Working through your rage after not being chosen

[carhill]

I am sure knowing she was more flawed than you thought originally helped put it to bed for you.

 

In a way, yes; also, it was the clarity of seeing and accepting the past and my role as a pedestal-builder as the impetus for the largely unhealthy dynamic which existed between us. Essentially, as you shared about the MM's, she didn't feel she was worthy of my love and pushed me away. Prior, that was the shocking death knell to all the pedestal building I was doing, with all the attendant negative emotions but, more recently, it was the pathway to acceptance. I can still love and accept that this particular love is not healthy for me, right now.

 

The weird thing is, even a half a world away, I can still feel her, and accept that feeling for what it is, part of my path. So, even when it causes me pain, I know the alternative, the end of feelings, death, is a far more ominous and permanent path. IMO, it's all part of that wonderful experience of life

[Alpha Female]

SOME will reconcile with a husband, but the odds are in favor of the WS continuing to lie, cheat and participate in the Marriage the way they always have, affairs are often referred to the likeness of addiction..... so if you are going with that.... you must also see the HIGH probability of cheating again. It isn't being mean to BS, simply real.

 

This is so very true. I have to say that every MM I have ever known that has cheated on his W, Im talking friends, relatives, etc., has admitted to me that they have had multiple affairs. Even if their W found out about one, they would lay low, and then start up again.

 

Even my x-MM was like this. He had a year long EA (physical once) with a woman at work. His W was told by someone at work that it was highly suspected he was having an affair. His W went and confronted the OW. Both MM and OW denied it, of course. 6 months later, he and I got involved. And now that we are over, I am more than sure within a few months, he will be involved with another OW.

 

His W clearly knows hes cheating now, as he did in the past, but shes willing to tolerate it out of her own desperation. Thats her problem. And his.

 

I think people stay in bad marriages for a lot of reasons. Not all bad marriages include infidelity, but all bad marriages certainly include the lack of respect you mentioned.

 

Im both blessed and sad I was able to come to all these conclusions this week. Blessed in that I finally have clarity on what a liar he is, and what a dishonorable man he is, but sad that I did love him, and I know there is no going back. Ive never been good with real finality in anything in life. I always like the door left ajar.

[Alpha Female]

And I believe with all my heart he will do one of two things.

 

Eventually separate

 

Stay and eventually, 6 months or a year down the road start looking to have the feeling/emotions/connection we had met by another.

 

Does she know? Not a clue, and most likely never will.... because the bottom line, if she wanted to, she would. We have had multiple hour plus phone calls, were yet again out in public and there are many easy ways for her to see it, if she truly wanted to look.

 

Yes, I agree. Same with my MM. I do know in my heart of hearts that he loves me dearly. I know he is wrecked over our affair ending. I know he is a mess. And I can outline the same options for my MM as you. Either he leaves, or will start a new affair in a few months. Im banking on the latter, as I know hes not very strong, despite being a mess right now.

 

And I agree that a lot of BS turn their heads out of choice. I had this conversation with my Mother recently. She has been married for 52 years. And I told her if I knew Dad ever cheated, I would tell her. And she flipped out telling me she would never want to know. I think some BS are so weak, theyd rather live in denial than confront the truth, as you said.

 

In a way, yes; also, it was the clarity of seeing and accepting the past and my role as a pedestal-builder as the impetus for the largely unhealthy dynamic which existed between us. Essentially, as you shared about the MM's, she didn't feel she was worthy of my love and pushed me away. Prior, that was the shocking death knell to all the pedestal building I was doing, with all the attendant negative emotions but, more recently, it was the pathway to acceptance. I can still love and accept that this particular love is not healthy for me, right now.

 

The weird thing is, even a half a world away, I can still feel her, and accept that feeling for what it is, part of my path. So, even when it causes me pain, I know the alternative, the end of feelings, death, is a far more ominous and permanent path. IMO, it's all part of that wonderful experience of life

 

You have a great attitude. And I agree. I do love my former MM, but also acknowledge it is a very unhealthy love. He told me last weekend that he wished he met me when he was finally divorced, and all this mess was behind him. But I dont think it would make a difference. He would still be the same weak-willed person, and your AP would still be the same flawed woman. Married or single, we are the same people.

 

I guess maybe we both have more to learn even as a post-mortem, from our aborted affairs, yes?

[carhill]

I personally feel that most people grow and change with life and life experience. Some aspects of ourselves remain immutable, but we can evolve who we are in relation to the world and its people.

 

Accepting the wide range of perspectives on LS has helped me put a construct to that rage and accept it for what it is; a response to the decades of hurt. The harder part is accepting all of the wasted time I put into that dynamic. The raging at myself. Trying to find a modicum of success in the failure.

 

TBH, if not for walking the path, I would never have come to the realization of what is expressed in my signature; a truism which I'll never want to succeed at

[someonesangel]

This is so very true. I have to say that every MM I have ever known that has cheated on his W, Im talking friends, relatives, etc., has admitted to me that they have had multiple affairs. Even if their W found out about one, they would lay low, and then start up again.

 

 

And my experience as well. One of two things have happened. They continue for years to cheat, get better at it or the BS gets more complacent ( I am not sure which) or they divorce and have a chance at IC and not repeating behaviors.

 

Even as a young child/early teen I can still recall my neighbor getting new furniture and a car... Why, because he had "done it" again.

 

I said somewhere early my thoughts on it being similar to any close relationship in your life, similar to siblings who need to part in order to love each other. Very often, the person would never treat another the way they have treated one.... it is simply the dynamics of the relationship over the years and very very difficult to overcome.

[silktricks]

Very true, but Ive never heard a story about a happily married person who was cheating.

 

Then let me tell you one....

 

I worked with a gentleman === I'll call him Mike.

 

He played around.. a lot.

 

When on a business trip he met someone and asked her to marry him. Many people talked about how she should be warned about him. But no one did. Anyway, they got married and had two children.

 

He continued to play around. As he often did so with women at work, many people were aware of his infidelities. I asked him once - Why?

 

He said he loved his wife, and enjoyed being with her, but also enjoyed other women and being with them. In his opinion his being with other women did not deprive his wife, as when he was at home he cuddled with her and enjoyed her. He gave her expensive presents and when she would leave to visit family, etc. he would meet her at the airport with a limosine and flowers.

 

Meanwhile, the other women he would see would fall in love with him and expect him to follow through on his promises to be with them.

 

As I said. I worked with him and saw two of the three sides more than once. He really did love his wife - he was just an a$$. He was happily married, but a serial cheat.

 

Then there are men who are in a marriage that is in the midst of problems. Those men aren't generally serial cheaters, but often they are confused. Confusion generally doesn't lead to making good decisions.

Edited November 7, 2009 by silktricks

[Alpha Female]

Then let me tell you one....

 

I worked with a gentleman === I'll call him Mike.

 

He played around.. a lot.

 

When on a business trip he met someone and asked her to marry him. Many people talked about how she should be warned about him. But no one did. Anyway, they got married and had two children.

 

He continued to play around. As he often did so with women at work, many people were aware of his infidelities. I asked him once - Why?

 

He said he loved his wife, and enjoyed being with her, but also enjoyed other women and being with them. In his opinion his being with other women did not deprive his wife, as when he was at home he cuddled with her and enjoyed her. He gave her expensive presents and when she would leave to visit family, etc. he would meet her at the airport with a limosine and flowers.

 

Meanwhile, the other women he would see would fall in love with him and expect him to follow through on his promises to be with them.

 

As I said. I worked with him and saw two of the three sides more than once. He really did love his wife - he was just an a$$. He was happily married, but a serial cheat.

 

Then there are men who are in a marriage that is in the midst of problems. Those men aren't generally serial cheaters, but often they are confused. Confusion generally doesn't lead to making good decisions.

 

Interesting. But I guess Id still argue that if his W was enough for him and fulfilled all his needs, then he wouldnt be out dogging around on her.

 

But for sure hes a total pig.

 

I get the MM who has an exit affair. That I understand. But the serial cheater is the lowest because hes found a way to make his miserable M work, and that is by lying to and using someone on the side to make it tolerable.

[Virgo1982]

AF, are you/were you a MP? If not, how can you possibly know this?

 

Then what you post here again practically screams the question...why do so many MP beg to stay when their BS finds out about the affair and tells the WS to hit the road and go be with their 'true love' AP? Or to go find happiness on their own?

 

I packed my husband's bags for him and told him to go have a happy life with her...while he stood there in our bedroom begging me to stop. Hmmm....

 

My MM once got down on his knees and kissed my feet begging me not to leave him. It's irrelevant to me.

[Virgo1982]

Then let me tell you one....

 

I worked with a gentleman === I'll call him Mike.

 

He played around.. a lot.

 

When on a business trip he met someone and asked her to marry him. Many people talked about how she should be warned about him. But no one did. Anyway, they got married and had two children.

 

He continued to play around. As he often did so with women at work, many people were aware of his infidelities. I asked him once - Why?

 

He said he loved his wife, and enjoyed being with her, but also enjoyed other women and being with them. In his opinion his being with other women did not deprive his wife, as when he was at home he cuddled with her and enjoyed her. He gave her expensive presents and when she would leave to visit family, etc. he would meet her at the airport with a limosine and flowers.

 

Meanwhile, the other women he would see would fall in love with him and expect him to follow through on his promises to be with them.

 

As I said. I worked with him and saw two of the three sides more than once. He really did love his wife - he was just an a$$. He was happily married, but a serial cheat.

 

Then there are men who are in a marriage that is in the midst of problems. Those men aren't generally serial cheaters, but often they are confused. Confusion generally doesn't lead to making good decisions.

 

She's not in a marriage. She's in a one-sided open marriage. She is quite unlucky. Oh, I feel sorry for her already.

[2sunny]

People cheat because of issues within themselves, it has NOTHING to do with their partner and whether they love them or not.

 

When someone doesn't love their partner or is very unhappy with their marriage.................................they get divorced.

 

this is very true. well stated.

 

if it's about your effort and time you now want compensated for - tell him that... demand it. otherwise just move forward and let it go.

 

either tell him what compensation you expect reimbursement for - or forget about it.

[jwi71]

Interesting. But I guess Id still argue that if his W was enough for him and fulfilled all his needs, then he wouldnt be out dogging around on her.

 

First, don't be angry at the W. You seem to insinuate SHE isn't enough for him so he cheats. Well, YOU weren't enough for him either if you were, HE would have divorced his W for you.

 

And there you go AF. The problem isn't YOU nor his W. Its HIM.

 

He's the broken one...almost always the case that the issues reside in the WS...not the BS or AP. There is NOTHING his W could do to satisfy him...and NOTHING you could do either.

 

I know you don't want to believe it. I know you want to think he was somehow FORCED into cheating due to the BS. That the BS drove the WS to it. Not the case.

 

Why does a person cheat? Simple - they wanted to.

[jj33]

Great post JW. Cheating is a choice in response to a situation that is uncomfortable for the WS.

[Alpha Female]

if it's about your effort and time you now want compensated for - tell him that... demand it. otherwise just move forward and let it go.

 

either tell him what compensation you expect reimbursement for - or forget about it.

 

No, I dont want anything from him, and he couldnt afford to compensate me for the time I put into the project. Hes just as fine to walk away from it, and its a total non-issue for me, as it has been for quite a few days now.

 

First, don't be angry at the W. You seem to insinuate SHE isn't enough for him so he cheats. Well, YOU weren't enough for him either if you were, HE would have divorced his W for you.

 

And there you go AF. The problem isn't YOU nor his W. Its HIM.

 

He's the broken one...almost always the case that the issues reside in the WS...not the BS or AP. There is NOTHING his W could do to satisfy him...and NOTHING you could do either.

 

I know you don't want to believe it. I know you want to think he was somehow FORCED into cheating due to the BS. That the BS drove the WS to it. Not the case.

 

Why does a person cheat? Simple - they wanted to.

 

No, he wasnt forced into cheating ha ha, but he is a serial cheater and his W knows about his affairs.

 

And you can try and make me feel badly like I wasnt enough for him, but it wont work. Sorry. The truth is that he knows and I know, I am simply too good for him, and he knew to be with me, he would have to actually do something with his life, whereas with his W, he doesnt need to do a thing. She likes him being beholden and dependent, and I never would have tolerated that.

 

He will have another affair in short order. Why? Because hes simply not happy in his M. His W does not fulfill him. He hasnt spend his entire M cheating on her. It is only within the last 2 years he has begun serially cheating, and I dont see that stopping. Why should it? She tolerates it, and hes not happy with her. So, a perfectly dysfunctional M. ha ha

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think the hardest part to understand about being involved with MM or MW is that most of them want affairs, not divorces. A good deal of their marriages aren't dysfunctional or unhappy. Just sexually boring for the MM or MW. They don't want to lose their spouses, they just want to recapture the passion that they no longer feel from inside the marriage.

 

Does that make them unhappy with their spouses? Not necessarily. That is why you see MM and MW still taking vacations with their spouses, still doing the holidays with them, still going out to events with them. Not because they have to or feel obligated to, but because they want to. They are a team, a unit, a family. There might be some things missing, but isn't that the same for any relationship? No relationship is perfect. Some relationships can be missing some things, but still be overall happy in fulfilling in the lion's share of ways.

 

The missing bits? Some people find them outside, others choose not to. To say that someone cheats because they are unhappy is making too broad of a generalization. I've heard the same unfair generalizations about OW: that they are emotionally damaged in some way, or that they lack self esteem or so on. Some OW are like that, not all are. Just like some married cheaters are unhappy, not all are.

 

Is your MM unhappy and unfulfilled? I think in some ways he is, but for the most part it sounds like he likes being married to his W enough to stay married to her regardless of who he sees on the side.

 

I think serial cheating says more about what is missing inside MM or MW rather than what is missing inside their marriage, but that's JMO.

 

As for his choice, I don't think he chose either you or his W. He chose himself.

[Confused4Now]

I think when I went NC back in May I went through all the anger and rage from trying to figure out what happened. However when she came back into my life in August saying she was ready and things were going to start moving forward. I felt myself not really trusting her....so when I began NC again recently....I'm not experiencing the anger or the rage as much if not at all. I think it's the "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I think I held something back so I wouldn't have to experience all that emotion.

 

So for anyone who's been there didn't it get easier after 2nd NC or 3rd NC?

 

I think you have to protect your feelings at some point....and I realized I was all in before but no so much now.

[jwi71]

No, he wasnt forced into cheating ha ha, but he is a serial cheater and his W knows about his affairs.

 

Knowing this, you STILL expected him to leave?

 

And you can try and make me feel badly like I wasnt enough for him, but it wont work. Sorry. The truth is that he knows and I know, I am simply too good for him,and he knew to be with me, he would have to actually do something with his life, whereas with his W, he doesnt need to do a thing. She likes him being beholden and dependent, and I never would have tolerated that.

Not trying to make you feel lower than you already feel. Trying to illustrate my point.

 

He will have another affair in short order. Why? Because hes simply not happy in his M. His W does not fulfill him.

 

My point is...oh forget it...this will go nowhere.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

And I agree that a lot of BS turn their heads out of choice. I had this conversation with my Mother recently. She has been married for 52 years. And I told her if I knew Dad ever cheated, I would tell her. And she flipped out telling me she would never want to know. I think some BS are so weak, theyd rather live in denial than confront the truth, as you said.

 

Why do you insist on making this ALL about the BS? So your MM chose his wife over you because she's weak?

 

Even if that were the case (which it isn't), would you want a man who is only with you because his wife was "strong" and kicked him to the curb?

 

Never in a million years would I want someone's rejects.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

He will have another affair in short order. Why? Because hes simply not happy in his M. His W does not fulfill him. He hasnt spend his entire M cheating on her. It is only within the last 2 years he has begun serially cheating, and I dont see that stopping. Why should it? She tolerates it, and hes not happy with her. So, a perfectly dysfunctional M. ha ha

 

It seems to be working for them.

 

The only one who isn't happy with the arrangement seems to be you.

[RedDevil66]

AF, the cheaters and the BS are all weak. The strong ones don't cheat or leave the relationship.

 

End of story!

[Alpha Female]

As for his choice, I don't think he chose either you or his W. He chose himself.

 

Yes, this is very true. He did. Always did, right? Always will, Im sure.

 

I think if he was feeling sexually unfulfilled in his M, he would be chosing OW that he has sex with more often. His last affair, of one year, only resulted in having sex with her one time. Not really the actions of a MM who is looking for sex on the side to spice up his M, does it? As far as we go, if we had sex once every week or two weeks, that was a lot. My xMM was not looking for hot and wild sex. He was seeking an emotional connection, and made sure he got it. When we first starting hanging out, I was fine with just the sex. Next thing I know, he's romancing me. Showing up with his guitar, playing and singing for me songs he wrote about me, leaving flowers on my doorstep, etc. He really went out of his way to ensure we had something more than sex. Though I do agree with your point, it really didnt apply to him. His focus wasnt sex.

 

 

I think when I went NC back in May I went through all the anger and rage from trying to figure out what happened. However when she came back into my life in August saying she was ready and things were going to start moving forward. I felt myself not really trusting her....so when I began NC again recently....I'm not experiencing the anger or the rage as much if not at all. I think it's the "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I think I held something back so I wouldn't have to experience all that emotion.

 

Yes, thats exactly how I feel! I know he will surface when he suspects my anger has subsided. As it is he reached out to me a few times after we fought this weekend, so I know him and his patterns, and know he will be back at some point when he thinks its safe. But like you said, even if he were to show up with signed divorce papers and a boat load of apologies, I feel like Id be the biggest chump in the world to take him back. I feel like he would pull away again the next time he got spooked.

 

Honestly, I feel like this is my karma coming back to haunt me. I keep thinking of recent ex's that I did this with. Knee-jerked, didnt mean it, then tried to re-engage them. I now really get why they were reluctant to trust me again. Its hard to trust someone after breaking their heart.

 

I really dont have any rage or anger left towards him. Sadness, disappointment, but also a great clarity. Which is priceless.

[OpenBook]

Yes, this is very true. He did. Always did, right? Always will, Im sure.

 

Yup, you betcha. You're MUCH better off without him, AF. It was a blessing, disguised in a steaming pile of sh*t. Time to walk briskly away.

[MaureyL]

Yes, this is very true. He did. Always did, right? Always will, Im sure.

 

IHe was seeking an emotional connection, and made sure he got it. When we first starting hanging out, I was fine with just the sex. Next thing I know, he's romancing me. Showing up with his guitar, playing and singing for me songs he wrote about me, leaving flowers on my doorstep, etc. He really went out of his way to ensure we had something more than sex. Though I do agree with your point, it really didnt apply to him. His focus wasnt sex.

 

 

 

God, are you sure that we weren't seeing the same man? This is exactly the same thing that happened to me! (Though we did have lots of sex but that was more down to me if I'm honest. He wasn't unwilling, however)

 

Don't know about your AP but mine played the guitar okay-ish but couldn't sing AT ALL. He wrote this song about me and the sunshine on my hair blah blah blah and as I was living with flatmates at the time, everyone in other parts of the house heard the song. We were having a laugh together later on as to the quality of the song itself and my best friend told me about once a would-be suitor composed a really terrible poem in her honor AND read it out loud at a poetry event.

 

I related the story about the terrible poem written in Julia's honor to my AP and he said, "did you think my song for you was rubbish?"

 

Oops.

 

But pretty funny now, when I look at it. And actually, pretty funny then too!!

 

xx

[Alpha Female]

Yup, you betcha. You're MUCH better off without him, AF. It was a blessing, disguised in a steaming pile of sh*t. Time to walk briskly away.

 

Ha ha! Dont hold back! I do agree. In fairness to him, I do believe he would like to leave, and I do believe him when he says he doesnt have the courage to do so. Still, doesnt change the fact that he made promises he didnt keep.

 

[quote=MaureyL;2476352God, are you sure that we weren't seeing the same man? This is exactly the same thing that happened to me! (Though we did have lots of sex but that was more down to me if I'm honest. He wasn't unwilling, however)

 

Don't know about your AP but mine played the guitar okay-ish but couldn't sing AT ALL. He wrote this song about me and the sunshine on my hair blah blah blah and as I was living with flatmates at the time, everyone in other parts of the house heard the song. We were having a laugh together later on as to the quality of the song itself and my best friend told me about once a would-be suitor composed a really terrible poem in her honor AND read it out loud at a poetry event.

 

I related the story about the terrible poem written in Julia's honor to my AP and he said, "did you think my song for you was rubbish?"

 

Oops.

 

But pretty funny now, when I look at it. And actually, pretty funny then too!!

 

xx

 

Mine did have a pretty good voice, and I was touched he went to the effort to write me songs. That is, provided they werent really about some OW and he just changed the name. ha ha!

 

But he did set out to seduce me, and lure me into the A, that is for sure. It was clear pretty early on that he wasnt just looking for easy casual sex, even though I played it that way for a long time. Much like your guy. I remember telling a friend a month or so into it that we were only supposed to be having sex, and now hes trying to romance me and actually date me! He really did behave like a BF, and not an A.

 

Still, my rage of last week, much dissipated now, I realize was really all from him swearing and promising for weeks on end how we would be together and how he was leaving her, and then getting cold feet. I really do believe in my heart he didnt mean it, but I made sure he knew he couldnt come back this time. I was just more enraged that he broke his promise. I know if we kept going until I asked for more, and if he was honest and said he wasnt ever going to leave his M, I would have been upset and hurt, but not nearly as pissed about being lied to.

 

Anyway, I put my closet back together last night. Nice to have my space back.

[Samantha0905]

One way to deal with the rage is to realize most MM will choose their wives over their OW in most cases. Not because they like their wives better, but because staying with their wives is just easier. Often, people just do what is easiest for them, regardless of how it affects anyone else.

 

Just avoid repeats of this painful experience, you might also want to keep in mind any man capable of carrying on a relationship with another woman while married is, by definition, a liar and a con artist. Liars and con artists lie to and con EVERYONE, not just some people.

 

Oh, I think many times they actually do love their spouses much more -- especially if there is a history there. Something is missing in themselves and they seek to fulfill it outside of the marriage, which is WRONG to do.

 

I think both the WS and the OW/OM are in the wrong.

 

Why not seek a relationship with someone who is available?

 

 

 

I really disagree with this. I think MP that cheat do so for a lot of reasons - things missing in their M (sex, companionship, shared interests, boredom, etc.), and insecurity within themselves. For whatever reason they are cheating, the affair does make their M more tolerable, otherwise they wouldnt be doing it to begin with. I don't think that happily married people have affairs.

 

Your Dad begged her to stay because he was afraid of being alone. Not because he really loved her or had a happy life with her he was trying to preserve.

 

I think when MP decide to stay in their M, its because they are 1) too weak to leave 2) finances 3) fear of the unknown.

 

I honestly dont believe a MP who has had an affair, or affairs, will ever be happy going back to their M, much as I think a BS is crazy to think theyd ever be happy after finding out about an A.

 

People stay in bad M's and bad situations for a lot of reasons, and I dont think true love is ever the reason.

 

Now, you have no idea why her dad begged his wife to stay. That's an arrogant assumption on your part. He may very well have had a happy life. There is an ebb and flow to love and happiness and people screw up sometimes. People are not perfect and can commit horrible wrongs at times.

 

That may be some reasons some MP stay in their marriages. It may also be they realize the err in their ways and want to salvage what they've done their best to ruin.

 

I think if the situation were bad enough, the MP would get out of it and they wouldn't need to use another person as an emotional crutch while they do it.

 

True love has nothing to do with affairs.

 

So are you trying to say that your husband loved you so much even though he cheated on you with someone else? That hs begging you to stay meant that he truly loved you? Please.

 

I still contend that a MP who cheats does so to make their marriage tolerable. And I think they end up sticking around with the W because of fear of financial ruin or fear of being alone or for the children.

 

A lot of people believe its best to be with anyone, even if its someone they had no problem betraying and cheating on and clearly had no respect for to begin with. Thats why many people serially cheat and why so much BS turn a blind eye and stay married to the cheat. Same weaknesses.

 

I think you're just convincing yourself of this because it's easier for you to swallow. It could be the case in some marriages, but it could most certainly not be the case in other marriages.

 

And even if you view it as the BS staying married to the cheat -- using that logic, if he had ended up with you -- wouldn't you then be partnered with the cheat? He was cheating you by having a relationship with you while married. You were cheating yourself. Both of you were cheating his wife of something. Cheats all around, except for the BS.

 

And yes, there are certainly weaknesses involved. Weaknesses of character. It could be a life-long weakness or it could be the person is going through some things at the time they don't handle well.

 

I was a WS and I moved out of my house into an apartment and then had an affair. At first, I told my AP I was unsure I wanted to stay married and we were separated -- which was true -- but we weren't legally separated and he knew that, just as I did. Then I did develop strong feelings for him and felt like I loved him and he loved me. During all of that, I never felt like I did NOT love my spouse any more. I knew no matter what happened I would always love my spouse. He's a good man. I told my OM all of this. We kept seeing each other and it was wonderful for a while (in my distorted logic) because I was all wrapped up in the great feelings, the rush, the fun times, the great sex, etc. However when it all came down to it and I HAD to decide, I thought about my husband, my children, our future together -- and realized how very wrong all of it had been all along and told my AP I was moving back home.

 

Does this mean I didn't love my ex-AP? No, I still think about him every day. I want him to be happy. I'm not too thrilled thinking of him with someone else, so I guess that's where 100% NC makes perfect sense. I hope he finds someone who can love him 100%. I hope he never has a relationship with a married person again.

 

Do I feel badly for hurting him? Absolutely. He said he knew all along this was more than likely going to happen, but he loved me and rode it out. He also knew all along he was pursuing a married woman. What I feel the most badly about is what I did to my spouse. I've known him 33 years and had and raised two children with him. I love him dearly. A nine month affair can't begin to compare to that history.

 

There is more to "true love" than just the hot & passionate moments -- or a romanticizing of the term.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but for the life of me I don't see how the OW or OM can not expect this to be the end result -- a disaster -- just as much as the WS should know the effects are going to be disastrous. I'm not pointing a finger at you, by the way. I feel that way about me also. I look back at it all and wonder what I was thinking or how I thought it could all work out any other way?

[Virgo1982]

Yup, you betcha. You're MUCH better off without him, AF. It was a blessing, disguised in a steaming pile of sh*t. Time to walk briskly away.

 

Loves it