Feels Like I'm Off Men Permanently

[TwoForgiving]

I left an abusive relationship over 2 years ago. I wanted to get healthy in so far as I wanted to be strong enough and aware enough to not find myself getting involved with another abusive man. Even though I've recently started to date other people I have come to the realization that I don't want to date/get involved with anyone.

 

I don't have any lingering feelings for my ex nor do I ever want him to come back into my life but I don't understand my own feelings. I gave myself time to heal from the previous R, have been getting therapy to deal with the psychological abuse, worked on myself. But every time I meet a new man, I find myself asking "why am I here." I combated the loneliness on my own after escaping the LTR and I don't find myself lonely, I don't need anyone financially, I have activities that keep me busy, I have friends for companionship.

 

I had to rebuild my life from scratch with nothing after leaving the R and I can't see myself ever sharing my life, my home with anyone anymore. I almost feel stubborn about never putting myself in that kind of situation again. Even though the men I meet are not like my ex, I just feel so jaded about men in general that when I'm out with them, I look at them and ask why do I need them. I find myself not believing that men can be honest, respectful, that they're only trying to get to know me for sex, or are looking for someone to help them out of their loneliness. I don't even miss the sex. I find it a meaningless act (that is definitely thanks to my ex who made me feel meaningless for years.) I had sex with a couple of guys and even though they made me feel more than my ex ever did, it just wasn't enough to make me want to go looking for it.

 

I thought after giving myself some time that I would feel ready to start something serious with someone new but I just don't feel it. Yes, I see myself wanting a companion at times with whom I could enjoy certain outings but overall I'm just fine doing most things on my own or with my friends. My friends are starting to ask me why I don't want to date one person for more than a few dates and I can't explain better than say that I don't want anyone in my life.

 

Has anyone ever felt like this after leaving an abusive LTR? Do you wake one day and feel like you're ready to share your life with someone again? I've spoken to my therapist and he says it's normal and that there is no prescribed time for when people are ready but I figured 2 and a half years would have been long enough especially when I have no lingering feelings (whether love or hate) for my ex, I just don't care about him in any sense anymore. Had staying with the abuse for so many years completely destroy my attitude towards men?

[taraleigh]

Awww, hun, I feel the same way. I posted my story in "coping" but, I feel the same way. I don't think I could ever trust another guy again. With this past break-up, I truly did lose everything.

 

Maybe over time, for both of us. Maybe we need to sit down and re-examine our past relationships (I've heard this a lot) and figure out why we were attracted to these guys in the first place.

 

Maybe you could date but not give up what makes you you...and if a guy can't get over that then, you are better off. Make sense?

 

My break-up is still fresh. But, I do know that not every guy is like my previous guys.

[carhill]

OP, I think you're doing yourself and healthy men a great service by being this aware of and reflective upon your feelings. IMO, when you know it's right, it'll be right for you.

 

The hard part for me is ignoring the little triggers; in other words, being too sensitive. You'll see it here on LS if you follow my posts. We all have our buttons and part of recovery is understanding them for what they are and that they don't have to rule us.

 

Best wishes

[ajj]

I think you may be a bit too hard on yourself. There's no set time period to recover from the multitude of betrayals being in an abusive relationship entails. Also, as you are learning slowly, being in an a relationship is no marker of excellent mental health. Even if you were in a relationship tomorrow it wouldn't "prove" that your abuser didn't get the best of you or that you have become "healthy." (Healthy in the context of mental health is becoming a term I loathe.)

 

While therapy can be beneficial I detest the majority of "help" available to women who have been in abusive relationships. The therapy tends to focus on "What attracted you to your abuser?" or "The RED FLAGS to look for." The underlying message is the person who was abused somehow wasn't smart enough not to be in a abusive relationship. Those topics can be helpful but certainly should not be the focus.

 

Unfortunately more often than not an abused woman is betrayed not only by her abuser but by those who could have helped much sooner and didn't. She can be betrayed by those who noticed something was amiss and did nothing. It's not unusual to be betrayed by police officers, lawyers, "advocates" and the court system as well.

 

Those kinds of betrayals are more easily forgiven if they are even acknowledged. The majority of therapy focuses on the aforementioned topics. How is a woman truly and fully suppossed to heal?

 

I don't think two years is a significant length of time to avoid serious relationships while you get to know yourself again. Abuse isn't something that you just "get over" after some therapy. It changes you in ways that can be difficult to discern right away. Getting to know yourself again and making peace with the new person you are takes time. Enjoying life without someone there to steal your joy is something to be very proud of. You may need to give yourself some credit.

 

As far as viewing all men as potential abusers always listen to your gut. It's possible that some of the men that have expressed interest in you sensed your vulnerability and were attempting to prey on that. Unfortunately, predators can smell blood from far away.

 

You'll date again only when you are ready and on your terms. There's nothing at all wrong with that. Ignore subtle slams from those that "thank you" on behalf of all healthy men out there. Healthy men don't need to put down a woman struggling to overcome abuse.

 

I wish you all of the best.