parents mad at me over marriage proposal

[Rylle]

I'm in my mid-20s.

 

My emotionally abusive ex-bf, whom I have not been dating for quite some time, but who I have seen a handful of times (for one reason or another) proposed to me a bit ago. Clearly, the answer was "no," with a little bit of "wtf is wrong with you" thrown in.

 

My parents KNOW that we aren't dating, and haven't been for a long time.

 

I've mentioned he was emotionally abusive (since they're so nosy and couldn't let it go at "we broke up").

 

My ex wrote them a letter informing them of what happened.

 

Now my my dad is angry with me because the ex was the one that told them he proposed/I said no; while I said nothing to them. I'm not sure how my mom feels, but I know that she thinks it's her business, because she brought it up in a round about way as "something we need to talk about."

 

I personally don't think it's any of their ****ing business if someone proposes and I say no. I don't feel at all entitled to tell them jack**** about that scenario. I know that part of my attitude about this comes from the fact that growing up my parents have made VERY clear that there are personal boundaries that do not get crossed in regards to sharing information - they are SO secretive. We also aren't super close - we've never discussed relationships in any kind of detail (beyond this is who I'm dating, this is what you NEED to know), they never even talked about SEX with me. So I've really grown up with a sense of what is my business, what isn't my business, and how those principles my parents taught me applies to other personal relationships.

 

I'm angry that they think this is their business, and not only do they think that, they feel so entitled to such a personal detail that has nothing to do with them that they're upset with me for not spilling my guts about this.

 

As yet, nothing has been said, but this will (apparently ) have to be discussed this weekend.

 

Can someone please help me with this? I don't feel as though I should have to explain myself (in regards to this) to my parents, nor should I have to apologize over this.

[Ronni_W]

Specific to the current problem, something like, "Mom and Dad, I did not tell you about it because *I* did not take it seriously; *I* totally dismissed it. To me, it was a non-event...and always will be nothing more than that. Getting upset because *I* did not find it worthy of my further time and energy won't change my truth about it. I don't have anything else to say."

 

And just keep repeating those same sentiments...even if you also have to repeat exactly the same words.

 

To change the habitual dynamics and ways of relating between the three of you. Your anger and frustration, as valid as those are, won't help your own cause.

A different approach would be to try to put it back on them: Tell them that you're confused because you cannot reconcile in your own mind what they are requesting/demanding you to reveal about your personal ADULT life versus what you understood were their parenting lessons about appropriate boundaries, etc. Can they please clarify?

Ask them if your perception is accurate, that they are actually feeling entitled to force information from you even when you do not feel comfortable revealing it.

Let them know that you value what they've taught you and role-modeled for you; that you cannot in good faith or conscience 'apologize' for maintaining your own healthy boundaries, and this attitude is in great part due to the way they raised you. Are they not happy with the results of their own parenting efforts?

 

That is. Start asking them to explain their behaviour, thoughts, feelings, expectations, etc., to you (more, really, to help them start to become aware of their "stuff".) Bonus is that you probably will also get a better idea of what's really going on for them.

 

Even if they can't act adult-rational, you still can. Stick to your own truth, and just express it as clearly, kindly and honestly as possible. The current pattern may never change as far as they are concerned...but that does not mean that you can't change the way you do your side of things.

 

Once you learn how to establish and maintain your boundaries, how to not just give in to their nagging, and how to say 'no' to their requests/demands without feeling guilty, then you will not feel that same level of anger and frustration; you'll not feel cornered, helpless and powerless to do anything but upchuck all your personal-private information.

 

Best of luck. It won't happen overnight but you certainly can empower yourself in your relationship with your parents...whether or not they approve

Edited November 5, 2009 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Boundary Problem]

You parents are ignorant about the fact that you need to go no-contact with an emotionally abusive partner.

 

Them bringing up his name (for any reason) scrapes away at your pain and hard-earned recovery.

 

Educate them and enforce the boundary with them.

[Rylle]

Specific to the current problem, something like, "Mom and Dad, I did not tell you about it because *I* did not take it seriously; *I* totally dismissed it. To me, it was a non-event...and always will be nothing more than that. Getting upset because *I* did not find it worthy of my further time and energy won't change my truth about it. I don't have anything else to say."

 

And just keep repeating those same sentiments...even if you also have to repeat exactly the same words.

 

To change the habitual dynamics and ways of relating between the three of you. Your anger and frustration, as valid as those are, won't help your own cause.

A different approach would be to try to put it back on them: Tell them that you're confused because you cannot reconcile in your own mind what they are requesting/demanding you to reveal about your personal ADULT life versus what you understood were their parenting lessons about appropriate boundaries, etc. Can they please clarify?

Ask them if your perception is accurate, that they are actually feeling entitled to force information from you even when you do not feel comfortable revealing it.

Let them know that you value what they've taught you and role-modeled for you; that you cannot in good faith or conscience 'apologize' for maintaining your own healthy boundaries, and this attitude is in great part due to the way they raised you. Are they not happy with the results of their own parenting efforts?

 

That is. Start asking them to explain their behaviour, thoughts, feelings, expectations, etc., to you (more, really, to help them start to become aware of their "stuff".) Bonus is that you probably will also get a better idea of what's really going on for them.

 

Even if they can't act adult-rational, you still can. Stick to your own truth, and just express it as clearly, kindly and honestly as possible. The current pattern may never change as far as they are concerned...but that does not mean that you can't change the way you do your side of things.

 

Once you learn how to establish and maintain your boundaries, how to not just give in to their nagging, and how to say 'no' to their requests/demands without feeling guilty, then you will not feel that same level of anger and frustration; you'll not feel cornered, helpless and powerless to do anything but upchuck all your personal-private information.

 

Best of luck. It won't happen overnight but you certainly can empower yourself in your relationship with your parents...whether or not they approve

This was such an excellent and thoughtful response, and it was very helpful. I used this to talk to my parents. Thank you.

 

You parents are ignorant about the fact that you need to go no-contact with an emotionally abusive partner.

 

Them bringing up his name (for any reason) scrapes away at your pain and hard-earned recovery.

 

Educate them and enforce the boundary with them.

 

Yeah, I told them that one reason I didn't bring it up in the first place is that I didn't think I would be able to say "Ex proposed and I said no" and have that be the end of the conversation and it would never ever come up again.

 

Of course they insisted that that is exactly how it would have been.

 

Yet here we are weeks later, and it comes up just about bi-weekly because they make jokes about it. They apparently weren't listening when I said this entire topic should never be mentioned in front of me nor thought of ever again.

 

Maybe I'll say something next time instead of silently fuming.