12 stepper trying to find the strength to say goodbye for good

[let'shaveitright]

It all began in June and after three days it was quite clear this was going to be intense. We are both in a 12 step fellowship for addiction and I quickly realized that my A with this MM was displaying signs of addiction. I tried SLAA (sex & love addiction anonymous) for 37 days but kept relapsing - each of us as guilty as the other for making contact.

I made it quite clear from the start that if he was going to leave his partner of 21 years and 3 kids that it had to be for him and not for us - whether I really believed my own crap is besides the point - at the time I believed it.

He did leave her the day before I went on holiday. But while I was on holiday he 'had a feeling', thought he was having a heart attack and went back home. When I returned my dad died, we saw each other once more and then it got too painful for me and I broke contact and told him not to contact me.

It was fine for 4 weeks but then we bumped into each other again. Nothing happened but then he rang a week later and boom, we're right back in it. A week has passed and I have had some painful but 'denial breaking' realizations around this guy, least of all that he went out on date with someone else while we were together. I watched him squirm and try to lie his way out of the lies. I handled it well and with dignity. He lies to his wife, why wouldn't he lie to me.

This week, after doing a step 5 in NA I have finally admitted that my dad was an alcoholic, 37 years of denial is a hard punch to take. I am repeating exactly the same thing with this man - finding it hard to accept the reality of the situation. I've been to a coda meeting this week and tonight I went to al-anon. We last saw each other on sunday and had arranged to meet on monday. I had my eureka moment on monday morning and managed to put off seeing him. My intention was to go with what I had realized, not tell him and let it fizzle out. HOWEVER, he has not contacted me since, despite saying that he would call yesterday. So for all my resolve and awareness I am STILL mad that he hasn't called so that I can be all powerful and call the shots - how crazy is that?! I desperately want him to call. I have such low self-worth that I still need him to need me so that I can push him away - feels like I'm going mad.

This forum has helped, especially one line I read that said 'as an OW you are basically just making his marriage bearable'. That really hit me, I know deep down somewhere that I;m worth more than that. I don't know if he sensed the change in my voice on monday or whether he is too ashamed of me finding out about the date - does it really matter, i'm in agony.

I;m really hoping that any other 12 steppers who have worked programs around this kind of thing can offer me their experience, strength and hope. How do I play it when he calls? How do I resist his pleas of love? etc, etc

god bless you x

Edited November 4, 2009 by let'shaveitright