a good friend...?

[she devil]

Hey. I have a slight problem on my hands. I work with one of my best friends and she likes this guy we work with. Recently she confronted him at a party for my b-day and told him how she felt. They were both pretty drunk at the time but not too bad. He hasn't spoken to her about what happened that night and she's too shy to talk to him. I think she's mainly just embarassed about it-they both are slightly uncomfortable around eachother now at work. I've known the two of them for the same amount of time now-two years or so. I like them both, they're great people...but there is just one thing. I think he likes ME. I think that maybe I like him back...you see my problem? I don't want to do anything about my feelings for him because I'm afraid she'll hate me. I know friends don't trespass against friends. She's liked him for such a long time now and I'd hate to go up to her and say, "oh, now I like him, too!"

 

We both flirt with eachother but not as much when she's around-I don't want to make it obvious. I realize the best thing for me to do would be to just get it out in the open and talk to her about it-but she's so sensitive and I love her to death. Is this potential boyfriend worth losing a best friend over? I don't think so-I value my friendships. However, I see him every weekend at work and we email eachother every day. We really get along. Should I just stop doing this all together? Some help would be great. Thanx!

[Tony T]

I think you should let time do its thing. Don't forsake your friendship with this guy.

 

If your friendship with your lady friend is so important, give her time to start dating someone else. When she is engrossed in a new realtionship, I'm sure she won't care if you see this guy she likes now. He obviously doesn't care for her that much and nothing will happen...so if she has half a brain she'll get that message sooner or later.

 

Time has a way of working miracles. In the meantime, I hope you will broaden your horizons and date around.

 

I think it's great that you have enough ethics and principles to take your girlfriend's feelings into consideration in your dealing with this guy. That's refreshing today with so many people who just go for whatever they want irrespective of the consequences.

 

If you are meant to be with this man, it will happen.

[LT]

Tony, I agree with you to an extent. I've had the pleasure of wonderful male friends (strictly platonic), and I've been in both situations. From a "romantic" point of view I'll agree that your advice is practical and efficient. Why waste time?

 

Except if there IS true friendship under all of it I'd always think twice about just tossing it away because my hormones got the best of me. Hormones come and go, romance often comes and goes...friendships, really good ones, are much harder to find and keep.

 

It sounds like this lady should ask her friend what's on his mind...that she senses he wants to talk about something but is finding it difficult. Reassure him of her love, goodwill, and friendship, no matter what it is. If he chooses to speak and it's what she wants to hear, GREAT. If not, then here's another 2 scenarios she can hash out:

 

1. Hypothesize with him. Some night when the two of you are just bs-ing bring up the subject of what could happen if one friend starts falling for the other (make up an example from some past he doesn't know about). See what he says. Your opinion, of course, should be that no matter what happens the two should try to remain friends, should such feelings not be reciprocated. -OR-

 

2. (this worked for me but won't work for everyone!) Go to him, let him see you're upset. Tell him you have a problem with the relationship, that your feelings for him have changed and that you're having a hard time dealing with it. You value the friendship and don't want to lose it and for that reason you want to TEMPORARILY take some time off from the friendship. Tell him you're sure you can get things back to normal and then you can be friends again. If the guy has deeper feelings he won't let you walk away. If he's a true friend but not interested in more he'll understand and you WILL need that temporary time apart. Yes, you'll miss him a lot, but think of it as serving a greater good and think of it as temporary. Above all, take responsibility for your own feelings, don't make him think you're dumping it all in his lap (with the above he's reassured YOU are dealing with it.)

 

Now, all that said. Scenario 2 worked with a guy I considered my best friend. At first he seemed very taken aback and didn't want to deal with it. The next day he had his arms around me. Go figure. But in the end, unfortunately, it was an all around bad idea. After dating awhile you start falling back into the best friend thing and all the romance goes out. Breaking up romantically also breaks up the friendship. So, just be careful and think hard about what this guy's friendship means to you. Maybe you could date around a little first and then see if the feelings are still there?

 

LT

 

I think you should let time do its thing. Don't forsake your friendship with this guy. If your friendship with your lady friend is so important, give her time to start dating someone else. When she is engrossed in a new realtionship, I'm sure she won't care if you see this guy she likes now. He obviously doesn't care for her that much and nothing will happen...so if she has half a brain she'll get that message sooner or later.

 

Time has a way of working miracles. In the meantime, I hope you will broaden your horizons and date around. I think it's great that you have enough ethics and principles to take your girlfriend's feelings into consideration in your dealing with this guy. That's refreshing today with so many people who just go for whatever they want irrespective of the consequences. If you are meant to be with this man, it will happen.

[LT]

Oh shoot. posted under the wrong msgs...sorry!

Hey. I have a slight problem on my hands. I work with one of my best friends and she likes this guy we work with. Recently she confronted him at a party for my b-day and told him how she felt. They were both pretty drunk at the time but not too bad. He hasn't spoken to her about what happened that night and she's too shy to talk to him. I think she's mainly just embarassed about it-they both are slightly uncomfortable around eachother now at work. I've known the two of them for the same amount of time now-two years or so. I like them both, they're great people...but there is just one thing. I think he likes ME. I think that maybe I like him back...you see my problem? I don't want to do anything about my feelings for him because I'm afraid she'll hate me. I know friends don't trespass against friends. She's liked him for such a long time now and I'd hate to go up to her and say, "oh, now I like him, too!" We both flirt with eachother but not as much when she's around-I don't want to make it obvious. I realize the best thing for me to do would be to just get it out in the open and talk to her about it-but she's so sensitive and I love her to death. Is this potential boyfriend worth losing a best friend over? I don't think so-I value my friendships. However, I see him every weekend at work and we email eachother every day. We really get along. Should I just stop doing this all together? Some help would be great. Thanx!

[Tony T]

My friendships with women have been the most fulfilling of all for me.

 

However, the real heartbreak comes, MOST of the time, when my dearly beloved platonic lady friend becomes romantically involved with someone.

 

MOST of the time, I get at least temporarily written off. It's almost like a break-up. You feel very happy for your female buddy but you don't see her much anymore. I mean everything is there emotionally except the sexual attraction, as a rule. Just depends on the depth of the friendship. I think most men would be lying if they said they didn't have pretty strong feelings for their female platonic friends.

 

The heartbreak intensifys as the platonic lady friend gets engaged and moves onto marriage. A guy friend is EXTRMELY lucky if the lady friend's fiance or husband accepts him. There's a MUCH better chance of that happening if the male friend is seeing someone. That way, the couple can be incorporated into the new situation. If the guy is single and available, chances are fair the lady friend's fiance and/or new husband will be curious, if not a bit weary, of this guy friend. Even then, for a good period of time, the lady usually wants to spend the bulk of her time with her special guy and the new minimized friendship takes some getting used to.

 

If all works out though, when the lady friend has children, all bets are off. Yes, you can call her for seconds at a time now and then but her focus is on her children, in one form or another, for some years to come. And her major friends become other women and couples who have children about the same age. The original friend sort of becomes shut out.

 

It's happened to me and others I know pretty much that way numerous times. I still have a difficult time with it. I guess there are short term and long term friendships, just like relationships, but I like to think of friendships more in terms of permanency.

 

So, right off the bat, when a lady tells me she just wants to be friends, I know the drill. I would think in some ways it would be worse for a female wanting to be friends with a male...but I don't know. Many women, it would be my thought, would not understand the dymnamics of their man wanting to keep a special female friend.

 

I have kept female friends for long periods of times, through marriage, children, etc. but it takes a lot of adjustment and understanding.

[LT]

Yes, Tony, it really does. But the same darn things happen with women/women friendships, honest! One finds a S.O., gets married, has children, and the single female friend is often neglected. But yes, should both people want the friendship to continue, the fiance/husband would probably have less of a problem with an ongoing female/female deep friendship.

 

All that said, and ESPECIALLY in the friends department, it is better to have loved than not have loved at all. No matter how long it lasts, we get something incredibly significant and valuable from opposite-sex/platonic relationships. Since I've developed such friendships I find myself a lot choosier when it comes to dating (I have that "male presence" in my life already so I'm not so quick to want to hook up). I also feel I understand and accept the opposite sex a little bit better. And I think it makes me a better partner; although that said, I've learned I probably make a better friend to a guy than a romantic interest...I'm a lot more "unconditional" in that respect. So ok, I'll work on that.

 

From a female viewpoint, I've found men make wonderful friends because they are, in general, low maintenance. You don't have to call them every day. You don't have to tell them everything. They won't feel hurt if you forget their bday for a day or two. They always pick up right where you left off and rarely sulk. And because they're so different, they provide a different kind of feedback than a female would...They are good to have especially when you need to reconnect to your feelings of worth as a PERSON. I hope guys feel the same way or get at least as much out of it as I do. When some women say they want to be "just friends" they are really offering and asking for something that can be a lot more special than casual (or goal-oriented) dating. Most guys refuse, thinking it's an insult, and that's a shame. But oh well.

 

LT

 

My friendships with women have been the most fulfilling of all for me. However, the real heartbreak comes, MOST of the time, when my dearly beloved platonic lady friend becomes romantically involved with someone.

 

MOST of the time, I get at least temporarily written off. It's almost like a break-up. You feel very happy for your female buddy but you don't see her much anymore. I mean everything is there emotionally except the sexual attraction, as a rule. Just depends on the depth of the friendship. I think most men would be lying if they said they didn't have pretty strong feelings for their female platonic friends. The heartbreak intensifys as the platonic lady friend gets engaged and moves onto marriage. A guy friend is EXTRMELY lucky if the lady friend's fiance or husband accepts him. There's a MUCH better chance of that happening if the male friend is seeing someone. That way, the couple can be incorporated into the new situation. If the guy is single and available, chances are fair the lady friend's fiance and/or new husband will be curious, if not a bit weary, of this guy friend. Even then, for a good period of time, the lady usually wants to spend the bulk of her time with her special guy and the new minimized friendship takes some getting used to. If all works out though, when the lady friend has children, all bets are off. Yes, you can call her for seconds at a time now and then but her focus is on her children, in one form or another, for some years to come. And her major friends become other women and couples who have children about the same age. The original friend sort of becomes shut out. It's happened to me and others I know pretty much that way numerous times. I still have a difficult time with it. I guess there are short term and long term friendships, just like relationships, but I like to think of friendships more in terms of permanency. So, right off the bat, when a lady tells me she just wants to be friends, I know the drill. I would think in some ways it would be worse for a female wanting to be friends with a male...but I don't know. Many women, it would be my thought, would not understand the dymnamics of their man wanting to keep a special female friend. I have kept female friends for long periods of times, through marriage, children, etc. but it takes a lot of adjustment and understanding.

 

[magicklady]

Relationships at work are a bad bad thing.. LOL.. I am partially kidding. I have a friend right now who wants to break up with his girlfriend but she works with him so that makes it much harder to do... Losing friends are never good, but say you date this guy and it doesn't work out.. well then you have lost a good friend, boyfriend, and your work enviroment is going to be very uncomfortable...

 

Good luck!