Working through your rage after not being chosen

[ADF]

Please tell me it doesn't last long.

 

I thought I was doing better, and even told MM to leave me alone.

 

Then I snapped and spent the bulk of the day raging on him through a barrage of texts. I said it all - how I wondered how long he knew he was going to dump me and how long was he able to lie to my face about it, how he probably has a new OW already, how I hated him for turning me into this person. It just unleashed.

 

Then last night I sent a final text saying the following:

 

Heres how it is. I am in Miami and going out with friends. Tomorrow when I wake up, you will still be happily married to your gorgeous wife(LS friends - thats a dig because she is undisputably a beast to look at. Like I said, I was raging), and you wont matter to me anymore. I will have moved on. Enjoy!

 

I also was working on some business stuff for me, that he paid me for, but it occured to me that why should all of my hard work go to benefit him and his beast of a wife? I told him for him to ask me for the final work shows he has no conscience, and while he was at it, why not ask me to tell her how to give a proper blow job?

 

Full Of Rage.

 

I feel better this morning. Still angry, still sad, but I just fear an attack of rage will come back.

 

To you OW - after youve been dismissed and you have your moment with your MM about it, do you continue the anger with him? Or does it go away? I hate to think this will happen again.

 

One way to deal with the rage is to realize most MM will choose their wives over their OW in most cases. Not because they like their wives better, but because staying with their wives is just easier. Often, people just do what is easiest for them, regardless of how it affects anyone else.

 

Just avoid repeats of this painful experience, you might also want to keep in mind any man capable of carrying on a relationship with another woman while married is, by definition, a liar and a con artist. Liars and con artists lie to and con EVERYONE, not just some people.

[Chrome Barracuda]

its funny. I wanted him to be mine for months. And now thats it over, I have to think I was crazy to want someone like him. And I know his W knows about his affairs, and it makes me pity her, because I have to think how horrible it must be for her to know he was dogging around and that hes going to do it again. That must be terrible to live with.

 

But doesnt that make you also a hypocrite? Think about it. It was okay to be an OW and be his side piece. but yet you pity the wife for being married to him once you stop believing the lies. But you slept with him and he was married!!! But no one put a gun to your head. What you did, was out of your own free will.

 

Terrible to live with but yet, you was the one who wanted him to. So I call your mental stability into question as well...

[Alpha Female]

I'm just surprised that you were surprised...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yah me to! ha ha. I always had a thought in the back of my mind that he would wimp out, but I chose not to work towards that outcome. But your right. All things considered, I would say Im more disappointed, than really surprised. I think its the way he swore over and over and over he was going to leave and wed be together thats the stunning part. Its not like it was a casual conversation. He would talk about our future every day, and would reconfirm his "commitment" to leaving his W and being with me. Thats the killer part. How many times he lied about it.

[NoIDidn't]

Then, alpha, be disappointed in you like you say you are.

 

All of this raging that you guys are writing about is exactly why the stereotype of the psycho-OW exists. The MM can show his friends the texts that were sent in anger and suddenly your sanity is in question. Just like during the affair the MM lets the OW hear an angry message from the W (text or VM) and it paints her as the "evil" W.

 

This is pretty petty and it doesn't really help you get through the disappointment at all. You should deal with the fact that you let yourself down by not trusting your own gut instead of raging at him.

 

Raging goes completely against my motto of never let them know they got to you. When you fail to respond to what was meant as an FU from them, it makes them the person that does all the wondering - not you. When you do the raging thing, it gives them power over you via your thoughts and actions.

 

I get it that he used you. I don't know why you feel that you are also punishing his W by withholding something for this event from him, especially in light of your saying that you didn't say vows to her (you also weren't being used by her) so I find that odd that you feel you need to punish the person you claim to have had nothing to do with. The angry text only confirm for him that he had you at hello. Do you really want him to get that smug smile that he had you? I know its too late now, but try not to give him that satisfaction next time.

[Alpha Female]

One way to deal with the rage is to realize most MM will choose their wives over their OW in most cases. Not because they like their wives better, but because staying with their wives is just easier. Often, people just do what is easiest for them, regardless of how it affects anyone else.

 

Yes your so right. I now see that complacency can override love. My MM was quite honest that hes simply to weak to leave. Its easier to stay and serially cheat, than force change. I am quite sure he will be entrenched in a new affair soon enough. Seems to be the only way he can make his M tolerable.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes your so right. I now see that complacency can override love. My MM was quite honest that hes simply to weak to leave. Its easier to stay and serially cheat, than force change. I am quite sure he will be entrenched in a new affair soon enough. Seems to be the only way he can make his M tolerable.

 

It is an error to think that serial cheats do so to make their marriages tolerable. They do so because they are cheats and they can always find willing partners.

 

Believe me, I know. My dad is a serial cheat, who, when my stepmom left him, BEGGED her to stay.

 

I didn't realize that your guy was a serial cheat. You never stood a chance. Don't waste your energy raging over him.

[Alpha Female]

It is an error to think that serial cheats do so to make their marriages tolerable. They do so because they are cheats and they can always find willing partners.

 

Believe me, I know. My dad is a serial cheat, who, when my stepmom left him, BEGGED her to stay.

 

I didn't realize that your guy was a serial cheat. You never stood a chance. Don't waste your energy raging over him.

 

I really disagree with this. I think MP that cheat do so for a lot of reasons - things missing in their M (sex, companionship, shared interests, boredom, etc.), and insecurity within themselves. For whatever reason they are cheating, the affair does make their M more tolerable, otherwise they wouldnt be doing it to begin with. I don't think that happily married people have affairs.

 

Your Dad begged her to stay because he was afraid of being alone. Not because he really loved her or had a happy life with her he was trying to preserve.

 

I think when MP decide to stay in their M, its because they are 1) too weak to leave 2) finances 3) fear of the unknown.

 

I honestly dont believe a MP who has had an affair, or affairs, will ever be happy going back to their M, much as I think a BS is crazy to think theyd ever be happy after finding out about an A.

 

People stay in bad M's and bad situations for a lot of reasons, and I dont think true love is ever the reason.

[Snowflower]

I think when MP decide to stay in their M, its because they are 1) too weak to leave 2) finances 3) fear of the unknown.

 

I honestly dont believe a MP who has had an affair, or affairs, will ever be happy going back to their M, much as I think a BS is crazy to think theyd ever be happy after finding out about an A.

 

People stay in bad M's and bad situations for a lot of reasons, and I dont think true love is ever the reason.

 

AF, are you/were you a MP? If not, how can you possibly know this?

 

Then what you post here again practically screams the question...why do so many MP beg to stay when their BS finds out about the affair and tells the WS to hit the road and go be with their 'true love' AP? Or to go find happiness on their own?

 

I packed my husband's bags for him and told him to go have a happy life with her...while he stood there in our bedroom begging me to stop. Hmmm....

[Alpha Female]

I packed my husband's bags for him and told him to go have a happy life with her...while he stood there in our bedroom begging me to stop. Hmmm....

 

So are you trying to say that your husband loved you so much even though he cheated on you with someone else? That hs begging you to stay meant that he truly loved you? Please.

 

I still contend that a MP who cheats does so to make their marriage tolerable. And I think they end up sticking around with the W because of fear of financial ruin or fear of being alone or for the children.

 

A lot of people believe its best to be with anyone, even if its someone they had no problem betraying and cheating on and clearly had no respect for to begin with. Thats why many people serially cheat and why so much BS turn a blind eye and stay married to the cheat. Same weaknesses.

[Snowflower]

So are you trying to say that your husband loved you so much even though he cheated on you with someone else? That hs begging you to stay meant that he truly loved you? Please.

 

 

Yup! I'm saying exactly that...my husband loved me. And take that statement as you will.

 

And he had no desire to be with his OW...the grass was definitely not greener.

[Alpha Female]

Yup! I'm saying exactly that...my husband loved me. And take that statement as you will.

 

And he had no desire to be with his OW...the grass was definitely not greener.

 

If your idea of him truly loving you was for him to cheat on you, lie to you, and betray you, then I wish you well with love. And if he cheated on you without you knowing, rest assured he could do it again quite easily.

 

Anyway, back to the TOPIC and not some BS angst that is unrelated - ha ha, I have worked through my rage to a large degree. I think raging on him all Tuesday as I did really did the trick. I feel like I got it all out. Im lucky that way, as I understand a lot of OW never have that chance.

 

I also was able to send him the final closure message and told him to stop contacting me forever.

 

Now I am moving on, and though I am sad and miss having someone in my life, I am very glad its no longer him, and I am glad he revealed his true character so early, rather than make me hang in for months and years while he continued to tell me lies of his leaving her plans.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good for you AF! Sounds like the next step is figuring out why you were attracted to a serial cheater so that you don't make that mistake again. I'm not talking MM here but someone who is otherwise unavailable emotionally or incapable of being fulfilled by one person. Do the work that will avoid this type of situation in the future. It should be easy, as you already seem to have the knowledge you need.

 

If your idea of him truly loving you was for him to cheat on you, lie to you, and betray you, then I wish you well with love. And if he cheated on you without you knowing, rest assured he could do it again quite easily.

 

A lot of people believe its best to be with anyone, even if its someone they had no problem betraying and cheating on and clearly had no respect for to begin with. Thats why many people serially cheat and why so much BS turn a blind eye and stay married to the cheat. Same weaknesses.

 

People stay in bad M's and bad situations for a lot of reasons, and I dont think true love is ever the reason.

 

My MM was quite honest that hes simply to weak to leave. Its easier to stay and serially cheat, than force change. I am quite sure he will be entrenched in a new affair soon enough. Seems to be the only way he can make his M tolerable.

 

I think its the way he swore over and over and over he was going to leave and wed be together thats the stunning part. Its not like it was a casual conversation. He would talk about our future every day, and would reconfirm his "commitment" to leaving his W and being with me. Thats the killer part. How many times he lied about it.

 

Yep, you've got a great understanding of the dynamics of a R with someone like this, and that should hopefully make it possible to avoid a SG with similar issues. Their tons of those out there also. Good Luck.

[herenow]

Wow, AF, you have been hurt real bad. Your pain is clear and I'm so sorry this experience has left you so bitter. I wish you well in your effort to get the rage out of your system before it completely destroys you.

 

IMO, the key is to be happy with yourself. Be able to know that you are the best person you can be. Be kind and generous with others and considerate of humanity in general. Then, IMO, you will be able to form healthy and happy relationships. I wish you luck.

[Snowflower]

 

I think when MP decide to stay in their M, its because they are 1) too weak to leave 2) finances 3) fear of the unknown.

 

I honestly dont believe a MP who has had an affair, or affairs, will ever be happy going back to their M, much as I think a BS is crazy to think theyd ever be happy after finding out about an A.

 

People stay in bad M's and bad situations for a lot of reasons, and I dont think true love is ever the reason.

 

If your idea of him truly loving you was for him to cheat on you, lie to you, and betray you, then I wish you well with love. And if he cheated on you without you knowing, rest assured he could do it again quite easily.

 

Anyway, back to the TOPIC and not some BS angst that is unrelated - ha ha,

 

AF, you made a gross generalization that all MP stay in their marriages for certain reasons...love generally not being one of them.

 

This is your opinion...my opinion is different...I think relationships and emotions are not that simple. I offered my situation as proof that my reality was different...trying to show that all marriages, APs, BS, and OW/OM are unique.

 

Then you decide to bash my situation in an attempt to cause pain...saying it is BS angst when I offer a different viewpoint. Fine...if it makes you feel better to bash me then go for it. Just remember, I wasn't the BW in your situation.

 

I'm sorry for your pain...we are all human and the pain we all feel is similar, no matter what side of the 'infidelity fence' we are on. It's sad that you can't empathize with mine.

[Alpha Female]

Wow, AF, you have been hurt real bad. Your pain is clear and I'm so sorry this experience has left you so bitter. I wish you well in your effort to get the rage out of your system before it completely destroys you.

 

IMO, the key is to be happy with yourself. Be able to know that you are the best person you can be. Be kind and generous with others and considerate of humanity in general. Then, IMO, you will be able to form healthy and happy relationships. I wish you luck.

 

Yes I was very hurt. But Ive truly moved beyond the rage, as I mentioned a few times since my OP. I took the opportunity to tell him everything I thought of him for lying to me, and even if he read the messages and promptly deleted them rolling his eyes, I dont care. I did it for me, and for my own sanity. I purged the hate and the anger directly at the person who caused the pain.

 

I dont feel bitter, only disappointed and sad, yet also like someone slapped some sense into me. What was I thinking? I know the answer. He was someone I never thought Id fall for, and it snuck up on me and got out of hand.

 

Its over. Were over. And Ive had my closure and my moment to tell him what I thought of him and how he made me feel. It was very liberating. ha ha

 

I actually had a thought this morning about how it would be nice to meet someone wonderful who is single.

 

To answer my own question, Id say the way to work through the rage is to embrace it and confront it. Own it, and then release it.

[Alpha Female]

Good for you AF! Sounds like the next step is figuring out why you were attracted to a serial cheater so that you don't make that mistake again. I'm not talking MM here but someone who is otherwise unavailable emotionally or incapable of being fulfilled by one person. Do the work that will avoid this type of situation in the future. It should be easy, as you already seem to have the knowledge you need.

 

Yep, you've got a great understanding of the dynamics of a R with someone like this, and that should hopefully make it possible to avoid a SG with similar issues. Their tons of those out there also. Good Luck.

 

Yes that is the next step, though I kind of have an answer to that to.

 

He was someone I had no interest in romantically when we met. I was in a spot in my life of extreme vulnerablity emotionally over some personal and professional setbacks. I was feeling weak and worn out. He was an easy and available choice without me really having to be "that present." I was able to rely on him for my emotional and sexual needs, without having to deal with all the typical trappings of a real relationship - like working on the relationship or spending lengthy periods of time with each other. He would provide me comfort and then leave so I could do the things I needed to. He made me feel loved without me really having to give that much. For the time we had, it worked.

 

I dont make a habit of having affairs, nor did I expect this to be much of anything, honestly. My friends all knew what I was dealing with in my personal life, so when we met, they genuinely encouraged the affair. Only because they also believed he wasnt someone who could fulfill me long-term, but that he was a great stop gap during a trying period.

 

Id never go through this again. Im mad at myself for letting it go this far, but luckily it was only a few months, and not years of my life.

 

Thanks for the comment.

[Heather1]

Hopefully I can empathize with both BS & Alpha.

 

One of the things I pretty much figured on going in was that I was going to get hurt, and I took the risk. I'd been friends w/ OM for a year. I have to admit, I'll take my lumps if it means not making 7 other people, and our extended families, a train wreck.

 

Not all people get into A because their M is a wreck. Mine was off track, but I love my H & he's my best friend. Off track? yes....no love or anything from the gate? no. Who would I choose if someone made me make a choice? My H. I love them both, but my life is with him & my kids. Anything else is fantasyland. Not all A are from being miserable in the M. Situations in life happen, we're human. If someone's to blame, it's us for getting in the situation in the first place w/ eyes wide open. No lies were told at the start, we all know what it is.

 

My Dad was a serial cheater, and who knows what he told women. When my Mom finally had enough and kicked him out, he moved in w/ girlfriend du jour telling her that HE ended it. She couldn't get rid of him! She wrote a long letter to my Mom after their relationship ended too. You'll have no idea what his w goes through, unless you're in her shoes & then you'll see how he really is. You kind of are.

 

I might be stuck with a genetic wire crossed, but I'm not a serial cheater & I will NEVER do this again! It's been so painful!! And I love my H.

[Impudent Oyster]

So are you trying to say that your husband loved you so much even though he cheated on you with someone else? That hs begging you to stay meant that he truly loved you? Please.

 

I still contend that a MP who cheats does so to make their marriage tolerable. And I think they end up sticking around with the W because of fear of financial ruin or fear of being alone or for the children.

 

A lot of people believe its best to be with anyone, even if its someone they had no problem betraying and cheating on and clearly had no respect for to begin with. Thats why many people serially cheat and why so much BS turn a blind eye and stay married to the cheat. Same weaknesses.

 

People cheat because of issues within themselves, it has NOTHING to do with their partner and whether they love them or not.

 

When someone doesn't love their partner or is very unhappy with their marriage.................................they get divorced.

[Impudent Oyster]

Please tell me it doesn't last long.

 

I thought I was doing better, and even told MM to leave me alone.

 

Then I snapped and spent the bulk of the day raging on him through a barrage of texts. I said it all - how I wondered how long he knew he was going to dump me and how long was he able to lie to my face about it, how he probably has a new OW already, how I hated him for turning me into this person. It just unleashed.

 

Then last night I sent a final text saying the following:

 

Heres how it is. I am in Miami and going out with friends. Tomorrow when I wake up, you will still be happily married to your gorgeous wife(LS friends - thats a dig because she is undisputably a beast to look at. Like I said, I was raging), and you wont matter to me anymore. I will have moved on. Enjoy!

 

I also was working on some business stuff for me, that he paid me for, but it occured to me that why should all of my hard work go to benefit him and his beast of a wife? I told him for him to ask me for the final work shows he has no conscience, and while he was at it, why not ask me to tell her how to give a proper blow job?

 

Full Of Rage.

 

I feel better this morning. Still angry, still sad, but I just fear an attack of rage will come back.

 

To you OW - after youve been dismissed and you have your moment with your MM about it, do you continue the anger with him? Or does it go away? I hate to think this will happen again.

 

Did he answer your barrage of raging text messages?

 

Or was he too busy getting a restraining order?

[Impudent Oyster]

Sorry, I dont agree with this at all.

 

Your saying that since I knowingly got involved with a MM, that I deserved to be lied to? That I deserved to have him make promises that he would break?

 

Not buying it.

 

I had an affair with a MM about 10 years ago that lasted almost a year. He never once told me he was leaving his W, he never once told me he loved me, and he never once made me promises he ended up breaking.

 

Just because we get involved with married people doesnt mean we should expect nor deserve to be lied to. Being a cheat is one thing, but being a liar is another.

 

It's the SAME THING.

 

Deserve to be lied to? Maybe not.

 

Expect to be lied to? Most definitely.

[Alpha Female]

Not all A are from being miserable in the M.

 

Very true, but Ive never heard a story about a happily married person who was cheating.

 

I am pleased to hear you have seen the light and love your H and are making it work. Im sure you went through a lot to get to this point. A happy ending!

[Impudent Oyster]

Very true, but Ive never heard a story about a happily married person who was cheating.

 

I am pleased to hear you have seen the light and love your H and are making it work. Im sure you went through a lot to get to this point. A happy ending!

 

In the grand scheme of things, one meaningless affair does not break a strong marriage.

 

There are a lot bigger hurdles to overcome in life, unfortunately.

[carhill]

I experienced the rage (and resultant depression) of 'not being chosen' over the 'loser H' and the emotions from that dynamic haunted me for many years. It wasn't until recently, reconnecting with that person, that I came to understand that the H wasn't such a loser and the W, now exW, had her own very significant issues which played into the marital dynamic and resultant divorce. In a way, this realization provided me with closure and acceptance; acceptance of my own faults as well as hers.

[Alpha Female]

I experienced the rage (and resultant depression) of 'not being chosen' over the 'loser H' and the emotions from that dynamic haunted me for many years. It wasn't until recently, reconnecting with that person, that I came to understand that the H wasn't such a loser and the W, now exW, had her own very significant issues which played into the marital dynamic and resultant divorce. In a way, this realization provided me with closure and acceptance; acceptance of my own faults as well as hers.

 

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. I am sure knowing she was more flawed than you thought originally helped put it to bed for you.

 

I think this whole thing would have been far worse for me if I wasnt given the closure I was.

 

In a lot of ways, knowing my x-MM's W as I do, supports him telling me how he feels he doesnt deserve me and that he knows he wouldnt be able to be the man I would want him to be and that he knows he would have a better life with me, but he doesnt think he can produce.

 

I do know that my x-MM has a lot of issues, for sure. He battles extremely low self-esteem, and readily admits that is why he lacks the courage to leave his M. With his W, she pays all the bills, and he doesnt need to accomplish anything. She likes him being financially dependent, as she knows if he is, he cant leave her. and she has pretty much orchestrated things so that has come to pass over the years. She does all she can to thwart his career success to the point that I have seen her insult his potential employers and embarrass him professionally so that he cant move on with his career. She knew I was helping him improve his business and she kept telling him it was a stupid idea, he would fail, he was wasting his time, etc. These are things I heard her tell him. I was astonished at her lack of support but again, it makes sense as it serves her purpose to keep him beholden, and he is so bashed from her after all these years its easier for him to give up.

 

So like you, I have been privvy to their dynamic through personal experience, but not from what he told me about her. And it all makes sense. She has conditioned him to think hes a loser so that he wont think enough of himself that hes worth more than her and then get his life together enough to leave her. Its pretty sick when you think about it, but I agree that there is often a sinister dynamic at work that isnt always readily obvious, and it cant always be blamed on just one person in the M.

[someonesangel]

AF

 

Interesting thread and while I don't agree with all the negative, I totally get where you are coming from.

 

Much like you, even before my A I couldn't not understand how people could forgive a Affair.

 

I do understand a One night stand, even a one or two day adrenaline rush but an Affair.... not a chance.

 

And after my Affair, I can say that not only did I learn that I still believe the same, but more important that there is good reason for it.

 

SOME will reconcile with a husband, but the odds are in favor of the WS continuing to lie, cheat and participate in the Marriage the way they always have, affairs are often referred to the likeness of addiction..... so if you are going with that.... you must also see the HIGH probability of cheating again. It isn't being mean to BS, simply real.

 

I don't think every reconciliation is based on fear of the unknown, but I do believe the majority are and I also believe that many don't really want to face the lies that were told because THAT and THOSE are the things they should have most issue with.

 

If someone loves you, they RESPECT you, and lying through a multi month, year or several betrayals shows that they are not capable.

 

So many do recovery and many don't.... and just as many are in false recovery believing they are recovered. Might not be great or popular but that is the truth.

 

And, I am not bitter... long past the anger stage, simply looking at reality. People can say " no it isn't like that", etc etc.

 

But like everyone OW said here

 

My MM came back after NC

 

My MM has continued to lie to his wife regarding the C

 

He lied to her directly relating to seeing me

 

And

 

While we have not had sex, we have been intimate on two occasions.

 

I also believe if he had a willing " no expectations" participant, he would go back into an affair because he does love me. I will not go into hiding nor will I get involved until he is out.... so not only do I have expectations, but they have increased and it isn't making him very happy.

 

And I believe with all my heart he will do one of two things.

 

Eventually separate

 

Stay and eventually, 6 months or a year down the road start looking to have the feeling/emotions/connection we had met by another.

 

Does she know? Not a clue, and most likely never will.... because the bottom line, if she wanted to, she would. We have had multiple hour plus phone calls, were yet again out in public and there are many easy ways for her to see it, if she truly wanted to look.

Edited November 7, 2009 by someonesangel