9Lives Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Losing the one u love is just painful period. It hurts like a mother. Part of the process. I realize I rather deal with the NC pain than the being friends and watching them with another person pain. Or checking the facebook pain.....you know what I mean? I decided to CHOOSE my pain. Im going with NC pain cause then I cant add to it by letting them hurt me more. 1
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The ironic part is that eventually, no matter what you do, you WILL go NC on this person. A human being can only take so much before you snap out of it, so why waste a few years, good years of your life, jocking someone who isnt interested? Its really so counter productive to your overall happiness its not even funny. NC is litterally ripping the bandaid off at once, instead of picking at it indefinitely. Its get you out of your current mindframe, and forces you to move on from that person. It gives you your freedom and dignity back.
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 You know....i used to believe the whole NC thing.... I tried doing it, forcing myself to push away my ex from my mind, deleting his facebook, etc. It just made it worse....what you resist persists. I finally broke down and sent him a message telling him I miss him as well as re-adding him. After that things have changed drastically. He sent me a message back, cordial, friendly but a definite "im not interested" (i wrote about it here). I had a twinge of pain after that....but then I finally accepted the fact that it is truly over, and it is time to change the way i saw him. He is just another man in this world... he lost all his power....ALL his power, or rather the power of the person i wanted him to be. I sent him a message back, totally friendly and platonic....cuz thats exactly how i planned to see him from then on...and it worked like a charm. After that I went from obsessively looking at his fb (on a mutual's friend facebook) to not even looking at it at all for days at a time. I wrote a few days ago about how sometimes i feel how its not really over, given the way we broke up...and that got me thinking whether i even want him back....I dont...at all....IM CURED! and all because I broke NC! i didnt give him that power over me!!!! So....maybe it might work for some folks...but if you find yourself obsessing over them while in NC.....you might want to rethink that....
Author 9Lives Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 You know....i used to believe the whole NC thing.... I tried doing it, forcing myself to push away my ex from my mind, deleting his facebook, etc. It just made it worse....what you resist persists. I finally broke down and sent him a message telling him I miss him as well as re-adding him. After that things have changed drastically. He sent me a message back, cordial, friendly but a definite "im not interested" (i wrote about it here). I had a twinge of pain after that....but then I finally accepted the fact that it is truly over, and it is time to change the way i saw him. He is just another man in this world... he lost all his power....ALL his power, or rather the power of the person i wanted him to be. I sent him a message back, totally friendly and platonic....cuz thats exactly how i planned to see him from then on...and it worked like a charm. After that I went from obsessively looking at his fb (on a mutual's friend facebook) to not even looking at it at all for days at a time. I wrote a few days ago about how sometimes i feel how its not really over, given the way we broke up...and that got me thinking whether i even want him back....I dont...at all....IM CURED! and all because I broke NC! i didnt give him that power over me!!!! So....maybe it might work for some folks...but if you find yourself obsessing over them while in NC.....you might want to rethink that.... NC is not MEANT to be a game. It is strictly for healing...that it. It is the best way to move on when you know it wont work and it is over. ANY other reason and you will play yourself. That what it sounds like you did here. I am not doing NC to get my ex back. I have to accept what has happen and completely let go. NC is then best so you dont continue to add to the pain of the break up especially if you did not want it anyway. There is nothing wrong with it if you do it the way it was meant to be done. Its not a joke
AliveAndKicking Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 At the end of the day NC is where we seem to end up, huh? I went back for numerous emotional beat-downs. I guess that is what it took (for me) to finally beat into my not-so-swift brain that all hope was gone and that there was nothing I could possible do to rectify the situation. I would never suggest doing it the way I did it. I now know that NC is the most direct route to healing. If I had it to do all over again I would have bypassed the back-and-forth and attempts at "friends" and came directly to NC. People are gonna do what they want to do no matter what is suggested (and sometimes preached) but at the end of the day? NC... Just plain old no-frills No Contact FTW!
WTRanger Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) For some odd reason, removing an ex on Facebook is incredibly hard for some people. Me? I just hit remove friend. Done. Over. I actually felt quite powerful after doing it. I showed I was in control of my own Self. Sometimes I wish or think about re-adding them. But then I realize what I would do to myself at this current stage. I had to face the fact that there was no way I could have that much self control not to click on her profile in a fit of self pity and completely reset my progress. Sure, I could have hid her news feed. But I could still click on her profile. No way, not right now. As CaliGuy's NC guide says, "There is no way you can handle that kind of information now, so don't go looking for it." Who knows what the future holds. Maybe we will reconnect as friends, but for now NC is the way and the only way because it is about me and my progress to heal myself. Edited November 4, 2009 by WTRanger
weltrav Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I feel just like you 9lives. I'm trying the NC route even though she wants to be friends again. That would simply be too painful, especially with them seeing new people. I have not deleted her FB yet though. Haven't decided about that yet. But yeah, go for the NC as opposed to the 'friends' -- it would be too painful and too awkward. I've looked at texts and emails going back and forth between my ex and I from when we were friends and they have a certain chemistry and frivolity that cannot just be gotten back to. This is how I kind of look at it, I told my ex that we still had a chemistry and connection for us to try to see if we could rekindle our romantic relationship, and she disagreed. Well on the opposite end, she told me that we could still have the connection of our past friendship, and I must do the same as she and disagree. Basically it comes down to two people wanting different things I guess... and it hurts bad
DustySaltus Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I believe that everyone breaks NC at least once after they break up with their EX. It could be a few days later (if you're trying to get them back), a few months later (thinking things have changed) or years (You think you are better equipped to handle them or just plain curious). 99.5% of the time it's a complete disaster and most of us will just leave it alone at that point. Either they met someone else or worse.....are completely INDIFFERENT. Indifference is the worst. I remember when my ex-fiance and I broke up my aunt became very ill. I broke NC and told her that I was thinking about the important things and that I knew we could find a way to get past our issues. I asked her if she still loved me and she said no. I mean what did I expect, we did have a really bad breakup and she has bpd. I should've just left it alone. There are so many good people out there, we need to broaden our horizons. NC allows us to do that. I allows us to become ourselves again and march to our own beat.....not be wound up like one of those monkey toys with the cymbals in their hands lol.
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 NC is not MEANT to be a game. It is strictly for healing...that it. It is the best way to move on when you know it wont work and it is over. ANY other reason and you will play yourself. That what it sounds like you did here. I am not doing NC to get my ex back. I have to accept what has happen and completely let go. NC is then best so you dont continue to add to the pain of the break up especially if you did not want it anyway. There is nothing wrong with it if you do it the way it was meant to be done. Its not a joke I dont think i meant for it to be a joke, trust me the pain of letting go of the one person I loved and thought loved me at some point was anything but funny WHen i first deleted him i felt "powerful", like, "ill show you!" and "im so strong to cut him off like that" Then i realize that first, he could care less whether i deleted him from facebook or contact him...in fact he probably pitied me because i had to go to such drastic measures to get over him. Then, I wavered between feeling strong and independent to pitiful and pathetic. Especially because i would come here and whine about how much i miss him and write him long messages that he will never see (thank god). NC was always on my mind, no matter what i did....like everything i did i had to rethink to see if it could be seen as me trying to contact him or not. (as in if i posted something on a friends fb page or wrote a quote i liked on my gmail status) After the failed attempt at reconnecting its not even a problem anymore. Then again I must also add that its been over 2 months since the break up so I might be a little far down the road and it doesnt sting as much. That and Ive been down this road so many times that I knew from the get go i was gonna get over it no matter how much i loved him...i just wanted it to be right away. That is not to say that i dont love the guy....i still think he is great and by far the best boyfriend ive ever had, but he isnt the guy for me, nor am i the girl for him. Its just that simple. It doesnt take anything from him or me...it just is. If he had been a total jerk i would not think twice about cutting him off from my life, but since he didnt, he is just one more of the awesome people ive met throughout my life. Might not be active in my life, but i dont have any need to cut him off.... Maybe just me.... In any case, my point was that you cannot follow rules blindly....not one thing works for everyone.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Maybe just me.... In any case, my point was that you cannot follow rules blindly....not one thing works for everyone. Nowhere in your original post above did I pick up ANY indication that you were treating anything as a "game" or a "joke". In fact I went back and re-read your post to see what I missed. I didn't miss anything. Me thinks someone perhaps doth protest too much... I know exacty what you were trying to express in your original post as I experienced something very similar. While there was certainly a yo-yo thing going on with my ex and I over a long period of time the last time was much like you experienced; It changed me entire perspective on my situation and it truly felt as if a weight was lifted off my chest. While do believe that NC is more often than not the quickest and most direct route to healing it does not mean that it is the ONLY route. In my case I was able to detach with a feeling of peace, free from hatred and resentment, as I had gotten a few answers to some very important questions, as well as developw a much clearer understanding of where the line between my ex and myself lies, as many lines were blurred due to the unhealthy nature of the relationship. We all tend to think that our situation is very unique to us but most often there are many common threads. There are various dynamics at play and there most certainly are no hard and fast "rules" as to how to arrive at peace and healing. Detaching is a process rather than an event and sometimes it is better to allow that process to unfold in it's own time rather than clinging desperately to "white-knuckle"absinance aka NC. But what the hell do I know, right? I know this: I am relatively happy, I look forward to each day, and while I have spent a good many years in an emotionally abusive relationship I like myself, I am dong well, and I received a clean bill of mental health from my therapist after extensive testing. I must have done something right along the way.
soheartbroken Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 AAK: Could you elaborate on the "clean bill of health from my therapist after extensive testing"? Just curious.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) AAK: Could you elaborate on the "clean bill of health from my therapist after extensive testing"? Just curious. Sure thing! I began therapy as I was involved in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I had many accusations thrown at me throughout the course of my relationship that left me questioning my memory of certain events and left me in question of my own sanity at times. I insisted that I be tested for mental disorders even though my therapist did not feel it was needed. I was tested and interviewed extensively and the results are in: I have no mental illness/personality disorders. No personality disorder(s) but I do have "mild to moderate depression". Hell- I didn't need a test to figure THAT part out! My therapist said that given my relationship history I'm in remarkably good shape. What a relief! My depression is lifting as of late and thus far I have chosen to not take any anti-depressants. I had been considering it but as I said I'm doing MUCH better these days. I feel like I have a new lease on life! I hope I answered your question. If you have any other questions feel free. Edited November 5, 2009 by AliveAndKicking typo correction
Recommended Posts