Heartbroke III Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 My wife of 31 years admitted an affair that occurred about 20 years ago. We had attended church one Sunday and the sermon moved her to come clean. She has been forthcoming to my questions but somewhat vague in her answers. such as, How long? How many times did you meet? (It was her boss and he would ask one of the 3 women in the office to accompany him on business trips (a couple of hours at the time) which were justified due to the type of business he was in.. My wife has said he had business to conduct outside the office 1-2 days per week. She said they had sex every time she went out with him. They had sex in our car, our house, his house along country roads and met in Hotels. She said she gave in to him because he flattered her and made her feel special she was never in love with him. She said the may had been together maybe 12 times in a 1 - 11/2 year affair. I'm having trouble believing that it didn't happen more than 12 times. She has said she broke things off with him and has been faithful since. Will I ever know??? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 who cares if you will ever know more than that. THAT would be enough for me to say "GET OUT NOW!!!" in your car? in your house? that is completely disrespectful and shows she may be full of rage and hatred toward you. since it appears you are staying in the marriage, find out WHY she thought it was ok to treat you with such disregard and disrespect... this is waaaay over the line for my boundaries... how can you just move on from here? Link to post Share on other sites
Gabriele Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 So what has your marriage looked like the past 20 years?? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 What is your marriage and your relationship like now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroke III Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 My marriage has been great. I never had any suspicion thet she had cheated. I just keep asking myself, is she telling me all the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 ...there's more to come. Sounds like she was doing alot of dirt? why continue to stay married if she's gonna have a full year long affair, was she the only OW, or did he sleep with all his other co-workers, subordinates? Is she gonna continue working there? or is she quitting and recommiting to your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 My marriage has been great. I never had any suspicion thet she had cheated. I just keep asking myself, is she telling me all the truth? Does it really matter if she is telling you the truth? Seriously... what are you going to do about this? Cry? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Gee, now nice. she comes clean 20 years later, after your younger years are behind you.....she gratifies herself with another man when she was younger, you stay faithful....and now what? So what are you going to do? Personally, I'd feel like she robbed me of life and sure, now she tells you. Its not like when you were younger, you could have divorced her and looked forward to a better life, finding someone new, dating again. But no, she waits til now. I'd tell her, "my life, because of you, is a lie, and was wasted"...and leave it at that. I don't know what you have in mind, but I'd tell her to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroke III Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 She said the last time they were together she broke it off because of the guilt. But she did something to his vehicle and went in to work the next ady and ask for a transfer to another office which she got in a couple of weeks. We have moved from the area that the affair occured in and there isn't an opportunity for her to see him. I am wondering. Who dumped who? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 My marriage has been great. I never had any suspicion thet she had cheated. I just keep asking myself, is she telling me all the truth? doesn't matter, you have truth enough. she is a cheater. She got to lie to you and have her little fun in the younger years...while you stayed faithful not knowing you were married to an unfaithful, untrustworthy "woman". my guess is he dumped her because she did something to his vehicle. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 But she did something to his vehicle and went in to work the next ady and ask for a transfer to another office which she got in a couple of weeks. We have moved from the area that the affair occured in and there isn't an opportunity for her to see him. I am wondering. Who dumped who? That she would vandalize his vehicle is proof that she had an emotional investment in the relationship. There's a difference between coming clean and coming completely clean. You're getting a redacted version of the truth ... Mr. Lucky What's that Carrie Underwood song about taking a baseball bat to his car? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Confessing now after how many years ago? Wow, seems to me she is wanting out of the M to get it on with someone else. Investigate..find out who else is lurking round the corner. Link to post Share on other sites
MadMission Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 This is so sad. Your W has been lying to you for 20+ years....during and after her LTA. Lies of omission ARE lies nonetheless. She likely came clean for selfish reasons....to relieve her guilt....to make herself feel better...to lift the weight of her ugly secret off her shoulders. I bet SHE felt a lot better after telling you. Good for her. She was selfish, shallow, and immature to have the A. She was selfish to continue to keep you in the dark and from the truth for 20 yrs. And, selfish once again by telling you so that SHE would feel better. Oh my. If I were you and my kids were grown...I would D her. Not out of spite or anger, but out of a sense that I do not even KNOW this person I am married to. I have been in love and invested in a lie...a fake...a fraud. How old are you 50 - 55ish? There are other women out there who are honest, genuine and true. Women who really are who they present themselves to be...no secrets, no lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Gabriele Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 These seem like some pretty harsh (not disrespectful harsh, just harsh) responses.... I am kinda in a similar situation, maybe you read my post...........my dh cheated 8 & 12 years ago, I just found out a couple months ago. So you like me.........thought you had and feel like you do have now a good marriage, I don't know that the answer is to now to through it away. If your wife has been committed ever since, never cheated again.......perhaps you will now be able to work together to get through all this crap and there will be an even better marriage on the other side....one where she is not always gaurded because she is hiding something. For me......now that I know......I can look back over the years and know that the lies effected our marriage so much.....I never knew. The way he reacted to things, some stuff makes sense to me now. Anyhow, Perhaps more truth will come out, perhaps not.......why would she tell you some and not all.....how would that benifit her? not sure it would, she could have just kept on with the lie and not told you at all. You will have a roller coaster of emotions likely.......I did, and I don't know about you but 20 years ago....probably feels like it just happened yesterday! Just keep talking and honouring your feelings........it's a hard situation. Gabriele Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 something isn't adding up. she ended the affair because of guilt(as she says) that means she wanted out of the affair. then why would she damage his car? seems like a lie here to me. dig some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 She was screwing him in your home while you were at work? This shows utter disrespect and humiliation toward you and your marriage. You really have to have such total disgust for your spouse to bring someone to your home behind their back this way.. How nice that she was screwing her boss in your car and in your home anytime he wanted to screw her. It is unbelievable her lack of morals and respect for you. I also agree with the other posters pertaining to the break up . She did not break up with him. He broke up with her which in turn resulted in her being angry and messing with his car. Why would she do this if she was the one breaking up with him?...The answer is she obviously would not. Talk about being the total doorprize. She keeps it from you while she was putting your health at risk for STD's and not bothering to tell you she was screwing her boss in your home. The chances are pretty good that she was screwing him in the afternoon and screwing you the same evening. How special is that? I feel so sorry for you. I would not believe anything she says at this point. If she felt so guilty how come she admitted screwing him a minimum of 12 times. I seriously doubt you have the full story. She has made a fool out of you and made your marriage a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Glad you came by? For all this "objective" advice and opinion? 31 years is a long time to be with somebody...do you think her goodness through the years counter-balances this betrayal? Worth thinking about. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 IMO the number of times they had sex is a secondary issue. The fact she hid and lied about this for so long, that may be the back breaker. For me, I don't know if I'd ever believe her about anything, ever again. Obviously the guilt wasn't that strong. She was able to lie and tuck this away for 20 years. I think you have to exam the state of the marriage after the affair ended, how it was prior to d day, the level of her remorse, and what's she's doing to make this right. IMO you need to weigh all of these prior to making any decisions to try and repair this, or cut your loss and exit, stage left. Take your time. In the intern MC and IC for both of you is a must. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 She was screwing him in your home while you were at work? This shows utter disrespect and humiliation toward you and your marriage. You really have to have such total disgust for your spouse to bring someone to your home behind their back this way.. How nice that she was screwing her boss in your car and in your home anytime he wanted to screw her. It is unbelievable her lack of morals and respect for you. I also agree with the other posters pertaining to the break up . She did not break up with him. He broke up with her which in turn resulted in her being angry and messing with his car. Why would she do this if she was the one breaking up with him?...The answer is she obviously would not. Talk about being the total doorprize. She keeps it from you while she was putting your health at risk for STD's and not bothering to tell you she was screwing her boss in your home. The chances are pretty good that she was screwing him in the afternoon and screwing you the same evening. How special is that? I feel so sorry for you. I would not believe anything she says at this point. If she felt so guilty how come she admitted screwing him a minimum of 12 times. I seriously doubt you have the full story. She has made a fool out of you and made your marriage a joke. i agree with this and wonder why you would stay and be so accepting of her devotion to you and the M. how can you take her word for anything? she obviously kept a huge truth from you for many years, then hurt you deeply by unloading HER truth onto you to relieve HER own guilt (how nice of her, eh?) did she consider your feelings in all of this? i doubt it - as she had sex in your home, car etc. her unwillingness to answer questions (ANY questions) you may have - is an indication that she's hiding more than she wants to tell you. if she's not willing to tell EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, the M most likely will never again get on solid ground. your commitment and trust level is built on her half truths and false information - therefore, how can it be repaired to a healthy state? it's like building something on quicksand. have you gone to counseling? what has she done to repair her actions to you? she certainly hasn't given you the truth and that is a huge indicator that she hasn't tried very hard to make this right. the fact that she smashed his car indicates hostility. he probably broke it off with her and she got angry. is she a hostile woman? i am seeing a pattern here... yikes. either way she probably didn't intend for it to end when it did. she pretended all these years to be happy with you and smile to your face while living a lie at the same time? i would have huge questions that i would NEED honest answers to. if she's not willing to be honest and to set things right for your peace of mind - i don't know how you could look at her without disgust. she is a sham all the way around at the moment and just expects you to stand there, smile and take it. what do you plan to do about this... it seems her getting rid of her own guilt has dumped a huge pile of poo on you and she just expects that you will either: a) overlook it b) just take it and pretend it's not poo c) not wonder enough to care d) hope that you think she's that great that you don't deserve any answers from her. :rolleyes: what is it you plan to do now? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Glad you came by? For all this "objective" advice and opinion? 31 years is a long time to be with somebody...do you think her goodness through the years counter-balances this betrayal? Worth thinking about. Would your advice be the same if the cheating was recent rather than long ago? She's really deceived him twice - once when she cheated and a second time when she witheld the truth for the next 20 years. He doesn't have the same options he might have had two decades ago... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 <<Would your advice be the same if the cheating was recent rather than long ago? She's really deceived him twice - once when she cheated and a second time when she witheld the truth for the next 20 years. He doesn't have the same options he might have had two decades ago...>> Hard to say...I think you have to look at everything a person has been and has meant to you throughout the years. Some on here are so all-or-nothing in their views it wouldn't matter if the WS was voted wife of the year 30 out of 31 years and gave the guy a kidney...there'd still be no redemption. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I think for me, I'd rather know right after it happened. If my W hid it and lied for X number of years, this would show a level of deception I do not think I would be able to overcome. I my mind, my marriage would have been based upon lies and deceipt. I don't think I could overcome that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Hard to say...I think you have to look at everything a person has been and has meant to you throughout the years. Some on here are so all-or-nothing in their views it wouldn't matter if the WS was voted wife of the year 30 out of 31 years and gave the guy a kidney...there'd still be no redemption. I agree that for many here cheating is a deal-breaker regardless of past history. Interesting that many that feel that way are those that have been married to a WS. Maybe they've learned a lesson only experience can teach... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
FreezorBurn Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 So what has your marriage looked like the past 20 years?? Exactly, You are in a diff situation then most, 20 years have past. How has your life been with her within the 20 years and right Now is the question. I say show her how much you are hurt, Learn from this and make your relationship better. Life is too short and your a mature older person? Can you deal with being alone now? You believe you have a good women hat strayed 20 years ago. Given the TIME factor, I'd say try and keep it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 something isn't adding up. she ended the affair because of guilt(as she says) that means she wanted out of the affair. then why would she damage his car? seems like a lie here to me. dig some more. ya, thats why I think he dumped her and she would have continued the affair if it had not been for that. and funny how she cheats, yet feels the other guy deserves to have his car damaged. so what does she think she herself deserves? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts