it may be difficult to achieve). Get healthy, exercise, eat better, make smart decisions.... or divorce.

 

I have to comment though about the emotions the OP is going through and some of the posts and how they are viewed as it is a woman posting them.

 

There are men who have posted many many times and how each time they would try to caress their wives to start some amorous activities, or go away for a vacation, their spouses would pull away.

 

Very sad but all too common.

 

It's not simple. Gaining weight is a complex psychological issue. It's not just about eating too much. That's just a symptom of a much larger problem. You speak like a man who has never had the issue, so it's obvious you do not understand.

 

To divorce over 50 pounds? That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Someone who would even consider it shouldn't be married imo.

[hopeful1980]

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me... I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband. Ok, she got larger, so what? My wife was a lot slimmer when we married, but I would never dream to turn her down just because of that... together - with no rejections - they can work it out... but it has to be a joint effort...

 

I couldn't agree with you more.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It's not simple. Gaining weight is a complex psychological issue. It's not just about eating too much. That's just a symptom of a much larger problem. You speak like a man who has never had the issue, so it's obvious you do not understand.

 

To divorce over 50 pounds? That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Someone who would even consider it shouldn't be married imo.

 

The OP is a simple problem. The answer is not. Her weight gain has made him unhappy and him not want to have sex with her. Fair? That is for you to decide. My point is she knows what needs to be done to have sex with him. To lose weight requires a number of factors, some could, but not necessarily be psychological. I do think her body image and issues need to be explored. However to become more active and healthier in her choices is first and foremost. I dislike exercise, but feel better for it. Here is a simple start. Take all bad food out of the house. Go to the gym and get on an elliptical or exercise bike and read the book/magazine you'd read on the couch while working out. Most clubs now have TV's on the machines so you can watch that show. Sunday's I watch NFL or NBA while on a machine for 1 hour.

 

Sorry that is really simple.

 

As a man I was posting that there have been so many posts from men lamenting their "sexless" marriages and there are no real answers. Here it is simple like it or not. Lose weight (as nasty as it sounds).....

[giotto]

While it's "nice" that you two agree that FO should get a divorce, that's not what she wants.

 

it would also be "nice" if you read the posts properly...

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread.. only the OP...

 

My question is: why can't you lose the weight?

 

He worked out.. getting up in the morning.. you just don't want to get up that early.. well..surprise.. you have to do some sacrifices..

 

you had junk food behind his back ...he eats healthy... surprise.. you have to do some sacrifices.

 

To be honest, I don't blame him one second.. it's just not about the appearance.. it has a LOT to do with overall health... I guess he's thinking about what would happen if you get really sick (high blood pressure, diabets) then he would have to care for you..

 

I would advise him to get out of this M... simple as that.. if you don't want to make those sacrifices...

[hopeful1980]

The OP is a simple problem. The answer is not. Her weight gain has made him unhappy and him not want to have sex with her. Fair? That is for you to decide. My point is she knows what needs to be done to have sex with him. To lose weight requires a number of factors, some could, but not necessarily be psychological. I do think her body image and issues need to be explored. However to become more active and healthier in her choices is first and foremost. I dislike exercise, but feel better for it. Here is a simple start. Take all bad food out of the house. Go to the gym and get on an elliptical or exercise bike and read the book/magazine you'd read on the couch while working out. Most clubs now have TV's on the machines so you can watch that show. Sunday's I watch NFL or NBA while on a machine for 1 hour.

 

Sorry that is really simple.

 

As a man I was posting that there have been so many posts from men lamenting their "sexless" marriages and there are no real answers. Here it is simple like it or not. Lose weight (as nasty as it sounds).....

 

The answers men seek for their sexless marriages seem simplier to me than this one. Perspective, it would seem, is reality.

 

I know how to lose weight. I've done it before. That's not what is hard about it. What is difficult about FOs situation is the fact that her husband is being an ass. Plain and simple. That in and of itself makes it harder for a person to lose weight. She can lose the weight, but will he stop being an ass when she does? Only time will tell.

[frustrated_one]

To all the posts that say it's simple - yes and no. The answer may be simple - lose weight - but the process is not. And it's not just about the weight for me - it's the emotional aspect of feeling that his love is conditional.

 

I know, sex is not love, but it is a physical manifestation of love in marriage and I feel like he will ONLY love me IF I am a certain size and that is what I am having a very hard time with. That "conditional" aspect of what I thought was unconditional.

 

"For better or worse" in our marriage vows should cover things like weight gain. I do not feel like I did a bait and switch on him. I told him I had been heavier. My body loves being around 180 - the last time I lost weight and got down to the 135 when he met me I had been at 180. So I do not think the hypotheticals of being 250 lbs or whatever apply in my case.

 

I have tried to discuss this with my husband. He tells me I would be a better wife if I was a smaller jean size. That is NOT like me saying he would be a better husband if he would take out the trash or help do the house work. The two are just sooooo different.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The answers men seek for their sexless marriages seem simplier to me than this one. Perspective, it would seem, is reality.

 

I know how to lose weight. I've done it before. That's not what is hard about it. What is difficult about FOs situation is the fact that her husband is being an ass. Plain and simple. That in and of itself makes it harder for a person to lose weight. She can lose the weight, but will he stop being an ass when she does? Only time will tell.

 

You're telling me JamesM's issues or any of the males complaining about sexless marriages and all they have done to remedy or fix it, is simpler then losing weight????? No wonder us men are so damn thick and stoopid.....

[frustrated_one]

You know what else I think it's about? The H's perception of how much his W cares about the health of their relationship.

 

That is TOTALLY right - my H thinks that my weight is a reflection of how much I care or don't care about HIM. However, when you have had a LIFELONG battle with weight, I think it is very unfair of him to put that kind of spin on it. Very unfair! My weight IS NOT about him.

[frustrated_one]

You're telling me JamesM's issues or any of the males complaining about sexless marriages and all they have done to remedy or fix it, is simpler then losing weight????? No wonder us men are so damn thick and stoopid.....

 

I do not know the JamesM you are talking about or the other males on the forum complaining about sexless marriages but I have women friends who are in sexless marriages.

 

I find their thought processes totally foreign - some of them would rather have sex with a stranger they meet in a bar than to have sex with their husbands - they don't like all the strings/obligations, etc. It's not about weight as their hubbies are hot. I think it is very, very unfair for a wife to withhold sex - just like it feel it is unfair of my husband to do so.

[angie2443]

I have not read the whole thread.. only the OP...

 

My question is: why can't you lose the weight?

 

He worked out.. getting up in the morning.. you just don't want to get up that early.. well..surprise.. you have to do some sacrifices..

 

you had junk food behind his back ...he eats healthy... surprise.. you have to do some sacrifices.

 

To be honest, I don't blame him one second.. it's just not about the appearance.. it has a LOT to do with overall health... I guess he's thinking about what would happen if you get really sick (high blood pressure, diabets) then he would have to care for you..

 

I would advise him to get out of this M... simple as that.. if you don't want to make those sacrifices...

 

I don't know how to feel about this post. In many ways, my husband and I are in a simular situation, except I'm the health nut ( except for my ice cream issue) who exercizes and he's the couch potato. I love him and wouldn't stop having sex with him because of his weight gain. I worry about his health more than I worry about having to take care of him. At the same time, it does bother me that he eats so much junk and doesn't work out at least a little. I've talked to him gently about it, but if he doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to change. It's a fustrating situation.