Is he a cheater? or not?

[annefran]

Hello,

 

I am going through hell right now and beg for opinions. I've been reading posts and I consider my husband to have had, and maybe still having, an emotional affair.

 

My husband's in the Navy and has never, ever given me a reason to doubt him until lately. We were set to move to our new duty station. I moved 3 mos prior to him to get situated with home/job. (we have no children and have been married 5 years). We had an agreement that he would call me each night while we were apart. I was having an extremely stressful time trying to find work/housing, and he communicated to me that he didn't even want to talk with me because I was so stressed. It was very hard for me because I really needed his assurance and encouragment at that time. So, our calls became fewer and shorter, him saying he didn't like to have conversation on the phone. He always has lots of friends and had causally mentioned a girl, a younger sister of our old neighbor, that he occasionally talked with. He told me I had nothing to worry about, he thought of her as a little sister (21 years old, my husband is 32). I didn't give it a second thought.

 

When he finally made it back here with me, things seemed to be going well. He was off work for a month, so was spending alot of time hanging out with friends while I was at work. One day I opened one of his old cell phone bills, from during our separation, and there were pages and pages of calls to one number. Apparently, this "little sister" friend of his had moved away and my husband was spending his days calling her, 7,9, sometimes 11 times a day. I approached him, hysterical that he was having an affair. He promised me that there was never anything physical between them. He just thought it was so "fun" to talk with her. He never told me he talked to her on the phone. Sometimes the calls lasted 90 minutes. He couldn't remember at all what they talked about. "Just stupid stuff". He did say that he confided in her that we were having troubles....GREAT!

 

He profusely apologized for being so "stupid" and he never, ever meant to hurt me. I told him that I believed him, I did, and told him he could not talk with her anymore (we had a $1,400 cell bill). He promised he wouldn't.

 

About 2 weeks later, I was home ill, and my husband happened to be with me in the middle of the day. His cell rang and it was right by me, I picked it up to hand to him and saw that it was this girl. I handed it to him and he looked at the name and just stuttered...ah..ah..ah....until the voice mail picked it up. I demanded to know why she was calling if he had told her not to, and why were her numbers still in his cell? He admitted that he really had not told her to never call him. He just said he had a high bill and that I was upset. So, I made him call her up, right in front of me, tell her to never call, and saw him delete her numbers out of the cell. Then, in front of me he told her to just shoot him an email instead. I told him he was trying to please too many women and he was going to loose. BUT, again, he professed his love and devotion to me, he even cried and said he hated himself for giving me so much grief. I believed him because I wanted to sooo much.

 

Life moved on and he was preparing to leave for a 6 month deployment to Japan. Things with us were good, although, I felt we should go to counseling. He said that when he returned in 6 months we would go to counseling to strengthen our relationship.

 

Then, 2 nights ago, at 11pm he was packing for his departure the next morning at 6am. I was helping him pack and I causually asked him if he wanted me to answer his cell phone while he was gone (we had previously agreed that he would not take his cell to Japan....way too expensive). All of a sudden he got so nervous and said, "ahh...no, I'm taking the phone". I said, no way, we still owe $1,000 on the previous bills. He said that he wouldn't use it, he just wanted the numbers. I said, you go ahead and pack, I'll write all your phone numbers down for you. Of course, one of the numbers I recognized the out of state area code. I looked at our cell bills and sure enough, it was her number, but with a code name, "Thumper". I asked who this person was, and he admitted that it was this girl's number. I asked if that was his little nickname for her and he said that her friends called her that and he thought it was cute. He first lied and said he forgot that was in there. Then he admitted that he put in the phone a week ago. He said he thought that once "all this settled down" that it would be fun to call her again.

 

I couldn't sleep all night and he left the next morning. Telling me that he loves me more than anything and he always will.

 

I'm now wondering if I know this person at all. I now totally believe that he will pursue whatever kind of female attention he so desires. He has her phone number memorized so I'm sure he'll call her from wherever he's at.

 

Any words of advice. I feel so anxious. My heart hurts and is beating so fast. I can't go to work. I don't know what to do.

 

Anne

[Skittles]

I am sorry you are going through this Anne.

 

 

It sounds like Miss T and your husband definitely have some kind of relationship developing and wowee a 1400 dollar cell phone bill!

 

 

I think counseling for you alone or together is mandatory, I worry about your self-esteem because mine would be teetering right now if my husband was addicted to someone else...and that is what it sounds like to me.

 

 

He says he loves you, and he probably does, but he is hurting you and the relationship and this thing with her has to stop...

 

 

Imo, seek pro advice as how to proceed.

 

 

I wish you well.

[thetadrea]

Wow hun I am really sorry. This guy is taking you for a loop and you believe him because you WANT to believe him. But the answer is right under your nose. Your head knows it, but your heart doesn't want to believe it. He is definately having an affair with this woman and even if it is not physical now, I am sure it has been at one point. On the RARE, and I mean rare chance that he might NOT have done anything physical with this woman, you still don't deserve this treatment. You seem like such a sweet wife, packing his clothes for him, writing down all his cell numbers to CONVENIENCE HIM, and he's not doing this for you. He is needing another woman for emotional stimulation... WHY? You are his wife. He should not be talking to her for "fun" he should talk to YOU. He shouldn't have to go else where for his emotional needs and he MOST CERTAINLY should not confide in some woman who is definately interested in him that you two are having marrital problems. My advice is something you already know. You should not be with someone who needs to go elsewhere for emotional or physical needs. The writing is on the wall, you just have to decide if you are going to read it. Are you going to let yourself feel like this forever, or do something about it? He obviously is not going to stop talking to this woman, so you need to decide what to do. He has LIED to you on several occasions and once trust is gone it is hard to regain. I know how it feels to want to stay in bed and cry, not got to work, but GO! Keep yourself busy! Go to the gym! Find clarity in your life and this situation and decide to take action and not just sit there and be manipulated and lied to. I wish you the best. -Andrea

[dyermaker]

Unless you're worried about genital health, it's never really important whether an affair actually happened or not. It's more whether you feel like it happened, as that means the trust has been broken.

 

No doubt his relationship with this woman is inappropriate, and you shouldn't have to be treated this way. Call the woman, and tell her not to talk to your husband, and tell your husband that you will, most certainly, leave. If he tells you he loves you, tell him that he can't have two women to love.

[Arabess]

I'm sorry I missed your post here Anne!

 

You are upset enough already without me pouring gas on the fire...but GIRL...I think it's more than obvious. This doesn't mean he isn't in love with you or isn't planning to stay in the marriage...chances are he is BOTH of those things. Meanwhile though, he's also playing this other female who probably THINKS he is going to leave you because he's fed her a bunch of crap too! (Read some of the posts on the 'Other woman' threads).

 

I'm not a big moral monitor. He's in the Navy, if he gets deployed, a one night stand in OSAKA wouldnt' be a big deal to me. BUT to have another woman he's obviously involved with on a more serious basis.....running up phone bills, her calling YOUR house.....that's just not acceptable. I work for the Navy and I KNOW they can be quite the AssClowns sometimes when it comes to keeping their pants zipped! Very FEW actually want a divorce though!!! I know this to be a fact!

 

You are the only one though who knows how you need to handle this. I gather he's already gotten underway? Again, LOTS of men cheat on their wives at some point or another. It doesn't make him a monster...it just makes him a self service Ass. He may stop the relationship with her....and he may not. Since he's deployed, all you can do is let it go till he gets home.

 

PLEASE keep posting so you don't feel you are facing this alone. Go out with friends...try to enjoy your self....and don't let this thing drive you nuts!

 

Arabess

[jenny]

i second all that was posted before; except to add you might want to contact a lawyer and a counsellor immediately. take advantage of his absence to start the wheels in motion to protect yourself in the event that this cannot be resolved.

 

the money issue is quite signifigant, and, realistically, this looks like a habit he is not going to break soon.

 

taking any action will make you feel better - this is the time to rally your spirit and gather your courage. sometimes we simply can't change someone else's behaviour, we can only do what's best for ourselves.

[jena7483]

this sounds just like my ex! a few girls would call teh house and he would never talk to them when i was around but claimed they were just friends. i asked if i could answer the phone when they called and he said no of course. and then there were i few emails to girls telling them he was sexually deprived. i told him he is to tell everyone of these girls that he has a g/f and loves her. and of course he did the whole oh you dont trust me thing. so the same girls still called him and emailed himeventhough i told him not to talk to them. you see if someone really loves you they will immediately stop doing something once they see it hurts you b/cur happiness means everything. but it didnt to my ex and unfortunately it doesnt to your husband. you deserve better!