Truth about Wife's affair

[Samantha0905]

i

ya, you are right...she should get a free pass:rolleyes:

 

I don't think she does. Don't assume you know what she is going through because you don't.

 

 

 

gee, what a nice sentiment. works for the cheater.....doesn't do much for the betrayed when the memories cause pain. cheater gets off, betrayed gets to carry the scar.

 

Perhaps some therapy would help you work through some of that anger?

 

so tell us....why haven't you told your husband and given him information about his wife that he DESERVES to know? and don't give us the usual, "I don't want to cause him any pain" bunk...cuz I'm sure you didn't think about causing him pain while you were with another man.

 

Already have and you may use the search function. No more TJing.

[confusedinkansas]

Forgiving doesn't mean a person will literally forget, but it does imply forgiveness and your "stealing his best years from him" remark is cynical and just not true. I'm sure they've shared some good years and, should he forgive her and continue the marriage, will share quite a few more.

 

In any event, Charles Swindoll has written a lot of good things on the subject matter. Here's something he said about it:

 

 

Wow, cynical was the first word that popped in my head as well.

I didn't mean that he could forget. But there are some mighty big people in this world that when they say they forgive, they mean it. And, whether it pops in their head from time to time...Again, they are big enough to deal with it & let it go. Just sayin'

 

IF there is still love there - Anything is possible

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think she does. Don't assume you know what she is going through because you don't.

 

 

I'm going by what YOU said, not what may or may not be going on in their situation.

 

 

 

Perhaps some therapy would help you work through some of that anger?

 

 

perhaps some therapy would help you become faithful and truthful.....or perhaps not:o

 

 

Already have and you may use the search function. No more TJing.

 

hmmm...then what is the "continuing to lie to your husband, by not telling him of the affair" BJ was talking about? is he wrong? have you told your H, or are you continuing to lie to him about what you do/did?

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow, cynical was the first word that popped in my head as well.

I didn't mean that he could forget. But there are some mighty big people in this world that when they say they forgive, they mean it. And, whether it pops in their head from time to time...Again, they are big enough to deal with it & let it go. Just sayin'

 

 

well, I already know your take on receiving forgiveness, but wouldn't extend it if your H went out and did the same thing you did....just sayin'

 

Ya I know, you are in a different place now. Didn't know the courtesy of forgiveness depended on who did what first:o

[Lizzie60]

My marriage has been great. I never had any suspicion thet she had cheated. I just keep asking myself, is she telling me all the truth?

 

 

You will probably never know.. and to be honest, what good would it be for you to know.. really...

 

It's been fine for the last 20 years .. you never doubt her... just forgive her and forget about the whole thing.. she's still with you..

[Lizzie60]

My wife of 31 years admitted an affair that occurred about 20 years ago. We had attended church one Sunday and the sermon moved her to come clean. She has been forthcoming to my questions but somewhat vague in her answers. such as,

How long? How many times did you meet? (It was her boss and he would ask one of the 3 women in the office to accompany him on business trips (a couple of hours at the time) which were justified due to the type of business he was in.. My wife has said he had business to conduct outside the office 1-2 days per week. She said they had sex every time she went out with him. They had sex in our car, our house, his house along country roads and met in Hotels. She said she gave in to him because he flattered her and made her feel special she was never in love with him. She said the may had been together maybe 12 times in a 1 - 11/2 year affair. I'm having trouble believing that it didn't happen more than 12 times. She has said she broke things off with him and has been faithful since. Will I ever know???

 

I will ask you something.. and be honest.. (only you can be honest with yourself I know that... and you probably wouldn't admit it anyway.. but)... have you ever cheated on her... be honest!

[Dexter Morgan]

You will probably never know.. and to be honest, what good would it be for you to know.. really...

 

It's been fine for the last 20 years .. you never doubt her

 

ya, because she deceived him, lied to him by ommission. Most good people will never doubt until given a reason to doubt. Cheaters are often very clever at covering their tracks and lying.

 

 

just forgive her and forget about the whole thing

 

ya...forget about the whole thing....thats a good one. Like thats going to happen. forgive will be up to him, but forgetting won't happen.

 

 

 

she's still with you..

 

so what? he has a wife that he now finds out over the course of her marriage has spread her legs for at least one other man....but she is still with him....I guess that could be seen as a consolation prize:o

[Dexter Morgan]

I will ask you something.. and be honest.. (only you can be honest with yourself I know that... and you probably wouldn't admit it anyway.. but)... have you ever cheated on her... be honest!

 

if he never has, he might be thinking about it now.

 

but if he is a man among men....he won't.

[confusedinkansas]

well, I already know your take on receiving forgiveness, but wouldn't extend it if your H went out and did the same thing you did....just sayin'

 

Ya I know, you are in a different place now. Didn't know the courtesy of forgiveness depended on who did what first:o

 

:rolleyes:Here we go again. Dex. (who never forgets one word anyone says)

 

I know where I stand on issues & I also know where you stand on them. Neither of us will ever agree 100% on anything. You are a "Kick'em to the Curb & Never Ask Questions" kinda guy & see the world as Black & White. Period.

I on the other hand don't think kicking anyone to the curb "Knee Jerking" immediately is the answer. I think there are things that can be worked thru IF there is still love in the mix.

If I didn't believe that, when my husband began doing the crap he was doing & I left him for a time- We would have never worked our "Issues" Out. I also see that there are many gray areas in this world. Nothing is just cut & dry......

When someone posts here - they ask for help. Not cynical criticism.

OP's also are the only ones that know their spouses. We don't. So, TELLING someone: what might happen, will happen, what to do, how they feel.....Just wrong.

[Trimmer]

OP, contrary to what many of the posters say, there are honest women out there, who would never cheat or lie about an affair. If, at the end of the day, you can no longer trust her to be a truthful, faithful, wife, maybe you should separate and look for someone else. Regardless of whether it's 1 year or 20, she has not been honest, can you live with a dishonest woman? Only you know the answer to that question.

Well, and Dexter. He always knows.

[Dexter Morgan]

:rolleyes:Here we go again. Dex. (who never forgets one word anyone says)

 

just commenting on your comment about people being "big enough" to forgive...just seemed funny coming from you based on what you said would happen if your husband did the same as you did. Just sayin'

 

 

 

I know where I stand on issues & I also know where you stand on them. Neither of us will ever agree 100% on anything. You are a "Kick'em to the Curb & Never Ask Questions" kinda guy & see the world as Black & White. Period.

I on the other hand don't think kicking anyone to the curb "Knee Jerking" immediately is the answer.

 

of course you don't...not when its you that is the offender. but if the roles were reversed, you already said you wouldn't forgive you H.

 

 

I think there are things that can be worked thru IF there is still love in the mix.

 

ok, then if your husband has an affair with another woman because of your affair, and there is still love...why would you say you wouldn't forgive him for it?

 

 

If I didn't believe that, when my husband began doing the crap he was doing & I left him for a time- We would have never worked our "Issues" Out. I also see that there are many gray areas in this world. Nothing is just cut & dry......

 

well I realize we are thread jacking, but I have to answer this. your husband didn't do what you did and you said you would leave him if he did. not exactly fair is it? I know because you didn't work out your issues, I guess that means you deserved the 2nd chance, but if he does it later, he doesn't deserve a 2nd chance.

 

 

 

When someone posts here - they ask for help. Not cynical criticism.

 

show me where I'm criticizing this poster. He is the one that has been cheated on. why would I criticize him?

 

 

OP's also are the only ones that know their spouses. We don't. So, TELLING someone: what might happen, will happen, what to do, how they feel.....Just wrong.

 

in case you haven't noticed, thats what opinions are. otherwise, by your logic, if someone asks for help, we should say, "well, we can't tell you what to do or what we think...therefore, we can't answer your questions":o

[Trimmer]

show me where I'm criticizing this poster. He is the one that has been cheated on. why would I criticize him?

 

You know, it just kinda slips out without you realizing it:

 

So sure, he shouldn't just up and leave(although I wouldn't be able to look at her face on a daily basis....20 years ago or not)....but he should now man up...

Implying that you don't believe he's a man now, or that he can only regain his manhood by following your specific prescription?

 

She didn't take his manhood, and it only victimizes him to suggest that. How could he not hear that as a cut?

[boldjack]

Trim, I think that Dex is telling the OP to take control of his situation.

[samspade]

This is an interesting thread, and I gotta say, Dexter is consistently the voice of reason when it comes to the subject of cheating. He iunderstands the concept of having the self-respect and power to walk away from someone who has disrespected you.

 

Contrary to popular opinion, successful relationships and marriages should not be hard work. Yes, there are arguments, and difficult shoals to navigate together, but if you and your SO are on the same page, the duration of your relationship should mostly be enjoyable and fun. The idea that you need to "work on issues" is a failed notion and usually involves one party sacrificing a large amount of self-respect in order to keep a dead relationship on life support. This is especially true within a marriage, and especially for men, who stand to lose far more in a divorce than a woman. Fear of being alone and a perceived lack of options (one-itis) also keep people in broken relationships, constantly "working" on issues, going to therapy, and the like. Take away the paperwork and legal process, and dumping your wife for cheating on you seems like the most sensible option.

 

OP, I want you to think about what your wife did to you. She went out and took another guy's john thomas into her love canal, the one she had sworn faithfully to you. She did this repeatedly, and in your own home. Breach of contract. Sure, maybe she blames you for not giving her the attention her boss did. You may have gotten lazy. That doesn't excuse what SHE did. If she was feeling unloved, she could just as well have asked for a divorce 20 years ago. But she didn't - why? She wanted to have her cake (stability and security with you) and eat it too (her boss' c0ck deep inside her). You were cheated out of exploring your own romantic options because of her selfishness.

 

Don't let the haters and shamers call you "cynical" (classic shaming word) for being true to yourself. I recommend you drop your wife and find some young tail. You can forgive her on your own time, in your own heart, but that doesn't mean she deserves your partnership. She blew it.

[confusedinkansas]

 

Implying that you don't believe he's a man now, or that he can only regain his manhood by following your specific prescription?

 

but he should now man up...

 

So, Dex, are you implying that someone that stays with a cheating spouse is not a man? (or a woman - if the tables are turned) Just askin'? I get the same implication that trimmer did.

[confusedinkansas]

My apologies to the OP for the earlier threadjacking. Didn't realize it at the time - but it was one.

[boldjack]

CIK, I think that a lot of people got that implication, but I don't think that was, what was meant. You don't loose your "man-hood", by forgiving a cheater, you loose it, if you accept a "continuing", cheater. As I have said, we nor the OP really know how many times this woman has cheated, and really have no way of trusting her words, even now. Those posters who praise her for admitting the affair, conveniently forget that she lied for 20 years. 20 years of deceit would be impossible for me to forgive.

[Samantha0905]

You know, it just kinda slips out without you realizing it:

 

 

Implying that you don't believe he's a man now, or that he can only regain his manhood by following your specific prescription?

 

She didn't take his manhood, and it only victimizes him to suggest that. How could he not hear that as a cut?

 

When actually, it's quite the opposite if he chooses to forgive her. He's a stronger man than many.

 

And samspade -- relationships are work. Love is an action. The thought process relationships should mostly be enjoyable and fun is the exact thought process that causes people to bail when they are in a lower place in their relationship. Relationships ebb and flow.

 

The line of your discussion following self, cocks and young tail hopefully helps the OP discern advice.

[schewter]

<<This is an interesting thread, and I gotta say, Dexter is consistently the voice of reason when it comes to the subject of cheating. He iunderstands the concept of having the self-respect and power to walk away from someone who has disrespected you.>>

 

Nonsense...Dexter is the last person I would seek advice from in matters of infidelity. He is the least objective poster on here. In his view, if you cheat that is your very definition thereafter...doesn't matter what good you may have performed before or after you will forever be a low-down, scum-sucking, no-good-for-nothing CHEATER. That's hardly the voice of reason. The voice of bitterness maybe.

 

<<Don't let the haters and shamers call you "cynical" (classic shaming word) for being true to yourself. I recommend you drop your wife and find some young tail. You can forgive her on your own time, in your own heart, but that doesn't mean she deserves your partnership. She blew it.>>

 

The "haters and shamers"???? Who is more hateful and about shaming someone than the posters who 1) Accuse the WS of lying despite having never met the person. 2) Urge the BS to "kick 'em to the curb" despite all variables and / or underlying factors. 3) Suggest that NOT kicking them to the curb is some sort of weakness of character. 4) Use graphic language in describing what transpired for no better reason than to enflame.

[Snowflower]

When actually, it's quite the opposite if he chooses to forgive her. He's a stronger man than many.

 

And samspade -- relationships are work. Love is an action. The thought process relationships should mostly be enjoyable and fun is the exact thought process that causes people to bail when they are in a lower place in their relationship. Relationships ebb and flow.

 

The line of your discussion following self, cocks and young tail hopefully helps the OP discern advice.

 

This is nice advice. It does take a truly strong person (man or woman) to attempt to forgive their spouse and reconcile (not necessarily in that order) after infidelity.

 

It is much easier to walk away. Perhaps why 'kick their a** the curb' is so often advocated here. Sure, it could be argued that the WS took the easy way out by cheating...I kind of agree. Does that mean that the BS should necessarily take the easy way out as well?

[boldjack]

Dexter is, who he is, and can take care of himself. But you Schewter are just as quick to forgive, without proof , as Dexter is to condemn , again, without proof.. You counsel forgiveness, yet you do not know if the OP is willing or able to, nor do any of us. You are assuming that now the wife is being honest and yet you have no proof of this, nor do any of us. The OP needs to know all of the facts, in order to decide, FOR HIMSELF, whether forgiveness, or divorce is the answer that best suits his situation. Venting your spleen against Dexter or Dexter venting his spleen against you, does the OP no good at all.

[Snowflower]

The "haters and shamers"???? Who is more hateful and about shaming someone than the posters who 1) Accuse the WS of lying despite having never met the person. 2) Urge the BS to "kick 'em to the curb" despite all variables and / or underlying factors. 3) Suggest that NOT kicking them to the curb is some sort of weakness of character. 4) Use graphic language in describing what transpired for no better reason than to enflame.

 

There is very little support for a BS who has just found out about their spouse's infidelity. So I call total BS (bulls---) that certain posters are trying to help. I found that out the hard way...

 

I was told by many posters (not all) that my husband was still lying and continuing his affair (my husband's lies were few during his affair-he shut down and retreated into his own shell) and was still gaslighting me (he never did this). Like anyone here knew my situation?

 

Then the graphic language...I remember a couple of posters here (one has since left, the other is still here very regularly) had fun with the word they coined 'sha-boink' in reference to my husband's affair (it was my thread-the only thread I have ever started). They were poking fun at my expense and pain-big time!

 

I was strong enough to ignore the flaming posts (and the pain the caused) and dig out the good advice. I knew myself, my husband, my marriage and my situation. But I do worry about those who post here who are unfamiliar with what goes on here...like the OP of this thread (who hasn't been back, I might add).

[schewter]

Dexter is, who he is, and can take care of himself. But you Schewter are just as quick to forgive, without proof , as Dexter is to condemn , again, without proof.. You counsel forgiveness, yet you do not know if the OP is willing or able to, nor do any of us. You are assuming that now the wife is being honest and yet you have no proof of this, nor do any of us. The OP needs to know all of the facts, in order to decide, FOR HIMSELF, whether forgiveness, or divorce is the answer that best suits his situation. Venting your spleen against Dexter or Dexter venting his spleen against you, does the OP no good at all.

 

No Boldjack...what I do is take what OPs post at face value. The assumptions begin when people suggest that all is not as it appears. So until OP comes back and says their WS was lying or not being completely honest I will believe things are exactly as they have been related. Good example occurs whenever someone posts a story about their spouse having an EA...not long before people start suggesting or downright stating that it was a PA with absolutely no evidence.

[boldjack]

Snowflower, It does take a strong person to forgive, but it takes a fool to forgive, without the cheater showing true remorse and absolute committment to honesty. Why do you assume that she is worth keeping? You , nor do any of us, know the full extent of her dishonesty and adultery. Forgiveness is only one of many options that the OP can choose from. But nothing can be done and no choices can be made until the OP is aware of the full extent of her treachery, and can make a fully informed decision.

[Samantha0905]

This is nice advice. It does take a truly strong person (man or woman) to attempt to forgive their spouse and reconcile (not necessarily in that order) after infidelity.

 

It is much easier to walk away. Perhaps why 'kick their a** the curb' is so often advocated here. Sure, it could be argued that the WS took the easy way out by cheating...I kind of agree. Does that mean that the BS should necessarily take the easy way out as well?

 

Thanks and I agree with you -- and I have been a WS. I'll call it the "cowardly" way out instead because goodness knows it's not easy. Well, not for long anyway. Every consequence is deserved and this isn't a pity plea, but between the lack of integrity, worrying about the pain and dillusionment that would be felt by my husband/children, worrying about the pain and sin I'm contributing to as far as the OM is concerned, my own soul, etc. -- it sure wasn't/isn't easy.

 

In any event, I also don't think it means the BS should necessarily take the easy way out. I wouldn't even call it the easy way out if they just couldn't handle it and opted out, but it certainly takes a lot of courage to stay in the relationship if one knows of the affair.

 

I don't think when someone makes a mistake -- however horrific -- it makes them a bad person for life. Or a liar for life. Or a bad marriage partner for life. Etc.

 

I noticed that about the OP also -- M.I.A. now. I'm newer here and I'm sorry for whatever ridicule you put up with in asking for help. I've certainly noticed the animosity/bitterness in some of the posts. I think a person can be candid about their thoughts without being personally insulting and redundant to the point of being nauseating.

 

There is good advice here also and it's not just advice with which I 100% agree. It's not just what is said, it's in the delivery.