No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[hopeful1980]

I haven't read the whole thread but if he is kindly in his daily interactions with you and still there and present in the marriage, then YES, he loves you.

 

But to me it seems very unfair having gone from 135 to 185 on a 5'2" frame, basically looking like a completely different person from what he married (in 4 years no less) to then complain that because his **** doesn't perform on command - i.e. that attraction has waned - because of that he doesn't love you!

 

That's not the only way he can please her sexually. He doesn't need his member to perform on command in order to provide her sexual pleasure. He's treating her like a roommate/sister, not a wife.

[mem11363]

Hopeful,

Game, set and match to you.

 

MEM

 

 

That's not the only way he can please her sexually. He doesn't need his member to perform on command in order to provide her sexual pleasure. He's treating her like a roommate/sister, not a wife.

[Enema]

Hopeful,

Game, set and match to you.

 

MEM

 

I disagree. It's a whole other thread that has questions we don't have answers for:

 

- Would she accept an intercourse-less sex life?

- Would she reciprocate so he can close his eyes and picture someone attractive?

- Do you need to find your partner attractive to give good oral?

 

I'd say he knows these things and is why he's not trying to placate her with half-measures.

 

Trying to brush this away as his fault, and a beast who doesn't love his wife because she's become unattractive is merely shifting the blame and doesn't address the problem he raised.

 

In response to her suggestion that men equate sex with love, both giving and receiving - I disagree. Men recognize love when the woman desires sex with her man. Men show love by caring for her, not railing her.

Edited November 6, 2009 by Enema

[EarthGirl]

It's sooo easy.. you just cut the junk food... you eat lots of veggies and fruits.. you exercise every day.... you can survive with healthy food.. trust me.. you can.. :rolleyes:

 

that is really insulting. people have just ignored my previous post. it is NOT that easy for everyone. I take insult to this and I don't care if you don't care if I am insulted, but I have a right to be, so do a lot of people.

[mem11363]

Even if he feels no fear or guilt, he should make the effort to have some sort of sexual interaction with frustrated. The total shutdown here is not nice. It lacks compassion.

 

Frustrated - sorry to put you on the spot. If your H got in bed with you and made the effort to please you orally - and lets just say he didn't want/couldn't have intercourse with you - but he was sincerely making the effort to please you - how would you feel about that?

 

 

I disagree. It's a whole other thread that has questions we don't have answers for:

 

- Would she accept an intercourse-less sex life?

- Would she reciprocate so he can close his eyes and picture someone attractive?

- Do you need to find your partner attractive to give good oral?

 

I'd say he knows these things and is why he's not trying to placate her with half-measures.

 

Trying to brush this away as his fault, and a beast who doesn't love his wife because she's become unattractive is merely shifting the blame and doesn't address the problem he raised.

 

In response to her suggestion that men equate sex with love, both giving and receiving - I disagree. Men recognize love when the woman desires sex with her man. Men show love by caring for her, not railing her.

[frustrated_one]

FO, I know this is rather off topic, but I just have to say, especially after reading your last post - you are a HOOT! And I mean that in a GOOD way! You have a dry wit and a great sense of humor and a wonderful outlook on things. It's really awful that you're going through this. I hope you can sort it out.

 

I know that in the whole scheme of things, the state of my sex life isn't all that important but it is important to me. I appreciate the time and thought everyone has given my post and my situation. It is truly appreciated and, more importantly, is helping me DO what I need to DO. xoxox

[frustrated_one]

Well, he is not cheating on you, is he?

 

No. So are you saying I should be grateful? Should I be saying to myself, "Well, I may not be having sex with my husband and he may push me away when I try to initiate intimacy, but at least he's not cheating on me!" Uh, that's not how I roll.

[frustrated_one]

Wait a minute. In all of the sexless marriage threads it has been repeated over and over that for a married man sex = love. I have read many women try and refute that by saying that they can give other affection, and you and other men have said that it doesn't matter. Over and over it has been said that for a married man sex = love. That it's the ultimate way for a man to show his love for his wife and feel loved by his wife.

 

What is different here? Now you are saying that he DOES love his wife even though he won't have sex with her? That's a huge contradiction.

 

Yes, yes, yes! You go girl. I read this online all the time - from doctors and marriage counselors, no less. Sex makes a man feel loved . . . why is it that it can't work the other way around???? SEX with my husband makes me feel loved.

[frustrated_one]

that is really insulting. people have just ignored my previous post. it is NOT that easy for everyone. I take insult to this and I don't care if you don't care if I am insulted, but I have a right to be, so do a lot of people.

 

I agree EarthGirl!! When Lizzie says, "It's so easy" she is sooooooo wrong. I saw a story about a male fitness model and personal trainer who purposely put on a ton of weight. He was then documenting his efforts to lose it. In the video I saw, he was talking about how different the experience was being fat instead of being fit and telling fat people what to do.

 

He discovered how your body turns on you when you are over weight. How it's hijacked - it's not like when you are fit. It was an eye opener for him and he said he hoped it would help him be a better trainer/coach and more understanding.

[frustrated_one]

Even if he feels no fear or guilt, he should make the effort to have some sort of sexual interaction with frustrated. The total shutdown here is not nice. It lacks compassion.

 

Frustrated - sorry to put you on the spot. If your H got in bed with you and made the effort to please you orally - and lets just say he didn't want/couldn't have intercourse with you - but he was sincerely making the effort to please you - how would you feel about that?

 

My hubby gives GREAT, make-me-scream-call-the-police-because-it-sounds-like-a-woman-is-being-murdered oral - I LOVE IT! However, your scenario would NEVER happen - when he makes me scream, I make him C**! It gets him hot and he's gotta do me.

 

I always want to say when we are done . . . "Now Sugar, that wasn't so bad, was it?" It's true for us what I have read from experts . . . even if you are not in the mood . . . once you get into it, you enjoy it!

[JamesM]

James, I very much appreciate your introduction and comments. I do have a question for you - to get a man's perspective.

 

You are welcome. I am not sure how much help I can be...I am in the same boat as you except I am the guy and you are the lady. I know fully well that extra weight would not change my opinion of you if I were your husband, but then you would say that weight wouldn't be an excuse if you were my wife. So we are two people with the same problem coming from a different angle.

 

I will try to give you a perspective.

 

I'm on these boards because I need to talk about this situation. While I would like to talk to my husband about it, I feel like we have "been there, done that."

 

Totally understand. I don't think you want to take the time to read all of my past threads, but I have been dealing with this issue for a few years. Many here say I have been dealing with it too long.

 

We have also had those talks. It becomes almost amusing how the talks have a pattern to them. It is a dance that is not really beautiful. Sometimes she takes me seriously and then we see some change for awhile. Most of the time, we have our parts and act them out well. The "story" ends the same way.

 

My guess is that you understand as your talks have a similar pattern.

 

The biggest difference is that you actually have a reason for his lack of interest in sex. I get the response that "it is me, not you."

 

Over the past 35 pounds we have had "the discussion" many times and the tears have flowed and my promise to lose weight has not come to fruition. I have told him I feel his love is conditional, he has told me if I loved him I would lose the weight . . . so here were are again, no sex for weeks {and the last several times were very few and far between and only because I initiated it.}

 

It seems to be a sort of pushing of strong wills. You refuse to lose weight as you feel that he is motivated only by your looks. He refuses to get interested in sex because he feels that you do not lose weight because you do not love him.

 

I know it isn't that simple, but in a sense it is.

 

I know that extra weight would not keep me from wanting sex with you, but IF it is weight as he says, then losing the weight will show him that you are doing it out of love for him. Inside though you will still probably struggle with the feeling that you are forced to look outwardly beautiful to get his sexual interest, but you wonder if his love goes deeper than your outward beauty.

 

And I say that his love does go deeper. It is just that sexual attraction for men IS motivated alot by outward beauty. This does not mean that he only loves your beauty. It does not mean that he only loves you when you are thin.

 

My concern is that he has another reason. Unfortunately you will not find that out unless you do lose the weight.

 

If I were him, then I would show you much love as a way to also motivate you to lose weight. I know that if he was turned on by you now, then out of love, you would feel more motivated to lose the weight out of love for him.

 

Should I bring this topic up again??? We just got back from a week's vacation to some of the most romantic cities and beautiful B&Bs. We have ALWAYS had sex on these anniversary vacations. Not this time. It was crushing. I want to bring that up, I want to tell him how rejected I feel.

 

You know him best. What would make you think it would work now? I totally understand the rejection you feel, I am sorry for the pain. Sex is much more than a physical act of release. It is a complete expression of love.

 

My fear is that like at my house, this talk will be a repeat of the same dance. However, if the time is right and you have the feeling it might do something, then go for it. IMO unless you have the weight loss to go with it, he will simply say in more words, "Lose the weight." Hurtful words but it is his position.

 

The longer I go without sex with him, the more anger and bitterness builds up within me. I get short with him. I "freeze" him out. All these things are not good I know, they do not bring me the actions I want, but they are a reaction to no action. I am sure you understand.

 

Totally how I feel inside.

 

From a man's perspective, what say you?

 

If I had something to do which gave me some hope for improvement, then I would do it. But yet I wonder if inside of me, I would feel that I am being accepted sexually only if I meet a certain standard.

 

IMO, the best way to get him would be to lose the weight so that all of those men are looking at you. If he then does not want sex with you and has some other excuse, hen an ultimatum should be delivered. And then counseling will be needed.

 

To NOT lose the weight will accomplish nothing. It will stay the same. He will not do what he should and show his love to you despite the weight gain, and you will not get the love from him you crave. Lose the weight, and the ball is in his court. He will be faced with showing you that it was all about weight or not.

 

Inside it makes me mad that he has you in this corner. It does not show a deep love for you. He may feel it, but he isn't showing it. Having watched my wife gain weight (as she has recently), I know that withholding love as a motivator for her to lose weight won't work. And I know that if he showed you how much he loved you despite the number on the scale, then you would feel motivated to lose the weight. My guess is that he thinks withholding sex will motivate you more than showing his love physically to you.

 

So...you really have a choice: Lose weight and see what he does, or Do nothing and stay status quo.

 

Thanks!

 

You are welcome. That is what we are here for. Good luck.

[frustrated_one]

"My guess is that he thinks withholding sex will motivate you more than showing his love physically to you."

 

You wrote that this seems a battle of strong wills - and you are right. "Pride goeth before the fall" and I know I need to set my pride aside.

 

Your quote above really hits the nail on the head - I feel that losing weight will reward bad behavior, will reinforce behavior that should not be acceptable.

 

Sure ain't easy, is it?

[Enema]

I feel that losing weight will reward bad behavior, will reinforce behavior that should not be acceptable.

 

 

He feels that having sex with you will reward bad behavior, will reinforce your bad food/exercise habits that should not be acceptable.

 

Aint easy is it?

 

Then again... which one came first - the fat, or the denial of sex.

[giotto]

although I don't approve of it, looks like losing the weight is the only way to break this stalemate. It's the only way to find out. I have one worry, though: that you will lose the respect for your man for forcing you - instead of understanding and helping you - to do something so difficult for you to regain an aspect of your relationship which should be granted and natural, regardless of your body shape...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The thoughtfulness and care you put into your posts, responses and how you have addressed and tackled your issues are just incredible.

 

Your compassion in answering this email is again testament to this.

 

Again I know we all feel for the OP, and now I see how much of a struggle the OP feels that losing weight will encompass, but that is the ONLY answer and that is why I am so bothered.

 

He has said that is the issue keeping them from having sex.... He has said it out loud and frankly it is the easiest answer I have seen on these boards. Again losing weight will however require work, which I have seen the OP rail against. I don't particularly like exercise, but I do it.... To cut portions or make healthier choices also is something that will take work. That is what your husband has said needs to be done to get him to have sex with you. Of course it is something you can be offended by, but it is there for you to do something about.

 

Now again I will bring it back to the sexless men, who have posted. Mem11363 himself was told when his wife found him unattractive to go to the gym and he did and tells us the wonderful results and does not resent it for a minute.

 

If our spouses told us all we needed was to and I'm using examples:

 

1. Complete the "Honey Do" list

2. Spend 4 hours less a week golfing/friends/hobbies

3. Bath and clean up

4. Get a new wardrobe/makeover

5. Buy them something special

6. Whisk them away on a vacation

7. Give them time to get out with friends and family

8. Go to the gym and lose weight or gain the muscle back you had when you met.

 

and we will have regular sex (and good), how quickly will we step up to the plate..... And would we for a minute resent it???

 

This is so friggin simple....

 

 

 

 

 

You are welcome. I am not sure how much help I can be...I am in the same boat as you except I am the guy and you are the lady. I know fully well that extra weight would not change my opinion of you if I were your husband, but then you would say that weight wouldn't be an excuse if you were my wife. So we are two people with the same problem coming from a different angle.

 

I will try to give you a perspective.

 

 

 

Totally understand. I don't think you want to take the time to read all of my past threads, but I have been dealing with this issue for a few years. Many here say I have been dealing with it too long.

 

We have also had those talks. It becomes almost amusing how the talks have a pattern to them. It is a dance that is not really beautiful. Sometimes she takes me seriously and then we see some change for awhile. Most of the time, we have our parts and act them out well. The "story" ends the same way.

 

My guess is that you understand as your talks have a similar pattern.

 

The biggest difference is that you actually have a reason for his lack of interest in sex. I get the response that "it is me, not you."

 

 

 

It seems to be a sort of pushing of strong wills. You refuse to lose weight as you feel that he is motivated only by your looks. He refuses to get interested in sex because he feels that you do not lose weight because you do not love him.

 

I know it isn't that simple, but in a sense it is.

 

I know that extra weight would not keep me from wanting sex with you, but IF it is weight as he says, then losing the weight will show him that you are doing it out of love for him. Inside though you will still probably struggle with the feeling that you are forced to look outwardly beautiful to get his sexual interest, but you wonder if his love goes deeper than your outward beauty.

 

And I say that his love does go deeper. It is just that sexual attraction for men IS motivated alot by outward beauty. This does not mean that he only loves your beauty. It does not mean that he only loves you when you are thin.

 

My concern is that he has another reason. Unfortunately you will not find that out unless you do lose the weight.

 

If I were him, then I would show you much love as a way to also motivate you to lose weight. I know that if he was turned on by you now, then out of love, you would feel more motivated to lose the weight out of love for him.

 

 

 

You know him best. What would make you think it would work now? I totally understand the rejection you feel, I am sorry for the pain. Sex is much more than a physical act of release. It is a complete expression of love.

 

My fear is that like at my house, this talk will be a repeat of the same dance. However, if the time is right and you have the feeling it might do something, then go for it. IMO unless you have the weight loss to go with it, he will simply say in more words, "Lose the weight." Hurtful words but it is his position.

 

 

 

Totally how I feel inside.

 

 

 

If I had something to do which gave me some hope for improvement, then I would do it. But yet I wonder if inside of me, I would feel that I am being accepted sexually only if I meet a certain standard.

 

IMO, the best way to get him would be to lose the weight so that all of those men are looking at you. If he then does not want sex with you and has some other excuse, hen an ultimatum should be delivered. And then counseling will be needed.

 

To NOT lose the weight will accomplish nothing. It will stay the same. He will not do what he should and show his love to you despite the weight gain, and you will not get the love from him you crave. Lose the weight, and the ball is in his court. He will be faced with showing you that it was all about weight or not.

 

Inside it makes me mad that he has you in this corner. It does not show a deep love for you. He may feel it, but he isn't showing it. Having watched my wife gain weight (as she has recently), I know that withholding love as a motivator for her to lose weight won't work. And I know that if he showed you how much he loved you despite the number on the scale, then you would feel motivated to lose the weight. My guess is that he thinks withholding sex will motivate you more than showing his love physically to you.

 

So...you really have a choice: Lose weight and see what he does, or Do nothing and stay status quo.

 

 

 

You are welcome. That is what we are here for. Good luck.

Edited November 6, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[JackJack]

It's not about love, it's about attraction.

 

I think this thread shows how often "love" is thrown around as a defensive jab when it's not really the issue.

 

He obviously loves her very much.

 

BUT, I would bet money that if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the woman, who wasn't interested in sex, for whatever reason, his weight etc, there would be comments made about how she is cold, and frigid, and doesn't care. And how if the male wasn't getting any sex due to being overweight, he needs to go get it elsewhere. Its been said many times as a suggestion for a man who is in a sexless marriage. Am I suggesting she get it elsewhere no, I'm just saying if the shoe were on the other foot, those are the kinds of things that would probably be said for the man to do/try.. Now that the woman isn't getting any sex, its that the man loves her and its about her weight. BUT like I said, if it was the woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband it would probably be a different story.

Edited November 6, 2009 by JackJack

[hopeful1980]

BUT, I would bet money that if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the woman, who wasn't interested in sex, for whatever reason, his weight etc, there would be comments made about how she is cold, and frigid, and doesn't care. And how if the male wasn't getting any sex due to being overweight, he needs to go get it elsewhere. Its been said many times as a suggestion for a man who is in a sexless marriage. Am I suggesting she get it elsewhere no, I'm just saying if the shoe were on the other foot, those are the kinds of things that would probably be said for the man to do/try.. Now that the woman isn't getting any sex, its that the man loves her and its about her weight. BUT like I said, if it was the woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband it would probably be a different story.

 

That's right. There seems to be a big double standard here.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I disagree 100%.... Read all the posts from these sexless marriages and the men tell you exactly what they have done to try to rectify the situation in every case. They have also been honest about their shortcomings.

 

Then read the responses where many have told the men what they are doing wrong, what they need to work harder on and how to rectify the situation. Usually the wife is a "cold fish" comment comes at the end and is usually met with a shrugged shoulder and "s*&ks to be you"....

 

The men usually are very reflective in their posts and the issues that have led to this "sexless " state. Not one has said they put on 37% extra weight (i.e. 200 lbs to 275 lbs) and that they still wanted sex and their wives told them they were turned off and to get away..... Find me one single post that says that.

 

Tell you what, we men are visual, and it goes both ways.... If a friend put on significant weight and then complained that his sexy, attractive still the same size wife did not want to have sex with them, we'd (the majority of males) tell them to go to the gym and do something about it.....

 

 

I am so sick and tired of this defense.

 

BUT, I would bet money that if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the woman, who wasn't interested in sex, for whatever reason, his weight etc, there would be comments made about how she is cold, and frigid, and doesn't care. And how if the male wasn't getting any sex due to being overweight, he needs to go get it elsewhere. Its been said many times as a suggestion for a man who is in a sexless marriage. Am I suggesting she get it elsewhere no, I'm just saying if the shoe were on the other foot, those are the kinds of things that would probably be said for the man to do/try.. Now that the woman isn't getting any sex, its that the man loves her and its about her weight. BUT like I said, if it was the woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband it would probably be a different story.

Edited November 6, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[JerseyShortie]

I haven't read through all these posts but I did catch this one:

 

Frustrated, I would agree with the above posters if the opposite was true. First, you don't lose weight for somebody else. You lose it for you. When you are tired of what you are, then change it. If not, then not. Second, losing weight doesn't change who YOU are. My wife is not thin, but she is as beautiful to me as the day we met not because of her flesh, but because of HER! If all of a sudden you drop the weight and your husband wants to ride you around like a pony, was it because of you or your body? If it's the latter, your better off dumping this jerk and finding a guy who is worth a damn. Third, stop kicking yourself. Your not the problem, your husband is. You gained weight? So what! He seems to be the one with the issue. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, I BETCHA there are many men who would!

 

Do I sound angry? HELL. YES. I'm angry and here's why. My daughter is eleven and as skinny as a rail. She was told by some silly-ass boy that she was fat. Next thing I know, she's trying to STARVE herself by not eating for the whole day! She was told by her friends that if she gets fat, nobody will like her. I could see the tears well up in my wife's eyes and I think she may have seen the rage building in mine. This is what I told my daughter:

"Where ever you go in life, people will always tell you that you are too this or not enough that. You will be too fat, too thin, too black, or not black enough. What ever you are, be that and be proud of what ever that is". That's what my parents told me and that's what I told her. She seemed okay with this and ate pizza with us that night.

 

One

Angry

Jarhead

 

And I think most men that truly love their wives would think this way. That they would love her if she was thin or put on a couple pounds.

 

Midnight Rider, it's really nice to know that there are men out there that are supportive of their wives and don't make their bodies dependent on that support. And it's really special that you as a father, are teaching your daughter such a healthy outlook because when she gets older and relates to other men, she will look for men that have your attitude and won't let her body rule how she feels about herself. Thanks for being one of the good guys!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Frustrated one, I haven't read all these posts but as another woman that knows how hard it is to maintain a certain weight, here is my advice.

 

I think you are somewhat punishing yourself and your husband becaue of the bitterness you feel towards his unsupportive attitude. The bad thing about this isn't that *he* looses out. He doesn't matter much here. It's you that matters here and you need to do what you can to get yourself in a better place. That's your top priority. YOU. Not your marriage. Not your husband. Not what he wants. Not that men are visual. Not that men need women with hot perfect bodies..None of that matters at this time. Now I know alot of guys here are going to get angry at that but that is the TRUTH. Because if you aren't happy with you for you, then nothing else matters. WHat's that line in Jerry McGuire where they show the clip of Jerry's mentor who thumps himself on his heart and says "if this is empty, nothing else matters"....And where that starts is with you.

 

For now, you just need to take him out of the equation. His needs, his desires, even sex right now (although tough to live without) are not your main focus. He is not your main focus. You need to make yourself your main focus. Am I making that clear?

 

Now if you were happy at your weight, I would think that's okay. But you said you weren't. So start small. I know it's the best when the man you love supports you but that isn't going to happen. He's not supporting you and you have every rigth to be hurt and bitter about that. But you need to find deep in your heart what will motivate you to be a better person. And do it. After you've delpt with the issues you need to to make you feel happier with yourself. Whether that means loosing weight, or just means that you start working out more or is something else entirely, THEN and ONLY THEN you can worry about your relationship with him. THEN and ONLY THEN you can decide if you want to try to fix your relationship or move on to a man you think would support you no matter what.

 

Sometimes I know when I don't work out for a while, and feel bad, then go back to it, even if I am not at the weight I was, I feel better about my body already.

 

But here is the KEY thing here; YOU are what matters here. NOT your husband. Not what he needs or wants you to be. After you take care of yourself, then you can decide if you can fix the hurt your husband has caused you. Of if you want to move on to a man that will support you more sincerely.

[hopeful1980]

 

Frustrated one, I haven't read all these posts but as another woman that knows how hard it is to maintain a certain weight, here is my advice.

 

I think you are somewhat punishing yourself and your husband becaue of the bitterness you feel towards his unsupportive attitude. The bad thing about this isn't that *he* looses out. He doesn't matter much here. It's you that matters here and you need to do what you can to get yourself in a better place. That's your top priority. YOU. Not your marriage. Not your husband. Not what he wants. Not that men are visual. Not that men need women with hot perfect bodies..None of that matters at this time. Now I know alot of guys here are going to get angry at that but that is the TRUTH. Because if you aren't happy with you for you, then nothing else matters. WHat's that line in Jerry McGuire where they show the clip of Jerry's mentor who thumps himself on his heart and says "if this is empty, nothing else matters"....And where that starts is with you.

 

For now, you just need to take him out of the equation. His needs, his desires, even sex right now (although tough to live without) are not your main focus. He is not your main focus. You need to make yourself your main focus. Am I making that clear?

 

Now if you were happy at your weight, I would think that's okay. But you said you weren't. So start small. I know it's the best when the man you love supports you but that isn't going to happen. He's not supporting you and you have every rigth to be hurt and bitter about that. But you need to find deep in your heart what will motivate you to be a better person. And do it. After you've delpt with the issues you need to to make you feel happier with yourself. Whether that means loosing weight, or just means that you start working out more or is something else entirely, THEN and ONLY THEN you can worry about your relationship with him. THEN and ONLY THEN you can decide if you want to try to fix your relationship or move on to a man you think would support you no matter what.

 

Sometimes I know when I don't work out for a while, and feel bad, then go back to it, even if I am not at the weight I was, I feel better about my body already.

 

But here is the KEY thing here; YOU are what matters here. NOT your husband. Not what he needs or wants you to be. After you take care of yourself, then you can decide if you can fix the hurt your husband has caused you. Of if you want to move on to a man that will support you more sincerely.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

[hopeful1980]

 

 

I am so sick and tired of this defense.

 

It's not a defense. It's true. When women are the ones who are denying sex to their husbands, no one asserts that their wives still love them. On the contrary, they say their wives are denying them the most fundamental way they are loved.

 

But in this thread men are claiming that FO husband still loves her even though he won't have sex with her. Even though he literally pushes her away when she tried to get close to him.

 

You don't see that as a double standard?

[JamesM]

The thoughtfulness and care you put into your posts, responses and how you have addressed and tackled your issues are just incredible.

 

Your compassion in answering this email is again testament to this.

 

Thank you. In this case, I can actually feel what she feels. The frustration she feels is no different than mine. However, in her case, her H has hit with the one thing that women feel most vulnerable about...weight or looks.

 

In other words, "if you look better, then I will have sex with you."

 

Again I know we all feel for the OP, and now I see how much of a struggle the OP feels that losing weight will encompass, but that is the ONLY answer and that is why I am so bothered.

 

I agree yet disagree. It is seemingly the answer, but the OP (and I agree) thinks that it may go deeper than simply weight loss.

 

Most men with a wife who was overweight certainly may be on her case or ask her nicely to lose weight, but very few would withhold sex as a "motivator." Most men would still have sex as often as she wanted either because they loved her or because they were physically turned on as a man.

 

A woman who enjoys sex is already sexy in her own right. Her weight will not take that away.

 

If our spouses told us all we needed was to ........

and we will have regular sex (and good), how quickly will we step up to the plate..... And would we for a minute resent it???

 

Personally, yes, I would do it. Would I resent it? After this many years and so many dead ends, even I would resent the fact that in order to have sex, I needed to meet some standard. Because the underlying implication is that to keep having sex, I must keep the weight off.

 

Sex should be an expression of love between two people and not some activity that requires each person to meet certain standards. That is why so many people who live in sexless (or nearly sexless marriages) find that the rejection is worse than the lack of sex. Even if they get sex outside of the marriage, it is not as fulfilling unless it is part of an affair/relationship in which emotional feelings are involved, and sex is then used as an expression of love.

 

BUT, I would bet money that if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the woman, who wasn't interested in sex, for whatever reason, his weight etc, there would be comments made about how she is cold, and frigid, and doesn't care. And how if the male wasn't getting any sex due to being overweight, he needs to go get it elsewhere.

 

I disagree.

 

If this was a guy who needed to lose weight and his wife said if he did, then she would have more sex (or have sex), then my answer would be the same. The same indignation that I have now regarding conditions being set would be there.

 

Unless it is proven that weight is an excuse for not having sex, then I think the person who needs to lose weight should do so. As long as there is a reason given, then something can be done. As TDP has said, if I had a list of things that I could do which would bring sex back to the marriage, then I would do them. If that list brought results, then I probably would be happy. However, if I needed to keep that list perfect in order for us to have sex, then I would be resentful after awhile. And then the realization that sex was being used more as a manipulation tool rather than as an expression of love would hit home, and the dissatisfaction of my marriage would make me realize that this was not about sex but something else.

 

So it is with F_O. I suggest she does as he wishes. But I am afraid that the lack of sex could still be there, or the resentment may still be there as she wonders if this is only about looks and not about her inward beauty.

 

BTW, my wife is 35# over her ideal weight. So it came up in a conversation last night. (Wonder why...and no we weren't talking about sex ) And honestly I hadn't noticed. It bothers her much more than I.

 

 

Frustrated_one, is there any other reason that your H may not want to have sex with you? Does he look at a lot of porn? Does he spend alot of time "at work?" Is he on the computer many hours? Is there anything in his life that popped in your head when you read my question that may contribute to is lack of interest in sex?

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would not want sex with a willing woman...and especially if it was with the woman he loved.

[JamesM]

When women are the ones who are denying sex to their husbands, no one asserts that their wives still love them. On the contrary, they say their wives are denying them the most fundamental way they are loved.

 

But in this thread men are claiming that FO husband still loves her even though he won't have sex with her. Even though he literally pushes her away when she tried to get close to him.

 

You don't see that as a double standard?

 

Personally, I don't say that he loves her. He may but I question that. But to reach that point, F_O has two options...lose weight (which she admits she has used as protection) or not lose weight (which she admits she is happier being more fit).

 

And here you will shoot me, but there is a difference with most men and women regarding how they view sex. Most men can still have sex with their wives even when they do not have love. Most don't reject their wives physically.

 

From what I read, women view sex much more than men as an expression of love and not as a physical release, so when woman rejects her husband physically, she rejects him emotionally, too. (And I will be corrected if I am wrong. )

 

I think what is being said here is that F_O is given an action that she can do to improve her sex life. Whether it will remains to be seen. Whether her H is being a jerk...I think he is. Whether he loves her...that is debatable.

 

Most men and women are not given a reason why sex has disappeared. Most are not given an action that will theoretically result in sex.

 

Begin losing weight and see if it works. If it doesn't and new excuses are given, then you (F_O) will know that it goes much deeper than a rejection due to a weight gain.

[frustrated_one]

 

Frustrated one, I haven't read all these posts but as another woman that knows how hard it is to maintain a certain weight, here is my advice.

 

I think you are somewhat punishing yourself and your husband becaue of the bitterness you feel towards his unsupportive attitude. The bad thing about this isn't that *he* looses out. He doesn't matter much here. It's you that matters here and you need to do what you can to get yourself in a better place. That's your top priority. YOU. Not your marriage. Not your husband. Not what he wants. Not that men are visual. Not that men need women with hot perfect bodies..None of that matters at this time. Now I know alot of guys here are going to get angry at that but that is the TRUTH. Because if you aren't happy with you for you, then nothing else matters. WHat's that line in Jerry McGuire where they show the clip of Jerry's mentor who thumps himself on his heart and says "if this is empty, nothing else matters"....And where that starts is with you.

 

For now, you just need to take him out of the equation. His needs, his desires, even sex right now (although tough to live without) are not your main focus. He is not your main focus. You need to make yourself your main focus. Am I making that clear?

 

Now if you were happy at your weight, I would think that's okay. But you said you weren't. So start small. I know it's the best when the man you love supports you but that isn't going to happen. He's not supporting you and you have every rigth to be hurt and bitter about that. But you need to find deep in your heart what will motivate you to be a better person. And do it. After you've delpt with the issues you need to to make you feel happier with yourself. Whether that means loosing weight, or just means that you start working out more or is something else entirely, THEN and ONLY THEN you can worry about your relationship with him. THEN and ONLY THEN you can decide if you want to try to fix your relationship or move on to a man you think would support you no matter what.

 

Sometimes I know when I don't work out for a while, and feel bad, then go back to it, even if I am not at the weight I was, I feel better about my body already.

 

But here is the KEY thing here; YOU are what matters here. NOT your husband. Not what he needs or wants you to be. After you take care of yourself, then you can decide if you can fix the hurt your husband has caused you. Of if you want to move on to a man that will support you more sincerely.

 

Thank you - your post made me cry {in a good way }

[hopeful1980]

Personally, I don't say that he loves her. He may but I question that. But to reach that point, F_O has two options...lose weight (which she admits she has used as protection) or not lose weight (which she admits she is happier being more fit).

 

And here you will shoot me, but there is a difference with most men and women regarding how they view sex. Most men can still have sex with their wives even when they do not have love. Most don't reject their wives physically.

 

From what I read, women view sex much more than men as an expression of love and not as a physical release, so when woman rejects her husband physically, she rejects him emotionally, too. (And I will be corrected if I am wrong. )

 

I think what is being said here is that F_O is given an action that she can do to improve her sex life. Whether it will remains to be seen. Whether her H is being a jerk...I think he is. Whether he loves her...that is debatable.

 

Most men and women are not given a reason why sex has disappeared. Most are not given an action that will theoretically result in sex.

 

Begin losing weight and see if it works. If it doesn't and new excuses are given, then you (F_O) will know that it goes much deeper than a rejection due to a weight gain.

 

I think you are so thoughtful and I pray your wife begins to treat you in the way that you deserve.

 

I will not speak for FO, but for me sex is not about the physical act with my husband. I find just as much pleasure in having sex with him as I do cuddling up with him and having his strong arms around me. But either way, I know he desires to be close to me and that closeness fuels our relationship. Knowing that he finds me beautiful, no matter how much I weigh, is to me as important as sex seems to be to the men here. To be rejected because of my outward appearence would be a betrayal of the highest magnitude. I want him to love the person who I am and accept me.

 

I'm not saying that it's okay to gain weight to "test" his devotion. I don't believe that. What I am saying is that for most women the topic of their weight is where they are most vulnerable. Many women define themselves by the number they see on the scale. It's is the aspect in their lives where they need the most support,love and acceptance. To reject a wife when she has gained weight is like a blow to the gut. It is defeating and so emotionally devestating I can not even begin to imagine the pain and self doubt FO must be going through because of it.

 

If it were me, I'd look at my husband as a fairweather friend. When I am slim and trim, everything is fine. But when I have gained weight and when I need your love and support the most, you shut me out. That is like a slap in the face.

 

As much as my husband needs sex to feel loved, I need to feel adored and cherished. Rejecting me because of the way I look does nothing to provide those fundamental needs. It seems the quickest way to kill intimacy.