FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 NC is having the opposite effect on me than it seems to have on others. I know the 47 yr old STBXW is probably sleeping every day with her little 18 yr old BF, she never contacts me, she probably doesn't even remember me, ... but the more days that go by (11 days now) the less angry I get and the more I miss her and think about a reconciliation and how I love her! {{{UGH}}} :(:( It's been 68 days sine the ILYBINILWY speech - I think you all know my pathetic story. (I had to look at the calendar to count the days - I have made a conscious effort not to count every day!) :eek::eek: Believe me - I am trying to be strong and I am DOING the "strong" things - but I have ZERO control over those thoughts in my head. :o:o:o Any suggestions????? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 No one said No Contact was easy. Most I expect, fail a few times before getting into the healing groove. That's what you must remember. My advice? Know that what you are doing is THE ONLY WAY to truly save your marriage. Face it (and face it you must) SHE must come back TO YOU and be willing to commit 100% towards the relationship. Anything you do now to alter this process will either delay or destroy any chance of you making it. Clear? Know you are dong the right thing. The loving thing... ...for both her and yourself. NC is like any exercise; results come in time. No pain no gain applies. In the meantime, know the longer you stay away the closer you are to her in heart and mind. I promise that is the case. Your marriage may or may not survive but if she's seeing someone else, she does not want to see you. Let nature take its course and don't interfere. Her affair won't last. Eat well, look after that body and learn to rest/sleep peacefully. You have to. Love yourself. This is a hard time so go easy on you. You will make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Your grieving, the end will be happy for you. You will stop caring and you will move on. It's inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Your grieving, the end will be happy for you. You will stop caring and you will move on. It's inevitable. Your grieving! You've got your @ZZ handed to you! You're crawling out from a Chicago Bus for JHC's sake! She walks and your suppose to get over it with two weeks? WTF? This look like MacDonald's to you? Burger King? You invest days, weeks, months, years of emotional, physical, pyscholical energy and money in someone else ~ and your just to forget it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks Gunny, CB, sf ... three very different posts - but all important for me to read. The more NC I have the more I think I would at least consider a reconciliation. I'm so F'd up!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Feelinglonely98, I cheated on my former wife 20 years ago and I'm not proud of it but I hope I can help others understand more because of it. When you are in an affair it is like a drug, you don't care who it hurts, you don't care what the outcome is, the only thing you are doing is living in the moment for YOU. There are no words that you could say & I really don't know if there is anything you could do to change what she is doing now. As long as she is getting what she feels she needs from the OM she is happy & that's all she is thinking about, herself. I watched the movie Fireproof but I really wonder how powerful the 40 days would work when you are dealing with someone that can leave like your W did. I also don't see how Fireproof could work when you aren't living together, but that is just my take on it, but I still liked the movie, I hope it will help me in my next relationship but that's another story. Only thing I would like to suggest & I've done it many times now here is get in a group, there are lots of grieving and marriage/divorce classes & there might be one in your area. What this does is helps you connect with others that are going thru the same thing, gives you a place to share & hear other peoples stories. I know that is what helped me move forward. I did not want the divorce, but we can't control what others feel or do. We can only control what is in our skin & after that the only thing you are doing is "stick'n think'n" that just drains energy away from what you should be using for you. Yes it is very hard, been there done it, but it is possible. If I did it then anyone can because I'm trying to overcome being a controlling person so it was very hard not knowing what she was up to..... Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Your grieving, the end will be happy for you. You will stop caring and you will move on. It's inevitable. ^^^^^^ This Everyday you NC, everyday you will detact from her. Her grip over you will end. One day you will wake, go about your day, and them BAMM it will hit you; wow, I don't give a sh#t what she does anymore. OOOH that's such a great feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 ^^^^^^ This Everyday you NC, everyday you will detact from her. Her grip over you will end. One day you will wake, go about your day, and them BAMM it will hit you; wow, I don't give a sh#t what she does anymore. OOOH that's such a great feeling. If I can't have the old GOOD TIMES that I so miss, then I can't wait for this feeling. This in between feeling is what kills me. PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
Beebie Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 If I can't have the old GOOD TIMES that I so miss, then I can't wait for this feeling. This in between feeling is what kills me. Me too FL98. I'm also trying to do the "strong" things but inside I feel like I'm dying. No matter what I do, H is ALWAYS on my mind and I just can't switch those thoughts off. The sadness just overwhelms me and drags me right back down. Last night I watched a DVD of one of my favourite comedy drama's from the 1980s. It really took my mind off things and I laughed whilst watching it (it felt good to laugh). But when it had finished, the sorrow 'took over' and I ended up crying. What I'm trying to say is I don't know how to grasp that feelgood factor and make it last throughout the day. I want to feel happy again but these awful sad feelings just won't go away. Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyHope Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks Gunny, CB, sf ... three very different posts - but all important for me to read. The more NC I have the more I think I would at least consider a reconciliation. I'm so F'd up!!!!!!!! No, you're just getting nostalgic. We all do it. But that old saying about not being able to go home again is so true. Even if you reconciled, your relationship would not, could not be exactly like it was before. As Lady MacBeth says: "whats done cannot be undone." If you find yourself getting out the rose-colored glasses, it might be worthwhile to list out the bad stuff - something to remind you that she takes a lot of bad stuff with her and you can be grateful for that. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) The reality of it all has sunk in, you're past denial... into bargaining, anger and depression .. You're an emotional ping pong ball and someone else controls the damn flippers Put on your seat belt, this is the roughest part of the ride. It gets better, then it comes and goes in waves. Each wave gets a little smaller. One day you'll be feeling good and you'll step on some emotional land mine. This is all natural and part of being human. Sorry you have to go through it. I remember it all too well. Hang in there, exercise is the best therapy as well as talking to people you can trust. Edited November 5, 2009 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 FL, I know it must be devastating for you. Unfortunately, your wife has some issues that you can't fix. Reconciling won't help what ever is going on with her. I know you love her and want to save both your marriage and her from herself, but YOU can't do it. Concentrate on you right now. Do not allow yourself to wallow any more than is absolutely necessary. Give yourself permission to take a break from the grieving, hang it on a wall for a few hours and do something for yourself. You can pick it back up later. The more you allow yourself to do that, and become comfortable with it, the easier it will become. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Your mind is going crazy tying to compute a solution for something that simply can't be solved. It's the bargaining stage of grieving... you might find yourself making incredibly ridiculous deal in your head to get back to what was... but it's just not there anymore. This is part of what often happens when you fully go NC. So no, you're not going through anything different than a lot of others have, myself included. Find ways to get your mind off of it, do whatever you can for yourself. It's all about you, be a little selfish dammit! Imagine you are your own best friend going though this. What would you do for him? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Me too FL98. I'm also trying to do the "strong" things but inside I feel like I'm dying. No matter what I do, H is ALWAYS on my mind and I just can't switch those thoughts off. The sadness just overwhelms me and drags me right back down. Last night I watched a DVD of one of my favourite comedy drama's from the 1980s. It really took my mind off things and I laughed whilst watching it (it felt good to laugh). But when it had finished, the sorrow 'took over' and I ended up crying. What I'm trying to say is I don't know how to grasp that feelgood factor and make it last throughout the day. I want to feel happy again but these awful sad feelings just won't go away. You will, the sad awful feelings do go away and you will feel like you again, I promise. When I first came here, I was a wreck and although I still have my bad days/patches, now (8 months post him leaving), for the most part I couldn't give a s**t about him or what he's doing anymore. He isn't worth it, anyone that just walks without warning, without trying to resolve anything first, just isn't worth your pain and you to will come to see this, it's a cliche, but it just takes the passage of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 The reality of it all has sunk in, you're past denial... into bargaining, anger and depression .. You're an emotional ping pong ball and someone else controls the damn flippers Put on your seat belt, this is the roughest part of the ride. It gets better, then it comes and goes in waves. Each wave gets a little smaller. One day you'll be feeling good and you'll step on some emotional land mine. This is all natural and part of being human. Sorry you have to go through it. I remember it all too well. Hang in there, exercise is the best therapy as well as talking to people you can trust. Thanks Sumdude - just got back from Rockville, MD. Sorry I didn't have time to meet you. I hate the WIDE fluctuations - the rollorcoaster that so many warned me about. One morning I'm telling my Sister that I have accepted it all - that yes I love my STBXW - but I realize it's over, that I have no control over it,...ETC. That afternoon I'm telling Mom all about what could have been, asking where I went wrong, ... and sh*t like that. $&$&^#^#!$&$&^#^#! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 You will, the sad awful feelings do go away and you will feel like you again, I promise. When I first came here, I was a wreck and although I still have my bad days/patches, now (8 months post him leaving), for the most part I couldn't give a s**t about him or what he's doing anymore. He isn't worth it, anyone that just walks without warning, without trying to resolve anything first, just isn't worth your pain and you to will come to see this, it's a cliche, but it just takes the passage of time. WTF! Has there ever been a cheater that has left, had the A, then come back and the BS accepts them, and they "make it". I understand in this scenario there would be a different dynamic to the M, that the W will have to want to really come back, etc.. Just wondering has it ever happened? floridapad is exploring it now. But he is nowhere near a succesful reconciliation. He's taking it slow ... (the right approach I believe) Are there any archives here on LS of "success" stories. :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 WTF! Has there ever been a cheater that has left, had the A, then come back and the BS accepts them, and they "make it". I understand in this scenario there would be a different dynamic to the M, that the W will have to want to really come back, etc.. Just wondering has it ever happened? floridapad is exploring it now. But he is nowhere near a succesful reconciliation. He's taking it slow ... (the right approach I believe) Are there any archives here on LS of "success" stories. :confused: From my LS experiences those success stories are very, very rare. Occasionally people get back together and soon enough it falls apart again. Once in a blue moon it happens but I can't recall such a story on LS right now. Then there's my ex sister in law. Left husband #1 for #2... years later leaves #2 for #1 again. LOL who knows if they're still together. today. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabyblues Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 WTF! Has there ever been a cheater that has left, had the A, then come back and the BS accepts them, and they "make it". I understand in this scenario there would be a different dynamic to the M, that the W will have to want to really come back, etc.. Just wondering has it ever happened? floridapad is exploring it now. But he is nowhere near a succesful reconciliation. He's taking it slow ... (the right approach I believe) Are there any archives here on LS of "success" stories. :confused: I'm still following all your posts. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. You are a very wise man, and you know that she isn't with the man-child because of anything you did or didn't do. I know this because I am the OW and I am the exact same age as you and I did the same thing she did. I think it is some kind of weird ass mid life crisis some ladies and men have. Her A wont last, she will come to her senses and realize how much she has hurt you. Things will never be the same as they were for you but I would never say never. There is always hope. Hang on to your dignity, step away. And let her be. She will come to her senses, and when she does, how lucky for her that you are you and she has that soft spot to land. Right now, you need to find peace for yourself. You are a good man. PEACE Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 I'm still following all your posts. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. You are a very wise man, and you know that she isn't with the man-child because of anything you did or didn't do. I know this because I am the OW and I am the exact same age as you and I did the same thing she did. I think it is some kind of weird ass mid life crisis some ladies and men have. Her A wont last, she will come to her senses and realize how much she has hurt you. Things will never be the same as they were for you but I would never say never. There is always hope. Hang on to your dignity, step away. And let her be. She will come to her senses, and when she does, how lucky for her that you are you and she has that soft spot to land. Right now, you need to find peace for yourself. You are a good man. PEACE I will probably have some updates to my main (big) threads next week. Kinda quiet for now, other than I can't seem to stop thinking and analyzing everything about the STBXW, myself, and the M. (Awwww!) When you had your A you did it with a VERY young boy? Can you PM me so I can discuss it with you further? Might help me to understand what's going on better!!! TY. PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 OK. I have ONE more meeting next Tuesday with the STBX to notarize a few more D papers that are needed to file with the courts. Then I plan to have NC (ZERO C!) until the day of the court appearance. The most days of consecutive NC so far has been 9 straight. No calling, no texting, no emailing, ... NO asking her son (my step-son, who is still living with me) how she is doing. I need to be strong... PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 OK. I have ONE more meeting next Tuesday with the STBX to notarize a few more D papers that are needed to file with the courts. Then I plan to have NC (ZERO C!) until the day of the court appearance. The most days of consecutive NC so far has been 9 straight. No calling, no texting, no emailing, ... NO asking her son (my step-son, who is still living with me) how she is doing. I need to be strong... PEACE! FL, I remember going through the same thing. When apart, I would have these rose coloured glasses and miss all the things about my exh. But the things I was missing was how he was when we first met. If I really looked at our relationship, I could see that it wasnt that great and had not been for a very long time. I had an image in my head of who I THOUGHT he was, and that is the person I missed. But when I really looked at the relationship and who he was now, I did not want that man! Everytime he came over to mow the lawn (before we could sell the house), I would spy on him from the window and realize this was not the man I loved. He was mean. He was angry. He was a stranger to me. I didn't miss him for a few days after, and then nostalgia crept back up on me. Part of my constant obsessive thoughts was also my hurt ego. Once I started building my confidence back up, making an effort to start a new better life, and making an effort to move on, I stopped thinking of him as much. It takes time AND effort to move on. You cant sit there, stocking their facebook page, or website, or probing friends for information on them, and then expect to be "over" it. If you keep looking for information, it's like ripping a bandage off a wound, it keeps reopening the wounds and wont heal. Limit yourself as much as possible from her life, keep the bandage on, and eventually with time and effort, you will heal. You need to make an effort to accept the current situation and move on. This is not easy to do, and obviously you will take some steps forward only to fall back. It's definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. But every time you pick yourself up, dust your pants off, and keep moving forward again, the more strength you build, and the easier things become. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabyblues Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 I will probably have some updates to my main (big) threads next week. Kinda quiet for now, other than I can't seem to stop thinking and analyzing everything about the STBXW, myself, and the M. (Awwww!) When you had your A you did it with a VERY young boy? Can you PM me so I can discuss it with you further? Might help me to understand what's going on better!!! TY. PEACE! I would be happy to email you however I dont know your address??? Sorry new here... let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 I would be happy to email you however I dont know your address??? Sorry new here... let me know. Click on my name and then click on "Send private message to ..." See if that works... Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabyblues Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 Click on my name and then click on "Send private message to ..." See if that works... Hey there... nope... it didn't work????? I'm at work now... I'll be home tonight and I'll check here again to see if you have and other ideas... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 bbb - It might be because of how your account is set up??? I have the PM option for most users, but not you??? Hmmm, I bet it is in the "My Profile", then "Profile Privacy" menus. Anyone? Don't worry about it bbb. I just wanted to ask some questions that may not be comfortably answered on a public post. (To maybe help me better understand!) We'll get there ... Link to post Share on other sites
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