I can't get over my girlfriend's past.

[kingernest]

We knew each other for a very long time, and became close, but were somewhat distanced. I got angry at her for something she did and I hated her for it. Eventually, months later, we started getting close again and I eventually took her virginity from her. Or so I thought. A few months later she admitted she had had sex one time before - with a guy she had a crush on two weeks before we had sex. She claimed it was a mistake and said she did it because she didn't know/wasn't sure about me and if I was just going flip out on her again and hate her and treat her like **** like I did for those 6 or so months, but that after she had done it, she had felt so awkward and as if she had just made a huge mistake.

 

She didn't tell me because she knew that if I knew, I would have never talked to her again, much less started a relationship with her.

 

Now, we weren't together, but we were beginning to get close again. She admits it was a slutty thing to do, especially doing something with me two weeks later, but she claims I am what she always wanted, and that she wishes her first time really was with me. When people ask her who she lost her virginity to, she says me.

 

Before this I never cared much for the whole idea of virginity. But considering I love her so much, I really wish it would have been me that was the only one to have her.

 

Herein lies the other problem: I ask far too many details. I know its not right of me, but when I get a question in my head, I have to ask. and I usually end up hurting myself, and in turn, our relationship and her. I'll ask stupid details about the day, and she'll claim she just wants to forget about the day and pretend it never happens, but that I make it too difficult by bringing up the past and making her remember again. She claims she didn't enjoy it and that it was awkward, and that I am so much better in everyway. She says it was only for less than 10 minutes that they did what they did, but still. When I saw the piece of **** at a football game, I just about got out of my seat and ripped his head off.

 

and I'm no guardian angel. I had sex with three other girls, and she knows it. It might also be noting that I just turned 19 and she's only 16. I was 18 when she was 16. The age difference hasn't really been a big deal because she looks mature for her age, and acted (well, in all other situations besides this one) maturely. I lost my virginity when i was 16, and have been with about 6 other partners since then, including her. I feel very hypocritical, and she's hurt by my past too, but at least she doesn't have the problem that I do of bringing it back into the picture.

 

I don't think I'm in the right here, but I don't know what to do or how t the **** to get over it. I wish it was as easy as its said, but I can't just forget about it like it never happened. and its hard for me to accept it. I wish I could get one of those things from Eternal Sunshine to erase that part of my mind, or I wish it just would have never happened. It's killing my relationship and I feel like a total pussy and idiot cause of it. How do I fix this? Nothing she says helps.

[kingernest]

I've had other relationships too. I was never cool with it but I never really gave a **** about their past. I just never thought about it. I never compared myself or questioned them. But I think its because I didn't love them as much as I love this girl.

 

Aside from this, our relationship is pretty good. Sometimes she'll give me **** because of my alcohol/drug tendencies (which aren't that bad, but since she doesn't do either, she's not a big fan of me doing them). But we never really get into huge arguments that spark big issues, except for this one.

 

And it usually starts like this:

 

We'll be having a normal conversation. She'll mention something not related to the issue, but somehow I'll connect it to it. It will get me thinking. I'll wonder about it, and then I'll ask a question about it, she'll hesitantly answer (only because if she doesn't she knows I'll assume the worst), and I'll get pissed off and pretty sad.

 

An actual example: Yesterday she asked me what day it was. And I didn't know, but eventually figured out it was 10 months after we first had sex, and 2 months since we've "officially" been together (we were pretty much together this whole time. Committed and all, I just never got around to asking her out until 2 months ago because I had a lot of **** going on). It then got me thinking... and I asked if when she had done what she did, was it on Christmas eve. It turned out it was. Not in the night or anything, and it wasn't on purpose. But apparently they just happened to have hung out that day at his house. She had never done anything with him before. He had tried to kiss her and stuff before, and she rejected. and in this one day, she didn't just kiss him, but went all the way. It wasn't planned or anything. Just one thing lead to another, and she stupidly let it happen. and now she even admits that it was one of the biggest, if not the biggest mistake she's made in her life so far.

[GrayClouds]

 

I don't think I'm in the right here, but I don't know what to do or how t the **** to get over it. I wish it was as easy as its said, but I can't just forget about it like it never happened. and its hard for me to accept it. I wish I could get one of those things from Eternal Sunshine to erase that part of my mind, or I wish it just would have never happened. It's killing my relationship and I feel like a total pussy and idiot cause of it. How do I fix this? Nothing she says helps.

 

Not to be insensitive to your problem, but stop it. What is in the past is in the past, what is important is how she treats you now. But if I was her, I would move on from you. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad, and that is what your doing to her.

 

It is one thing if she cheated on you is another thing if she did it before you. So would it been ok if she did everything but had intercourse? If she gave some guy head? If she got felt up? If she had anal, she would still be a "virgin" whould that be ok? If some guy felt her up deep kissing?

 

Point being you are thinking you were special but now you don't. It is about you and your hurt feelings not her actions. If she is caring for you and wanting to be your girlfriend right now is not enough for you then do here a favor and move on. But be assured, most likely anyone else you ever date will have been with more for guys then one, everyone will have some kind of past. And if you can not get past that, your going to be alone for along time.

 

Good Luck

[Odyssey]

Asking more and more questions about what happened and what she did won't help the relationship. I think you're avoiding the real problem, you! It's not her. She is willing to let your past history slide, why can't you do the same for her's? It's your insecurities that is the issue here...ask yourself this, do you trust her?

 

Don't let your personal issues become a relationship issue.

[Tamia78]

I'm going to chime in here because I'm dealing with this exact same issue. He constantly brings up one incident (NOT cheating) that happened on a vacation I took about 2 weeks after we dated. It really is YOU that's the problem, not her, especially if she's perfectly willing to look over your faults. You got your feelings hurt, and now you have to make her feel bad? What's that about? She already admitted that she did a stupid thing, and apologized...............LET IT GO! If you can't let it go, it's gonna ruin your whole relationship. She doesn't deserve that. Neither one of you needs to go thru that at such a young age. Just let it go.

 

--T

[kingernest]

I'm not what soever proud of myself. And that's the very thing - I KNOW its wrong. I know its messed up for me to think or act this way, and if I was looking at this from an outside perspective, I'd make fun of myself for being a damn wimp. But I can't help it. It's just difficult. I know i'm being immature.

 

Also, I've been with 6 other girls. All of them which had had 1 or even more past relationships. It never bothered me. I understood it was in the past. But again, I didn't care for them as much as I care about this girl. And also, I never even knew them when what happened happened.

 

It's a ****ed up situation.

[Malenfant]

I'm not what soever proud of myself. And that's the very thing - I KNOW its wrong. I know its messed up for me to think or act this way, and if I was looking at this from an outside perspective, I'd make fun of myself for being a damn wimp. But I can't help it. It's just difficult. I know i'm being immature.

 

Also, I've been with 6 other girls. All of them which had had 1 or even more past relationships. It never bothered me. I understood it was in the past. But again, I didn't care for them as much as I care about this girl. And also, I never even knew them when what happened happened.

 

It's a ****ed up situation.

 

only because you are making it into one.

cut her some slack!

and i think its pretty harsh to say she was acting 'slutty' she was just doing what comes naturally to people.

 

relationships are hard enough without arguing about things which happened before.

you keep this up and you will either loose her or you will end up making her feel so bad about herself you'll crush her spirit. neither of these things is what you want.

[kingernest]

Yeah I know. I wish there was just something I could think about when these things come to mind that can make me feel a bit better about the situation.

[GrayClouds]

Yeah I know. I wish there was just something I could think about when these things come to mind that can make me feel a bit better about the situation.

 

When they come to your mind think of a good moment between you and your girl.

 

 

Or think about how you will feel when she gets tired of your obsession and leaves you.

[LuckyYou]

Forgive her and forget about it quickly! I went through a similar situation with my ex. I found about some things that happened before we were "official", things he lied about and such. I never really talked about it with him but I also never trusted him 100% and that right there was the main core of our problems. I had built up resent and whenever I brought it up we would fight. (like I said I never built up the trust because we NEVER sat down and just talked about the problem.) So Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel get it all out in the open and then let it go. Otherwise it will be in the back of your head and it wont ever go away....